Conference moira::parenting

    When he says "I can't".. tell him "Well try again, I know I've seen you
    do it before... just like a big boy".
    
    Who knows.... it might work!

    
    No help here, but just gotta ask,...is the "I can't"'s the stage
    that comes after "I'll do it MYSELF!"???   If so, maybe I'd like
    to freeze time....8-)
    
    Carol 

>    For example,
>    he'll grunt and groan to put his pants on (trying to put both
>    legs on at the same time, of course), then tells me, "I can't."
>    . . . I really want this kid to dress himself -- at least 85% --
>    by the time he goes to nursery school in the fall!!!!

How 'bout "OK, I guess you'll have to go to nursery school without your pants 
on."

Clay

    Jackie (2yrs) is in both stages... just entered the "I can't" stage and
    has been in the "I'll do it myself" stage.  As far as the "I can'ts"
    go, I either offer my help, or if she *knows* how to do something, I
    tell her that she can do anything she wants to if she tries.  I realize
    this can cause conflict, but at this point she doesn't understand how
    this can be turned against what we want/don't want her doing.  I will
    cross that bridge soon.
    
    Mary
    

    
    Spencer (will be 4 in Sept) is also in the either "I can't" or "I'll do
    it myself" stage.  When he says he can't, i don't really think that is
    always what he means.  Somtimes, depending on what he is saying it about, 
    I'll ask why he can't, or would you like me to show/help you, or if it is
    something simple (like picking up toys, or thowing something in the
    trash) then I might say, well then you can't go outside/watch video
    etc. until you do.  I think with Spencer, "I can't" sometimes means I
    don't want to, or I'm to tired to, or I'm testing you to see if you
    really mean it!
    
    They sure keep you guessing tho, one day it's " I can go to the
    bathroom by myself, shut the door!"  the next day (or hour) its "I
    CAN'T do it myself!"
    
     

    Most of the time when Stephanie pulls the "I can't" routine on us it
    means "I need attention".  Sometimes helping her, but doing it REALLY 
    wrong (like putting her shoes on her ears) will make her laugh, give
    her the attention she needs and prompt her to show me how to do it
    right (which she then gets praised for big time).
    
    					Mair
    

    Mine is 7 and when he says "I can't zipper my jacket" or some such
    thing, and he really needs to have it zipped to go out, I tell him that
    he can't go out until it is zipped.  It is amazing how quickly it gets
    zipped once his friends are in the yard waiting for him!
    
    Catherine

I agree on .6.  

My son Christopher, 2, is so insistent on doing things
for himself that when he does say "I can't" or "Help"
he is asking me to drop what I am doing.  In most
cases I do although maybe not immediately.  

I don't usually do whatever it is he can't however, I 
just help him to get along with it.  The satisfaction 
he gets out of it is worth the interruption.

    Here's an interesting twist to a similar problem (though I don't know
    that I have an answer yet).  Sure I heard the I can'ts, but if we ask
    Sarah (5� Yr old) why she can't, she reply's "I don't know how".  I
    agree with .6's - CODEWORDS: "I DON'T WANT TO".   Now, Jenifer (a 3 Yr
    old) is picking up on it too... and now they both are just saying "I
    don't know how" when they really do, and as someone said: just days or
    hours ago they did X.

    Well with Jenifer, we are trying things like the reverses Psychology on
    her... "I don't think you can put your cloths on" for an example, and
    low-and-behold she does it, and we phrase her for it too. Is this a
    good idea, I mean will it feed right into the "I'll do it myself"
    stage?  Do you think this is also a good idea with 5-6 Yr Old, as we
    don't want to blow any self confidence she may have?

    ^Mike
    PS: Any one here @ FAC, don't jump to any conclusions; that means you
    too Pam!!!  :-)

No suggestions to offer.........just a story from my childhood.  

One time when my sister was about 3, we had steak for dinner, and she insisted
on cutting it herself....would not let anyone help her.  The next morning
we had pancakes and she claimed that she couldn't cut them, they were too
hard, and could someone else cut them for her.  Go figure.

Frank

    Ryan will be 4 in July - we also have days of "I can't" - I try various
    things. Sometimes I'll offer to do half and he can do half of whatever
    it is (like get dressed)... Or, I'll suggest that even though he can't
    he try practicing, because it's the only way he'll learn. Or, I'll ask
    him to show me how much of it he CAN do.  Finally, if it's something
    that is nonessential, I'll say ok, go without it. That one often
    quickly changes his effort level!! :-)
    

    Isn't it amazing that the same kid who couldn't possibly put on
    his clothes can put a tape in the VCR, turn it on, adjust the
    volume on the TV set, etc.?  

	With my son, what seems to work is when I tell him I KNOW he
	can because he has before; if he continues, I'll usually say
	something like "well, I can't help you right now (when I know
	it's something he CAN do) so why don't you give it another try 
	while I finish ----" and then if he still can't/won't by the
	time I'm done, we work it out together.  MOST of the time, by
	the time I finish what I was doing, he's accomplished whatever
	he was trying and gets heaps of satisfaction that he did it
	himself.

    I must echo the "I don't know how" note!  I've gone from, I can do it
    myself to I can't, to I don't know how...seems like regression to me.
    
    I use the buzzer (like time out).  I give out goldie points (gold stars
    on a chart) as well.  So, when something isn't done when the buzzer goes
    off, then oops, lost a goldie point.  When something is accomplished
    before the buzzer goes off, then WOW a goldie point well earned. 
    
    I use this primarily for my 5 year old. It works.

    AJ has been trying the "I can'ts" a lot lately.  Personally I think he
    is just asking for a little more attention.  What we do is to encourage
    him to at least give it a try.  In fact that's what we say, "I know
    that you can do it, c'mon give it a try".  Then big hugs and praise if
    he accomplishes the task, and if he can't we let him know that we will
    "help" him.  Which amounts to doing it, but letting him know what we're
    doing, and what he can do next time to make it work.
    
    Lyn