Conference moira::parenting

Many Europeans do not wear shoes in their homes.  The polite solution that I
have often seen is that the hostess has a number of pairs of slip ons in 
different sizes and guests are asked matter of factly to put a pair on.  I
always have to wear shoes due to foot problems but all of my boys' friends
take off their shoes and put on a pair of slippers when they come into the 
house.

Can't help with the hand washing ...

ccb

    When I was pregnant (my first and so far, only) I read a magazine 
    column that talked about how mothers change between the first, 
    second and third child.
    
    When the first baby drops its pacifier, Mom washes and sterilizes it.
    
    When the second baby drops its pacifier, Mom rinses it off and gives it
    back to baby.
    
    When the third baby drops its pacifier, Mom wipes it with her hand and
    gives it back.
    
    With the birth of my daughter, I decided to bypass "first baby" and
    "second baby" and go directly to "third baby".  I decided that with all
    the pressure of a full-time job, long commute, and assisting my husband
    in his business, I didn't need the added pressure of being extra
    sanitary.
    
    I reasoned that in large families, the third and subsequent children
    are no more likely to get sick than only children.   I don't think that
    a small amount of dirt on the floor or on our hands will affect them if
    they are already basically healthy.
    
    We have a dog and wear our shoes in the house.  The kitchen floor gets
    the dirtiest; I sweep it 2 or 3 times a week and wash it 1 or 2 times. 
    I kept it somewhat cleaner when the baby started crawling and returned
    to my usual schedule when she started walking.  I like the policy of no
    shoes in the house, but my husband doesn't agree.  With all the other
    important things to argue about, I let this one go.
    
    All this having been said, I can understand your feelings about washing
    your hands before the baby sucks on them.  Perhaps if you explain that
    you don't want the baby sucking on dirty hands, she will understand.  If
    you present it more generally as "I don't want you to touch or pick up
    the baby with dirty hands", she may understandably resist.
    
    As for the tossing in the air, the risk to the child (aside from being
    dropped - a very serious concern) is virtually nill unless it is
    excessively rough.  Bumping the child up and down on your knee (while
    seated) and even tossing up about 3 inches, is not going to hurt the
    child.  Just be sure she is sober, watches carefully, and keeps both
    hands near or on the baby at all times.
    
    Perhaps you are being overprotective?  I would seriously consider this.
    
    L

    It is summertime -- are you going to let your child go outside?
    
    There's an awful lot of dirt in the world.
    
    	-Neil

    When we brought Shannon home, we stocked up on antibacterial soap and
    face masks!  We were extremely over protective because of Shannon's
    susceptability (she was born at 26 weeks and spent 3 months in the
    hospital).  It was an accepted practice that all guests wash their
    hands upon arrival!  Anyone with cold-like symptoms were not allowed to
    touch her.  Dad and I wore masks if we thought we were catching a cold.
    
    Now, after more than a year, people automatically wash their hands
    and I don't stop them.  When she started crawling, we stopped wearing
    shoes that we wear outside in the house.  Friends who frequent the
    house take their shoes off automatically even though I never asked. I
    figure what the heck?  Keeps my need to wash the floor down to 2-3
    times a week rather than every day! 
    
    I know kids will get dirty and "eat a peck of dirt before they die",
    but germs are different!  
    
    If Shannon didn't have the susceptibility she had, I still think I
    would have mandated hand washing...not for dirt, but for those nasty
    invisible germs!
    
    my .02
    
    -beth
    
    

    
    Sounds like YOU need to deal with your sister-in-law and not
    your husband.
    
    I went through a traumatic weekend last week with my in-laws.
    I whined to my hubby to talk to his mom and he finally told me, YOU
    have the problem, YOU deal with it.  I decided to wait until
    I cooled down before I talked to her...
    
    Avoiding your sister-in-law won't solve the problem, just delay
    the confrontation.
    
    Who knows, maybe she'll be understanding about it.  I hope
    my mother-in-law is...8*)  
    
    Kristen
    
    
    
    
    

    When my daughter was born (she's now 2.5), I was not over protective of
    her. The only thing I worried about was, children coming to vist who
    had colds. But as far as people holding her, that was not a problem. 
    Babies can't be clean and smell good 24 hours a day, they do more
    damage to themselves with spitting up all over themselves than any
    adult with a little dirt under their nails can do. A far as the 
    ear infection goes, babies or anyone for that matter cannot catch
    them, they are a viral infection. And most children have at least 3 ear
    infections before the age of two. My advice: I realize you are a 1st
    time parent and are very protective of your little bundle of joy, relax
    a bit and have faith in those who hold her. I'm sure the things you
    explained in your note are not done intentionally. You will probably
    look back on this time when baby is older and say," I can't beleive I
    was so over protective". Baby's are not as fragile as people tend to
    think. Wait till your child is older and walking, the bumps and bruises
    and dirt on them is almost a 24 hr aday thing!
    
    Sorry to be so long winded 
    
    Sandy

    We don't wear shoes in the house, but it's to protect the carpets,
    not the kids . . . 
    
    --bonnie

It sounds like it isn't really the hand-washing that's bothering you, but your
s-i-l's attitude and the way she tends to just grab the baby from you.  I think
you need to talk to her about this.  She probably has no idea she's making
you feel territorial.  Tell her so. Decide what you want (call before coming to
visit?  washes her hands before playing with the baby?  do not let the baby
suck on her finger?) and tell her directly.  Do this when the baby is not there
to argue over.

You *are* the mother and you have the right to set the rules for your child; 
don't forget your husband has the same right.

*BUT*, a little dirt and germs isn't going to hurt.  Elise kisses the dogs,
eats dirt and leaves and stuff off the floor, and shares her crackers with the 
dogs if we don't stop her.  She's healthy as a horse.

    
    I have told my sister-in-law to take off her shoes when I have a good
    excuse; eg., right after I have the carpet washed, when it was
    snowing out.  I have also said couple times like "please take off  
    your shoes, I heard there were ticks by the walkways in the front".  But
    sometimes she says "oh my shoes are clean".  And that's usually where
    the conversation ends.
    
    By the way, in the daycare (a family daycare), nobody wears the shoes
    in the house.  The daycare provider seems to wash her floor every 
    morning before everybody arrive.  Sometimes when I get there early,
    she is just finishing washing the kitchen floor.  
    
    What can I say to make her understand that that's what I want in MY
    house, and I don't want to keep reminding her that?  She is little 
    bit older than us, not married, no kids.  She likes to tell us what to
    do with our marriage, our jobs, our apartment, and so on.  She and
    I have had a nice, friendly relationship even though we do not enjoy 
    each other's company.  I don't want the relationship to turn ugly, so 
    I have been trying not to be rude.  I don't mind if she never comes to
    visit us again, but I don't want her to hate me, thinking I am the one
    who is not letting her visit her brother and her niece.  So what do you
    think, folks?  Any comment is appreciated.
    

    It is always difficult to allow other people and their different ways
    to come near our children.
    
    I have to balance what I perceive as the danger with what I feel is the
    value to my child of knowing the affection of other adults, especially
    those family members who will always play a role in my child's life. I
    usually find myself deciding in favor of letting the relationship grow
    and maybe washing the baby's hands afterwards.
    
    

    Hi,
    
    Just my two cents worth:
    
    To set the stage the first visit is always the easiest but afterwards
    you can still be the one to say how you would like your child handled.
    
    My daughter, now 11 became neutropenic (sp?) and it was really VERY
    uncomfortable for me to say anything about hand washing when you come
    in.  Especially in the beginning.  It was much easier to explain the
    situation before they were allowed to visit but when her tutor came
    over the first time, I was very nervous about asking her to wash her
    hands, she was more interested in running over to kiss and hug  etc...
    When I did ask, she said "Oh I just finished taking a shower..." and 
    from what I knew (or more precicely didn't know) about germs, that 
    wasn't good enough for me.  My other daughter saved me by blurting out
    that she had to wash anyway, so the tutor submitted.  It took me along
    time to sit down and figure out how to handle this in the future but 
    the only answer I found was that it had to be said! regardless!!
    
    I am more comfortable with it now and I'm sure you will relax a bit
    when you find yourself in this situation (the differences in the people
    handling your child) throughout your many happy years with your child.
    
    One suggestion I might make is to make a silly sign to put on the door
    for all to see that depicts what you see in your mind.  Like a baby 
    sucking on fingers and all those little germie critters running around
    around blowing their noses because they are cold germs.  This may sound
    silly but I would definitely take the focus off the one person visiting
    and make it less personal.  
    
    I have two girls and found that dirt doesn't hurt them, the germs that
    people carry will be around all their lives, they will abuse their 
    bodies more than any adult will, and it's even good for them to be 
    exposed to germs at a young age to build their antibodies up slowly.
    If you take them out of the house into any enclosed building (even the
    doctors office **the worse**) they will be just as exposed to germs.
    They need to build up their own defense systems and if your nursing at
    all, now is the best time to do that, when they are getting some
    defense from you.
    
    It's so hard to write    just a little....
    
    Lori

    Just an aside...taking your shoes off is fine if that's what
    you want to do, but keep your socks on.  The oils from your
    feet will not only possibly spread germs (or maybe athletes foot :^)
    but the oils cause your carpet to wear out sooner by attracting
    dirt faster.  At least that's what the carpet cleaner told me.
    
    Jodi-

    It sounds like you need to sort out the house rules and the baby rules.
    
    If you don't want shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean, then
    that's a separate issue from keeping dirt or insects away from baby. 
    Guests will take your request more readily if you say that it is simply
    your preference and leave the baby out of it.
    
    By the way, people get ticks on their clothing (not leather shoes) by
    walking through brushy areas, particularly where there are deer.  I
    don't think you'll get ticks in the driveway unless your bushes hang
    over really far.
    
    We have woods near our house, and our dog frequently goes there.  We
    also sometimes walk there.  So far, no ticks.  They are pretty obvious,
    by the way.
    
    L

    RE .13
    
    i agree...if you don't want the shoes in the house, SAY THAT!
    rather than use other excuses to get her to take her shoes off.
    
    

It sounds to me (only my opinion) that your problem is with your relationship
with your sister-in-law and is manifesting itself in how you perceive her
with your baby.  You mentioned many other things, like her telling you how to 
live your marriage, etc. so I think you have to sit down and say to yourself,
"Now exactly what must I try to change in this relationship to make it possible
for us to enjoy each other or is this impossible to do?"  This may involve
making a list, sorting out real issues apart from "things you can live with" and
recognising that there are things that are impossible for you to change.

Discuss it with your husband, always with the idea in the back of your mind that
you really want to improve the relationship.  Then discuss it (hopefully
together) with your sister-in-law.  I think if you tell her how YOU fell and
how things that might not affect her affect YOU, she will hopefully not take it
as a criticism of her but as an honest effort to effect real change.  You
shouldn't use euphemisms or excuses.  It is very important to verbalise your 
feelings and make sure she understands that these are things that really
bother you.

Be ready for compromise.  You might have to give way on some minor points to
score on the major ones.  Good Luck!

Cheryl