Conference moira::naturism

178.0. "Shocking Nudity (by Dave Barry)" by MOIRA::FAIMAN (light upon the figured leaf) Mon Jun 26 1989 11:33

Reposted without permission from the Dave Barry conference (HYDRA::DAVE_BARRY -
press SELECT or KP7 to add it to your notebook), where it was reprinted without
permission from Dave Barry:

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			SHOCKING NUDITY!

		         by Dave Barry
        copied right from The Boston Sunday Globe, June 25,1989

Once again, America finds itself under the attack by the forces of Sin and Evil
and Immorality and Gladys Knight  and the Pips.  I refer to an alarming
incident that recently came to light in South Florida (tourism motto: "We've
got your wallet") wherein a woman was suspected of - Young people:  Do not read
the rest of this sentence - dancing naked in her living room.  

I am not making this incident up.  According to newspaper accounts, one evening
last year, a woman who lived in a third-floor apartment in Palm Springs, Fla.,
decided to take a shower, and she asked one of her daughters to call her if the
TV started showing the music video "Love Overboard" by Gladys Knight and the
Aforementioned Pips.  Sure enough, the song came on, so the woman came out of
the shower - she claims she wrapped a towel around herself - and began dancing
in the living room, in flagrant defiance of the US Constitution which states: 
"No getting out of the shower to dance in the living room except in the case of
'Twist and Shout' by the Isley Brothers."

The alarming part is that the woman probably would have gotten clean away with
this, were it not for the fact that three vigilant neighbors were outside
peering in between the slats of her vertical blinds.  they thought she was
dancing, so they did exactly what you or I would have done in the situation: 
They rushed out and purchased a video camera.

No! Wait! Satan made me say that! What these vigilant neighbors did was, of
course, call the police, who raced to the scene, no doubt scattering crack
dealers left and right, and followed normal police procedure in cases of
suspected naked living-room dancing, namely they (1) arrested the woman, (2)
charged her with lewd and lascivious behavior in the presence of a child, (3)
put her in jail and (4) put her two daughters into state foster homes for two
days, thereby permitting all South Floridians to breathe a little easier and
resume performing routine maintenance on their assault rifles.  Shockingly,
however, the charges against the woman were later dropped - probably on some 
legal "technicality" such as the district attorney has a brain larger than 
a Raisinet - which means this woman is back out in society, free once again to
dance in her living room, or even - we have to face the chilling possibility -
her kitchenette.

What can we do about this?  We can notify the authorities of any suspicious
behavior on the part of our neighbors, such as closing their vertical blinds in
a probable effort to prevent us from seeing them dance naked.  But we need
something more than that, and that something is:Congressional hearings. 
Remember a few years back when Us Senate Wife "Tipper" Gore (D-1952), made the
alarming discovery that Vaseline-coated  rock superstar Price was singing
explicitly suggestive lyrics, such as - forgive me for printing these actual
Prince lyrics, but it's time you understood what we're up against - "Your face
is jammin', your body's heck a-slammin'," so Tipper and some other concerned
federal mothers decided to hold a hearing, which produced the single greatest
moment in recent federal legislative history when Susan Baker, wife of the
current secretary of state, in an effort to illustrate the seriousness of the
situation, spelled out the "f"-word to the Senate Commerce Committee?  Don't
you wish you had that on videotape?

Well, I say it's time once again for meaningful federal action.  I say we haul
Gladys Knight and all suspected Pips before a congressional committee and ask
them some hard questions, such as: (1) Do you have vertical blinds? (2) Are
they familiar with the term "heck a-slammin'"? (3) Do they take showers? (3A)
All in the same shower?  Or Gladys in one stall and the Pips in another, going
"whoo-whooo"?  (4) Are they aware that when you rearrange the letters in "Gladys
Knight and the Pips," you get "I spy naked thigh gland pits"?  Hah!  I'd like
to see them wriggle out of that.

We need to act quickly, because this Palm Springs thing was not an isolated
incident.  Just this past April we had another outbreak of public nudity in
South Florida.  In fact it was in *my neighborhood*.  In fact it was *me*. 
What happened was, it was about 11:30 at night, and I was ready for bed, by
which I mean naked as a jaybird, and I realized that our federal tax return was
sitting on the kitchen counter, and - you know this feeling - I just had to get
it out of the house.  So I grabbed it and poked my head out the front door to
see if there were any lurking neighbors or typical South Florida mosquitoes
(blood capacity: 17 gallons).  The coast was clear, so I sprinted out to the
mailbox, thereby breaking God knows how many laws and postal regulations.  And
the hell of it is, *I enjoyed it*.  Yes!  I admit it!  Hardly a day goes by
when I am not seized by the almost-uncontrollable urge to mail things naked.  I
need help!  I need federal regulation!  I need a shower.