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| Title: | Parenting |
| Notice: | Previous PARENTING version at MOIRA::PARENTING_V3 |
| Moderator: | GEMEVN::FAIMAN Y |
|
| Created: | Thu Apr 09 1992 |
| Last Modified: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1292 |
| Total number of notes: | 34837 |
153.0. "Taunting ... Teasing" by CALS::JENSEN () Tue Jun 09 1992 11:12
Lately, I've been noticing our neighbor's youngest (of 3 girls) - 3 years old -
is taunting Juli (2-1/2). Although Juli is an only child (until September!),
she does share quite well and rarely is territorial or possessive.
So, if the neighborhood kids come over, all toys, swings, bikes, etc. are "fair
game". Juli has a toddler's ATV (which my Dad got from a yard sale) which
seems to be the BIGGEST bone of contention amongst kids of ALL AGES!
The arguments get so bad between the kids, that sometimes, I don't
even let it out of the garage!! (Juli usually could care
less). The other day, we were doing yardwork and the garage door was open,
so the 3-year old took out the ATV (Juli was happy drawing chalk figures on
our driveway). The 3-year old kept going up to Juli and "taunting" her ...
"ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ... I have the ATV ... I have YOUR ATV ... you can't have
it ... I have it ... ha, ha, ha, ha ...". So, now Juli's been taunted into
wanting it and the game rules have always been "who had it first?" ... so
Juli goes spastic.
Sunday, Juli was playing in her kiddie pool with a basket of pool toys nearby.
Happy and quiet ... while we planted flowers. The 3-year old came over,
got into the pool, picked up an oversized plastic shovel (that Juli could care
less about) and then started flaunting and taunting Juli with it ... waving
it over Juli's head. I asked the older kid "who had it first?" and she said
her younger sister did. Again, my kid went spastic.
I told the 3-year old she was not being nice ... in fact, she was being mean
... and if she continues, Juli may not want to be friends with her. 3-year
old could care less! Juli calmed down and ignored the 3-year old, so the
3-year old then went over and tried to give Juli her shovel. Juli didn't
want it (yeah, Juli!!!!).
Seems like the 3-year old is the runt (and probably taunted, teased or whatever)
by her older sisters ... and this 3-year old is very much into CONTROLLING
her environment and people (and other kids). I've tried to stay out of it,
but it hurts to see Juli taunted on her turf with her own toys!!
Well, yesterday, I was talking with Juli's head instructor (at her learning
center) ... we are "good" friends and can be very open with each other. Juli's
instructor mentioned that Juli's started taunting her best schoolmate, Tommy
(Tommy and Juli are BEST friends!). I forgot to ask the instructor how she
handles it (I'm sure she "speaks" to Juli about it ... but not sure what
"action" is taken).
So, in not "effectively" dealing with the taunting at home, Juli's picked up
a new trick!
My husband said that we should take the toy from the taunting child and give
it to Juli (especially if it's Juli's toy to begin with) ... or ask the
child to leave the yard until she can be a "nice" person. I have problems
with tossing a kid out of the yard over taunting and giving the toy to Juli
is a double-wammy "slap in the face", if you ask me.
I say to remove the toy all-together! Warn the kid, but let them continue
to play together.
Am I being too easy? The girl's mother tends to ignore feedback -- especially
negative feedback ... and since this is occurring on our turf and with our
kid, I'd like to devise a plan of action that Jim/I agree to and implement ...
to give the 3-year old a clear message AND to let Juli know it's NOT acceptible
behavior "from US".
What are your thoughts/suggestions?
Dottie
| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 153.1 | I'd remove the toy all together | TANNAY::BETTELS | Cheryl, Eur. Ext. Res. Prg., DTN 821-4022 | Tue Jun 09 1992 11:37 | 16 |
| I have a rule with my children that "if you can't play nicely with something
then you can't play with it at all". Especially with children of this age.
The 3 year old should be taught what you consider appropriate behaviour on
your territory. If you feel taunting is inappropriate, then it's your
place to deal with it. I don't think that telling the girl that "Juli won't
like her" will be sufficient. It has to be someone in authority and then
you have to stick to it. I would even go so far to say that if she continues
the behaviour, sending her home to "think about it" (i.e. remove her from
the fun) would also be appropriate.
I also think this can be done fairly without over favoring Juli. After all,
ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed. I'm sure
you wouldn't want Juli picking up this kind of behaviour. (As you have
already mentioned :-)
Cheryl
|
| 153.2 | | MOIRA::FAIMAN | light upon the figured leaf | Tue Jun 09 1992 12:53 | 10 |
| I'm with Cheryl (and with your husband).
I assume that if a child picked up a toy and started hitting another child
with it, you'd take it away -- because hitting is unacceptable behavior, and
the toy is to be played with, not for hitting.
But exactly the same things hold here. The child is behaving unacceptably,
and is misusing the toy as part of her misbehavior.
-Neil
|
| 153.3 | | GOOEY::ROLLMAN | | Tue Jun 09 1992 14:04 | 19 |
|
I agree that the toy should be taken away, but it should not be given
to Juli. That just goes against the other rule she has been taught, that she
can't play with something someone else is using.
So, I say take the toy away completely, and explain it as, if you can't play
together nicely with this toy, you can't play with it at all. It will stop the
immediate problem. (Other than the temper tantrums that may result).
I personally would do one more thing - I would tell the teaser that if
she continues teasing Juli, she can't play with Juli anymore that day. If it
happens a second time, I would send her home. (I personally wouldn't word it
as "when she can be nice" - not clear enough for a 3 year old, I think).
My reason is that this child is instigating the problem, and needs to discover
this behavior has repercussions. If her mother isn't receptive to feedback,
then you must set the standard for behavior while in your territory. It also
shows Juli that this is behavior you won't tolerate.
|
| 153.4 | | PROXY::HOPKINS | All one race - Human | Tue Jun 09 1992 14:07 | 7 |
| I agree with the other replies. If it were me, I'd put the toy away,
explain to the offending child why (unacceptable behavior in our home),
and tell the child if it happens again he/she will have to go home.
That way he/she has been warned if they break the household rules what
the the consequence will be.
Marie
|
| 153.5 | I wish I had a solution.. | CSOA1::ZACK | | Tue Jun 09 1992 14:22 | 15 |
| I have a similar problem with my daughter (4) and my nephew (6). My
nephew is a very bad kid and his parents aren't into discipling him.
When they come over for a visit he always picks up Alicia's toys and
teases her with it. Usually he gets her to the point of crying and
screaming.
The last time this happened my husband told him to give back the toy, he
did not listen to my husband so I sent Alicia to my neighbors house to
play with her friends. My nephew is extremely shy and does not talk to
hardly anyone so he would not follow her. He sat at the edge of the yard
and waved the toy but Alicia totally ignored him. I hope this got the
point across to him but I doubt it. I really think he has serious
problems and has no sense of right or wrong.
Angie
|
| 153.6 | Seems to be the concensus ... remove the toy! | CALS::JENSEN | | Thu Jun 11 1992 17:22 | 25 |
|
Jim told me (yesterday) that the head instructor pulled him aside (outside of
Juli's earshot) and told him about an incident that happened earlier that day.
Seems that Juli was teasing/taunting Tommy with one of those large blowup
rubber balls. Tommy (who's the same age but 2X bigger) grabbed the ball,
threw it over the fence and said "NOW THAT'S THAT! ... NO ONE gets to play
with the ball NOW!"
Yeah, Juli freaked out.
The head instructor went inside and nearly burst a gut laughing.
Head instructor said the ball remained on the other side of the fence for
the rest of the day and Juli kept looking at it and occasionally asking about
it (and was reminded how and why it was there).
Head instructor said "this may be a good lesson for Juli". Huh-huh, I hope
so.
So, it looks like Tommy's Mom "removes the toy", too!!!
Thanks NOTERS!
Dottie
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