Conference moira::parenting

    Kristen -
    
    I am glad you added this topic.  I am expecting in July and I have just
    recently been "advised" to watch for this type of situation.  I was
    told that it is often easy to lose sight of each other and focus on the
    baby.
    
    I read an interesting article this weekend about it too.  It was in
    American Baby titled "How to Stay a couple when baby makes three" or
    something like that.  Very informative.
    
    I am interested in the comments your topic draws.  Preplanning never
    hurt ;-).
    
    Tracy

    I am so glad that this subject has been brought up.  I am also a new 
    mother of a 4 month old and find my relationship with my husband very 
    strained at times.  Since I returned to work fulltime I find myself
    completely exhausted at the end of the day.  My daughter is also
    teething at this time and is now waking up in the middle  of the night
    again so this adds to further exhaustion.  I am lucky that I do have a 
    supportive husband who changes diapers and will help with the baby in
    the middle of the night but I still find myself short of temper.  
    
    I didn't realize that having a baby would cause these problems and I 
    would also like some advice on how to juggle work, baby and husband. 
    I didn't realize I had a big problem until Mother's day.  My husband
    gave me a card from my daughter and inserted his comments, "Please be
    patient with daddy and love him too".  
    
    Any suggestions would be appreciated.
                                   

    I think the first six months after Marisa was born were the worst in my
    marriage (and I am sure Joe would agree). Marisa was born in June and
    finally after Christmas we seemed to get back into a pattern of
    harmony.
    
    I have some suggestions:
    
    1. TALK, TALK, TALK and TALK. We had been married for 7 years so my
       husband was used to my undivided attention so he was upset. Joe 
       decided to start playing golf the month Marisa was born and 
       I was upset about how he still managed to have outside interests. 
       Sex was also an issue. Joe just thought things would go back to
       normal and when they didn't we had to adjust. It took several
       long, long talks to get things back to equilibrium.
    
    2. Remeber how tired you are. As you get more sleep and are most
       rested, your relationship tends to even out.
    
    3. GET A BABYSITTER. I made this mistake and I won't with the next
       one. Joe and I started going out for dates about 7 months ago and
       it has really gotten things back on track. I know it is hard to
       leave the baby but do it.
    
    4. Work on setting expectations. I used to get so mad because Joe
       would relax after dinner and I still had a million things to do.
       I started giving him a choice "Do you want to wash dishes or
       give Marisa a bath?" We both worked until all the chores were done. 
       It also helped to get him involved with Marisa. It worked great, 
       within a month we had a cleaning lady.
    
    Your marriage is in a state of transition from couple to family and 
    that transition is tough. Don't ever let things build up, talk about
    each problem as it occurs.
    
    It gets better....we are talking about #2
    
    
    Donna
                                       

    I think most husbands these days are glad to be involved in parenting.
    
    That said, I think there is a transition, that being that the way you
    think of yourselves (your family) has to be changed from us the couple
    to us the family.  Things are going to change, and the times will be
    trying.  They will also be rewarding and fulfilling.  There are
    adjustment periods for any change.
    
    Mike

    
    I want to emphasize something mentioned by .3: date night.  My husband
    suggested this after our first born 6 years ago and we have kept it up
    religiously through 2 additional births.  We go out every Thursday
    night whether we think we need it or not!  We contracted a neighbor-
    hood babysitter to come to our house on Thursday evenings.  We picked
    Thursday evenings because it was easier to get a sitter.  She, and
    since then her sister, have sat for us virtually every Thursday
    evening.  We either go out to eat, to a movie, play racquetball 
    or just go for a walk but it's our time to regroup and spend time 
    together without interruption.  Sometimes we save our "big" discussions 
    for this time, sometimes we try to make it light, but it's a special time 
    to pay attention to just your mate.   
    
    It works wonders, gives you something to look forward to, lets you
    know things won't build up for very long before they are discussed.
    
    Good luck,
    
    dorothy
    
    

    I believe that having a child is the most stressful thing you can do 
    to your marriage short of having a torrid love affair with a stranger
    (and to some extent it's the same thing--a new person who is the
    target of lots of attention and affection).
    
    It's hard to make room for a new person, and it's harder when the
    mother is recovering from a major stress (pregnancy) and is full of
    wild hormones.  Fathers often feel left out--and mothers often
    exclude them.
    
    We have two children, and we're still trying to find a way to live
    that gives us time to be "John & Barbara" as well as "Daddy & Mommy".
    The presence of children also brings up a lot of topics which are
    not easy to deal with--like one's own ageing and the prospect of 
    death; where one should live and what work to do; what one can 
    accomplish in one's life.
    
    If you go by the notes in the topic about children and divorce, it
    seems that lots of marriages break up shortly after a child is born.
    People expect the time after the birth to be idyllic and warm--while
    you get bits of that, most of it is more like having the flu while
    going camping in the rain with crabby people--if you had the energy
    to keep a sense of humor and enjoy the good parts, it'd be ok, but
    you don't.
    
    It gets better, but you have to make time for yourselves as a couple,
    and that means _leaving_the_baby_, which is a hard thing to do.  You
    also have to work on giving up things like a clean living room and
    an organized house, and on extra hours at work and late-night movies,
    and trips to go canoeing.
    
    I'm still in the middle of this--perhaps in two years I'll have
    answers!
    
    		-John Bishop

    I have to agree with all previous topics...You have got to talk. And
    that is sometimes hard. Believe me, my husband is not a talker and I
    sometimes feel like I am making all the effort. But when the mother
    is the one doing all the work after dinner and her husband goes to 
    sit down. He May not know what you want help with and is not all
    that ambitous to hunt for an answer, and if you hold the frustration 
    of that in and are very short about it, then he may not want to 
    exactly be around someone with that kind of attitude. As the father
    is usually going through quite a bunch of different emotions as well.
    
    So I definately told him look I don't think it is fair for you to go
    lay on the couch and watch news, when I still have to clean off the 
    table, do dishes and make formula, plus give our daughter a bath. 
    And he would say ok and motivate to help me. And I would always be
    sure to thank him. I don't know why really, I don't get thanked for
    doing housework. But it seemed to help and make him feel needed. 
    
    Probably real sexist, but.....
    
    My husband said one thing he always thought was bad when growing up 
    was boys playing with dolls, he thought people would think the kids
    would grow up gay. But he said now that it can only help boys in the 
    long run to be better fathers too, if you never pretend to take care 
    of babies as kidsm he thought that sometimes it is hard for new fathers
    to be real excited about doing it now. Just one guy's opinion.
    
    Good luck. I am due in 9 weeks with # 2 and I am excited but am also
    enjoying the time I have left before things get caotic again.
    
    Charlene

re: .6

>    most of it is more like having the flu while
>    going camping in the rain with crabby people--if you had the energy
>    to keep a sense of humor and enjoy the good parts, it'd be ok, but
>    you don't.

Well, I may disagree on whether "most" should be "some", but I love the 
metaphor  ;^)

Clay

    I too have a four month old......i know what you mean!  I find myself
    getting very irritated when my husband doesn't notice things that need 
    attention and collapses then passes out on the couch every night while 
    i am running around picking up, laundry, dishes,  bottles...I felt like 
    why should i have to ASK him to help....he sees i don't sit down to
    relax til 9 sometimes later!
    
    i made myself come to terms with the fact that he is unobservant and 
    started asking for help...naming off a bunch of things that had to be 
    done before i could sit down too.....he has come around!  sometimes i 
    have to ask for help....but i started coming home to the bottles made
    and the dishes put away and sometimes even supper started.
    
    i started feeling better about him and things are coming around....but 
    boy was i getting resentful of the lump on the couch!!!  It's hard to 
    feel real affectionate when your'e tired and resentful!
    
    Linda
    
    

    
    Who am I glad isn't wasn't only me. Anna just turned a year and we 
    recently just worked through all this. I felt I was doing everything
    and whenever I tried to talk to my husband I would get "well, I do this
    or that" and I would just let it go/give up. He was getting frustrated
    with me cause I was never "in the mood". Well, one night I had had it.
    I let him know things weren't going to get better until he helped more.
    I said I felt like I did everything. He said his usual, "Well I do the
    laundry sometimes..." and I said it wasn't enough. Some how the
    conversation led to him saying "fine, then I won't make supper" (He's
    the cook in the house). And I said "Fine I'll cook supper and you can
    feed Anna, give her a bath, do the dishes, do the laundry, get her to
    bed, and try and keep the house clean." I told him maybe if he helped
    more I would not feel so stressed out and things might get better in
    the bedroom. Well, he has started to help more and things have gotten
    better. This weekend (Memorial Day Weekend) we're going to Boothbay
    Harbor and Anna is going to my folks. I'm really looking forward to it.
    I wish I had "laid down the line" a lot longer ago. My problem is I'm
    too tolerant of other people's shortcomings and therefore I put up with
    the situation a lot longer than I should have. If the talk hadn't
    worked I was going to put a list on the frig of things that need to be
    done all the time and write my name in as I did each one each day so he
    could see the disparity in the distribution of housework.
    
    Patty
    
    P.S. This weekend I was at my Mom's and I came home to a mowed and
    edged lawn, a tilled garden, a clean bathroom, a swept floor, a
    vacumned rug, and no laundry to do. To say the least I was extremely
    pleased!!

    This problem is not limited to the parents of infants.  I found my
    husband has slipped into the lazies lately.  Just a quick reminder
    usually works well "GET YOUR LAZY *** OFF THE..."  Actually, I said
    "since we have about 20 minutes before we have to go to XXX, can we 
    kind of pick up around here so it won't be real late when we get to bed
    tonight??"  Worked!!
    
    And just now in a conversation I suggested that he spend some time with
    the boys after dinner since we really only see them 3 hours a day - when
    we aren't rushing somewhere to do something.  I would gladly make
    dinner and even do the dishes if he would play ball in the yard, or
    some other relevant play/task.
    
    I just realized we haven't had a babysitter since January.  Guess it's
    time!!
    
    -sandy (who just saw the calendar and doesn't have any free time till
    June 12th)

    
    WOW!!  Male bashing!!  We should see Ophra(sp) in here any minute!!
    
    :^)
    
    Chris D. (male, and proud of it).

    Please let's not label this a male/female problem -- in our
    household, *I* am the one who does less of the housework, and
    takes the heat for it. I guess I just have lower standards than 
    my husband! Even with roles reversed, we have the same kind of 
    struggles as others here.
    
    I agree that if you can find someone to watch your kids while you
    go out on a date, do it by all means. If you don't have the money, 
    try to find someone to trade with, or a generous relative. Getting 
    out together as a couple (even just to have a chance to fight 
    uninterrupted) has really helped us ever since our first was a few
    months old. 
    
    Lucy

    In a previous incarnation of Parenting there was a similiar 
    discussion.  Part of the issue is that _I_ don't think things
    need to picked up or cleaned when my wife does, and vice 
    versa.  Right now it looks like male-bashing--and some of
    that my be justified--yet I'm sure people have female-bashing
    complaints as well (but I won't volunteer any!).
    
    It's important to remember that if your spouse is being a
    lump on the couch it might be because he or she just doesn't
    want to do a job, or it might be that he or she doesn't see
    any jobs which need to be done.  Be sure which it is before
    you use the fighting word "lazy".
    
    It's good to swap responsibilities for a lesson in how the
    other half lives.  It's also crucial not to back-seat drive
    your spouse ("Well, I would do that differently if I were the
    one doing that").  Let go.  It's almost the theme of having
    children, I've noticed: let go.
    
    		-John Bishop

    I wouldn't say it was male bashing.  A household starts with  
    a husband and a wife (and then kids most often).  Not one  
    person should be doing all the work while the other sits 
    and watches T.V (or whatever).  
    
    There would be a lot more "quality time" together if the two would 
    do what had to be done in the house until it was finished.
    None of this "this is my job and this is yours".  Just work
    together and get the job(s) done.
    
    Isn't it more fun to sit and relax with your spouse and/or kids
    as a family?  I know I enjoy it more. 

    
    re. 16
    
    I agree..that has always been my point exactly, lets BOTH get it done 
    so we can BOTH play with the baby, or BOTH relax together.  Also, that
    adds to less tention and resentment, which could be a plus later on
    (possibly in the bedroom when one of you is tired, and the other isn't)
    
    I didn't mean to sound like "male bashing" at all. I apologize to the
    men if it did.
    
    OKay, on that note, any comments from men??? Do you think your wife
    asks too much from you after a long day at work if she works also??
    If so, what?  Do you see it as "mother" things to do, or "her" chores?
    
    

Well, we handled it a bit differently.  My husband is not a "baby" type person
so looking after them when they were really little was my job.  I don't think
he ever changed my younger boy





's diaper.  And we really don't work well together
in the kitchen, I know he _hates_ to clean up and I don't mind.  If I'm 
cooking he's constantly telling me how to do it which I resent.

But he is always busy repairing and building etc. around the house.  He didn't
like the way I paid the bills so I said, "OK you do it" :-)

We need real "division of labor" in our house to avoid major conflicts.







When the boys were born, I found the hardest thing for both of us was to adjust
to the lack of spontaneity which entered our lives.  We were both tired but
not all the time and not at the same time.  When I fell into bed at 11:00 p.m.
I wasn't interested in love making, especially when I had to get up at six to 
feed the baby.  

We put a lot of things which used to be spontaneous onto a schedule.  Maybe
lacks the original adventure but is certainly less stressful.

He gets to watch his news undisturbed, nobody bothers me when I am playing
piano or flute.  (But Mom is always fair game as soon as she disappears into
the toilette :-)

And I can't even remember when the adjustment took place.  Somewhere it did.  We
just celebrated 15 years of marriage on the 14th and I must say, I have never
been happier nor felt less stressed out.

Cheryl

This really does sound like "male bashing", but I very rarely hear much "women
bashing" from men on the subject of housework and child care.  Either men don't
have much to complain about, or they are being surprisingly reticent.  My own
opinion is that women *do* tend to do the majority of the work.

The problem we had was of *me* letting go.  I was "command central".  Only I knew
the magic secret to making formula, or doing the baby's laundry.  *He* could not
spoon baby-food into the baby correctly, or wash her hair correctly.  I
undermined his confidence terribly, I knew I was doing it, but couldn't stop.

He would do any chore I asked him to, but didn't dare take the initiative.  I
did *almost everything*, criticized what I didn't do, and was exhausted and 
resentful.

This was fixed when I left for three days for business. He had to function and
did wonderfully, of course.  He was really happy to have Elise to himself for 
three days without criticism and hovering.  They had a much better relationship 
than before I left.

That was when I started forcing myself to treat him as an equal partner.  I
bit my tongue a lot.  We talked it out and since he *wanted* to be equal, he
started doing chores without asking what needed to be done.  I would go to
pack the daycare bag and find it packed.  Occasionally, I would get a whole
night off - he would cook, bath the baby, pack the daycare bag, and do the dishes.
When I slipped and criticized how he did things, he would push back (gently, 
thank god, so I could hear him).  I got more rest, more freedom, and miracle 
of miracles, my sex drive returned.

So, my recommendation is that a night out is a good thing, well worth doing,
but the feeling of being a team is even better.  Let go (as John Bishop says).
Let him make mistakes and don't say a word unless he asks for advice.  Then word
your answer like, "Well, you could do this, or you could do that.  Let me know
what works."

    
    If one of us guys started "female bashing" now, we;de end up with this
    big back and forth thing that means absolutely nothing to anyone and
    will just end up as heated arguments.  In any relationship, both sides
    have their faults.  Learning to live with them is part of making the
    relationship work.
    
    Chris D.

    
    I originated the base note and this was the first time I've been
    able to log in since....wow!  What a response.  Interesting how
    the theme has focused on 'chores'.
    
    My questions were primarily geared to our relationship and the
    stress of it.  I appreciate the advice on spending more time
    together WOB (without Baby)  Guess we haven't done too much
    of that.
    
    As far as the chores, while I was on maternity leave I did
    everything and loved it.  I was like the last note, command
    central (love that expression!)  I had to do everything...hubby
    couldn't possibly wash the baby's hair just right.
    
    Well, when I went back to work things changed.  My hubby is a
    paramedic and works 24 on and 48 off.  On his off days he
    takes care of the baby...he actually spends more time with the
    baby than I do....and I hate it!  When this happened I realized
    that I wasn't that important...anybody could do what I
    did...it was a hard adjustment and I'm still dealing with it.
    
    On weekends, I spend all my time with the baby...guess hubby
    may be feeling a little left out....
    
    My baby is very very active baby for 4 months and you have to constantly
    entertain him...when I get home, my husband is exhausted and I
    take over.  He helps some with the housework but overall, I think
    he does more than most men by taking care of Mitch, even when he
    may have been up all night running calls.  He, like me, wants to
    keep Mitch out of daycare as much as possible....
    
    I appreciate all the advice and I guess we just have to work through
    it and be patient and spend more time WOB...
    
    Kristen
           

>>   he actually spends more time with the
>>     baby than I do....and I hate it!  When this happened I realized
>>     that I wasn't that important...anybody could do what I
>>     did...it was a hard adjustment and I'm still dealing with it.
    
     I think you're looking at this whole situation wrong.  The baby is
    benefiting here.  Who spends more time?  It's not a contest!!
    Don't ever say that you're not that important.  AND, nobody can take
    your place, really.  Everyone is different.  You will influence your
    child differently than if someone else raised it.  Much of what your
    child becomes depends on you.  Jealousy NEVER fits into family life.
    
>>    On weekends, I spend all my time with the baby...guess hubby
>>    may be feeling a little left out....
    
     His feelings, or your perception?  I'll bet he's happy that you have
    the time over the weekends.    
    
>>     it and be patient and spend more time WOB...
    
     After successfully (IMO) raising 3 daughters, I think spending time
    WOB is a must.  And don't feel guilty about it.  You're not going to
    screw the kid up for life by taking a weekend off here and there.
     
    Chris D.

Kristen,
 
    I think you touched on one of the key problems, in my mind at least, that
new mothers often go through.  You said you felt unimportant.  I remember
feeling that way to. 

    When Michelle was born, all my responsibilities shifted.  Things that I used
to do, and based my sense of self worth on, were suddenly less important.  So
I ended up feeling less important.

    Chris D. is right though - you are VERY important.  You need to learn to
be proud of your new priorities and responsibilities.  You can solicit your
husbands help here by telling him you need lots of reasurement in your new roles.
Good luck.

- Carol

    You wives are way too easy on your husbands! All this macho guff!
    Phooey! ;-)
    
    My Mom raised me to be, let's see, is the word "sensitive"? I was
    taught how to be a man with whole life responsibilities -- not just how
    to watch football on TV, mow the lawn, and go drinking with the boys.
    Therefore, I learned a lot of valuable lessons early in life.
    Additionally, I did a lot of babysitting in my early teens -- those
    experiences were invaluable. My wife was raised by a woman who believed 
    in waiting hand and foot on her kids; therefore, she didn't teach much
    of the domestic stuff. So, I taught my wife how to clean, iron, and do
    laundry -- in addition to a lot of the "guy" stuff that has to get done
    around the house.
    
    We share responsibilities 50/50 and I'm not afraid to clean the toilet
    or cook a meal or iron my wife's blouse or mend her slips or buy her
    pantyhose. And I certainly won't be shy about helping to care for our
    baby. I think I have a lot to offer a child.
    
    Good luck to y'all!
    Mike
              

    re: JEOLOUSY...
    
    I wouldn't really say it was jeolousy...but rather envy.  I really
    would like to stay home and raise my kids, at least until they can
    talk...but financially we can't afford it, especially where I'm
    the bigger bread winner.  I didn't think I would mind returning 
    to work when I was pregnant, but I was wrong.  I asked my hubby
    if he thought of it as jeolousy and he said no...he knows I would
    like to stay home and is sorry I have to work.
    
    As far as my being unimportant....I have to think about that some
    more.  I never considered it as a way of self worth.  I really
    enjoy being a mom and I have always liked 'doing for' people.
    I know I am one of the most important people in my baby's life
    (besides hubby) it's just the things I was doing seemed so
    important at the time...and was hard for someone so easily to
    step in....and where *I* wanted to be home it made it harder.
    
    Interesting things to think about...
    
    Kristen
    
    
    
    
    
     

    
    Kristen, I can relate to your "envy"....I feel the same way. I didn't
    think I would have as hard a time as I am returning to work after
    having my son. When I was pregnant, and before, I told myself, hey, 
    everyone else does it, so can I. Well, I was dead wrong! I am having
    the hardest time in the world dealing with the fact that I am not home
    with my son,emotionally.  I have turned so ENVIOUS of stay-at-home moms 
    its not funny. The 2.5 months I spent home with Michael after he was
    born were the most peacful and contented months I can ever remember.
    I was lucky enough to work part time (30 hrs) for the last few mos, but
    have now, for financial reasons, had to return to 40 hrs, and its
    ripping me apart! To think of only having 2 full days with him, kills
    me. 
    
    Everyone tells me he knows who his mom is, etc...but part of me (not
    the sensible part) thinks he'll think I'm just the weekend babysitter
    now! I'm so envious of moms who get to take their kids to the
    playground, bake, go for walks, etc with their kids.   I wish I had
    known I was going to feel so strongly about this before I concieved.
    I may have waited. I feel like I am missing so much. Anybody have 
    any ideas on how to curb these feelings? Make it easier?
    
    Chris
     

    RE:  116.26
    I know exactly how you feel.  My daughter is now 4 months old and the
    2 months I was on maternity leave were peaceful.  My mother is now
    keeping my baby and at times jealous feelings crop up.  She gets to be
    with the baby 10 hours a day and I only get her a few hours at night
    and only the weekends.  My major concern with leaving the baby with my
    mom is that she would start to think of her grandmother as her mother. 
    So far this has not been the case.  She gets an exuberant smile on her
    face when she sees me and this just melts my heart, especially after a
    long day at work.  
    
    I don't know if I can give you much advice but wanted you to know that
    I can definately empathize with you.  I am hoping that with time things
    will get better.  I didn't realize either how tough it would be to work
    fulltime when you're missing the baby all day.
    
    Hang in there!

    I think the reason that some replies in this string were seen as male
    bashing had to do with the condescending words that were used.  Like
    old hubby is just another one of the kids who needs to be dealt with.
    
    Mike

    I can also emphasize with you.  I really miss being home with my
    children.  
    
    I can say however that as they get older it gets easier (for me
    anyway). I really missed Alicia when I first left her but know I feel
    better when she gets excited that it is "daycare" day. She loves the
    fact that she can spend most of the day with her friends and the other
    part of the day with mommy and day.
    
    Jessie on the other hand is harder because she is only 6 mos and I wish
    I could be with her.
    
    Angie

    
    I guess alot of my envy, and emotion about not being able to stay home
    with my son does have to do alot with his age, as you say Angie.  I
    don't think it would bother me (maybe I'm wrong here too, but..) if he
    was older, say 2. Then I would want him to interact with other kids,
    and feel that he was more capable of being alone (without parent). 
    
    But where Michael is only 7 mos now, and learning so many new things
    every single day, I really feel that I am missing so much.  Right now
    he is so vunerable, and needs constant attention, and I just wish I
    could be the one giving it to him. It kills me to have to ask what he
    did today, what he ate, how many times he had a BM, how he was, etc..
    then try to figure him out when I get home. I get the usual reports
    from my step-mom or whoever watches him, but when I hear they took a
    walk, or did this or that, as happy as I am that he was out in the fresh
    air, etc, I am so envious that "I" didn't get to do it with him. 
    
    I think some of this hit me hard the other day at a cookout where I
    held/saw some infants only weeks old. Seeing how small they were, and
    realising how much Michael has grown, I just feel like I missed so
    much. That maybe if I had been able to be home full-time that I
    wouldn't feel this way, or at least as strongly about it.
    
    I guess its one of those things you can't predict until it happens.
    
    Chris
    

    RE: .30
    
    I can understand how you would feel like that.  There is another way to
    think about it though.  My Mom took care of my son from the time he was
    2 months until he was 1 yr old.  At that time I decided it was time to
    put him in a Daycare 3 days a week so he could interact with other 
    children his own age.  He is home with his dad the other two days.
    
    I could very easily have felt envious of my mom and the time she and
    Stephen spent together, but I choose to look it another way.  I have
    to work, so I have to just except that.  Being I can't be there for him
    during the day, who else better to share experiences with him then his
    grandmother who loves him dearly.  This time they spent together has
    made their relationship very special and they are as a result of that
    very close.  
    
    You mentioned in your note that your step-mom takes care of him.  I
    would think that you could relax knowing he is well cared for and with
    someone who loves him very much.
    
    I remember making a comment to my mom once that Stephen probably thinks
    she is his mother.  She told me that when she mentions mommy is coming
    to pick you up or mommy is here to take you home, he knew exactly who
    his mommy was and I have always gotten a big smile.
    
    Some days I can hardly wait to go pick up Stephen, I miss him so much
    (he is 20 months).  I think that is a natural and very wonderful
    feeling.  I feel the same way about going home to my hubby.  
    
    Kathy

    From what I have read in this note, there seems to be a general theme 
    going on.  One spouse feels they do a substantial amount more of the 
    child rearing/household chores then the other, and it makes them angry,
    hurt and resentful.

    Instead of feeling angry and resentful for having too much to do, what
    is wrong with just coming right out and asking for help?  Make a list
    of everything that needs to get done and let your spouse know you need
    help, by asking which tasks they would like to do.  I have done that
    before when my husband is home, and it has always worked out great.  
    There is a rule to doing this though.  Whatever your spouse picks to do, 
    let it (the task) go and let them do it anyway they see fit.  Don't 
    criticize their technique.  As long as it gets done, who cares what process 
    is used to obtain the end result.  I have also used a motivator to get us
    focused on finishing the chores.  Honey, how about doing such and such 
    after we are finished?  That works well also, it focuses us on getting 
    things done quickly.

    I remember when Stephen was born, our relationship was VERY strained. 
    Even though we had been together 6 years we were only married 3 months
    when Stephen was born.  We weren't used to being Mr. and Mrs., much
    less Mom and Dad.  Stephen was 2 months old when John went out on the
    road.  He drives a truck and would be gone for 8 weeks at a time.  I had
    just started back to work and was feeling so overwhelmed, I thought I
    was going to loose it.  In 5 months I had gone from being single, to
    being married and left alone with a newborn baby.  It was quite an
    adjustment to say the very least.

    I will probably get jumped on for saying this, but all of you who have
    your spouse at home with you on a daily basis just don't realize how
    fortunate you are.  Being a single parent is a lot more confining,
    especially when your baby is so little.  You can't just say, Honey I'm
    going to the store for a loaf of bread, I'll be right back.  You have to
    pack up the kid before you go.

    If you work all day, it makes you think twice before leaving the baby
    again in the evening to go out and do something such as working out,
    errands etc.... you feel like you have already left him long enough.

    I am not trying to make this sound like a big sacrifice, I don't think
    of it as one, it is more like a major adjustment.

    You also don't have anyone there to share chores with, it is all up to
    you, or it just doesn't get done.  
    
    My son is 20 months now, and things are alot easier.  My husband is still 
    driving a truck, but is home 2 days a week now, which is wonderful.  Due 
    to these economic times this is the best we can do for now.

    This to shall pass!

    Kathy    

    Chris,
    
    One thing that helps me from missing my baby's "firsts" is to ask that
    daycare not tell me if she does something new. This way when she does
    the new thing (ex, sitting up, crawling, etc) for me it is her "first"
    time.  I have found that once they start something new they will do it
    again very soon so whats the harm in waiting.
    
    My husband watches the girls two days and a week so when she does
    something new for Ron it doesn't bother me because I love to see him 
    have such a good relationship with our children. My husband is an 
    excellent father and I count my blessing daily.
    
    I too can't believe how fast they grow.  When I see new baby's I can
    believe Jessica is 7 mos. and Alicia is 4.
    
    Angie

    
    RE: .33
    
    I was just about to enter a reply with the same suggestion.  I was very
    fortunate that I was home 6 months with my first baby and 10 months
    with the birth of the second baby.  However, this might have made it
    harder to return to work.  I really got a good taste of how wonderful
    it was to be home with the kids and was really dreading returning to
    work.
    
    My kids are 2.5 and 16 months, and they go to a family daycare 3
    days/week.  I asked my daycare providers not to mention any "firsts"
    that they had seen during the day, so when the kids did those things for
    me...it really was the first time in my eyes.  It made it easier for me
    not hearing that I missed any milestones in my children's development. 
    I know it was tough for the daycare provider not to mention anything,
    but they went along with it.
    
    Now my kids love their current babysitter, and this is what I was
    searching for in a daycare situation.  Jealous at times....of
    course...but its those darn mommy hormones that make us feel insecure
    about our abilities as parents.  Sometimes I feel that my 16 month old
    daughter gets more excited to see her babysitter than to see me, but
    its just more hormones blinding me...and when I think to those days
    that I have picked the kids up at the babysitters...I get warm fuzzies
    about the way she squeals and runs to me!!
    
    Nobody warned us about all the emotions we would experience after
    having children....
    
    Carol

    
    RE: .34
    
    -"Nobody warned us about all the emotions we would experience after
      having children..."
    
    
    I couldn't of said it better myself...certainly is amazing!
    
    Chris
    

    re: - .32
    
    My husband's work schedule is also not your average 9-5.  He works
    for the airlines and is away from home many days at a time.
    It can vary from week to week and month to month. I also envy
    those couples who are home together most of the time, ie; after
    work, weekends, etc...
    
    It was hard being home alone with a newborn, but I got past that
    time.  I take one day off a week, and my husband watches Taylor
    when he is home...it is tough sometimes, but we are trying to
    get through it. So this adds to the stress in our relationship.
    
    Other noters suggested setting up 'dates', to help rekindle the
    relationship, but we can hardly do that because of the schedule
    he has, and since I just returned to work, I don't get to spend
    much time at home, and I am pooped after my long day/long drive
    home...which seems to put yet another obsticle in the way just
    when things were feeling less strained.
    
    I feel guilty because I *don't* feel guilty being back at work and
    away from my son.  I miss his little face and adoring smile, but
    I know I have to make money to help support our family. I would
    like to stay home with him, but that is not reality for us, or for
    many others as I can gather from the responses.
    
    Deb

I'm behind in my reading right now, and just read through this string.
I find it interesting that the women in the early notes were talking about
*their* lives with *their* husbands, and that others chimed in that it
sounded like "male bashing".  I did a Search of these notes for a generalization
that had the word "men" and didn't find any.  Please keep in mind that 
an individual is "allowed" to talk about her experiences with her spouse
without it being "bashing" of a whole class of people.

One other point, please.  A household does not necessarily start with
a man and a woman (as was stated in an earlier note).  It can start with two
women, or two men, or with a woman and a child, for example.  It is most
commonly started with 2 people of the opposite sex, but I, for one, would
appreciate an attempt not to invalidate others and their families here 
(I'm sure it wasn't intentional; we all do this from time to time; that's
why it's an "attempt"/effort.)

I do think some of the points made in this string are good ones.  Shellie
and I have experienced many of these things.  We are in need of a date night
even now.  Household duties have always been a problem, so we have had a 
maid now for 6 or 7 years.  I like the idea that someone had early on,
about giving your spouse a choice.  I'm the one in our family who hates
household work (cleaning, mostly), and a choice would be a nice way to
phrase "Get off your duff".  :-)

       Carol

    Was looking for another note and came on this one that I started...
    
    So how are all the new '92 parents doing  ?
    
    When I started this topic, Mitch was 4 mos...he's now 10 months
    and what a difference...
    
    We have survived a month of ear infections, a case of strep throat, 
    teething of 4 teeth, stomach flu, moved to a new house and we are
    not only still married....we even speak to each other...!(just
    kidding!)   
    
    I think not only was my husband adjusting but I was going through
    hormone changes....we now can't picture our lives without the
    'Mitch-man' and barely remember the 'new parent' syndrome....
    
    There are still moments now and then but there only moments...not
    days! (I think we had those before Mitch ;^) 
    
    So for all you 'brand new' or soon-to-be parents....hang in there...
    this phase shall pass.....until the next....the terrible twos
    
    Kristen