Conference moira::parenting

I forgot to mention, we are also building a house and due to move into
it around Thanksgiving (the place we just moved into is a rental).  So we're
also busy picking floors, countertops, faucets -- all that good stuff.

Whew!

Kyra

Yes, well, I think you're off the scale of that list of life-time stressful
events.  (the one listing marriage, death, divorce, new baby, new house, etc
with ratings for how stressful it is).  I personally think building a house is
the tough test of a marriage.  My husband and I have agreed never to build 
one.

Two years ago, in one year, I got married, got pregnant, moved to a new state,
and had a baby.  The only thing I lacked was changing jobs and a death in the
family.

It passes.  It helps a lot that you recognize the turmoil you feel and that there
is more than sufficient cause for you to feel that way.  That is, *you're
completely normal to feel overwhelmed*.  Actually, I'm impressed by all the
happy events you have to look forward to.

You're doing the right stuff - talking about how you feel - it will help you
realize you're not alone.  Because you're not - we're all right here.

    
    Get a cup of something, sit down and read this!
    
    I hope this helps, it's funny now that I look back at it.
    
    When I was FOUR weeks from my due date with my first child I had to:
    
    Pack up my house because we sold it and the other people wanted to move in.
    
    TWO weeks before my due date we had to move the packed contents (me, 
    my husband and his friend!) to the new house.  BUT we weren't able to
    move in - only our stuff.  The builders weren't ready for us yet.
    
    So, I had to house sit a friend's house for 1 week - which wasn't bad 
    except her dog (which I was also watching) had congestive heart failure
    got VERY sick, I had to call her home so we could put the dog down.  CRY?  
    Oh yes!! I felt horrible, but the dog was on his way out anyway.
    
    ONE week before my due date I (and my husband) had to move in for a 
    week with my *inlaws*.  I was just starting to get along and visa versa
    with my inlaws.  My husband had to drive 1 1/2 hours to get to
    work from there.  I stayed at home with them (DID THEY HAVE TO BE ON
    VACATION *THAT* WEEK?).
    
    UGH!  I moved into my new house on my due date.  Guess what?
    The water wasn't hooked up and I didn't have a phone.  Ballistic???
    Oh, yes!!!  Luckily my mother worked for the phone company and was
    able to finagle my phone hook up that FRIDAY.  THAT very night, the phone
    company want on strike (for 5 months).  I considered my mother a God 
    send from then on.  But still no water.  (the woods became my best
    friend!).  And to make matters worse, it was a new house, new state,
    new baby on the way, have to unpack and there's not another house
    around!  (we were the first house to build in the area).  
    
    Lonely?  Incredibly!  Especially since I didn't have any family or friends 
    anywhere near me (closest acquaintance was 1 hour and 45 minutes away).
    Before the phone was hooked up I had to go into our town and use a pay
    phone (luckily the baby came two weeks late, so if I had gone into
    labor I would have at least, at that point, have been able to call
    someone).
    
    I can laugh now Kyra, but it was the most stressful time of my life.
    I never thought I'd like my new *Anything* the way I was feeling!
    
    TAKE one thing at a time, if you start lumping everything together,
    it'll drive you crazy.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Nancy
    

    
    
    No, youre not crazy. Its only natural to feel overwhelmed with all
    of these things going on in your life at this time. I can certainly
    relate. I was married in Sept 1991, bought a house in Dec 1991,
    got pregnant in Feb 1992, and had my son in Oct 1992. Talk about
    stress.  
    
    Youre not alone. Hang in there. Try and take 1 thing at a time!
    
    Chris
    
    (Now, if I would only listen to my own advice!)
    

For some reason this note is having the exact opposite effect on me than what
I wanted.  I'm sitting here at my desk with tears in my eyes feeling sorry
for myself.  I do appreciate all your replies, though.

I think I will only be able to laugh at all this when it is far behind me.

It is good to talk about it, I guess.  But maybe I need to talk to someone
in person.

I want my mommy (who's far, far away in California)!

Kyra

    I think if it were me, I'd go ahead and have a good cry. 
    
    It *is* a stressful situation.  Sometimes when I'm in a stressful
    situation, it helps if I try to visualize the worst possible thing
    that can happen.  Sometimes I get so extreme I laugh at myself,
    and sometimes I realize it's not as bad as I thought, but at least
    it helps me be prepared for some of the eventualities.  
    
    --bonnie

    
    
    Kyra,
    
    I hope you have support at home.  You all need to stick together now.
    The sanity checks with your family are important.  Your 2 year old
    is going through the same changes you are, if she's rolling with the
    punches (really and not acting like she is) then she's a secure 
    resilient 2 year old.  That's not to say she doesn't need some extra
    attention but if she feels secure, she'll get along fine.  You have
    alot of planning and preparation and anxiety on your mind right now.
    Separate it out.  On paper if necessary.  Compartmentalize the things
    that are on your mind.  It helps clear the mind, really.
    
    Being far away from our families seems to be the norm these days.  I 
    also miss living near family, but when the dust settles, you'll build
    your own support system where you are.
    
    Nancy
       
    

    
    
    You've done everything you always wanted to do and you are going to be
    able to get through this as well.
    
    Boy ! What a list of accomplishments ! A brand new house, a lovely
    toddler, a pretty good relationship with a spouse, and a darling new
    baby on the way....not to mention a job to come back to in 6 months.
    
    You didn't get here by living a stress free life. So how did you get
    here ? A little prayer ? An occasional telephone call home for kind
    words from Mom ? A set of "to do lists" that would reach to the moon ?
    Crying into the pillow when it got real bad and you were scared ? What's 
    your secret ?
    
    You're going to use the same stuff to get through it this time. And you
    know that not everything on the list will be checked off in time and
    you'll deal with that, too.
    
    Just don't forget your real priorities. Spend a little extra time
    reading to your toddler or watching a Raffi video. Pack one "everything
    I REALLY need box" for each member of the family and let your neighbors
    and 2 year old pack the rest...you will be too busy with the new baby
    to need your hairdryer and good dishes anyway.
    
    People are going to jump out of the woodwork to meet the new couple in
    neighborhood with the new baby. And I'll bet the new newghborhood
    houses at least one 10-12 year old who would love to play "mother's
    helper" and help with the 2 year old for the summer.
    
    Good luck. It sounds like you are off to more exciting things in your
    life.
         

Boy, do I remember "wanting my mommy".  The year I had all the changes, I
remember saying more than once to my husband, "I just want my mommy."

I cried a lot too.  And the nicer people were to me, the more I cried.  I
was tough enough to withstand the jerks, but when people were nice, I could
let the defenses down and be human.

So, like Bonnie says, have a good cry, as many times as you want to.  It only
shows you're human, which is just another good thing.

And call your mommy.  Forget the long distance charges for now - now is when
you need her.  Trust me, I called my mother a lot and she appreciates that her
adult daughter sometimes needs her mommy.

    
    Yes, cry if you feel like it ... it does wonders (at least for me).
    
    For every major task on your list, do only what you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.
    Shrug your shoulders and look the other way (a lot!!).
    
    And don't forget to save your energy for the most important events --
    -- your labor and delivery and 
    -- your toddler (who is going to ask for more energy from you than
    before.)
    
    Don't think you have to take all advice your are given (including
    mine!!)  -- take only what appeals to you and to heck with the rest.
    
    Wish you all the best in everything. 
    
    Pam

    Gee, it was just eight years ago that I was in a similar situation.  We
    had just moved into our first home in April of 83.  My daughter was
    going to turn two the same month the baby was due which was August 83. 
    She was already playing the part of the classic terrible two.  I was
    dealing with the death of my Grandmother whom I had always been
    extremely close to.  And then after my son was born my Husband went to
    South America to visit his mother leaving me quite alone with no family
    here and no real close freinds either.  He was away for a month and
    that seemed like the worst month of my entire life.  But I survived,
    and I realized that I could handle anything from then on.  Now I look
    back and feel quite proud of myself for being able to come through all
    of that stress without falling apart.  Just focus on your children and
    your husband, the rest of the stuff will fall into place all by
    itself...
    
    regards,
    
    lynne c
    

    I went through the same things you are.  But you have to remember that
    yes, a good cry seems to help tremedously and you also have to remember
    that your hormones are in an absolute uproar.  What seems to be
    extremely stressful today may not be that stressful tomorrow.
    
    You will survive.  You will make it through this.  You will have a
    husband.  You will have a new house.  You will have a toddler.  And you
    will have a brand new baby.  
    
    And in a year or two, you will look back on all that you've been
    through and it will make you feel stronger, and it will make you feel
    proud of yourself for making such an accomplishment.  At least this is
    the way it worked for me.
    
    As they say in the parenting world, "And this too shall pass."
    

    I can relate to your situation.  I got married 2/14/91, got pregnant
    5/13/91, moved into a new house 10/1/91 and had a new baby 1/14/92.
    In a month I will be going through the process of weaning my baby which
    will be another stressful situation so sometimes I don't think the
    stress will end.
    
    A good cry does help and I have had many a good cry at work!
    
    Be good to yourself and call your mother often.  Mothers are wonderful
    in stressful times.
    
    Joyce

    Here's a poem you might have already seen but, it may boost your
    spirits a bit:
                           DON'T QUIT
    
    When things go wrong as they sometimes will
    when the road your on seems all uphill
    when the funds are low and the debts are high
    and you want to smile but can only cry
    when care is pressing you down a bit
    Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
    
    Life is queer with it's twists and turns
    as every one of us sometimes learns
    and many a failure turns about
    when you might have one if you'd stuck it out
    don't give up, though the pace seems slow
    you will succeed with another blow.
    
    Succes is failure inside out
    the silver tint of the clouds of doubt
    and you can never tell how close you are
    it may be near when it seems afar
    so stick to the fight when your hardest hit
    it's when things get worse that you mustn't quit!!
    
    
    Things will look brighter as days wear on, you'll see!! Rest easy.....
    
    Sandy
    

    
    And realize you're pregnant and hormones play a big part
    in how you handle all this....after post-partum you
    will feel more able to cope.
    
    

    I agree with .15. It's so hard to cope with everything when
    you're pregnant on top of it all.
    
    Now I have to tell my story too: I was seven weeks away from 
    delivering my first baby when we moved to England from Boston.
    On top of that, I had a detached retina and had to undergo two
    eye operations. So I delivered my baby in a strange country
    with no friends or family around but I got through it. You will too.
    
    I really think you'll feel better once you have that child. 
    
    Elizabeth
    
    PS
    
    Good to see Bonnie back in here. I've missed all your good advice.

    Will it help when I say that I admire you? My daughter is just a little
    over 9 months now and I certainly did not cope with all the things you
    seem to be doing very well with! 2.5 weeks to go and you are still
    working? - Wow, I stopped work 6 weeks before (I live in the UK) and
    not before time! - I felt like a balloon, the weather was hot, and I 
    ended up spending the remaining 5 weeks of my pregnancy either propped
    up on the sofa reading or watching daytime TV  or with my feet in two
    buckets of water just to cool down. How you have the energy to cope
    with work, a toddler, a husband etc. is just beyond me. You obviously
    have more mental strength than you know.
    
    Yes, I can understand that the multiple changes that are taking place
    in your life right now are scaring you. But, as all the previous notes
    say, have a good cry if you want to, call your Mum, and then, after
    that, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF on coping so well most of the time.
    
    Shame I can't send you a bunch of flowers over the net. You certainly
    deserve them (and more)!
    
    Gilla
    
      
     
     

    relate???  You bet I can!
    
    First we had our condo on the market, I refused to raise any child in a
    four room walk up condo-period!  First it wouldn't sell, then the
    minute we took it away from the broker we sold it privately, but it got
    worse, we had ordered a prefab home, and had attempted to buy several
    pieces of land, all of which had one or more title problems, so in
    desparation we sold the condo,  and moved in with my inlaws.  Don't get
    me wrong I love my inlaws and they would do literally anything for us
    emotionally or financially, but mother inlaw makes it very clear that
    this is HER home, and we are to abide by HER rules, and to make matters
    worse she positively HATES cats, and we refused to give up our cat for
    the indefinite number of months we were to spend living with them.
    
    Oh yes, I had an amnio and during the horribly long waiting period for
    those results, my husband got sick and was hospitalized for almost 2
    weeks, surgery was an off and on again thing on a daily basis, they
    found what was called a "growth" on one of the tubes leading to his
    lungs, which ultimately meant a minor biopsy proceedure, but I was in a
    complete panic not knowing if this baby would know his father, would he
    even be alive by then?  By the way, it was all nothing and nothing
    major was ever found, he's so healthy today he even does pheresis blood
    donations.
    
    My son was born, while living with the inlaws. We still didn't know what 
    our permanent address would be.  We ultimately gave up on getting a piece 
    of land, and lost over 10K to a questionable prefab home dealer, and had 
    to sue one of the land owners (who we were later told had mafia ties) for 
    a deposit on a piece of land "gone bad".  We had minimal privacy for
    the two, and eventually three (does the cat make four?) of us.  And of
    course a mother in law who told me how she had raised 5 children, and
    what did I know about raising a baby.  we all have our horror stories
    don't we?  
    
    Would I change anything at all, probably not much.  I had the support
    of my inlaws after AJ was born with all his difficulties and several
    hospitalizations before we moved out when he was 4 months old.  There
    are lots of things we needed for our new home, that we would never have
    afforded for a long time, were it not for the support of my inlaws. 
    
    There is no mention of my family here, since my parents both died a few
    years before this, I had no mom to call home to, but I have a mom-inlaw
    and dad-inlaw (who by the way gave me away at our wedding) whom we call
    mom and dad!
    
    Cry, yes I did a lot of that, and I blamed a lot of it on hormones. 
    You probably deserve to cry, and feel sorry for yourself.
    
    By the way, I read that women who cry at least once a week seem to have
    less colds.  So crying must be good for you!  How's that do?
    
    Lyn

Thanks so much everyone for the kind words and advice.  

Shame on me, I never did have that talk with my Mom.  I should.

Things are much better now that I'm off work.  It's amazing how that really
helped me physically and emotionally.

My due date is today and the baby has not decided to come out yet.  That is
good since it gave me time to get organized after the move.

Thanks again everyone; you are all so sweet.

Kyra

    Kyra,
    
    Did you have your baby yet?  I know you entered your note on June 11th
    and you were due in two weeks.  I'm sure you've had your baby by now or
    you are feeling miserable right now if you haven't.
    
    Please let us know how you are doing and how the baby is doing.
    
    Joyce