Conference moira::parenting

    I read the book "When Saying No Isn't Enough" which is excellent. 
    Sorry, I've lent my copy so I can't give any details.
    
    I've been nonchalantly discussing drugs with my 2 boys (now 11.5 and
    almost 14) for about 5 years now.  We don't interrogate them but ask
    questions like whether or not they know of anybody using drugs, what
    they would do if they did know, what to do if somebody offers them any,
    etc.  Our area is pretty tame for this sort of stuff but I want them
    well armed morally when they start going to Nyon or Geneva.  Drugs are
    a grounds for being expelled from the International School.
    
    I have never told my boys that they should tattle on friends that they
    know are using drugs because the question has never come up.  I HAVE
    told them that if anybody ever offers or tries to sell them drugs or if
    they EVER see anybody doing such things, even if it is a friend, that
    they must tell the nearest adult.
    
    But, I wonder about what will happen the day that one of their friends
    (or, heaven forbid, one of them) does get involved.  Should I tell them
    that tattling, in this case, is ok?  If it were my boy and some other
    child told me, I'd want to know.  How do you, as parents, feel about
    this?
    
    We try to bring up the subject at appropriate times, just to keep them
    on their toes and remembering what is correct.  I find that movies
    where the subject is teenage drug or alcohol abuse are good things to
    watch together and discuss.
    
    This is my biggest worry for my children.
    
    Cheryl

    My sons are ages 5 and 7 and thanks to education in school and home
    know that drugs are not good.  We haven't gone into it in much depth,
    other than to say we do not accept anything from strangers and if a
    friend offers us something that looks unfamiliar we refuse it.  They
    know drugs are a bad scene, but I don't think they would recognize them
    "on the street".  At their young ages, I believe talking to them about
    strangers and such is a good lead in.  They receive alot of information
    starting in K here in Nashua - and every year they have an anti drug
    program for the students to learn more about it.
    
    I'm glad you brought up this subject.  I think it's important that we
    NOT assume our kids are too young or "don't know those kinds of
    people".  It has given me something to think more about!
    
    -sandy
    

    We have developed a phrase and attitude in our home towards this,
    	"Drugs are BAD, medicine is GOOD for you" and you only take
    medicine from and ADULT that you KNOW like mom, dad, gramma or grampa.
    And if someone you don't know tries to give you any kind of medicine you 
    are to run away as fast as you can and tell mom or dad or an adult.  
    
    Somewhere on his own, AJ had come up with the fact that "smoking is
    yuckie!"  (neither one of smokes, or ever did) and he has made comments
    about smoking when he sees ads in magazines or on TV.  I don't know
    where that came from, but I'm not objecting!
    
    Lyn

    We live in a neighborhood with a ton of kids of all ages. My 6 and
    4 year olds have friends both younger and older. I always thought it
    was important for my kids to have a neighborhood with lots of kids.
    But when my aunt suggested that my kids may be exposed to drugs I was
    stunned. I thought about it for a while. Bellingham Mass is a small 
    town but there have always been drugs there since I was a kid. Milford,
    the town next door was one of the big drug towns of the '70's.
    
    I have since told my children about drugs. I don't want to scare them but
    I do want to make sure that they become disinterested at an early age.
    I put drug education in the same catagory as other safety precautions.
    My kids know their phone numbers. They know how to dial 911. They know
    to look both ways before crossing the street. They know drugs hurt
    them.
    
    Does your school have drug education in the early grades?
    
    Kate
    

I was having a great talk with my 10 year old about drugs.  I told
her I knew she'd be really curious, but that you buy the stuff
from criminals, and it can be poison you're buying, and even if
you get what you think you're getting (like cocaine), people have
been known to die from the first time they try it, or with LSD
have permanent brain damage.  Anyway, I didn't realize my 7 year
old was listening.  He has quite a different personality from
my 10 year old, and is apparently well aware of it.  He said to
me, so sweetly and so sincerely, "You don't have to worry about
me, Mommy.  I don't even try things that are safe!"

    re .5
    
    You could almost out that one in the "funniest kids" topic :-)
    
    But maybe you want to revisit the topic with your ten year old.  My
    biggest worry is not the criminals because I don't think that is where
    the kids get the stuff.  They get it from an older "friend" or
    somebody's "uncle" or whatever.  Somebody says, "Here, smell this,
    it'll make you feel REAL good!" or "Try this sugar, it tastes just like
    sugar but will make you feel like you're flying.  I got it out of my
    brother's room."  "Sure it's safe, I've tried it a couple of times
    already myself!"
    
    I tell my kids to not try anything, even if it comes from a friend, if
    they don't know what it is.  Period.
    
    I guess I'm just suspicious but this is seriously, as I said before,
    the biggest worry I have for my children today.
    
    ccb

re: .6

Excellent points.

My 11 year old sixth grade daughter just completed a drug awareness program, 
and a significant part of the program had to do with resisting peer pressure. 

I think there is an analogy to all of training that went into avoiding
"strangers" (sometimes, IMO approaching paranoia) when most physical and
sexual abuse, and abductions were done by people well known to the victim.

Almost invariably, the first introduction to alcohol, tobacco, and other
drugs is at a social gathering of people you know well.  You start doing
business with the pusher when you have become addicted and/or when the pusher
has become your "friend" as a result of having been introduced to you by a
mutual friend or acquaintance.

Clay

    
    As a school committee member I have had many discussions with both
    professionals and lay people on this subject. The consensus appears to
    be that parents should begin to discuss the subject in the home as the
    child brings it up. Drug awareness programs should begin in the schools
    at the 4th to 5th grade level. In Holliston we run the DARE program at
    the 5th grade level and we integrate drug awareness and peer pressure
    issues through our Health curriculum which includes the nationally
    recognized Quest program.
    

    My son has been seeing the anti-drug campaigns on kids tv for many
    years.  He understands about cigarettes since his father smoked them
    for several years after he was born.  At age 10, he has a good
    feel for the problems associated with addictions.  I don't believe he
    has gotten anything through the schools yet.
    

    AJ at age 5, has reacted quite definitely to those TV anti drug ads,
    the ones where they show a baby's casket being placed into the hearse,
    and one other I can't quite recall.
    
    At first I thought they were a bit too much, but now realize they have
    accomplished their goal - to get kids to realized drugs can kill.
    
    He's been told never to accept anything from anyone he doesn't know, in
    fact we tell him DRUGS are BAD, medicine is good, but ONLY from an
    adult that you know like mom and dad, gramma and grampa.  Don't take
    anything from anyone else.  He does understand this.  He also started
    to verbalize just around age 3, that "smoking is yucky".   We don't
    smoke (never did) and I'm not sure where it came from, but the goal has
    been accomplished in any case.
    
    I now realize I have to work on the "don't talk to strangers" routine. 
    Mr. sociable says hi, and strikes up a conversation (bragging mostly)
    to anyone that he can get attention from.  Any ideas on handling this
    one?
    
    Lyn

    accepting things from strangers...
    
    One step further - I was so proud of my 5 year old.  We were coming out
    of a local grocery store and a woman was sitting outside the door with
    Tootsie-Pops.  She offered him one and he refused.  She said, "It's
    free, you can have it."  He said, "No thanks" and kept walking.  I told
    him I was so proud of him for not taking anything from a stranger.  He
    just looked at me and smiled.
    
    Now, true she was giving them away for a donation to the retarded, but
    he could not read the banner on her chest, not did he understand where
    she was coming from...I was glad he did it.
    
    -sandy
    

    Several months ago after watching the Dinasours episode against drugs
    my daughter (4 yrs old) turned to me and said SAY NO TO DRUGS MOMMY. I
    was really proud.  I wanted to get into the topic further and asked her
    what she knew about drugs.  
    
    Q.  Honey, do you know what drugs are?
    
    A. Yes mommy, eggs are drugs.
    
    My reply  WHAT?????.  Then it dawned on me she meant the commercial
    "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs.  I had to clear this
    one up but I thought it was interesting how influential TV commerials
    can be on the young mind.                        

    
    
    	Do any of you out there know how I can get in touch with
    	a Tough Love group in the Southern, NH area?  They are the
    	people who get together to teach parents of children in all
    	kinds of trouble that by being tough and standing their ground
    	is the best way to help their kids.
    
    	Any pointers will be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.  -Nancy
    
    

    I can't give you a direct answer, but I remember seeing a book about
    the  Tough Love methods in one of the bigger bookstores in the Mall
    (may have been Waldenbooks).
    
    It's real remote, but at one point I believe the actress Carol Burnett
    was (is) their spokesperson.  Perhaps a call to the west coast, (doesn't
    she have her own production company?) might produce answers.  
    
    Have you considered calling a local hospital that deals in drug
    addictions, like AdCare in Worcester, or the one in New Hampshire or
    Rhode Island?  Most likely they can give you pointers too.
    
    Good luck,
    Lyn

    I believe a Tough Love group meets at the Brookside Hospital "partial 
    Program" building - behind Marshalls on 101A.  The contact for the
    group is:  Patricia at 603-424-2296.  You can call that number to get
    more info.
    

    There was an excellent article in Parenting in the last few months
    about how drug awareness starts at birth, being an approachable parent,
    answering any and all questions through the ages.  It gave specific
    examples of wording that could be useful in talking to children of all
    ages; most importantly to find out what they are really asking...I'm
    not saying this well, but with my current schedule, I doubt I'll hve
    time to type it in, for some months.  
    
    The most critical thing is to make use of teachable moments, rather
    than trying to sit down for 'the discussion'...same thing with sex and
    aids, I guess.  
    
    And I though the first 6 months were hard!
    Adrienne