Conference moira::parenting

	Most likely your huaband was "being nice" by making that offer and
	not entirely serious.  Talk to him and tell him how you feel.  

	When I got married, I told my mother that under no condition would
	my grandparents be staying at the house.  This shocked my mother,
	who is just now learning to deal frankly with her, so I told them
	myself.  Here was the situation:  I had an early afternoon wedding.
	I'm the oldest of 4 girls. There are only 2 bathrooms in my parents 
	house.  That's 5 women and my Dad, 5 hair dryers, 5 makeup cases, 
	4 outlets, and 2 showers.  The last thing I needed that morning, was 
	stress over bathroom space!!  Since my grandparents only breeze in
	once in a great while, there would have been too much pressure on 
	my mother to "entertain" them and I didn't want her to have to go
	through that.  

	Knowing how visits from them stress my mother out, I decided to
	avoid it all together.  It made for a much more enjoyable morning
	for all of us in the house.  And Grandma got over it.

	Let your husband know that it would be just too much for you, and
	let him tell them no, if they try to take him up on the previously
	made offer.

	W-

Even though it's been two years now, I still remember VERY VIVIDLY those
over-night stays (and vacations) from Jim's family (most of whom are out-of-
staters).

Juli was born early September and we received her on the 5th day after her
birth.  The adoption took numerous "turns for the worst" ... and at one
point, Jim wanted to take down the crib.  Needless to say, Jim/I were on the
most hellacous roller coaster of our entire life.  When Juli finally joined
us, we were both tremendously stressed out, financially strapped (as, to the
normal cost of adoption, we now added all the mother's birthing expenses -
C-section! - and an adoption attorney!).  Juli was lactose-intolerant, which
meant on a good night, Juli would only waken for a 2 oz. feeding every
3 hours (instead of every 2 hours!).  Since Juli was adopted, I didn't get
any "comp time" (just vacation time -- although my manager was TERRIFICALLY
supportive while we worked through the legal issues and adjustments).
October disappeared somehow and we found ourselves approaching Thanksgiving.
In the past, all my Christmas gifts would be wrapped, cards written and
I'd be anxiously awaiting the holidays ... that year, I dreaded them.  I
was so stressed out, so tired, so overwhelmed, so out-of-control ... I felt
I had everything I could do to just "get through TODAY"!

Jim's brother/wife had a baby boy in early-October (and lived in Virginia).
They wanted to stay with us over the Christmas holidays.  Like you, I
freaked at the very thought of it ... but "reality" said it was the right
thing to do ... we had the baby furniture and much more in common that Jim's
folks.  I said "fine, can't get any worse than it is here at 82 Edgewood!).

I'm glad, because we had a WONDERFUL time!  We put the kids together (in the
crib!) and took turns getting up through the night (first time I had a full
night's sleep!).  During the day, we put the kids in adjacent swings and they
entertained EACH OTHER!  I needed the "new parenting" support - both
physically and emotionally.  It was a wonderful Christmas.

Then January came and his cousin and fiance' wanted to stay with us while
his cousin's fiance' interviewed various hospitals for his first residency
... from Vermont/Maine/Massachusetts/Conn/NY to Virginia!  I knew so little
about his cousin and NOTHING about her fiance'.  They "loved" living in our
rec room and they were EXTREMELY helpful with Juli (although we really didn't
see much of them).  They were thrilled with hotdogs ... and quiche just
knocked their socks off!  They spent alot of time playing with Juli.

In both instances, very little care was needed ... no one had any expectations
(clean house, nice meals).  My car was "fair game" when I didn't need it.
We just all pitched in and it really gave ME a much needed break (which I
couldn't see during the "anticipation" stage ... all I saw was inconvenience,
work, clean the house, fix meals, add another baby, add more people), when
in fact I gained "helpers" and much needed support and a good hearty LAUGH.
(Some of our best Trivia Pursuit games were held during those two visits!) ...
and Juli was passed from shoulder to shoulder, lap to lap.

Now ... I welcome visitors!  Please ... come one, come all!

As for the house ... don't clean it before they come ... clean it after they
leave!!!  Most of the time, they'll even clean it for you before they leave!

Hope this helps ... but try to see the "other side" of things (which was
equally hard for me at the time, too!).

Good luck,
Dottie

    
    Well said, Dottie.  I feel the same way.  I feel guests provide a 
    much needed diversion in our hectic lives.  I encourage all my guests 
    to feel like a part of the household -- they get the "privilege"
    of helping.  Whatever they are comfortable with -- kids or the
    housework.  This allows me to not get overworked. The involvement also 
    builds closer ties.  Things get easier and ties get closer every time
    we meet.  Examples of help:
    
    * Setting the table for dinner
    * After dinner cleanup (dishes and table) 
    * Dress the older kid (no diapers -- only clothes, jammies, coats, 
      shoes) etc.
    * Feeding a bottle to the baby , if the baby allows it.
    * Reading a book to the toddler.
    * Helping with dinner, making coffee, tea etc.
    
    All my guests have been fairly comfortable with this and we all 
    have a great time.  By the way, I try to help when I am a 
    guest at their homes too. 
     
    Good luck, I think the reality will be better than the anticipatory 
    dread. This is an opportunity to build and strengthen some bridges in your 
    family relationships - sieze it and enjoy yourself.
    
    Pam 
    P

    	We also love guests, I'd love to have some of our friends stay for
    3 weeks, it would be a blast!

    	On the other hand we find relatives to be a tremendous strain (I've
    chronicled our exploits with relatives in previous versions of
    PARENTING) and I can't imagine having relatives for 3 weeks, in fact I
    mentioned this note to Marc last night and his response was "what are
    those people crazy?" Now, granted we are mapping our situation onto
    your situation and it is not the same, but I could *never* and I mean
    NEVER put up with our relatives (not even my very close sisters) for
    three weeks.

    	Imagine, working full time, juggling the morning routine with
    guests and then coming home dog tired (which I always am) juggling the
    evening routine, having the baby's routine upset, probably not getting
    enough sleep, having privacy invasion etc, etc. It makes for tremendous
    stress and I would have nothing of it.

    	But again, I've mapped my situation on this, I have some friends
    who would be very welcome guests in our house for 3 weeks, I think the
    difference is that these friends are independent and do not mind
    changes in routine and would be willing to help with no strings
    attached and who would not "demand" my time. (and lastly who would be
    fun to have around).

    	That being said, I really, really feel for you, it's almost too
    late to change this situation, instead what you and your husband need
    to work on is coping skills to get through this. Things that have
    worked for us are:

    	Your bedroom is off limits to the guest, I would nurse in the
    bedroom instead of in the livingroom, didn't feel the least embarrassed
    about nursing in front of our friends but felt VERY uncomfortable
    nursing in front of the relatives. Also, the bedroom become a safe
    haven for you, keep some magazines in there and use the "I need a short
    nap" excuse as often as you need it.
    	
    	Work out a code word with your husband that indicates you've had it
    and need a break, our relatives are very demanding and you have to give
    them rapt attention all of the time, when I couldn't do this anymore,
    Marc would step in (or I would step in for Marc) and we would try to
    spot each other.

    	Each night, unwind before you go to bed, talk out things with each
    other that have bothered you and plan on ways to handle these
    situations should they arise again. Having guests this long will
    certainly cause you to start snapping at each other, realize that it is
    the situation and not each other that has you stressed out.

    	Set limits for yourself, think of chores that the guests can help
    you with and ask them to do them, (from the very beginning) they will
    learn that they are expected to do dome help (even if it is only to set
    the table).

    	Plan out the activities, we have found that it is much easier to
    have an agenda then for everyone to sit around and decide what to do
    "oh I don't know what do YOU want to do?"

    	Schedule some relaxation time for you alone, even if it is only 5
    minutes of meditation make sure you get the time in everyday. A little
    bit of stress management goes a long way.

    	Remember that your family comes first and act accordingly.


    	Good luck, you are a stronger woman than I am, I could never embark
    on the adventure that you are about to go on.

    	Please let us know how things turn out.

    				Wendy

Actually, I usually enjoy having guests, but then we run a pretty loose 
household.  We give our basic instruction to people who've never stayed with us
before:  "Please make yourself at home. Look for anything you need, and if you 
can't find it, ask someone. We'll tell you where to find it."

It is not unusual to come down in the morning and find our guests have made
coffee and mixed waffle batter.  Once a friend had heard Elise babbling (I slept 
thru it) and had gotten her up, dressed her, given her breakfast and they
were busy building and knocking down towers.  That was great.

There has only been one person ever who didn't pitch in when she visited.  I was
pissed - she would leave her breakfast dishes, knife included, on the
family room floor right next to where Elise was playing.  Even after I spoke to
her about being "child-proof", she still did such things. And there were other
incidents with her that weekend, like being rude to some other friends who came 
over.

But, that's a rare case.  Usually, if you treat guests like family, it all
works out.  Just set the expectation in the beginning, and make sure you keep
a part of the house private for you and your spouse (usually the bedroom).

    My husband is from India, so when his relatives come, they stay a
    longish time.  His uncle came before we had our daughter and stayed for
    10 weeks.  An aunt came for 4 months when our daughter was about 2
    months old (so she was 6 months old when the aunt left).  I worried
    some about privacy in nursing also, but by the time the aunt arrived, I
    felt pretty confident about it.
    
    I had met each of them on a trip to India once, but didn't really know
    them very well.  In addition, as I am from the US, we had
    misunderstandings that I considered cultural.
    
    I let my husband handle any tight situations, since they are people he
    knows better.  
    
    Perhaps you could let your husband know that you are worried about how
    to handle the extra pressures of entertaining.  If he can agree to take
    the responsibility for his relatives, you might be able to relax about
    it.  If he can't, he can figure out how to avoid his relatives taking
    him up on his offer.
    
    Good luck!
    
    Beryl