Conference moira::parenting

I have one teenager and one pre-teen.  I think I enjoy them even more than when
they were babies.  At least they don't get sick so often!

Last night we had the most wonderful discussion with Dirk (13) at dinner.  He
is trying to come to terms with infinity.  We talked about it from all sides-
the universe, time, mathematics.  He just doesn't like the idea.  We then got
onto a discussion about other systems of mathematics and he has now decided
that he will win a Nobel prize by inventing a new system of mathematics and
the first thing he is going to do is eliminate infinity.

Now you can never have a discussion like that with a toddler!

Markus (11) calls the Big Bang the "Bing Bong" :-) (A little bit of French
pronunciation coming in there :-)

ccb

    I think some people just dont like being parents all that much.
    Also, some people always seem to want to have something
    negative to say....

    Probably the same people who are now saying to you
    "just enjoy them now, before they get to be teenagers" were saying
    10 years ago "just enjoy them now, before they get to be 2 years old".
    And they probably say 'thank god its Friday' and hate every Monday.

    Take most of what people tell you with a grain of salt...including
    this reply.
    bob

    
    
    	I get those comments all of the time. And I like you wonder if the
    people who tell them really realize what they are saying?
    
    	- my child is not what I wanted, expected him to be
    	- my child is not good
    	- my life is not good
    
    	I think that it has to do with attitude, I have been told to enjoy
    Spencer *before* he starts crawling. Who are you kidding? I think that
    when he starts crawling we'll have so much fun (games of tag and chase
    go through my mind).
    
    	I look forward to when he starts talking, to when he starts
    exerting independence (yes I know it will sting but its a sign of his
    emotional growth). I look forward to taking him skiing and hiking, to
    having him spend the night at a friend's house. I even look forward to
    his mistakes because it will give all of us an opportunity to explore
    our values and work at open communication.
    
    	I don't dread the future stages of our son, I joyfully anticipate
    them.
    
    	But then to be perfectly honest and give some people credit, we
    happen to have a well mannered little boy who (since four months)
    sleeps through the night, does not have a temper and is generally
    (except when he is overtired - but hey me too) a joy to be around.
    
    	I know of mothers who have "difficult" children and they *do* dread
    future stages (oh my God, what am I going to do when he is mobile). So
    perhaps comments like the one you have heard indicate a certain amount
    of frustration on the parent's part and instead of anger or resentement
    deserve compassion to the parent who vents such feelings.
    
    			Wendy
    	
                             

    I too am bugged by the negative attitude of some people.  I keep in
    mind that each stage has wonderful and not-so-wonderful qualities about
    it.  
    
    I'm sure having teenagers around will have it's difficult moments, but
    we'll be able to go to a movie again without thinking about a sitter! 
    And I know my parents were proud of us and happy that we were getting
    to be independent adults.
    
    One thing I'm *sure* I'll be is one of those nostalgic women who when
    they look at little kids and get this far-away look and smile.  So many
    people tell me that their child looked/acted/sounded like mine.  Then
    they are off in memory land...
    
    judy  

    My baby is 3 1/2 months and I get comments like that all the time!
    
    I went through pregnancy hoping it would not end because I would
    have the 'dreaded crying', colic, and who knows what else.
    
    Well, was I in for a surprise...I didn't mind any of it and
    couldn't understand what everyone was talking about.
    
    I really think Wendy hit the nail on the head...some people just
    aren't happy with all the burdens of being a parent.  I never
    really had any expectations and if anything, I expected the worst
    and got the best!  My sister had a terrible time and she is still
    miserable...her son is 3 now.  It really is attitude!
    
    For those of you that enjoy being a parent and do not find it a
    burden, how old are you?  I'm 32 and I am wondering if we enjoy
    it more because we are older and have more patience and also
    have experienced more of life than a 20+ year old.  In other words
    it's the right time to have kids.
    
    I'm not saying all 'young' mothers find parenting tough, I'm just
    wondering if being older makes a difference.
    
    My mother and mother-in-law were 22 when they had their first...my
    mother loved it, my MIL hated it!  She still claims she was too young!
    
    
    Kristen

    I'm 27 and have a 20 month old. I too, hear these comments from people.
    I don't find it tougher or a burden to be a parent at this age. I have
    alot of patience with my daughter, some day's it's harder than others,
    but I get through it.  If someone asks me how my little one is and says,
    to enjoy her now and don't rush the present, I tell them, hey, there
    are days when she can be completely out of control and not mind me at
    all, but regardless of her age now, at every stage in a childs life it 
    doesn't neccesarily get worse. I find parenting a honored challenge. 
    And no matter what people say to you, you deal with being a parent as
    best you can, that's all you can do. I do not think age makes a
    difference, there are younger parents than myself I know, that handle
    it better than I do sometimes. :)
    
    Sandy
    

    Just tell these people that you have the luxury of having learned from
    the experience of those, such as the ones making the comment, about how
    to and not to raise a child properly and that you're taking the proper
    precautions to ensure your child is raised with the morals and values
    that will prevent problems later in life. That'll get 'em! ;-)
    
    Mike

    I am 26 and have a 13 month old and she has been the greatest baby!
    She has had her time of being sick with ear infections and all, but
    I am the happiest when I am around her!  I am looking forward to her
    going to school and staying at friends house!  My sister is 31 and she
    has a 9 and 4 year old.  The 9 year old is great, but her
    4 year old is a little monster.  He is very active and never listens to
    his mother.  She says that to me alot, "WAIT TILL SHE GETS OLDER"! 
    I just shrug and say if it happens, I will have to deal with it. And I
    won't mind!  I think the 4 year old is very spoiled and expects alot
    from his mother.  She runs a daycare at her home, so I think he lacks 
    attention from her.  I plan on giving my child what is the best for
    her.  I will teach her right from wrong and bring her up the best way
    possible!!!
    
    My .02!!
    
    Kim
    
    

    A bit of a side-track re .1:
    
    There's actually a school of mathemeticians that don't believe
    in infinities (and you thought math was about certain knowledge!).
    Tell Dirk he's in good company.  There's also a field called
    "non-standard analysis" which has odder things than infinities,
    so he can go the other way as well.
    
    I'd recommend starting with _The_Mathematical_Experience_, which
    mentions the group above in passing and has a lot of good stuff
    in it about doing math without being too difficult for a layman.
    I could recommend one or two other books about math, if you like.
    
    By the way: I believe there's no Nobel for math, so it'd have to
    be a different prize.
    
    		-John Bishop

I too see this pretty often.  One reply I have used (only when it's true!) is:

"Oh really?  I certainly don't understand what you are talking about!  _____
is such a ________ (beautiful, well-mannered, great personality, model,
intelligent, outgoing, you fill in the appropriate blank) child that I would
feel lucky if Kati/Kimmi grew up like her/him."

(In front of their child, if possible and appropriate)  Then if their child
is not around "What makes you feel that way?"

How sad.  Someone point it out if I ever do that!
Kristen

    My wife, Wendy, and I are both 33, and have a 6.5 yr. old, a 4.75 yr.
    old, a 3 yr. old and an 11 month old. Every single stage is delightful,
    and challenging, too. No single stage is completely smooth, and every
    stage has special joy. A very wise mom told my wife, that they don't
    get more difficult to handle as they grow up, but the problems do
    change! So, just when you've go tone figured out, a different one crops
    up! I believe that the key is in handling all problems calmly,
    disciplining consistnetly (kids *need* to have rules and limits!), and
    loving totally unconditionally! When we stop viewing children as
    interruptions to our lives (it does not sound at all as if anyone who
    has replied her so far feels this way), we can take each phase of life
    with the joy it brings. Personally, I am delighted with our nearly 7
    yr. old son! He is a joy to be around (okay, *most* of the time!), and
    gets smarter and brighter, and more of a "person" every day.
    
    I've told people who comment negatively, "I'm so sorry that you feel
    that way.", and even, if they continue to carry one, "Why in the world
    did you ever have children???". That's they way it looks and feels to
    me!
    
    --dave--

    
    Along the lines of note .10:
    
    	Whenever I see someone walking their dog, I ALWAYS (And I mean
    always- no matter how mangey the dog may look) comment on what a
    nice/beautiful/study/cute dog it is. (I'm not talking about being
    insincere here, there is *something* beautiful in every animal).
    
    	I have yet to do this and not have the owner smile, reach down and
    pet the dog in response. As I walk away, the owner is usually a bit
    more attentive to the dog.
    
    	My little way of ensuring that the animals get noticed and praise.
    
    	I hadn't thought of applying this little bit of magic to other's
    children but I think that I'll be giving it a try.
    
    
    				Wendy

    I mentioned once that I have a 12 yr old and a 14 yr old. And oh by the
    way, I am expecting my 3rd child July 30th. The next time someone says
    to me, " OH MY GOD! YOUR STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN?" I am going to choke
    them. I enjoy my children, I love children! I have told people that if
    I could I would stay home, bake cookies and clean my house. I enjoy all
    aspects of motherhood. This is me and no one else. Most of the time I 
    let things fly and just laugh it off, but BOY it can grate on your
    nerves at times. Sometimes people just don't think.
    My advise, try to let it slide...
    
    
    Sherry

    I don't think that age plays a big part, I feel that maturity makes
    the difference.  I was 22 when we had Alicia (4) and 26 when we had
    Jessica (6mos).  We planned both children and have realistic
    expectations of child rearing (i.e., no social life, less money, less
    time).   
    
    My brother and Sister-in-law on the other hand have two children aged 19 
    mos and 6 mos.  My SIS is 22.  They planned their children but they
    never really thought about the ramifications of having children.  Both
    children are miserable and so are both parents.  They do not think
    twice about going out and buying a new Mustang (which does not
    comfortably accomodate two children in the back) and thousands of dollars
    worth of stero equipment but their children seem to always be wearing
    something too tight or inappropriate.  It drives me crazy but I keep my
    mouth shut.  I don't think they intentionally neglect the childrens
    needs but they don't have the maturity to know better.
    
    My brother is in the Navy and he frequently goes out to sea for
    months at a time.  Before he returned from his last trip his Sub was
    docked in Georgia for two days.  My SIS picked up and drove to see him.
    She left the children with her mother.  While leaving her mother told
    her not to get pregnant again and her reply was: Its ok I took A birth 
    control pill.  I am waiting for her to call soon with news of number 3.
    
    I was not this stupid and irresponsbile at that age.
    
    Angie 
    
    Angie  

    I was 25 when I had Chris, 20 months, and I am now expecting my second
    in 3 weeks!! (Hopefully sooner!) I love spending time with Chris, and
    wouldn't trade it for the world. I agree, I think it is attitude, and
    maturity, not age. We planned both, and knew what to expect when Chris
    came around, less time, no social life, but we wanted him and it makes
    it worth it. I don't feel we've given up anything to have him, and
    would do everything the same way all over again. 
    
    There are always days when he is crankier than usual, but we have those
    days too. You learn to adjust with them. We always treat Chris like
    an adult, in that we have him help us out with things, so he never 
    feels left out. I think he will do great with the baby too, since he
    will love helping by getting things for the baby or mom.
    
    I love it, and those people who say those comments must not really
    enjoy their kids. You only have them for so long, and then they are
    off on their own, so enjoy every second you can with them.
    
    -Sheila
    

    After reading all these comments, I just have to say something myself.
    My baby daughter was born January 14th, 1992. She is now almost 4
    months old and everyday is exciting!  I can't wait to get home to see
    her and play with her.  I am 34 years old and waited a while to have a 
    baby but the wait was worth it.  When I was pregnant all I heard for 
    9 months was, "You just wait, you will never get any sleep!"  Well,
    the first two months were difficult but now she sleeps through the
    night.  When I returned to work after maternity leave I made sure not
    to say anything negative, even if I only had a few hours sleep the
    night before.  Children are gifts from God and I am so thankful he
    allowed me to have the baby I now have.  There are too many people in
    this world with broken hearts because they are unable to have children.
    I am sure they would not mind trading places with the parents who only
    have negative comments about their children.  I did not mean to ramble
    here but I guess this subject is close to my heart.

    There's a reason why people say things like "you'll never sleep"
    or "just wait until they turn X":  it's a way of creating or
    maintaining interpersonal connections.  They aren't just saying
    "Bad things are coming" the way a weather prediction might,
    they're saying "I am a parent too, and it's something we share",
    in a conventionally stylized manner.  They're also enjoying the
    status of relative expertise.
    
    Think of the way that people talk about other shared experiences:
    they play up the hardship of walking to school in the snow, or
    eating "airplane" food, or suffering bureacratic nonsense in the
    military.  Each one tops the previous one's story.  They know it
    wasn't all bad--it probably wasn't even mostly bad--but that's
    how the game is played.  The older ones get to have a little more
    status--but everyone gets to be an older one, eventually!
    
    Parenthood _is_ a lot of work, and it _is_ a major event in one's
    life; we want to mark both how important and how significant it
    is, as well as create social connections.  In our culture, a
    semi-joking reference is more acceptable than a serious and deeply-felt
    statement in a conversation with a stranger.
    
    		-John Bishop

    RE: -1
    
    Yeah, what John said.

    re: .17   - You're right - I hadn't thought of it that way!
    
    Thanks to everyone who has replied to this note - I feel much better
    now!    I agree with those who have said that how much you enjoy being
    a parent depends alot upon your attitude.  Lila
    

    Well, I'm 39 (VERY soon to be 40) and we have a 20 year old
    daughter, who alternately delights us,  and drives us nuts.
    Acts grown up, then acts like a child.  But, that's her job
    right now - to find her niche.
    
    Each stage is different; one is not necessarily better or worse,
    just different, depending on circumstances, attitudes, etc.
    
    A good response, when told "Just wait until...." might be;
    "oh, yes, so I've heard.  I'm really looking forward to
    the new edperience."  or something along those lines.  That'll
    confuse some people......
    
    Val

    I think you folks are taking this a bit too seriously.  I am 32 and
    have three children, 1, 3 and 5.  There are goods and bads to the
    different ages and all the children are different.  I've made comments
    like the one in the basenote, but mostly it was made out of jest.  I
    love my children and while there have been rough times, I wouldn't
    trade fatherhood for all the gold in the world or anything else for
    that matter, well maybe a real nice fishing boat....;').  But
    seriously, I think it is probably out of jest.  
    
    Mike

    Well, since the topic of this note is "Comments that Bug Me," I'm going
    to mention another (related) type of comment instead of starting a new
    base note for it.
    
    One of our neighbors (lives 2 blocks over, so she's not really a close
    neighbor) has been trying very hard to become friendly with my wife. 
    She's very nice, and has a son the same age as ours.  The little boy is
    just as cute and nice as he can be, and we have no objections to the
    two playing together.  She also has a daughter 9 months old, and is
    expecting her third in four months.  The daughter was planned, but only
    because her husband insisted that they have a second child.  The
    current pregnancy was completely unplanned.
    
    And there's where the problem lies.  This woman talks incessantly about
    how she didn't want her daughter, and how terribly upset she is about
    being pregnant again.  She loves the little boy to death, is apparently
    very close to him, and resents the fact that another child came into
    their family to take time away from the two of them.  And now that
    she's pregnant a third time (found out she was pregnant exactly one
    week after her husband had a vasectomy), she rants about how she never
    wanted but one child, and now she's going to be stuck with three, etc.
    
    Now consider the fact that our son is adopted, that we cannot have
    children, and that we would give anything in the world to have a
    second child but can't (we're too old to adopt again).  My wife is very
    uncomfortable being around this woman.  She gets so mad, hearing all
    the talk about how she didn't want her daughter and doesn't want this
    third child either.  What if the daughter grows up a little and
    overhears someone talking about how her mother didn't want her -- it
    wouldn't be hard for that to happen, given that her mother has told
    *everybody* she meets how she feels!  Can you imagine what that would
    do to that little girl's self-esteem?
    
    If this woman feels that way, it's her business.  But Pat and I are
    both amazed that she talks so freely about it to everyone she meets. 
    Pat has bitten her tongue and kept her mouth shut so far, but she's on
    the verge of expressing her opinion the next time it starts.
    
    Steve

    This is a great topic. This has bugged me from the first. JUST WAIT
    TILL YOUR CHILD IS 2! JUST WAIT TILL YOUR LITTLE GIRL STARTS DATING!
    
    Then a woman here in the office has been telling me how DREADFUL
    it is when your child becomes a teenager -- it just ruins your life, 
    she said. She told me I made a mistake having kids. I was so
    depressed after an hour of her chatter (it was over lunch), I
    couldn't believe it. Glad to know others have suffered these
    indignities.
    
    Now let me add another thing that bugs me: people with dogs who 
    don't put them on leashes. Then the dogs runs straight for your
    child when you are out walking. The child cringes and cries, you
    try to protect her, then the person with the dogs yells out:
    "It's OK. She's really friendly!" when her/his dog is running straight
    into your little tot. How am I supposed to know that? I'm sure
    friendly and unfriendly dogs look the same running toward
    your child.
    
    And over here in Britain, dogs can come into pubs, but not
    children! Which does society value more then??
    
    Elizabeth

re: .23

Forgive me if I come across as sarcastic, but
    
>    And over here in Britain, dogs can come into pubs, but not
>    children! Which does society value more then??
    
I would say that society places a higher value on whatever it prohibits from  
coming into pubs.  While I understand that British "pubs" do not necessarily 
equal U.S. "bars," I don't think they are they are the type of establishments 
that feature exemplary adult behavior.

re: .22

It seems to me that there is a tactful way to tell such a person that such 
talk is upsetting, and why, if necessary.  Whether it's wise to point out the 
highly negative effect such comments would have on both the planned and 
unplanned children is debatable, but without question, it's OK to say that 
those kind of comments bother YOU.  And if they persist, then it's OK to say 
I'd rather not hear comments like that, and if they still persist, then it's 
OK to avoid them.  As the saying goes, "never ascribe to malice that which can 
be ascribed to ignorance."  If the woman wishes to be friends with your wife, 
she ought to understand that her comments will make that impossible.

Clay

    	I also agree that Britain by excluding children from the influence
    of alcohol and alcohol related behavior is demonstrating higher regard
    for the children than for the dog.

    	But your point is well taken, sometimes it appears that the animals
    are better protected by the law. I *must* by law, bring my dog to the
    vets on a yearly basis to get his vaccinations and shots (the dog must
    display the tags and I must file a document proving that he is up to
    date).

    	As far as I'm aware, there is no law mandating that children see a
    Doctor once a year or be up to date on their shots.

    		It's a mad, mad, world.
    	
    				Wendy

    RE.22 (self asteem)  I can tell you exactly what would/may happen to
    that little girls self esteem...it would go right out the window.  I
    was an adult before I had any self esteem.  I was the eldest of 6
    children and was "supposed to be a boy".  My mother told me quite often
    when I was growing up that she "wouldn't even look at me until three
    days after" I was born because she wanted a boy.  Stories like yours
    drive me crazy too.  I lost a beautiful little girl to Cystic Fibrosis
    at almost age 7 and it angers me to no end to see or hear of people who
    don't appreciate the gift they've been given.  I'd take their unwanted
    children in a flash.
    Also, I've also in jest made comments about "wait 'till their teens". 
    I think the majority of the people who say that really miss having
    young children.  My son is 19 and can take care of himself (and
    constantly reminds me of that fact!).  I wouldn't mind a bit him being
    three again.
    
    Marie                                         

    I'm with .17.
    
    About the neighbor speaking so negatively about her current pregnancy
    and her daughter....I have a neighbor that really loves her children
    but she talks about them very poorly, in front of them.  She'll go on
    and on about how bad they are, or that they're sorry little ..its.  I'm
    not sure if she's joking or what, but I'm sure that whatever she says
    about them or to them, they're sure to prove her right, in spite of it.
    
    On one ocassion, this neighbor was really having a bad day, apparently. 
    She was in my house and going on and on about her terrible sons and how
    she never had time to herself because of them.  Anyway, I understood
    where she was coming from, but I don't think she understands that her
    comments really effect her boys.
    
    In a kind of matter-of-factly way, I told her that I had read somewhere
    that if you say really nice things about your kids, especially to them,
    then the kids would more often act that way.  And that, if you keep
    repeating to them how bad they are, then that's what you'll get.
    
    I told her, that I try it sometimes and sometimes it works.
    
    She's still my friend.
    
    cindy

Steve, I don't suppose they'd let you adopt kid #3??

Just a thought.  

      Carol

    RE: Steve..."too old to adopt again". Not necessarily if you will
    consider international adoption. How old is too old (how old are
    you?!?).
    
    Cyn

> Steve, I don't suppose they'd let you adopt kid #3??

> Just a thought.  
    
    With the birthmother living 2 blocks away, and being in the same
    babysitting coop as my wife, I don't think it would work.
    
    But...
    
    Once we ran into Susan and her son while taking a walk in the evening,
    and she started talking about not wanting her other two children.  Pat
    commented that Michael is adopted, and that she'd change places with
    Susan in a minute (meaning her pregnancy).    She said "You mean you'd
    give Michael up?" to which Pat replied no, that she only meant she'd
    like to have a second child.  Susan pointed to her belly and said
    "Well?"  Pat and I didn't pursue it at all, and just changed the
    subject.  I really think she'd have considered it.  Her husband,
    however, would be another matter.  He loves both the children and, I'm
    sure, will love the third just as much.
    
>    RE: Steve..."too old to adopt again". Not necessarily if you will
>    consider international adoption. How old is too old (how old are
     you?!?).
    
    Pat was 43 when we adopted Michael, and she's 45 now.  I'm a few years
    younger than she.  If we could get an immediate baby, it would be
    (barely) feasible, but we simply can't wait several years for the
    wheels of bureaucracy to turn.  As for private adoption, we (a) aren't
    comfortable with the idea of open adoption, and (b) don't expect too
    many birthmothers would opt to give their baby to a couple our age.
    
    But thanks for the thought...
    
    Steve
    

    Re the base note
    
    We too are turned off by the "Just wait'll they reach the ____ stage!"
    comments.  We have started using another approach entirely.  We just
    tell people it gets better and better and better.  Michael is in the
    throes of the "terrible twos" right now, and it's still getting better. 
    The more he learns, the more fun he is to be with, and the more we
    enjoy him.
    
    And we mean every word of it.
    
    Steve

>Forgive me if I come across as sarcastic, but
    
    You did, but I do forgive you.
    
    
>I would say that society places a higher value on whatever it prohibits from  
>coming into pubs.
    
    Like when women couldn't go into pubs? Was that because it placed
    a higher value on us??   
    
    
    >While I understand that British "pubs" do not necessarily 
>equal U.S. "bars," I don't think they are they are the type of establishments 
>that feature exemplary adult behavior.
    
    I think you misunderstand here. I'm not saying that I want to bring
    my child to a pub at 11.30 on a Saturday night. But going to a
    pub on a Sunday or Saturday afternoon for lunch -- yes, I would
    like that opportunity. But in many places, my child could not accompany
    me for lunch, but my dog could. Go figure. And I have never
    seen adult behavior at lunch in a pub not to be "exemplary."
                                                 

I hate it when people call my twins "double trouble", and my husband and/or I
usually respond with "no, it's double the fun."  And no, they are not a lot
of work, and no, they do not exhaust me, and no, I do not find it impossible
to take them out alone (that one particularly gets me because it's usually
said _while_ I'm out with them alone, and obviously doing fine).

   re:  just wait until...
   
   I usually tell people that its a self fulfilling prophecy - that
   they will usually get what they expect, and that I'm having a lot
   of fun with my 3 kids (all under 3.5 yrs old).  Most people usually
   don't have much to say about that... :-)
   
   - Tom
   

    The statement, just wait until, really gets up my nose.
    
    When I was pregnant - just wait until he is born, you will
    have sleepless nights and no time to yourselves.    Daniel
    has being sleeping the nights since he was a few weeks old.
    
    After Daniel's birth - just wait until he is teething, you will
    really suffer.   Again he has being teething for two months
    and is no extra trouble, he is still sleeping the nights.
    
    Now it is just wait until he is crawling, walking, going to school,
    etc.  
    
    
    
    Bernie

My sister and I are very close but.......................

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7.  We're
both 30 years old.  We wanted to do some traveling and buy a home before
we started our family.  My sister on the other hand wanted to get pregnant
immediately after she got married at 23 years old.  She's now 32 years old
and has 3 boys, 4, 6 and 8 years old.  They're great kids.  She used to 
always tell me "You don't know what you're missing!  Kids are the greatest
thing in life etc etc etc".  Now that I'm pregnant, her whole tone has 
changed.  EVERY time I see her or talk to her its...."Your making a 
BIIIIIIGGGGGG mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hate these kids!   They're brats!!
You don't know what you're getting into!!!!" and on and on and on.  

I try to let her comments go in one ear and out the other.

Pam

    Wow...your note sure pushed one of my buttons.
    
    I give your wife credit for not having said anything so far, I would
    not have had such control.  How dare that neighbor say things that will
    surly jeopardise the emotional well being of her daughter...she seems
    to forget that her daughter did not ask to be born (trite but true)!  I
    can't help but think that damage is being done already, you mention
    that she outwardly favors the son.
    
    My first instinct was to tell that neighbor in no uncertain terms just
    what I thought of her and her actions, but then letting cooler heads
    prevail, I think that I would try to be honest but suttle so that I
    could have opportunities to make the little girl feel special, she's
    going to need it!
    
    Thanks for allowing me to vent...I feel better!
    
    Cynthia

    I was in the elevator earlier going to lunch.  A fellow co-worker was
    with me, telling me all the horrible things her son has done and how
    she would just like to pound him she is so mad at him.  ( I think she
    had to meet with his principal this morning).  She turns to me and
    says, "And you want another one, you are totally nuts!"   I have also
    heard while talking about wanting another child, "Wouldn't you just 
    hate it if you had another boy."
    
    I don't think people think before they say things.
    
    Kathy

    
    Yes, people's comments do bug me sometimes but being
    the wise guy that I am - I make sure they know it
    in a subtle way.    Well sort of...
    
    One of my friends has a son that is totally out of control,
    especially when she is talking on the phone.  She was going
    on and on about how when a child is 3 they are terrible
    and misbehave all the time.  Every once in a while she
    yells "Billy don't do that honey".  Then she continues on
    to tell me to enjoy Ryan while I still can.   My response
    "Yes, I have heard that the parents have alot to do with
    that".   She just keeps babbling on - it went right over
    her head.   Just because she is miserable, she wants me
    to be also.
    
    Someone at the supermarket smiled at my son and said, what
    a happy little baby and how he smiles all the time.  Then
    they said wait until they are older - you will want to kill
    them.  I respond - "Oh really, what did you do to them?"
    
    If anything it shuts people up and makes them realize what
    they are saying. 
    
    Jeanne
    
    

     A couple comments that bugged me came shortly after our second
    daughter was born: 1.  Are you going to have a third to try for a boy
    (as if a girl were not as good as a boy?) and 2. Is your husband
    disappointed that HE doesn't have a son (as if he needs a SON to make
    him feel macho or something?)
    
    My response - No (with a look of incredulity on my face) we are NOT
    having a third child just to have a boy (we only PLANNED on two
    children and there are NO guarantees the third would be a boy anyway).
    And NO my husband has no macho/ego problems because HE does not have a
    son.  Our daughters shoot baskets, play soccer and baseball, enjoy
    golf, know who Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson are as well as any of
    the little boys in our neighborhood.  Having two girls is great - they
    enjoy many of the same things, and I can hand all those clothes down!
    
    And my husband always said he wanted to be surrounded by beautiful
    women!
    
    Kathleen
    

    Try these...
    
    Just wait till he can sit alone -- you'll be so proud of him, but at
    the same time you'll feel like he's growing up way too fast.
    
    Just wait till she starts crawling.  Watching her explore her world is
    one of the most fascinating things you'll ever experience.
    
    Just wait till he takes that first step.  It's his initial move toward
    independence, and everything will change after that.  He will be able
    to do so much more, and will be so much more fun!
    
    Just wait till she starts talking.  After having to guess at her needs
    and wants for so long, you'll find it absolutely wonderful to actually
    be able to communicate verbally with her!  And you'll find yourself
    anticipating the time when the two of you can carry on a real
    conversation.
    
    Just wait till he starts interacting with children his own age.  You'll
    be able to watch him actually learn social skills by practicing them. 
    It'll make you realize how fast he's growing up, and that you need to
    enjoy every single day.
    
    See, "just waits" don"t have to be negative at all!
    
    Steve

John Bishop hit it exactly in .17.

Most of the comments people say, like "these kids are brats" - they don't
really mean that.  They *really* mean that on some days they would sell their
kids to the first bidder (not even the highest bidder).  But that is not an
acceptible thing to say, and not that many people are able to express their
feelings exactly how they want to.  They're just doing the best they can to
convey how they feel - that some days kids are great and then there are the 
other days.

Instead of a subtle put-down, try coming back with a comment that helps them 
express it - like, "having a hard time with your teenager?"  John's comment was
that they are trying to make the connection.  You can decide not to connect, but 
you don't have to shut them down. You can close the subject by saying "well, I 
hope I'll measure up to the challenge."  (Note that while I advocate this, I
don't always succeed in reality.  I can get pretty abrupt.).


I think the people who ask if the father is unhappy with a girl,
etc, fall into the obnoxious category.  I like Miss Manners' philosophy on
dealing with stuff like that - they don't deserve an answer, just the 
incredulous and stunned look, followed by the apology for your rude reaction:  
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I just can't believe someone would think that of my husband!"

    
    I went thru the same thing with pregnancy - there was a hot notefile
    on that one in V3. 
    
    The same advice applies - put some blinders on and try to take
    everything with a grain of salt. Sometimes easier said than done.
    

    A couple of comments that bug me are:
    
    So, when are you going to have another one?  My response - When you
    give birth to it.
    
    Too bad you have a boy, girl's clothes are so much cuter.  My 
    response - Then you must not shop where I do.
    
    Lori B.

    I have a boy and a girl.  People often say "How nice to have one
    of each!"  Sometimes I take my own advice and let it act as a
    conversational opener--other times I reply "Well, what if they
    _both_ decide to vote Republican?"
    
    		-John Bishop

    I have two girls and often hear, "When are you going to try for a boy?"
    
    After Paige was born, an insurance salesperson called after getting my
    name from the newspaper or wherever.  She asked the gender of the baby
    and other children and I said we had had a second girl.  She said "Oh,
    that's too bad."  My response was "I'm sorry you're disappointed.  We
    weren't."  And then I hung up.

    Re: 89.44    >   So, when are you going to have another one?
    
    My husband and I have been married for 5 years and for 5 years all we
    heard was, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START A FAMILY".  Talk about driving
    a person CRAZY!  Now we have a "beautiful 3 mos girl and it's, "so....
    when are we going to have #2". 
    
    Give me a break!!
     

    Okay, here's my current favorite:  We are expecting our second child in
    July.  I cannot tell you how many people have said to me:  "Two is more
    than twice the work of one!"  ... and then proceed to discuss just how
    many exponents of one (if I have the right mathematical terminology
    here  :)  ) two kids really are!  It's not as if I am not already
    getting very worried about how I am going to deal w/an infant AND a two
    year old...in fact, I get downright scared about it sometimes!  It's
    like the folks who would tell you how bad, long, painful, etc, their
    labor was when you were pregnant with your first!  I guess I really do
    believe that it will be more than twice the work in many ways; after
    sleepless nights with an infant, you still have to deal w/your two year
    old during the day, etc.  But I am also looking forward to more than
    twice the FUN  ... eventually, anyway..  :)  But NO ONE has mentioned
    the fun part to me yet!  It's kind of become a running joke between
    Mark and I because EVERYONE mentions it to us!

    Re 22 (self esteem).  That is so awful... my experience:  I have an
    older brother 9 years older, a sister 7 years older...then me...then a
    sister 5 years younger.  My whole life, my parents told me I was a
    "mistake" and so was my younger sister.  For a long time, I thought
    this meant I was something special, until for some reason, it finally
    dawned on me what they meant.  For a long, long time I felt very
    unwanted and felt I had to prove myself worthy of being around, etc. 
    Striving for good grades, being the 'perfect' daughter, etc.  I know
    this has also affected my younger sister as well...  I don't think my
    parents meant this maliciously, but the effect was the same...

The one that gets me is when my wife is out for the evening, or out
of town, people say, "Oh, so you're babysitting?!?"

No one ever asks my wife is she's "babysitting" when I'm out.

I have known other Dads who experienced the same thing.

Frank

    re: 49
    
    Geesh if I had a nickle for every person who asked me if I had planned
    my children.  I had planned my babies, but had I not I would never call
    them a mistake.  I can't believe please ask such stupid questions.
    
    My favorite rude comment while I was pregnant with #2 was.
    
    Congratulations on your pregnancy,  I did'nt know you were trying to
    have another. I really wanted to reply.  Oh, I'm sorry I failed to
    inform you on my sexual calendar.
    
    Angie
    
    Angie.

The comments on "mistakes" and "accidents" remind me of an old Broomhilda
cartoon.  A rather elitist couple (I think they were buzzards) were introducing
their children: "This is our firstborn, Primo, and this is Ultimo."  Character
asks, "What's the baby's name?"  Couple replies, "Oops."

   re: Dad's babysitting...
   
   Agreed!  I usually say to people - "Babysitting, why, no, my kids
   are the only ones here tonight..."   Usually people don't say much
   besides "Oh" to that one.
   

   re: 2 kids = twice as much work...
   
   Hogwash!  we've got 3 girls under 3.5 yrs old, and if that were
   true, then I'd never be able to hold down a job 'cause my wife
   would need so much help with the kids...   btw - 2 kids was indeed
   different from 1, but definately NOT twice as much work.  And yes,
   it is probably more than twice as much fun now that the older 2 are
   playmates.  Ought to be great when #3 gets old enough to keep up
   with her sisters.


   re: People thinking...
   
   2 rules of dealing with people:
   
   o Common sense isn't.
   
   o If you're worried about what people think, stop worrying, usually
     they aren't.
   
   Its a bit cynical, I realize, but unfortunately its too often
   true.. :-)
   
   - Tom

    When I was expecting, MANY people said to me, "Sleep now while you can,
    because you'll never get enough sleep once you have children."
    
    This comment bugged me because I felt helpless to take their 
    advice.  It wasn't as if I could sleep extra hours in advance
    and put them into a savings account to draw from after the baby was 
    born!  
    
    As it turned out, though, those doom-sayers were wrong.  In the
    past year, I've been getting more sleep than ever.  My son is 18
    months old and regularly sleeps 13 hours per night.  I guess I got
    lucky in the sleep department.                  

My husband was obviously "unplanned".  He was the 5th child.  His nearest
sibling was 12 years older than he was.  His mother always called him her
"Goldst�ck" or golden coin.  Coming last and so late, he was obviously 
something very special in all of their lives.

(He was also spoiled rotten :-)

ccb

    
    I remember the same comment bugging me "get your sleep while you can,
    you'll never sleep again"...  Because at the time I was out on
    maternity leave and was enjoying sleeping till 8-9am...  I would say
    "Hey, I know, thats what I'm doing"....   But just hearing it used to
    bug me.  Like you said, its not like you can save the hours up or
    something....  I used to enjoy sleeping late, so I took advantage of it
    at the time. I didn't need to be made to feel guilty about it.
    
    Chris 
    (who does admit she would like to sleep till 10am again someday....)
    (but the trade is worth it, motherhood is the best!)
      

    Anyone watch Murphy Brown last night?  She had a baby shower and all of
    the guests were telling her "what she had to look forward to".  By the
    end of the shower she was scared to death and changed her mind about
    having a baby.  It was pretty funny but reminded me of this note.
    
    Marie

Frankly, these days, there's almost nothing you can say to me about
pregnancy that *won't* bug me!  I recall reading notes like this in
the previous conference in the earlier days of my pregnancy and thinking --
oh, these people are just overly-sensitive.  They need to lighten up.

Now it's me :-)

About the only safe thing is to say I look great (as sincerely as you can
force yourself to).  I don't wanna hear "you're not due UNTIL JULY???!!!!".
Or how hot I'm going to feel during the summer.  Or how big I am.  Or how
you planned your pregnancy for a more comfortable time of the year.  Or...

	There are some things that people will always say about;

	a) pregnant women

		i.e. all of the aforementioned comments

	b)  unmarried couples

		"So when are you two gonna tie the knot?".  "When are you going
		to make her an honest woman?".  "When are you going to make it
		legal?"

	c)  to a recently engaged man

		"Well it's all over now".

	d)  married or "committed" couples

		"So, when are you going to have a baby?".  "I guess the only
		thing left to do now is to start a family, eh?".  


	Believe me, except for the Pregnant Women part (which I hope
	to experience soon) I've heard them all!  We probably all have.  

	These comments DO get old, and after reading this note I will
	definitely be careful that I don't use some old cliche' or standard
	...there are just some things that only need to be said/heard once!

	
	Lisa

    Being the mother of a premie, I have heard *many* comments that bug me,
    here is just one:
    
    	"Well, you did miss the 3 worst months of pregnancy." Like I am
    supposed to be grateful for that?? I'm sure anyone who has a difficult
    time in the last 3 months would not trade it for spending 12 hours a
    day in a NICU instead.
    
    	

ok, my turn to complain.  Now that it's obvious I'm expecting another child,
people ask me whether I'm trying for a boy this time.  That doesn't bother me
all that much, but when I say I don't care, I'll take whatever I get, they
invariably reply:  As long as it's healthy.

Now, I know that this is not really a rejection a "non-healthy" baby, more
like magic words to ward off the possibility of problems, but this gets me.

I mean, babies with health problems or disabilities need to be wanted too. What
do they think I'll do?  Tell the hospital, never mind, you can keep him, I'll
try again later?  *Of course*, I hope the baby will be all right, but it's my
baby no matter what.

I know I'm going to hear this a lot.  I'll try to take my own advice and let
it go right over me.


Pat

    
    People used to ask us when I was pregnant if we were "trying"
    for a boy or a girl?
    
    My response usually was "well, I think it's a little to late
    to be trying, but we will be happy with either".  
    
    My son has a little strawberry mark on his head.  People look
    at him and ask if he hit his head.  I respond that it's a 
    strawberry mark.  One person after asking about his spot, responded 
    that she recently has seen so many babies with deformities.     
    
    ERRRRRR!
    
    
    Jeanne
    

    What drove me nuts when I was pregnant was when people asked "Do you
    want a boy or a girl?"
    
    I always thought (did not always respond), "What difference does it
    make what I WANT?  The baby's sex was set as conception.  I don't get
    any choice in the matter, and my preferences matter not a whit.  I'll
    be happy either way."
    
    And sometimes they just HAD to persist until I told them a preference
    for a boy or girl.  Nutty.
    
    Some people really left themselves wide open by asking, "What is it?"
    
    I responded, "A human baby.  Definitely not a puppy or a kitten."

    How about when a female, never had kids in her life, responds - wait
    till labor, its so painful and describes all the horrible labor pains,
    and how miserable you'll be during labor is,  What I'd like to know is,
    how does this person know what it feels like... I have a hard time
    listening to them....  

    We went to the grocery store last weekend, and at the checkout counter
    we got an earful.  This particular grocery store is the one we've
    shopped at for the entire five years we've lived here, and they know us
    (and Michael) well.
    
    Michael was being his usual self, running around letting out all that
    energy, but not really bothering anything.  The clerk said "Whatever
    happened to that sweet little baby who used to sit in the cart and be
    quiet?"  To her credit, my wife bit her tongue and said sweetly, "He's
    grown up into an *equally* sweet 2-year-old little boy who has lots of
    energy."  The clerk then said "Is he your only one?"  I replied yes. 
    She said "Oh, then you didn't know what you were getting into, huh?"  I
    replied, "No, we had no idea how wonderful having a child would be; if
    we'd known we'd have started earlier and had at least four by now!"
    
    Arrrrrrrgh!
    
    Steve

When Dirk was a beautiful blue eyed blond headed baby, people would say, "It's
a boy!?  Why, he's pretty enough to be a girl!"

Now Dirk is into puberty.  His voice has lowered but not yet to it's full depth.
When he answers the phone, he gets really upset when people ask him, "Mme.
Bettels?"

No mistaking his looks for a girl anymore, though :-)

Cheryl

    My son went through that also (voice change).  People would call the
    house and say "Marie?"... "NO, this is Kris".  In no time at all they
    were then calling and asking "who's the man answering your phone?".
    
    Marie

    I'm sure this has been mentioned before, but the standard rude pregnancy
    comments that people say to you while pregnancy do not seem so bad after 
    the baby is born.  The things people used to say to me used to really set 
    me off but now they just seem stupid.
    
    Guess I was really touchy.
                      
    Angie

    I'm recently new to this conference and read through this old
    topic.  Resurrecting with new comments:
    
    1.  Prior to having Angeline I had had a miscarriage.  I knew all
     the old cliches were coming and tried to fend them off as soon
     as possible with, "I don't want to know about your sister's friend's
     cousin losing her first three, or how it nature's way....etc etc.
     I just want my amount of time to grieve over MY loss and then get
     on with my life".  But you know, I still had to hear some from
     people (like Angeline's grandmother) that you couldn't nicely cut
     off.  I know people mean well, but they are the worse things to
     say.
    
    2.  When pregnant with my baby, that I had "waited all my life for"
      and was really excited.  I liked to shop, maybe not always buy
      but shop.  I got put off by a lot of the "oh don't buy that, they
      grow right out of it".  "Oh you don't need to buy one of those,
      I've got plenty, I'll give you mine", "Oh you don't need that, my
      kid never used/wore/played with it."   Now, I really needed help
      with the big things, being a single mom, and got a lot of help.
      But there were some of the cuter little things that I was excited
      about buying and having for my baby.  I'd bought them for years
      for everyone else's kid and now it was my turn.   Advice is good
      advice, but sometimes a wet blanket when you're so excited about
      this new life.  
    
    3. Ages ago someone made a comment in here about the father's time
      with the baby being called "babysitting".  That has always sat
      badly with me too.   Why do people say that as if it is a drag 
      or occasional responsibility for them?  If I was a father, I'd
      be really put off.  But then, when Angeline's father comes to
      stay with her so I can go out, I do find myself thanking him 
      afterwards.  :-)
    				
    						cj *->

    re. last all                                                 
    
    		All your comments sound quite valid to me.  
    
    
    re. last #3
    
                I call it "parenting". :-)
    
    
    
    		Smile.  It makes people wonder what you're up to!
    		
    		Dan

    This note has been inactive a while, so...
    
    My father-in-law is in his late 70's.  Of course he's from the school
    that mothers stay home, etc... Everytime he comes over he always says
    the same thing "the girl that takes care of Aaron must be wonderful,
    he's such a happy baby".  Like Steve and I don't deserve any credit for
    that.  We just tell him that yes, Bonnie does take excellent care of
    him.
    
    sandy
    

    On the rare occasion that Angeline's around her grandmother,
    it seems everything about her has to be attributed to someone.
    "Oh, she sleeps throught the night...that's just like her father",
    "Oh, she has such a sunny disposition in the morning, that must
    be from her mother [ya, right, way off on that one, honey],
    "Oh, her father did that, oh you must have done that...."  etc, etc.
    
    It's like, every aspect of herself has got to be attributed to
    either the father or mother.  I get kind of sick of it, and wind
    up with a snippy "maybe it's just Angeline, her own self".   But then,
    my patience for *that* family is so very thin anyways.  Guess I get that
    from my mother :-}
    
    						cj *->

    How about this one...
    
    A woman that participates in my play group believes in staying home
    with her child.  I work full time.  During a conversation I had with
    her last fall she was telling me how she felt that women who could stay
    home with their children were from a "superior gene pool" because they
    "could attract men who made higher salaries, and therefore the women
    could afford to stay home with their children".  I politely smiled and
    walked away from this conversation, as I didn't want to say something I
    would regret.
    
    My "working" friends in the play group and I have had a lot of good
    laughs over this one. I can't believe the perspective of some people.
    
    To make a long story short, her superior gene pool must not be working
    for her because her husband is working late nights and doesn't seem to
    be coming home much lately.  He has "other interests" that he is
    pursuing.

    .73
    
    WOW!!  We were writing at the same time, so I just caught your
    message.  What planet was that woman from?????   How did you
    EVER manage to keep your tongue???  
    
    						cj *->

    She is a strange woman all around.  I figured better to not initate
    further conversation about it, and consider the source.  It is hard to
    respect opinion from some you don't respect as an indidual.
    
    Now we just laugh it off.  If my friends do something that others
    criticise, we just laugh and say it must be the gene pool you came
    from!
    
    -S

    How about the people who never have anything good to say about the
    stage that your child is at. Let see, when she was a newborn, that was
    to bad because she did nothing (to them), now that she's crawling and
    standing up, it must be a hastle to have to watch her. I just scrunch
    up my face in the classic, "what the heck are you taking about" look. 
    
    
    Gail

    
    One of my best friends has a son 2 years older than Kevin. Her boy
    has always been very big for his age and where Kevin is a little small
    there tends to be quite a difference.
    
    Whenever we get together she always manages to make a comment like,
    he's such a little peanut! It really bugs me, and I still haven't found
    a good response. I don't think she means to be insulting but she says
    something like that every single time! I've tried telling her I don't
    appreciate it but it didn't make any difference.
    
    I know this isn't the right thing to do but I'm ready to say something 
    like, at least my kid isn't a big crybaby like yours. (talk about
    juvenile,huh?)  
    
    Does anyone have any ideas for me before I'm forced to resort to this
    type of behavior?  
    
                          Barbara
    

    My daughter is in the 20th percentile and my son in the 50th, so we get
    those type of comments too.  We actually use the phrase "little peanut"
    but in a very positive, affectionate way.  I'm sure it would irritate
    me if the tone was different.
    
    I'd try to say something like, "Yes, we think he's a perfect size too." 
    "Yup, he's one cuddable boy!" 
    
    I also mention how nice it is that smaller kids stay in clothes sizes
    for a longer time!  Plus, I can predict their size for the next season
    and buy at the end-of-season sales...
    
    Your friend may be sensitive because her son probably gets comments
    about how big he is.  But none the less, she should be sensitive to
    your son too.
    
    judy

    You know, Judy, that's probably true.  I be she does hear all
    the time what a BIG boy her son is!  And until I read .77's note,
    I don't think I would have realized if I was the friend always
    saying it.   I know Angeline is sometimes called little too, but
    for the life of me *I* can't imagine why!   I see her against some
    kids her age and they make her look like an Amazon, and yet others
    dwarf her.
    
    If this is a good friend, can you just tell her it bothers you?  I
    know my best friend and I have been together forever, and we get to
    those snippy comments and make each other cry.   Most of the time
    we do manage to ward it off by saying something before it gets to
    that point.  It's just sometimes, you don't realize how much something
    bugs you until it's an off day, your PMS, or stressed out, and then
    *SNIPPAGE*.  
    
    Maybe you could suggest it's a bad habit for her to get into now,
    because later, when your son understands what she's saying, it could
    hurt him too.
    
    							cj *->

    Barbara,
    
    My son is the opposite of yours and people are constantly saying
    stuff like, "Look how big he is!""He's only 8, I can't believe it!"
    or even "He's HUGE!"  I really bugs me!  Anyway, what I have found
    to be very helpful is to explain to people that he is very sensitive
    about being different from his friends and that he gets very upset
    when he hears people talking about him - whether it be something 
    good like "Boy, I'll be he'll be a great basketball player when he
    grows up" or other not so polite comments.  People usually understand
    and can usually relate to something in their own childhood.  MOst
    are sensitive - others are not.  When they can't respect my wishes
    not to make a big deal about it, I resort to evil glares 8*)
    
    
    Pam
    
    
    
    
    

    
    Me and another girl were the tallest girls in our graduating class.  We
    always would get the comment "wow, your tall, do you play basketball?"
    (whic we did).  So we finally decided to have a comeback the next time
    someone said that to us which was "your short, are you a jockey"  That
    comment usually got people's attention.
    
    Another comment I always use to hear was how big my feet were.  They
    might be big compared to people who are shorter, but I'm 5'10" and they 
    seem normal.  Anyways, my grampa always told me to say to those people
    that commented on my feet is "it takes a bigger foundation to hold up a 
    church then to hold up a sh#t house"  I always thought that was a great
    line.
    
    Of course, none of the above helps toddlers.

    re.81
    
   > Of course none of this helps with above toddlers<
    
    Maybe not, but sure gave me a laugh!  :-)
    
    				cj *->

    Well geez, if people can't say the small kids are small and the big
    kids are big, just what is appropriate? I never thought of those
    comments as insulting. What would be non-offensive (politically
    correct?)?  "gee, you child is so average in appearance" 
    
    Why can't you just agree (if it's true)? "Yep, he sure is". Or if you
    don't agree, "he's a big boy to me".  
    
    Gail

    
    My question is, why make the observation at all?  Honestly,
    I really don't want anyone making comments about the way I
    look: You're fat, you're skinny, you're tall, you're short.
    What's the difference?  I know I'm tall, noone has to tell
    me.  My Sis-in-law knows her daughter is tiny.  Why tell
    her? She already knows.  And when you do say something, what
    do you expect in return?  "Oh, thank you so much for informing
    me, I hadn't noticed."  Also,  although you may simply be
    commenting on someone's features, unless you know them very well,
    you do not know what their insecurities are. 
    
    I spoke with a friend several years ago about this topic.  She
    is an average height and weight but when she was growing up
    people always made comments to her like. "What a big girl you're
    getting to be"  This is a harmless comment unless you understand
    that the child is being insulted at home as being fat and ugly.
    Then the child takes the comment as: "Boy, you're getting really
    big (read fat)"
    
    I was always told that you should make comments to people about
    their accomplishments and other things they can control, such as:
    "You're behaving so well."  "Look how nicely you share"  "Thank
    you for helping me, that was very kind of you" This way it reinforces
    WHO the child is, not WHAT the child is.
    
    YMMV,
    
    Pam

    While I agree that there are times when comments about size can sting,
    there are also times when they are helpful.  My children have always
    been big for their age, and I often found that they were expected to
    act the age that their size made them appear to be.  If you couple that
    with a child who is not up to their expected reading level you get,
    "What do you mean you can't read that, a big boy(girl) like you?"
    
    More and more I find that no matter what I say, no matter how kind or
    well meant I may mean it, if there is a sensitivity there I may be
    hurting the person.  On the other hand, I may be trying to make a point
    to someone who has little sensitivity and no matter how harsh I am it
    goes over their head.
    
    There is no perfect way to say something in every situation.  

    I had occassion to discuss after-school care with an acquaintance.
    I said David was going to be picked up after school on a van from the
    center where he currently goes to preschool and he'll attend
    "after-school special" where they do crafts, sports, etc.  She said she
    gets out of work at 2:30 so she can meet her kids at the school bus,
    because "I would never do that to my kids".  I was at such a loss to
    understand what I'm 'doing' to him?  Isn't it awful that he'll still be
    able to see all his pre-shool buddies (none of whom are going to his
    kindergarten) at a place where he knows all the staff and loves them,
    and gets lots of time to play and learn organized sports? The
    working-Mom guilt trip, once again : (
    Sarah

    I once had a friend who said that she'd never put her daughter into day
    care and "let someone else raise her".  This was in 1984, her daughter
    is 2 days older than my son.  I happily went back to work when he was 5
    months old, part time [bad mom me -- he was such an active child, never
    slept for more than 20 miontues at a time, that it was a relief to get
    to the office and actually be able to get something accomplished! :>)], 
    and eagerly accepted any help the day care providers gave me.  After all, 
    they were all mothers and/or teachers and/or had nursing backgrounds, and 
    I was a first time mother, whose own mother was 2+ hours away and whose 
    youngest child was already 30 years old [and we all know how things have 
    changed in 30 years!]  They never raised my son, they gave advise,
    helped with toilet training once we'd started it ourselves, helped wean
    him from the bottle.  But never did they "raise my child".  And later
    on, neither did they raise my daughter!
    
    BTW, she's since gone ahead and had 2 more kids -- both of whom spent a
    good amount of time in day care.  And neither of whome seem any worse
    for wear.
    
    sandy

    On the big small issue ... my wife who's under 5' and in her mid 40s
    still gets people talk at her as if she has a brain that matches her
    height.  There seems to be an imagined relationship ... short = small
    brain = low intelligence.  Some of  these people who do it seem quite
    surprised to learn she has a degree in history and archaeology!
    
    Generally on comments of size, usually people are not making pointed
    comments, but attempting small talk, albeit maybe not the best.  The
    best responses are just simple agreement ... it ends the topic very
    effectively.  Rarely are people setting out to be rude or insulting.
    So the important thing is to learn to take comments in one ear and out
    the other.
    
    Stuart

    
    It really bothers me when I'm somewhere with both my girls and
    people look at my younger and say how cute she is but don't even
    mention the cutey standing next to her......
    
    

    My comment has always been that I don't raise prize cows, I raise
    children who grow at their own rate.  
    
    Being the mother of three "faerie children" when they are small, I know
    about those comments, and the others with it:  "Was he/she a premmie?",
    "what does you Dr say?"(she has one kid just like mine so as long as my
    kids are developing she doesn't worry), "My mother stopped nursing
    because of this"  (So did mine and I still looked like a fairy even
    with force-feeding)  
    
    Good luck
    
    meg

    
    re. comments
    
    I think some people just want to make small talk, and really
    are not serious about what they say, in the same vein as
    "It is a nice day, isn't it?". Unfortunately, sometimes they 
    use our kids as subject matter instead of the weather. I find
    that most of these folks don't really give a darn about my
    family, they just want to come across as sociable, they say things
    to make themselves look good. 
       
    re. work or stay home
    
    Being able to stay home has bcome a status symbol for some folks
    rather than a personal choice, I think. Just like any status symbols, 
    it is no longer choosen for its merits, but rather what it says about
    the owner.
    
    Eva

    Under the "it bugs me" category...
    
    "You are so huge!  Are you *sure* your only "X" weeks pregnant?"
    
    Breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding arguments from men...hmmmph, what do
    they know about it?!  (no offense, guys, but watching/helping, and
    really doing it are very, very different things!)
    
    Peopleho asare certain that having a baby means you will be 
    leaving your job, and become quite shocked to learn you will not!
    
    People who insinuate that going back to work in 6 or 8 weeks after
    childbirth means you are some kind of horrible, unfeeling mother.  ("I
    don't know how you stood it -- I didn't come back to work for 6 months
    and I still hate it, every day"...etc.)
    
    People who assume that my jolly-green-giant child (7 yrs., 4'3", 78
    lbs.) must be a budding jock.  The size comments themselves don't bug
    me, Joe has always been very large compared to other kids his age, but
    I've seen bigger, so why worry?  
    
    Sign me -- 37 weeks along and cranky,
    
    M.
    
    
    

    I was truly amazed this weekend.  Someone actually called my 20 1/2+
    lb, 28 1/2 inch almost 7 month old son a "peanut"!  Geesh, her idea of
    the size a 7 month old child should be is kind of skewed!  But then,
    Aaron is only in the 85th or so percentile!
    
    It struck me as funny after reading other mom's commenting on it
    bugging them, because it kind of bugged me!
    
    sandy

    Maybe is wasn't intended to be a 'put-down' type of comment. 
    
    I lovingly call my grandaughter "peanut" all the time, not referring to
    her size.  And, she was a 10 lb newborn, now 2 1/2 who's in the 95th 
    percentile.  
    
    I kind of think it's cute.....and my daughter doesn't seem to mind
    when Olivia says she's "Nana's peanut"; then, other times Olivia tells
    me that "she's not a peanut, she's a girl!"
    
    Lorraine/Nana

    I also use the term peanut a lot.  Most kids 4 and under are peanuts
    to me no  matter what thier size.  I call both of my boys my peanuts
    and we sing a lot of peanut type songs.  "Found a peanut, found a
    peanut....named him Lee, named him Lee" and many variations on this.
    
    Not intended to offend anyone.  More of an "oh how cute!" comment.
    
    
    				Mary
    

    Actually, she did mean Aaron's size.  After I told her that's the first
    time I've heard anyone call him that, considering he's in the 85th
    percentile, she said "oh, well, maybe he's not that small."
    
    I don't believe she meant to offend.  I think she's proud of her big
    baby boy (like me) and likes to bring attention to it!  It just caught
    me off guard since most folks are shocked to hear Aaron's only 7 months
    old.   For what it's worth, I call Aaron "Tweety bird" or little bird
    because of the way he would let me know he's hungry, reminded me of
    little birds waiting for their parents to feed them.  He should get
    really annoyed with me if I don't quit calling him that!
    
    sandy

I've discovered that people have no concept of size when it comes to kids.
I can't count the number of times people have said to me "what a big boy"
My son is 19 mths and weighed ~24 lbs at his last checkup (25th %ile).

Lori

    >    Breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding arguments from men...hmmmph, what
    >do they know about it?!  (no offense, guys, but watching/helping, and
    >really doing it are very, very different things!)
    >Forward
    
    You don't have to lactate to know the pros and cons of breastfeeding.
    I actually know quite a bit about it.
    
    It's comments like this that really bug me, not that I would ever argue
    a woman's decision.
    
    It has also been my experience that it's usually a woman who is the
    most vociferous on the subject.  
    
    
    Peace

    Re: .98, I don't want to seem critical of your comment but....
    knowing the pros and cons of breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding is very
    different from doing it.
    
    Knowing the pros and cons is very differnt from actually nursing a
    baby.  You haven't felt the physical sensations of it, haven't
    experienced the sometimes inconvenience of being available to a hungry
    baby.  You haven't experienced the changes that happen to your body
    because of it and you haven't experienced the major changes that it
    will have on your life.
    
    Its like driving a car.  You can read all the manuals and talk to
    people that have done it, but until you are behind the wheel, you don't
    understand how the concept fits in with your reality.  
    
    Nancy  

What, do mothers make this decision in isolation?  Women don't discuss
important matters like this with their husbands?  Men can't be empathetic? 
Men's lives aren't affected directly and indirectly by this decision?  Men
don't talk to people and never have to defend the decision one way or the other
in conversations with friends and family?

OF COURSE doing is different from concept, but that doesn't mean that men don't
know anything about it and aren't affected by it.

Blanket statements (such as this one :-) bother me, too.

						Brian

    While I did not make my decision about breastfeeding in isolation, I
    can honestly say that my husband's input didn't count for a whole lot
    in coming to a decision.
    
    Wait! Hear me out.
    
    I did discuss it with him. From the start [from literally decades
    before our son was born] this was something I wanted to do. He was aware
    of my strong feelings about this [and had literally decades to process
    them].
    
    So our discussions weren't in terms of pro's and con's, but rather how
    we could best incorporate our baby and breastfeeding into our lives.
    
    Evan was born June 2nd of this year and, to date, has had only 12oz of
    formula total. We wanted to find a formula that he could tolerate in
    case it was needed after my return to work. Thus far it hasn't been.
    
    Perhaps it's us and the people we are, but neither one of us has done
    much defending of this choice. When asked, we answer. When asked why,
    we're brief -- it works for all of us. When asked how long it will
    continue, I answer 'as long as it works for us.'
    
    The one question that Rick gets is if he feels left out. He gets a
    laugh out of that one. Evan requires _much_ more input than feeding
    and keeps both of his parents pretty busy in the nurture department.
    
    	Annie

    >    Re: .98, I don't want to seem critical of your comment but....
    
    	No offense taken.
    
    >    Knowing the pros and cons is very differnt from actually nursing a
    >    baby.  You haven't felt the physical sensations of it, haven't
    
    There are many women who have never had abortions, thus never "felt the
    physical sensation", or the emotional ones for that matter, but that 
    doesn't prevent them, nor should it, from voicing strong opinions about 
    it.
    
    Following this logic would it also follow that a man shouldn't have or
    voice an opinion about abortion because he'll never experience it?
    
    Please, the only point I'm trying to make is don't discount a man's 
    input because he's never experienced giving birth. I honestly believe
    I was instrumental in my wifes decision, but after all the discussion
    it was her decision, and she felt right about it because we discussed
    it.
    
    For what it's worth, I would never of had a vasectomy with my wife's 
    approval. 

    Ahem, not to put a damper on anybody's rathole, but since I think I may
    have started this, I think I'll contribute more commentary.  What I meant
    about men's commentary on breastfeeding is *not* that my husband or any
    other woman's hasn't the right to discuss the matter with his wife.  
    
    Flame On!
    
    I did mean that men outside of one's marriage have no place asking a
    pregnant woman whether or not she intends to breastfeed and then
    proceeding the lightly veil their thought that she is unnatural or
    unfeeling or simply uninformed if she says she chooses not to.  I had
    this happen to me with my first pregnancy.  My boss at the time (long
    before my Digital days) was married to a nutritionist, so it is fair to
    say that he was well informed on the medical benefits and the process
    of breastfeeding, at least in the general sense.  However, since he
    wasn't the one whose breasts were being bitten by a 2 year old who
    still nursed once a day, (his wife was!) I didn't really feel he had a
    right to tell me that I was wrong, I wouldn't feel like a cow, I
    wouldn't be constantly tied to the baby in one way or another, and I
    wouldn't gain more weight.  *He* wasn't the one having to run to the
    ladies' room and pump the breasts out every few hours, saving that milk
    for later use, storing it in the office fridge to take home.  *He*
    wasn't the one who got blisters on his breasts, had to completely
    modify his eating habits in order to accomodate a fussy baby, and
    gained *another* 12 lbs. from eating enough calories to produce healthy
    milk.  His wife was.  He was not the only male to expound to me on the
    beauties and benefits of breastfeeding, nor was he the only one to tell
    me that my feelings and opinions were wrong.  He was simply the most
    persistent of several men over my two pregnancies.  My husband,
    however, has always been quite happy with formula-feeding, and simply
    left the decision to me, since it *is* my body, period.
    
    Flame off!

    Re: .103 - WELL SAID!!!
    
    Nancy
    

>>    I did mean that men outside of one's marriage have no place asking a
>>    pregnant woman whether or not she intends to breastfeed and then
>>    proceeding the lightly veil their thought that she is unnatural or
>>    unfeeling or simply uninformed if she says she chooses not to.

I am one of the men who responded, and I agree with you with one editorial
change: NO ONE, man OR woman, has a place making such comments.  I doubt you
would have felt much differently had the people making the comments been
female, or perhaps the women you know are more polite.  The comments you
describe are rude, plain and simple, regardless of who made them.  It IS *your*
body, not his OR hers.

FWIW, my wife (and I!) had to endure such comments as well, over the decision
not to breastfeed.

On the other hand, I see nothing wrong with people of either sex having polite,
respectful conversations about the merits of breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding.

						Brian

    Angeline has recently developed a stronger attachment to her pacifier.
    It all hinged on her learning to walk.  The pacifier was always in her
    crib, and she only used it when she went to bed at night.  But now
    that she can walk, she goes down and gets it a lot and walks around
    with it.
    
    We were over a friend's house recently.  The pacifier seems to bug
    him a bit, so he's always saying to her, "what's that in your mouth??",
    or "get that out of your mouth".   I can live with that.
    
    But I was coming down the stairs and he and she were in the room 
    together and I heard him say, "get that out of your mouth, you look
    like an idiot".   
    
    Now tell me, how many of you are sitting there with your mouth in
    a big "OH" shape!????  8-O    I was like a mother grizzly bear 
    protecting her cub when I heard that one!
    
    He was given a very quick lesson on how to speak to children.  Shame
    not being a teaching tool, etc...
    							cj *->
                                                              

    I wouldn't have gasped, I would have nodded my head in agreement. I'm 
    another who can't stand the "plugged" look on a child (of any age). 
    Although I wouldn't be telling a child they look stupid, that's not
    nice. 
    
    Gail

    
   -1  So if someone told your one year that they looked like an idiot
       because they had a pacifier you'd agree with them? How nice.
    
    It's a pretty well established fact that a pacifier can be a very
    useful means to comfort a newborn. My son never liked one but with
    my daughter it was very important. She just turned a year old and
    still uses it to go to bed. I keep it in her crib because I'm trying 
    to break the habit. But I don't think at this age it's that big of
    a deal. I don't like to see older children whith them but who am I
    to judge? I guess it must be nice to be the perfect parents of perfect
    children. 
    
    Sorry for the venting but this seems to be a hot button for me.
    
    cj,
    I think you did the right thing. Some people need a little educating
    sometimes, hopefully even if the pacifier bothers him he'll be more
    careful what he says to Angeline.
    
                  Barbara
    
       
    
             

    -2:
    
    I don't particularly care for pacifier-face in an older child either,
    but don't see that it is my business if it isn't my child.  My older
    boy (now 7) was glued to his pacifier until he was 15 months old.  I
    find a two year old with a pacifier pretty unattractive but birth to 15
    months or so doesn't bother me.  My little guy, now 4 months, doesn't
    seem as attached to the pacifier, except during the middle of the
    night, and that last half-hour before each feeding (jake is a
    bottomless pit, whose starving all the time!)  
    
    Each child has a different need for comfort and sucking. If
    cj's Angeline has suddenly decided she wants more pacifier time, then
    that's between them.  Personally, I'd rather see a young toddler 
    sucking away on that pacifier than doing some other "comfort"
    things I've been exposed to over the years, i.e., chewing the seat
    belt, their own clothes, a dirty stuffed animal.  It may also be that
    Angeline (and many other toddlers) prefer the pacifier at this time
    because it is extremely portable comfort, much easier to keep with her
    than a blankie or favorite stuffed animal.  My older boy kicked the
    pacifier habit (slowly) as he became steadier on his feet and more able
    to carry things while walking.  It helped, too, that he tended then
    (and still does now) to lose things easily.  Each time he lost a
    pacifier, we reminded him that we weren't buying any more new ones. 
    Slowly but surely, they all disappeared.  As each one went, that was
    one less place he was able/allowed to use one (i.e., the car(s), the
    carriage, Uncle's house, etc.).  When the last pacifier disappeared, he
    was a little cranky about bed time for 2-3 days, but that's it.
    
    I have to say, though, that any friend of mine who dared to tell my
    child he looked like an idiot *for any reason* would (a) be on the 
    receiving end of some very unprintable words from me, and (b) probably 
    not remain my friend for long if he/she didn't "wise up" fast.  
    
    Educating someone about how to talk to little folks is one thing, but I 
    knew better than to call people names by the time I was in Kindergarten.
    
    Hmmph...huffily yours, with my hormones in a post-partum uproar, { -:) }
    
    M.

    
    
    I think it is pretty stupid, no, not impolite, not un-nice,
    but downright stupid to tell a child that she looks like an 
    idiot. I don't think it matters if it was a pacifier, a hair
    cut, whatever, it's none of our business. What is the absolute
    worst thing that can happen with the pacifier? Crooked teeth?
    That can be fixed with braces/contraption in a year or so.
    What is the absolute worst thing that can happen with "I look
    like an idiot."? Well, I can come up with so many bad things
    that I haven't got to worse things yet.
    
    
    Eva 
    

    (*groan*)  I had not intended this become a "pacify or not to
    pacify" dicussion, as that's been done to death elsewhere. 
    Although the comments were appreciated, I think the note that
    started them went a bit out of line.
    
    And Angeline is not constantly running around with it in her
    mouth.  Heck, she yaks too much for that, it gets in her way! :-)
    She picks it up and puts it down when she wants.
    
    The purpose of my note, which a couple of you did stick with,
    was the comment itself.   And I felt good about the way I handled
    it.   I (don't know how!) managed not to overreact, but got my
    message firmly across.   To fall into, "Don't talk to MY child
    that way", was very close - but I held it at bay.  
    
    						cj *->
    

    
    I've also come to the defense of my daughter and her pacifier.  
    Even if it meant going up against my mother-in-law or my 
    elderly Aunt.  They always talk about my children as if they
    weren't even in the room.  
    
    I think you did the right thing, I've done it myself.  Its 
    amazing how quickly we know when to protect our kids.  
    
    Teri

    Re. the pacifier comment:
    David had one, I never minded it.  Whenever somebody commented on it, I
    usually responded "Hmm, such a little thing bothers you that much? I'm
    more concerned about world peace" or some comment like that. It really
    isn't a big deal, not in the grand scheme of things : )
    Sarah

    
    It never really bothered me, but my daughter had one until she
    was older.  She slept with it until she was 4.  It stayed in a box
    next to her bed.   I let her keep it because it meant soooo much 
    to her.  Bad idea. The comments bothered her a lot.  She was old enough
    to know what "you look stupid" "you look like a baby" meant.  
    She was so hooked on it, she couldn't give it up.   
    
    With my second I took it away at 6 months, much easier.  
    
    Teri

    I'm very happily 7 1/2 months pregnant with my second child right now.
    
    Because I am short and am carrying high, I look about 9 months
    pregnant - or close to it.
    
    Anyway, it's really bothering me how insensitive and rude people can
    be.  I'm sick of people asking me when I am due and then commenting
    that I look like I'm ready to have this baby next week or any day now.
    
    I then explain that it's just because I'm short and carrying high...
    
    But I really want to say something mean back to them about their
    appearance.  Or I want to say something that makes them realize how
    rude they are.
    
    Last week someone told me that I look like an Easter egg.  That one
    really got to me...
    
    I know it's not forever, and I just need to remind myself how glad I
    am to be pregnant and so what if I'm big.
    
    It will all be worth it in the end.
    
    Gail
    
    
    

    Gail,
    
    Can you see at all how beautiful you are right now?   I don't
    know you, and have never seen you, but I know you're beautiful.
    Try to tell yourself that.  
    
    There are so many women out there who will never get to feel 
    what you do right now.  And your time left is going to go so
    quickly.  You may not believe it now, but for a time, you are
    going to miss that big lump in front of you.  (I just re-read your
    note and realized this is your second child.  Do you remember
    missing that feeling of your baby inside you when you had your
    first???)
    
    I, too, carried very high and looked huge the last couple of 
    months (and she never dropped).  Be glad, I hear it's a lot worse
    when they are lower and sitting on your bladder.
    
    Be proud and stick that belly out further!  
    
    							cj *->

    
    Gail,
    
    I'm 7 months pregnant, gained 32 pounds already (thats all
    I gained full term with my first child) and I'm really getting
    sick of the twins comment because I look so large.
    
    I really don't like comments on the shape of my body, particularly
    from men, pregnant or not.  Even compliments bother me when
    I'm pregnant from men.
    
    Lately, when I get comments on my size from men, I lightly scold
    them "Dont you know your not supposed to say things like that
    to pregnant women".
    
    A few other things that bother me...
    
    * theres this guy at work that says hello to me twice, each time
      he sees me.  It was funny the first time but I should have never
      laughed because he does it all the time now.
    * people CONSTANTLY asking me how I feel.  LEAVE ME ALONE!  
    
    It seems like being pregnant causes people to really invade your
    privacy even if they are well intended.
    
    Karen
    

    I was always big during my pregnancies and got lots of comments.
    
    I think saying something like:  "Thank you for sharing that with me." 
    Or "Gee, I really appreciate comments like that right now."  If you say
    these in a sarcastic tone people will certainly know the words don't
    really match what you are thinking.
    
    People are very insensitive.  I'm sure I've even made a comment that
    has hurt someone when they are pregnant--but hopefully before I was
    ever pregnant!
    
    judy

    I am normally a thin person -- but when I was pregnant with my two
    girls I got very big, very fast.  People were incredibly insensitive. 
    Even now when I think about it I get kind of teary.  
    
    It got to the point when I wouldn't bother responding with words
    anymore, just a cold stare.  Unfortunately, it only ended after I
    returned from maternity leave.  Now people say that they can't believe
    how thin I got after having twins.  I guess they're trying to be nice
    -- but I don't think comments about a person's body size are
    appropriate. I'm sure that these same people would never comment about
    a co-worker's weight if she wasn't pregnant.
    
    I also found myself feeling very defensive especially towards men who 
    would ask very personal questions about my pregnancy and later about 
    whether I nursed, etc.  Intellectually I realized that they were 
    interested and often had a pregnant spouse...but emotionally it felt like 
    an invasion of privacy.
    
    I can't offer any remedies...just a hug.  It does get better.
    
    Kindest regards,
    Lisa
    
    
    

    Thanks for the ideas on what to say.
    
    I tend to find myself being stunned when I hear those comments because
    I can't believe the nerve of some people.
    
    Now I'll keep those in the back of my mind and be prepared with some
    replies.
    
    By the way, I don't mind at all how I look.  I love being pregnant and
    I love every time I feel the baby move (except when a foot gets stuck
    in my ribs).  :)
    
    I just can't stand people I hardly know commenting on my size.
    
    Gail
    

    It's funny that this subject came up.  I'm just over 4 months pregnant
    and already into maternity clothes.  I was at my in-law's house for
    easter and EVERYONE was commenting on how big I am already.  Sheesh!! 
    They're all telling me I'm going to have a 9-10 lb. baby!  Oh gee,
    thanks!!  It was getting pretty annoying after a while!  
    
    HOlly
    

    
    Hmm..interesting.  At 20 weeks, I seem to be getting a mixed bag of
    comments!
    
    My hairdresser told me that it wasn't noticeable which is understandable, 
    she usually usually sees me in casual clothes when I wear loose fitting 
    tops/leggings.  Work colleagues say I'm getting big - but my non-pregnancy 
    work wear is close-fitting so the maternity clothes are in use here.  
    
    Another person in our dept is due one month ahead of me and I have had 
    people say "You're not as big as ....."   (this one is my pet hate.  
    Everyone is different!)
    
    Ohh..And I have frequently had the 'wandering eyes' before now too.   
    This is my term for the people who *think* you might be pregnant and 
    are not sure.  During a conversation their eyes can't help but slip to
    below your waist level.  This situation is quite amusing and I do
    comment upon it to the other person in a light-hearted way.
    
    I try to remind myself that on the whole, people's intentions are good
    and that my sensitivity level is raised these days.
    
       
    Jackie

    This one is hitting close to home!  I'm 25 weeks with my second.  At
    this point last time I was putting on maternity clothes - now I'm as
    big as I was at 8 months last time.  The worst thing someone has said
    was "your face looks like it is getting fuller" 
    
    However, my biggest pet peeve is people how tell me what to do -- ie.
    to take the elevator -- walking up 2 flights of stairs is just too much
    for me now or don't big up that box, don't move that chair, sit down
    and rest.  I'm pregnant not an invalid and I know when something is too
    much for me.
    
    Karen
    

    Outside of comments made while pregnant, I HATE it when people come up
    to my kids and start trying to figure out who they look like.  When
    someone asks me who they look like my normal answer is "themselves".  I
    don't think kids need to believe they are a miniature mom or dad or
    aunt or uncle...  They need their own identity!
    
    Irene

>>    I HATE it when people come up
>>    to my kids and start trying to figure out who they look like.

I agree wholeheartedly!  Or "I bet she got <characteristic> from her mother."
It's irrelevant, it assigns an awful lot of responsibility to genetics, and
it's incredibly awkward in the case of adopted/step/mixed families.

I don't mind people saying the my kids look like me or my wife (or Shirley
Temple or Tom Cruise :-), since that's just commenting on a resemblance.  But
to struggle to figure out which parent they look *more* like, or what relative
they resemble, when there doesn't have to be *any* resemblance, is a bit much.

A neighbor recently said, of my daughter, "I guess she got her shyness from her
parents."  Besides the inheritance stuff, we prefer to avoid using the term
"shy" in general, so we were annoyed that this one statement applied it both to
us and our kids!

						Brian

    
    I just wanted to make one comment:
    
    I truly believe that most people do not mean any harm when they say the 
    comments that have been complained about in here.   I think for most 
    cases, it's just people trying to show interest in your family and/or
    pregnancy and attempting to make "small talk". 
    
    It's OK to blow off some steam when these things irritate you a bit
    but do try to keep it in perspective and consider that most people's
    motives are not bad!
    
    cj/      

    I don't know.
    
    I can cut people a lot of slack based on good intentions.
    
    However, I have a real problem with what some people think is
    appropriate.
    
    I don't much mind the general comments and questions about who Evan
    looks like.
    
    I really hate when people say "he's all boy." I want to come back with
    "as opposed to part wombat?" but I don't. I realise that this a
    meaningless space filler...just one I fine odious.
    
      Annie

<    I really hate when people say "he's all boy." I want to come back with
<    "as opposed to part wombat?" 

<snort!>

It's similar comments like that, ones made in front of the children which
introduce prejudice or sexism, which bother me.  Specifically, putdowns of
girls or pressure that they have to behave a certain way because they are boys.
I quickly change the subject and get the boys' attention elsewhere, but it's
really annoying (and hard to get away from) when the comments are from
relatives! 

      Carol