Conference moira::parenting

    Hi John:
    
    As an only child, I have to say that I, myself, did not miss out on
    much since my mom and dad were VERY aware of the possible problems, and
    made sure to live in subdivision-type areas where there were lots of
    other children, and ALWAYS let me ask someone to go camping with us,
    canoing with us, and even go to the mall with us when we went.
    
    I do say as I get older, I am glad that I married into a larger family,
    and my brother-in-laws/sister-in-laws are wonderful to have around and
    do things with, and we enjoy our children together, BUT there are a lot
    of negatives too.
    
    I worry when my parents get older and if they should fail that the
    duties of taking care of them may be solely my own.  I hope that
    financially we can deal with it.
    
    I will be having my second child this September, and must say that I,
    MYSELF--SELFISHLY, will be glad to have another child around for them
    to entertain each other.  Last night while dancing around to a
    sing-along video (which we do often), I did think "Won't it be nice to
    have another person for Kristen to play with, so that I could take a 5
    minute break!"
    
    Back to the positives . . . there are many for you and your wife, which
    will be obvious, and if you want to have one child, I think that there
    are many things that you can do to make it a non-issue for your child. 
    If you care enough to ask the question, you must be already thinking of
    those things that matter.
    
    Good luck . . .
    
    Jolene

    John,
    
    Sounds like you have similar feelings as my husband and I.  If you are
    considering no more children for fear of repeating trauma and unhappy
    memories, you are in the same boat as we are.  I have considered 
    authoring a note on the subject, but never had the time.  
    
    Perhaps fellow noters could offer their "expert" opinion(s)??
    
    -Beth

    I just have to say that my husband and I made the decision together
    to only have the one child (Kevin born 12-26-89), due to emotional,
    and financial constraints.
    
    We plan on not letting it become an issue with Kevin, we plan on
    letting him take his best friend anywhere with us if we go someplace
    for the kids.  We live in a nice neighborhood and I can't believe the
    amount of friends he already has at age 2-1/2.  I think we will always
    ask Kevin if he wants to have a buddy with him in anything he does, and
    in our case he has several cousins we are close in age and location to
    not feel lonely.  We also spend a great deal of time with him.
    
    I just want to say, you have to do what is best for you!  In my case 
    having 1 child was it.
    
    Joanne

     My son and daughter are not only children (I guess that's a tautology),
so I can't comment directly, but I have some observations and opinions.
     My son's best friend is an only child.  I would call him spoiled
materially, but I don't think being an only child has much to do with it. 
If he had a sibling, there would be two (materially) spoiled children instead
of one.  What IS important is that he does not ACT spoiled.  He waits his
turn; he is polite; he shares; he compromises with my son and other kids;
socially, he functions just as well as any of my son's friends, and better
than most.  
     A mild flame here.  I think that your wife's "friend's" comment was 
probably a generalization, not true in all circumstances, and it was very 
insensitive of her to say that.  For sure, there are some things that you 
should do for your child, such as the excellent suggestion in .1, but IMO, 
you do not "owe"it to your child to give her/him a sibling.
     The most important thing you can give your children is a supportive,
emotionally stable home life.  To the extent that a second child might
detract from that, your first child would be a net loser, not gainer.

Clay

    
    I, being a stepmother of a 9 yr old boy have found that only children
    miss out on not having another sibling to share and be friends with.
    What I mean is, my stepson was always complaining to us that he would
    love a little sister or brother, he stated that he was lonely. 
    No matter how many friends he has he thinks that they don't take the
    place of a sister or brother.  He said he would love to wake up in the
    morning and have someone to watch tv with or play with. I also noticed
    that he was and sometimes still, is very selfish. He has been through
    the stage where "these are my toys and you can't play with them". 
    I'm sure all children go through this but I feel it more so with him.
    All in all he's a good kid. I personally always wanted at least two
    children. I have presently a 2 yr old daughter, since she came along 
    I have noticed a big change in Joey when he comes to stay with us, he is
    more caring and appreciative than before and he loves to share his toys
    with his baby sister. (he would really like a brother though). 
    But we're working on that!!
    
    Sandy
    

but there was a Reader's Digest article written by an only child about
her experience.  I think it may have been entitled "Here's Jody" but it was
several years ago (within the last 5?).  

Basically, she writes as the parent of more than one child remembering how
secure she felt because she had the advantage of receiving her parent's 
undivided love and attention.  And how she wished she could convey to her
children that they didn't need to compete for love and attention.  She portrayed
"onliness" as a very positive experience.

I think it's a lot like making the decision to have kids or not -- only you
can decide what's right for you.  Best of luck in making the decision you
feel comfortable with.

    In response to the basenoter....
    
    I'm an only child and I loved it!  As I was growing up, I always had
    plenty of cousins and friends around, so I never felt lonely.  As a
    matter of fact, I enjoyed doing things by myself sometimes. 
    Financially, I know my parents were able to do a lot more for me than
    they would have been able to do if there was another child...private
    music lessons, private college, annual vacations, etc.  I am also very
    appreciative of everything they've done for me, and am very close to my
    family of cousins/aunts/uncles/neighbors.
    
    My husband and I have 1 daughter and that's all we plan to have. 
    Although we live 1� hours from the nearest relatives, we see everyone
    so often that I expect her to grow up with just as much family
    closeness.  Our decision to have only one is primarily because we want
    to be able to give her a good education/travel/etc. too.  Also, we're
    both in our mid-30s and just don't have the energy for a 2nd!
    
    I only see the positive side of an only-child.  Having more than 1 does
    NOT guarantee help when a parent is elderly.  I've seen lots of
    situations where one or more children refuse to accept any
    responsibility for caring for the parent ($ or time), but those are the
    first to demand their "share" when the time comes.
    
    Just my opinion,
    Robin

    
    Do what you think is right.  This was my situation.
    
    Being an only child I hated it.  My parents did not spoil me,
    instead they made me work extra to earn things because they
    did not want to have a spoiled child.   
    
    My father was in the service so we relocated quite a few times.
    That situation is hard on any child, but it would have been 
    nice to start a new school and not feel as though I was the
    only "new kid".   This is probably why I make conversation so
    easily people that I have never met before.
    
    The hardest situation as you mentioned when your parents
    become ill, and you hold the burden.  My parents unfortunatly
    died at a very young age.  My Dad died 2 days after my 19th
    birthday so it just left me and my Mom.  She was diagnosed
    with cancer one year later and I lost her when I was 22. 
    We had no family to turn to.  I was it, so my friends had
    to become my family.  Holidays were very hard spending them
    alone.  People would invite me over, but it just wasn't my
    family.  
    
    I met my husband when I was 31, and now I have a 9 month old
    son.  I want very much for him to have a brother or sister.
    My husband's family is very close that is something that I
    wished I had growing up.  
    
    If you come from a big family and your child will always have
    alot of loving support.  There really isn't a reason to have
    another child.  If you are happy having one child, so be it.
    It shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.
    
    Jeanne
    

    I know that parents of an only child make a special effort to ensure
    that their child gets to include a friend in family events,
    sleep-overs, etc., so that the only child will not be lonely and will
    interact with other children frequently.   And I don't mean to be 
    critical or judgemental.............  But, there is a big difference
    between having a friend who is involved in a child's life vs.
    having a sibling involved in a child's life. The child HAS to
    learn to get along with the sibling, whether he likes the sibling or
    not.  The child can pick his friend and, if they have a disagreement,
    he can not invite that friend back again.  But he can't un-invite his
    sibling.  
    
    My sister and I are probably the last two people in the world who would
    be friends.  We are so different that we just keep annoying each other. 
    But we had to learn how to get along or else we would have killed each
    other growing up.  Today we are the best of friends even though we are
    still so different.  I would not have had this experience if I had just
    had my best friend coming to my house and participating in family
    events as I grew up.  
    
    I guess my point is that if you decide to have just one child, for
    whatever reasons, that's fine.  But I don't think that you can say
    that you will give your child a semi-"substitute" sibling by involving 
    friends and cousins often in his life.  The friends and cousins will help 
    to keep him from feeling lonely.  But they will not replace a sibling.  
    
    Last Christmas myself and my 3 siblings were together and someone snapped
    a picture of the four of us talking together.  As I looked at that
    picture later, the intensity and yet the disparity of our relationship
    was very evident to me.  Here we were, four people with different
    interests, different personalities, and even widely different ages 
    (11 years between oldest and youngest), yet when you put us together 
    we huddle up and close ranks like the Bobsey Twins.  My life is more
    complete for being part of this set of siblings.  
                         

      WOW! Thank you all for your replies. Please keep them comming!
      Its obvious by the replies that the views on this subject are at both
      ends of the scale. When I put this note in I thought it would help
      with a future decision but it has given me MANY more things to think
      about....Thats OK I'm not complaing;-) I eventually want to print out
      this group of replies for my wife to read and hope that it helps in
      some way. 
    
                     Thank a million to all!
    
                                    JOHN

    I'm sort of an only child in that my brother is 15 years older than me,
    so my folks always say they had 2 only children.  I don't even remember
    him ever living with us as he joined the service when he was 18 and I
    was only 3.  We are very close, but I did not grow up with him, so it's
    not quite the same as having siblings my age.  I don't think I suffered
    any because I had no siblings my age.  We lived near my mother's
    sisters (as in next door and 2 houses downs) so I always had lots of
    cousins to play with.  And I had friends from school.  I'm still best
    friends with someone I met in 7th grade which was more than 20 years
    ago, and always felt like she was my sister.  She's one of 6, so I got
    to see what it was like to have lots of siblings, and that always
    seemed quite grand, but I would not have changed my 'only' status for
    anything.
    
    And I think it's a myth to think that if you have more than one child
    they will grow up close and loving.  We'd all like that, but I know
    lots of families where some of the siblings do not get along and
    haven't spoken for years.
    
    I think you should do what's best for you and your family.  My husband
    and I wanted more than 1 child, and were lucky enough to have twins. My
    best friend who is 1 of 6 married a man who is 1 of 9, and they have
    decided to only have 1 child (she's 5).   I think it's an individual
    decision and that anyone who tells you to have only 1 child or have
    several children is being rude and should mind their own business.  You
    have to do what's best for you.

    	I came from a large family and can not think of family life without
    brothers and sisters. My husband came from a family of two children, he
    is often overwhelmed by my seemingly endless family.

    	There are advantages and disadvantages to both situations.

    	I don't have much to add except that for us, we want either two or
    three children (still in negotiations). We have always wanted more than
    one.

    	What I can say that is directly relevant to this discussion is that
    society for the most part stigmatizes children that do not have
    brothers or sisters. Just look at the term that we use to describe them
    "only children" only in that they seem to be missing something. We
    label them as deficient from the start.

    	 
    	If for some reason, we do not or are not able to have additional
    children, I think that I would make a tremendous effort to refer to my
    son's family position in a way that does not belittle his contribution.
    Single child perhaps? I"m not sure, but to me, "only child" just does
    not do it justice.

    				Wendy 

    Even you have brothers and sisters, you can still feel like an
    only child.  My husband is 1 of 5.  However, he is the only
    boy.  Although he and his sisters are close in ages (all are
    2 years apart), they have nothing in common.  The sisters have
    always been best friends to one another.  But my husband feels
    left out ever since he was a child.  It may due to different
    interests and personalities.  But I think, mostly is due to he
    is the only son in the family and my in-laws always treated him
    differently.  Therefore, you can have more than 1 child, but
    to have a close sibling relationship, there still some work
    to do.
    
    Wendy   
    
    

    
    Our son was unplanned. One factor in deciding on having another was
    the fact that there were *no* other kids around the neighborhood during
    the day. Most were in daycare or at pre-school. Even the little girl
    next door was always visiting someone with her parents when not in
    daycare.
    
    So having a daughter worked out well. They have formed a special bond
    together.
    
    Although my wife and I had siblings, there was a 10 year age gap in
    both cases. We felt that the children would like it if they were closer
    in age.
    
    Guy
    

    There is a good book on this subject --  "Parenting An Only
    Child" by Susan Newman. It's published by Doubleday (1990).
    ISBN 0-385-24963-2.
    
    The book covers common attitudes toward the parents of only children
    as well as the children themselves, how to make a decision on whether
    to have one or more, and gives statistics as well as anecdotal
    information about only children.
    
    Elizabeth

    Another whole areas as yet unaddressed here:  I understand that only
    children tend to magnify the traits of the first-born -- that is, like
    first-born children they tend to be independent, mature, responsible,
    and are more likely to be high achievers in their professions.
    
    As for me, I'm number 2 of 6, and have 3 kids. I love big families.
    
    Kit

    
    I just had to reply to this one, seeing as it really hit home with me
    this weekend. 
    
    I was an only child for 15 yrs, before my father remarried and had 3
    daughters (now ages 13, 11, 9 - third marriage).  I can't say I had any
    major problems with being an only child during my childhood. I don't
    feel that I was OVERLY spoiled, etc. I think I was lonely alot, grew up
    too fast, but nothing was a MAJOR problem that I can call serious.  In
    fact, I had always told myself if I decided to only have one child that 
    "hey, I turned out okay, they will too".  Well I've decided I want to
    take that comment back now.
    
    We attended my mother-in-laws wakes/funeral this past weekend, and it
    really impressed upon me how much "family" means to me. My husband
    comes from a family of 5 children. There are 17 grandchildren, and 2
    great grandchildren now.  Watching all the decisions that had to be
    made with the arrangments, the grief, and everything else that goes
    along with it, it really impressed on me how "lucky" they all were 
    (my husband and his siblings) to have each other to lean on, talk to,
    and share their pain with.  It scared me to think of when it will
    happen to my Mom...I will have no one. 
    
    Then along with those feelings comes the thoughts of Michael (my son)
    not having anyone if say my husband and I were to die together...or
    having someone to play with as he grows, someone to be close to. I know how
    important my youngers sisters have become to me, and I know those bonds
    will only get stronger as they grow and mature. And I look forward to
    that immensly. To not be ALONE as I was most of my life.
    
    I have decided that I would really like to have another child someday, 
    to give Michael that sense of "family" that I never had, and to have more 
    of a family for myself (and my husband of course). As much extra work
    as it can be, raising another child while trying to work, etc...I feel
    it will be worth it.
    
    Its so sad it took this weekends events to make me realise it all, but
    it sure opened my eyes, and made me realise what is important to me.
    
    Chris
     
    
     

    
    I was an only child for 7 years.  I felt very lonely because the
    only kids in the neighborhood were boys and they had brothers and
    sisters to play with.  All my relatives live in Boston ( 1 hour away).
    I remember saying to my mother when I was about 5, "Mom, I wished
    on a star and asked for a little brother or sister."  Well I got my
    wish.  Unfortunately, the 7 year difference was too much for me.
    I was an only child for 7 years, I had my parents total love and
    attention and then all of a sudden, it stopped.  I was extremely
    jealous of my baby brother and actually dumped him out of his
    umbrella chair at 2 weeks old because I resented him so much.
    It was a very hard time for me and now my brother will be 17.
    We don't have a lot in common and seem to be in a total different
    generation.  When my parents took us to Florida, I was 12 and he
    was 5.  He was in the kiddie pool and I was alone on the roller
    coaster.  I definately want more than 1 baby but do not want to
    have the amount of time span that my parents had with us, I'd
    rather just have the 1 child.  So if you're considering having
    1 more child, IMHO I wouldn't wait too long.
    
    -chris

    To some people, the issue of overpopulation is enough reasonto have
    only one child. The impact of having "extra" children now will have
    such tremendous impact on the earth later that our other efforts, like
    recycling, look like jokes.
    
    I really didn't become sensitized to this issue until after my second
    child was born, and I'm glad, because it makes me sad to think of not
    having her...
    

    

I am an only child.  While growing up, I had a large close-knit family 
network on my father's side. (He is one of 10 children). While growing up, 
I also had a large circle of friends. I can be pretty content in my own 
company, so I never felt lonely.  My parents were very aware of the
"spoilt-only-children" syndrome, so they were probably more strict than
my friends' parents on a few issues.  But that was the way it was and I had
enough other freedoms that I did not resent it. 

So, until I was about 26-27, I felt O.K about being an only child. 
Around that age, I began to notice how siblings were the basic support net for 
my friends (of my age, marital status etc.). I noticed that people around me
seemed to draw a lot of strength from their sibling relationships and
were beginning to spend a lot of time on them.  In a couple of cases,
the friendship suffered from the lack of time.

Around the same time, my parents's aging process also became more 
pronounced. They were around 55 and 51 at that time. Their
mortality suddenly hit me. Until then, I had never thought of the prospect.
I also realized that when they were gone, I would be all alone in this world.
There wouldn't be anyone else who felt the same way that I felt; and with whom 
I could share my feelings and memories of my youth.

Then I had my first child (a girl). And the feeling that MY CHILD SHOULD NOT
BE AN ONLY CHILD BECAME PRETTY POWERFUL.  I also felt (gut feel) that I
would like my two kids to be close in age in the hope that they would
be emotionally close when they grew up.

My second child (also a girl) is exactly 2 years younger than the first.  I 
am hoping that they will be each other's support. Especially since they 
do not have much of an expanded family to fall back on (none on my side,
my husband's siblings live in India - oh so far away.)

BTW, Two pieces of background info:

- My view of sibling relationships is pretty rosy. I do realize that there
  will be rivalry while they are growing up, but hopefully it will resolve
  itself by the time they are around 30 or so.  

- Also, I grew up in India where family values and family relationships are
  nurtured with a great amount of devotion. So this may color my 
  thinking a bit about the rosyness of family relationships. 


  Pam (Gee, this is a long reply....)
    

    I am an only child.  My parents divorced when I was 13 and it was hard
    on my mother and I.  She, however, made sure that I had as much as
    possible -- nice clothes, trips to Europe, etc.  We are very much alike
    (both strong personalities) and I felt I had to move to another state
    at 30 or my life would be miserable.  It worked out fine -- I met my
    future husband 8 days after I moved and my mother learned to cope
    without me.  
    
    Now I am expecting a daughter (today!)  I had a very secure childhood
    given all the emotional ties and I was TOTALLY happy that I was an only
    child.  I made a lot of friends and matured at a fast rate.  I was
    certainly lonely at times, but a person can be lonely with siblings
    too!!!!  After I MADE the physical break from my mother, it took time,
    but things are great.
    
    My pregnancy has not been the most fun.  I've been very uncomfortable
    and do not relish another bout anytime soon.  I hope that my husband
    and I can give her all the time, money, love and attention that she
    needs.  Certainly, given the financial state of the world (and us), it
    looks really difficult to manage more that one college tuition, trips
    anywhere, decent home and even fun things.  I would her to have the
    best -- not second or third best because we can't afford it.
    
    My husband has two sisters.  Even though they live close by, they have
    a very weird relationship.  They're not close (only call when they want
    something) and don't gush with any emotional help or sentiment.  If
    that's the way siblings act (them, anyway), I don't want to repeat the
    pattern.  Better to be a secure, happy only child than a miserable
    sibling.  (From this example.)  I am very adament about having another
    situation like theirs.
    
    It may seem selfish, but if we would wait a few years between kids, I
    would have to start with the diapers, jealousy, etc. I think I would
    rather go back to work and feel mentally simulted myself than have to
    contend with that.
    
    So, in conclusion, don't feel pressured to have more if you really
    don't want to.  (I'm sure that my in-laws will DEMAND a boy shortly after
    I have my daughter -- and, you can imagine I won't take kindly to their
    interference.)  Oh, and as for having to take care of parents when
    they're old, usually the burden goes to ONE kid anyway, regardless of
    position in the family.  (My mother was stuck taking care of my
    grandmother even though her brother is older.)  One kid usually takes
    over.
    
    Good luck.  I was terribly happy as an only and have met SEVERAL
    equally happy only children too.  (None have ever said that they really
    missed out.)
    
    D

I have one daughter.  We were told that if I got pregnant again, I would most
likly die and so would the baby.  I do think that brothers and sisters are 
a valuable asset to growth development, but if there is an emotional or 
physical risk to the life of the mother I do not consider it an asset more
of a liablility.  I had to ask myself the following questions.

	1.  Would it be worth the risk to have another child with
	    the possibility of leaving my daughter with out a mother.

	2.  What kind of stress would the pregnancy cause in the relationship
	    with my daughter.

	3.  What are the benifts of multiple child families?

	4.  What are the benifits of single child families?

	5.  Would you adopt a child?

	6.  Is the question does the child need another brother or sister
  	    or do you need a baby?

	7.  How do you stop an only child from being spoilt?


Alot of tough questions and probably a thousand more, we decided not to
have any more children.  My sister who has two boys takes care of my daughter
during the day and as a family (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents) we
do all kinds of things.  I think it actually works out to my daughters
benefit, she has the sibling inreaction with her cousins during the day
and when she goes home at night she has Mummy and Daddy all to herself.  

Just my 2 cents worth.

Sue

re :                  <<< Note 149.17 by EMDS::CUNNINGHAM >>>
                            -< I was an only child >-
    
>    We attended my mother-in-laws wakes/funeral this past weekend, and it
>    really impressed upon me how much "family" means to me. My husband
>    comes from a family of 5 children. There are 17 grandchildren, and 2
>    great grandchildren now.  Watching all the decisions that had to be
>    made with the arrangments, the grief, and everything else that goes
>    along with it, it really impressed on me how "lucky" they all were 
>    (my husband and his siblings) to have each other to lean on, talk to,
>    and share their pain with.  It scared me to think of when it will
>    happen to my Mom...I will have no one. 
    
>    Then along with those feelings comes the thoughts of Michael (my son)
>    not having anyone if say my husband and I were to die together...or......
    
>    I have decided that I would really like to have another child someday, 
>    to give Michael that sense of "family" that I never had, and to have more 
>    of a family for myself (and my husband of course). As much extra work
>    as it can be, raising another child while trying to work, etc...I feel
>    it will be worth it.
    
    
    Chris,

    I can understand what you were saying above, but no one can GUARANTEE
    that any child will have the "sense of family" if they have siblings.
    I know, because I buried my dad almost two years ago - even tho' I
    have a brother and a half-sister, I went through it "alone" - my brother
    (for only_God_knows_what_reason) never came home for the funeral, my
    half-sister and I aren't on speaking terms.  I had to make all the
    arrangements, I had to make all the decisions on my own......if it hadn't 
    been for my EXTENDED family of cousins, uncles, and friends I wouldn't 
    trade for the world, I WOULD have been alone !!!!!!

    I guess the point of this is for all of you thinking of having a
    second child because you don't want the first to be alone......it takes
    MUCH more than HAVING the second......it takes a loving, nurturing
    environment to have the kids grow up to really CARE about each other.
    I'll always regret (and always continue trying to change) the fact that
    my brother and half-sister and I aren't "FAMILY"...........

	Debbi J
     
    
     

    
    I see your point Debbi...but let me just say that having Michael be 
    ALONE wouldn't be my ONLY reason for having another child....deciding 
    to have a child is a bit more involved that, at least from my point.
    There are alot of deciding factors, that go into a big decision like
    that.
    
    Chris
    

    From reading all the replies here, I have come to the conclusion that
    this is an emotion-charged issue!!  I think the response I agree with
    the most is the one that said each case is an individual one.  I
    absolutely agree that it is a monumental decision for *anyone* to have
    to make--I sometimes envied my parents/grandparents' generation in that
    all those decisions were made for them!  
    
    My husband and I have one child, and the most pressing reason for that
    was the lifethreatening birth circumstances  pretty much eclipsed our
    having our own additional children.  It never was an issue for us,
    because our daughter completely fills our lives and is totally a
    "member" of every aspect of our life.  She is close to other family but
    day-to-day it is just us 3.  After school she now stays with a family
    who have 4 children ages 1/12-11.  The mother also sits up to 2-3 more
    sometimes.  This is a dairy farm where there is a lot of activity. 
    There is never a quiet moment, and my daughter is almost ALWAYS anxious
    to get home to her quiet home!  She told me she loves being able to
    send her friends back home!
    
    Jenn *is* very self-sufficient, a striver, creative and able to
    organize her own activities.  She is also unselfish and generous.  I am
    not sure it has much to do with her family status of being an only
    child.  I have seen it both ways.  But I see more fighting, bickering,
    jealousy and outright animosity in the family of four girls than I see
    in Jenn.  I have never had a time when she has resented being the only
    one, or when she has asked for a brother or sister.
    
    The only deeply disturbing trouble I have had with having an only child
    is with absolute strangers coming up to me and telling me how
    disgraceful I am for having one child, and that she will be lonely,
    spoiled and selfish.  
    
    Well, perhaps those people were *NOT* only children--and look what they
    became:  rude, overbearing, obnoxious and WRONG.
    
    IMHO:::  Do what is best for your and your husband.  And tell everybody
    else to mind their own business.

    When I had my daughter all I heard was you have to have another, one is
    too lonely etc.  I now have a second child not because I was told I should 
    but because that's what my husband and I wanted.  I grew up with 5
    sisters and my best friend next door was just like my sister.  I feel
    that I have bonded with my friend the same as with my sisters, I don't
    think you have to be related to feel connected (emotionally) to others.
    Kind of difficult to explain...a CLOSE friend I believe from a young
    age can be the same as a sister or brother.
     

    I disagree slightly:
    
>   a CLOSE friend I believe from a young
>   age can be the same as a sister or brother.
 
    You may be close to them when you are together, and share good times,
    secrets, etc.... but you still go separate ways at holidays, and if
    they move away they will likely get together with their families on
    holidays (instead of you).  They will not share in the
    care of your aging parent, something that has just been revealed to
    me how important it is.
    
    There are some things reserved only for siblings.......
    
    Kristen                                 

    Yes, but (as other notes have pointed out) you can still have
    siblings and be emotionally distant and estranged from them. And
    I haven't seen too many instances where brothers and sisters
    share in caring for/making decisions about aging parents. 
    
    I have three brothers, and felt like an only child growing up. They
    just didn't want to have anything to do with me because I was
    a girl. Now we are all very distant, and I feel much closer to my
    friends from my childhood than my own siblings. What good is a 
    common history (such as spending Christmases together as children)
    if you never speak much anyway as adults?
    
    And when we had problems with parents, usually the chore fell on
    me to deal with it. Then I got married and moved to another continent. 
    Now life is much better.
    
    Another point in this "only child" discussion: we seem to be assuming
    that all these situations are equal and the only point is whether or
    not to have more than one child. But I think creating a stable family
    life for your child, whether only or not, is the main issue. Having
    another if it is going to blow apart your marriage or mental health
    seems pretty pointless. If I can give my child a solid family life and
    try to keep catastrophes (such as a divorce) at bay, then I feel
    that's the most important thing, not whether she has a brother
    or sister.
    
    Elizabeth

    RE:  .28
    
    Amen.
    
    Thank you.
    

    What a timely discussion.  My husband's Aunt Jo (our Kimmi Jo is named for
    her) died Friday morning and we rushed off to the funeral.  We were
    staying with his cousin Kathy (her only daughter) Friday night, and a
    really nice article came out in Saturday's paper about her mother.
    
    Though she handled her mother's death quite well (it was a blessing, as
    she had been suffering with lukemia for several years), most of her
    emotion was expressed over not having any more family.  Her father died
    last year and her mother this year, and she has no siblings.  Although
    she is surrounded by friends and other relatives who care for her, and
    we tried to explain that to her, she still feels that she is the only
    one left and has no family.  She also had the full burden of caring for
    her mother during her illness.
    
    I never thought of my childhood as the "white picket fence" type of
    childhood, but I can honestly say that all of my friends growing up
    have remained quite close to their siblings, and for the few who have
    had to care for parents, have shared the burden - even when some are
    remote and some local.  Our family has a reunion every year, and I
    suspect we'll continue that tradition once my parents are deceased.  My
    father has three siblings, all who stayed in Colorado (He is the only
    one who left).  He shares in decisions on his mother, and travels to
    Colorado occasionally to help out with her.  My mother (whose brother
    died about 25 years ago) has worn herself out caring for her own
    mother, who has severe alzheimers.  It's sad that she can't get any
    relief every once-in-a-while.
    
    It's sad that the situation in .27 occurred - I've seen many situations
    where three brothers will adore, protect, and totally spoil and only
    sister rotten!  I guess in a situation where a parent cannot nurture
    love and bonding between siblings perhaps they would be better off with
    only one - or none! 

I am one of eight children.  My father was one of seven.  When I married there
were over 300 guests at our wedding, about half of whom were related.  This 
summer my parents will celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary with a big
picnic.  We are expecting 350 guest, again about half are relations coming 
from as far away as Geneva (us :-) and Vienna (2 of my cousins and their
families), just for the occasion.  I really love these times.

A year and a half ago, my youngest brother died.  The support we were able to
provide for my parents and each other was incredible.  The burden lessened
for each to be able to share it with another so close.

In both good times and bad, I think a big family is fantastic but that is only
my situation and I'm sure being an only child can also be as rewarding growing
up.  It's just not what I experienced.

Now the question: What is the correlation (and I suppose it's fairly high)
between coming from a big family and wanting a big family (or vice versa).  In
my immediate family, none of us has gone for eight children :-)  In fact one
of my sisters decided she was too selfish to share her time with more than
one child so she had two "only" children (10 years apart).

Cheryl

I am an only child of an only child.

When I was a child, I was asked by adults how I felt about it, and I told them
that it was fine with me.  I pointed out my B&W TV, stereo, etc in my room
and told them how terrific it was.

As I got to be an adult, I realized a lot of what I had been missing.
The monetary benefits for me were wonderful.  However, I had few friends,
no siblings, and only 2 cousins.  I was quite lonely.  My parents didn't
play games with me, and I remember always asking on Christmas or birthdays
for toys you could play by yourself (there were *very* few).  With good
parents, willing to play with their children, this can be helped some.
With an extended family (which I did not really have) this can also be 
helped.

There is, however, another thing which I consider very important that I haven't
seen here. As much as we try to be good parents, none of us is ever going to be
perfect. There were many times when I could have benefitted by talking with a
sibling about how "unfair" my parents were, and having the sibling commiserate
with me.  As it was, I felt very alone, with basically no one to turn to when
they really were unfair.  

For these reasons (and probably others), I have wanted 4-5 children.  My spouse
has wanted 1-2, so we are going to have 2-3. 

     Carol

    .1 says:
    
    	"Won't it be nice to have another person for Kristen to play
    	 with, so that I could take a 5 minute break!"
    
    Maybe after the younger is well over a year old.  So far, with an
    almost three-year-old and an almost-one-year-old, they require _more_
    adult supervision than the older one did when he was our only child.
    Since you can't leave them alone with each other, you actually watch 
    them more than the sum of the amounts of time you'd watch each one
    individually, I believe.
    
    The age gap is huge in relative terms, so they can't really play 
    together (not that two-to-three year olds have much sense of playing
    together [they do play "next to", but not "with"]), and the older one
    can really hurt the little one when he thinks she's trespassing on his
    space or his toys.
    
    If you want breaks, stick with one!
    
    		-John Bishop

    
    But John, you don't mention the pizza technique! I saw how your
    littlest one sat quietly with that wedge of pizza on Saturday! What
    a gummer! Hours of munching, gooey fun!
    
    Cyn