Conference moira::parenting

    My son just turned 5 and he is/was the same way.  His sister is almost
    2 years old and he has been adjusting to her existence since day 1.  He
    still comes out with jealousy statements like - she never gets yelled
    at, she always gets picked up, etc.  We try to do some special things
    just for older kids like - take him to the movies (without his sister),
    buy him older kid toys that she can't have, let him stay up a little
    later than her because he's older, having friends over... 
    sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  It's very distressing to 
    me because whinning drives me up the wall.  
    
    The flip side is that I'm trying not to give Joanna special treatment
    (although it's hard because she's still a baby to me) so that Kurt can
    see that they will get treated the same.
    
    I don't know the answer but I know I have to learn to find patience and
    keep trying.  

    Well, at least I know James isn't alone!  He did tell me the other
    night that "I get so sad when you leave me."  I've been telling
    him that he will always be taken care of, and that Dad and I
    always come back, etc.  I feel bad for the kid, and I'm starting
    to feel guilty about all the time I spend away from him.

    I guess I've always felt guilty about all the time I spend away from
    Kurt and Joanna.  There are many times when Kurt asks if it is a "stay
    home day" and usually the answer is NO.  I think all we can do is
    exactly what you said " tell him that he will always be taken care
    of..".  I try to let the whining slide because he does seem to have a
    lot to deal with for a 5 year old - competing with his sister for the
    little time mom and dad have - competing with lots of other kids at
    daycare - trying to sqeeze all his home activities into 2 hours a day
    and the weekend.  I do feel bad - two weeks off a year is just not
    enough for a little kid.  When it comes down to it, I get whinny too
    with just two weeks off a year.
    
    It's taken 5 years but I'm finally learning that the chores can wait
    and that it's more fun to take the time and spend it with the kids.

re:  .1

The comment about not giving your baby special treatment so your 
5-year old wouldn't feel bad, struck a cord with me.  I will, as so 
many PARENTING Noters before me, recommend the book *Siblings Without 
Rivaly".  One of the points they make in the book is that it is much 
more important to give to each child according to their needs at a 
given point in time, than it is to make all things exactly equal.

So do the special things for your son that he needs to feel good. 
But also so the special things that the little one needs, too.  
I remember how hard it is when they are little and competing for your 
time and attention.

Good luck,
Norma

    SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY is truly a good resource - even if you don't
    read the book, the cartoon summation at the end of each chapter is
    excellent.
    

    I remember a "whiny" stage around 4 years old.  I too was surprised at
    how suddenly this surfaced.  For us no aparent reason.  Fortunately
    with a lot of "extra lovin'", and a lot of patience it passed quickly.
    
    Does this reasure you at all, that this too will pass?!?!
    
    Lyn

	I have a problem with my son that is driving me nuts and I
	need some advice.   Matthew is 3 years old.  He's always
	been a very quiet, mellow, well-behaved kid, but since his
	brother was born 5 months ago I've noticed  changes in him
	that I'm not sure how to handle.  He's seems to be very
	sensitive and easily upset.  He spends a good deal of time
	basically moping around the house (I think I've mentioned 
	in other notes that he has a hard time playing by himself).  
	Anyway, the problem is whenever I tell him something that 
	even "hints" that he's done something wrong, he runs off 
	and finds his blanket and cries. As an example, this morning 
	I said "Honey, please don't stand on the walker - it might 
	slip out from under you and you could fall and hurt yourself".  
	I was using a normal tone of voice- trying to be as gentle as 
	possible because I know how sensitive he is, but it didn't do 
	any good - he immediately ran off to cry.  I feel a combination
	of guilt for making him cry and, I hate to admit it, but also 
	irritation because he gets SO emotional over nothing! I've 
	reacted to these outbursts in different ways - this morning I 
	just ignored him and left him alone.  He eventually came around 
	and was ok again - like nothing happened! I have in the past 
	tried to talk to him - saying things like "Why are you crying - 
	Mommy isn't mad at you - you're not in trouble" - etc. - but I 
	can't seem to get it across to him.  I am wondering if this is 
	just a stage he's going thru or is this part of his personality 
	that I'm going to have to learn to live with.  Is it "normal" for 
	this age? Is it something I've done to make him behave this way??  
	Could it be because of his new brother and the change in the amount  
	of attention he's getting now as compared to before the baby came?  
	I try to spend time playing with him every day, but it never seems 
	to be enough.  It seems like he's constantly asking me to play with 
	him and sometimes, I just don't WANT to play.  If he's not nagging 
	me to play he's sitting around moping about it and feeling sorry for
	himself.  I think some of the problem is that I find his behavior
	really annoying - and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I've 
	tried asking him why he feels sad and almost always he says "because 
	I want to".  I guess I'm not sure HOW to help him express his feelings -
	I really want to understand why he's getting so upset - What should I 
	do when he overreacts like that??  What can I do to help him express 
	what he's feeling?  HELP!!! Thanks for letting me ramble!  Lila
                                      

    Lila,
    
    This is a classic problem when another child comes along ... your
    son is no longer the baby in the house.  Your attention is now
    split between two kids, and he will never be your baby any more and
    knows it.
    
    Try to reassure him that just because he now has a brother, that he
    is still just as important to you.
    
    Stuart

One thing that came to my mind is:

Can you make "playtime" out of caring for the little one, letting
your 3 year old participate with fetching diapers, bottles, help
feeding etc?

Would it help him if he felt that you and him together did things 
with the baby instead of him waiting/watching for you do be done ?


I remember my mother telling that when I was 3 and my sister
was newborn, I liked doing the little things for mom to help out.

Just a thought,


/Malin

    As other repliers have said, the change is almost certainly 
    due to the new sibling.  It's a shock to the older child--the
    usual analogy is to a husband who comes home and says he's
    got wonderful news, he's brought home a new wife to be his
    old wife's friend--won't it be fun, and isn't the old wife
    lucky!
    
    One thing you can do is arrange to have "special time" with
    the older child--my wife takes our older child out on errands,
    for example, leaving the younger with me.  Another is not to
    refuse the older "baby" things--the idea is that being the 
    older doesn't mean not getting things, it means having more
    choices.  So if the older child asks for a bottle, give it
    one (suitably diluted with water, etc.--no need to make it
    taste good!).  Anything you refuse the older will look like 
    a treat the baby is getting.
    
    It gets better, but it takes time--for us, it wasn't until
    our younger was about one-and-a-half that our older began
    to like being with her.  And the sibling stuff continues.
    
    			-John Bishop

    
    Yup, been there, done that... infact... STILL doing that!
    
    I've found extra hugs really help... and what that really boils down to
    for them is some 'doses' of non-shared parent time.
    
    My husband is also very good with talking with Sophie to help her sort
    out what the real problem is.
    Example: Peter is ready for a booster chair. Sophie's notready togive
    itup.  She was being VERY whiney, easily upset, and generally moody.
    Chip walked her through starting with "You're upset.  what don't you
    like?"... to "so you're upset that Peter is using YOUR chair.  would
    you like to help pick out a new chair for Peter?"  all smiles.
    
    FWIW, we're both reading "How to talk so your kids will listen & Listen
    so your Kids will talk" and P.E.T.  Both good reference books!
    
    Jamd

    
    Siblings Without Rivalry is another book full of good suggestions and
    tactics that's written by the same authors as How To Listen So Kids...
    
    

    Thanks for the suggestions.  I plan to get the books that have
    been mentioned.  I'm feeling much better today about the
    situation!!  (some days are much easier than others - he
    hardly cried at all today!!!) - I guess it should have been
    obvious to me that it was due to his having to share Mommy
    and Daddy now.  Hopefully, he will start to adjust before
    too long. But I'll read those books and see what I can do
    to help him thru this.  Thanks again.
    Lila
    

Lila,

Boy, can I relate! My son is 2 1/2 and my daughter is almost 4 mos. old
and I've been dealing with similar "behavior changes" as you mentioned.
Lots of whining and frustration (i.e. hitting/kicking me - not his usual
actions - and screaming "Bad Mommy!", his version of a swear word, 'til
the tears boil over, whenever I happen to impose some rule or restriction
on him - even things as simple as "It's time to brush your teeth now...").

I think it's a reaction to the pressure to be a "big boy" all the time,
which is an inadvertant side-effect of the sibling's arrival.  It's tough
not to be "annoyed" by the outbursts - have you tried "time-outs" for
either Matthew or yourself? I've found it essential to remove one or both
of us from the situation, if possible, to change the "tone" and regroup.
I agree that the key is getting him to communicate what is really upsetting
him, and it helps to guess and give him some words to possibly express
it (like the booster seat example in another reply) since just asking
"What's the matter?" usually won't get a clear answer when they're that
frustrated.

Another change I'm dealing with is my son's (extreme) preference for his
Daddy.  It is hard not to be emotionally hurt by this ("NOT mommy, I want
DADDY!!!) but I try to act like it's no big deal. I've tried the acting
"sad" approach, too, but that only seems to make it worse. Now, I just try
to reassure him by saying things like "I know you want Daddy, but now it's
my turn to help you/play with you/whatever" but it doesn't always work.
Logically, I know this is because I have less one-on-one "FUN" time with
him than before the baby arrived (nursing doesn't help) but it does get
old after awhile. 

One thing we try is switching roles - believe it or not, this seems to
work most of the time. For instance, I will pretend to be our cat Jerry
(Collin's favorite buddy, next to Dad and his stuffed rabbit and more
tolerant to toddler antics than Jerry's brother Ben...) and then
Collin gets more civil and turns to play mode. Or I use "Jerry's voice"
to ask questions to find the root of the problem.

Another thing that has worked is to play that Collin is a baby (this
started when he tried to sit in his sister Morgan's bouncer-seat). I talk
"baby-talk" to him and dote on him like he's a tiny baby, patting his head,
playing peek-a-boo, etc.  He usually quietly plays along for a few minutes
then realizes how much more freedom he has being a "big boy". This does
give him some cuddling and reassurance that he's still loved (which I tell
him many times every day but doesn't always get reciprocated...).

I should mention that Collin is very good with his sister - always gentle
and sweet and sharing - but doesn't seem too interested in "helping" when
I've tried to get him involved in diaper-changes and such. He does seem
excited to "teach" her how to hold things and now wants to put the spoon
of cereal in her mouth (just started her on "food" yesterday!), so I'll
keep trying to keep him involved. But, I do question how "fun" this really
is for him.

I'm glad to hear "this too shall pass" (but another year of this??!) and
that I'm not the only one dealing with a split-personality firstborn.
It *is* a huge adjustment when a sibling enters the picture, and sometimes
it's tough to see the correlation when the behavior is directed at the
parent and not the sibling.  Thanks also for the book suggestions.

-Cori

    
    Chris was almost 3 was Jason was born, and what I remember of it, Chris
    had the same type of behavior.  BUT, when we finally did get him to
    talk it out, the cause was quite a bit different.  What was *REALLY*
    upsetting him, was that he didn't like himself.  This kid's always been
    a bit complex, so stick with me here ...
    
    seems that with all the "OH! You have a new baby brother!  Isn't that
    neat?!?!  You'll have to help take care of him!" etc, he'd taken on
    quite a lot of pressure that was completely unintended.  He felt that
    he was partly responsible for the baby.  So he got frustrated whenever
    Jason cried and he couldn't make him feel better.  He felt like he
    should love him SO much (that's what everyone keeps saying, right?), so
    when he felt aggravated about the baby and lack of time etc, he then
    felt bad about HIMSELF because he thought he should like him more.  He
    was disillusioned because he didn't see anything great about being the
    "big brother", and it seemed to him that he must be doing something
    wrong to not feel great about it.
    
    All this stuff and more .... basically he hated himself for the "bad"
    feelings that he had about the baby.  It took a while to get all this
    out of him, but when then we were able to talk to him and explain that
    sometimes even moms and dads don't like all the time that the baby
    takes, or that sometimes when the baby cries a lot it bugs us too etc.,
    and he was able to see his feelings were natural, it went a LONG way to
    helping him adjust.
    
    Aren't kids fun!??
    

    Cori - thanks for the suggestions.  The "Mommy timeout" is something
    I should use more often.  Sometimes I overreact to him overreacting!
    Matthew and I do have special time together without Logan, but I'm
    thinking maybe I need to do it on a regular, scheduled basis.  Maybe
    if Matthew knows he can count on a certain time alone with Mom (or 
    Dad!) then he'll be more inclined to entertain himself until that
    time comes.  I'm glad to hear that it probably is just a stage and
    things will get better (and it;s nice to know I'm not alone!!!)
    Lila
     

we get a little of this, but not too much.  I sort of
interviewed my older sister before my second child was
born to see what she remembered of *me* being born.

The only thing she could remember was not having our
Mother's attention when she wanted it.  To remember
that after 40 years is significant, in my opinion.

So, we've tried very hard to let Elise know that maybe she
can't have Mommy's attention this very minute, but she
can have Mommy all to herself as soon as I finish xxx.
(Elise is 3).

Also, she goes to bed a half hour after Sarah, no matter
what, so she gets Mommy and/or Daddy all to herself for
that time.  I think it helps.

Pat

    I'm not sure if my note belongs here or not.  I also have posted a
    similar note a few days back in Note #60 (Terrible Two's/Threes). 
    Connor will be 3 next month.  His brother will be 1 next month.  I
    am not sure if Connor is suffering from some sibling jealousy, if it's
    "just an age thing", if it has to do with starting preschool or if its
    a combination of things.  All I know is is that I'm open to some
    suggestions on how to handle his horrendous behavior at home.
    
    Connor has been in daycare since he was 2 months.  He is still at the
    same daycare but in the last 3 months he transferred into the preschool
    room which meant a new teacher and new set of kids (although he knew
    some of them previously from being there the last few years).  The
    adjustment at first was difficult (lots of tears) but has been better
    the last month.  He also began (and is pretty much "there) on potty
    training - although he does have a mistake now and then.  I have spoken
    with his teacher and she said he is VERY well behaved at school, is
    seldom put on time out and generally serves as her helper and relishes
    in reminding those misbehaving of the "rules".  He's a Jekyll and Hyde
    because at home he's terrible.  Whiney, crying, VERY fresh, hitting,
    etc.
    
    He has typically treated his brother Patrick well - and for the most
    part still does.  However, this past weekend he kicked his brother in
    the head and this morning he bit him.  Last nite we had stopped for a
    visit before going home after daycare and we left abruptly because he
    was misbehaving.  Well he had a full blown tantrum in the car (i.e,
    kicking, slapping ME), climbed out his booster seat, etc.  I finally
    pulled over the car, pretty much screamed at him, buckled him back
    in and went on home.  He finally came around and calmed down but Connor
    refuses to apolgoize for his behavior.  No matter how many times you
    ask him to say "sorry" he just refuses.  I guess I can live with that,
    but its the behavior that is driving me nuts.  
    
    Like I said I can't figure if he's jealous of Patrick or if its a whole
    bunch of things.  I like to think my husband and I try to spend quality
    time with both.  Mornings are disasterous and lately most things lead
    to a mini or full blown temper. Time out use to be very successful, now
    it just sends him off the deep end.  Any suggestions??