Conference misery::feline

    Without pictures this one is hard to do.....
    
    
    
    Dear Syl, my cat turns off my answering machine while I'm at work. 
    What can I do?  He's ruining my social life.
    							John
    
    
    Dear John, Plllleeeeezzzzzeeee, I hate it when people blame their lack
    of a social life on their cats.  Like all cats, he lives only to make
    you happy.  In this case, he is protecting you from the knowledge that
    no one ever calls you.  He doesn't want you to realize the full extent
    of you unpopularity, so he turns off the machine.  Be grateful, you cad.
      								
    								Love Syl

    Haaahaaa, I saw that cartoon and just about died laughing.
    
    Giudi

    I've collected some greeting cards with funny cat cartoons on them
    (although one is kinda mean)
    This is hard to do without pictures...
    
    One is a crowd of people on the beach, crowded around a big whale
    washed up on shore, with a cat in spread-eagled position, back to
    whale - facing the people (as if to say, no, no, it's all mine!)
    
    One is looking from behind a butcher and his case of fresh fishes,
    looking at the two customers who have come in, who are cats holding
    people face masks in front of thier faces, ordering mega lbs of
    fresh fish (lets see, 32 lbs of fresh salmon, 20 lbs of tuna  etc...)
    
    Another is an angled shot view of a kind of piano-keyboard.  There is
    part of a body and two hands playing the piano, and in the piano case,
    with the top open, is a row of multi-colored kittys with different
    expressions on thier faces (a couple of them have thier mouths in
    meow - to - howl position, as the keys that coinside with thier
    position in the piano get played - to looks of what am I doing in
    here?)
    
    Another is a far side?  with a man driving in a car down the street
    with a kitty beside him and a dog in the middle of the street 
    dancing with a happy face.  
    "Well, look who's excited to see you back from being declawed"
    
    Another is a woman sitting in a chair reading a book entitled
    "How to discipline your cat" with a cat sitting on her head.
    
    Another is one cat talking to another, his claws dug firmly into
    the drapes on the window, in a living room of many colors and patterns.
    "I don't care what they do to me, I'm going to keep working on 
    these drapes 'til they find something that goes with that couch"
    
    
    /gina

    
    	This isn't actually humor, but I got the sweetest Christmas
    	card a few of days ago.
    
    	There's a cat basket on the floor with a fat calico curled 	
    	into a ball so that her head's upside down, and Santa is in
    	an easy chair, boots off, socks sticking out, leaning back,
    	eyes closed happily - his beard reaches down to his lap and
    	curled up on it are four sleeping kittens. The caption is
    	`Peace and Contentment'.
    
    	Sherry
    

    Today's Sylvia Cartoon...
    
    
    Dear Cat Lady:
    
    My cat has been in the basement for weeks.  Last night I stood at the
    top of the stairs and said, "Hey kitty, kitty," but he didn't respond.
    I thought I heard music and then someone said, "Come on down, honey."
    
    Every evening I put his food at the top of the stairs.  In the morning
    the bowl is untouched.  Now the dog has disappeared.  What should I do?
    
    
    Dear Creeped-out in Cincinnati:
    
    Brick up the basement.
    
    The Cat Lady
    
    
    
    
    
    Christmas Eve while I was buying odds and ends to finish wrapping
    Christmas presents with, I came across a cute set of Christmas 
    cards with cats on them.  I don't remember what the inside said but
    on the outside it had a picture of two cats with little dialog bubbles
    pointing to each of them.  One said, "I like to pull the tinsel off the
    Christmas tree one strand at a time."  the other said, "I'm a clump
    kitty myself."  I thought the card was really cute but I was concerned
    about sending that out.  I don't want anyone to think I am advocating
    allowing their cat to play with tinsel.
    
    Jan 

My girlfriend picked up this get well soon card for a sick friend.

On the front it shows a cat, thermometer in mouth, under the covers
on this big bed.  Another cat is standing on his chest on top of 
the covers with its face pressed up against the "sick kitty."

Inside, it says "Feeling better?"

Maybe it's not funny, but I laughed and laughed at it....


/chris

    A friend sent me that card when I was out for surgery.  I loved it!
    And, I have kept it.
    
    Jan

    
    The two Shoebox Christmas cards I sent out this year were cat related. 
    On one, the outside features a very beat-up looking Santa, covered in
    scratches and bandaids.  The inside reads:  "Santa must have had lots
    of requests for cats this year."
    
    The second one has, in big letters on the front:  "'Twas the night
    before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was
    stirring, not even a mouse."  Inside the card is a picture of a very
    smug looking cat, wearing a Santa cap.  Above his head is the word,
    "BURP!"
    
    Sandy
    

    My friend, a devoted "cat person" sent me a Christmas Card that had me
    smiling.  I hope I can explain this and still have you appreciate the
    humor.  It was a fireplace mantel scene, with a father, mother, little
    girl, and little boy all hung by the backs of their shirts along the
    mantel.  The last was a cat.  Under each person was a name, something
    like:  John Stocking, Ellen Stocking, Mary Stocking, Billy Stocking,
    Care (under the cat). The caption read "The stockings were hung by the
    chimney with care.  
    

    I saw the FUNNIEST Christmas card in the store last week! (I hope this
    wasn't already talked about, cause I didn't read the previous replies
    ;^)
    
    There's this line of mice getting ready to sit on Santa's lap to get
    their picture taken. Santa, of course, is a cat dressed in Santa 
    clothes. The one mouse looks at another in the line and says, 
    
    "This line is REALLY moving fast!"

    I got that card from an aquaintance.  It was definitely cute!!
    

    Just got the farside calendar funny from December 28th handed to me
    buy someone in my group.
    
    It has a cat sitting in front of a woman who is scolding it.
      
    
                     WHAT WE SAY TO CATS...
    
                            ( "Well, Fluffy, you've clawed      )
    		            (  the furniture for the last time! ) 
    			    (  I'll not tolerate that behavior  )
                            (  any longer!..                    )
               
               CAT                           WOMAN
                     
      ------------------------------------------------------------------
    
                     WHAT THEY HEAR
                                        (                     )
                                        (                     )
                                        (                     )
    
    		CAT			     WOMAN
    
    
    
    The pictures are the same for both except the dialog bubble is empty
    on the "What they hear" picture.
    
    Jan

    I saw this card in a card shop and couldn't resist it.
    
    The front of the card is two kitties laying on their sides facing
    each other and their front paws are sort of wrapped around each
    others necks, (this is like a photo, so they are real cats)  and
    one is a brown tabby and the other an orange kitty and inside it
    says, What would I ever do without you?
    
    (saving it for hubby when he does something extra special and 
    unexpected...)
    
    Barbara

    This is another of my favorite Sylvia cat cartoons by Nicole Hollander:
    
    The first frame shows Sylvia sitting at her type writter and the
    caption says "Cat Court".
    
    The next frame shows a bride-to-be sitting with her cat and a few feet
    away is the groom-to-be.  The frame is titled "the Situation".  The
    Bride-to-be says "I want Clarice here to be my Maid of Honor", the
    groom-to-be says "Is she nuts or what??" :')
    
    The next frame is The Judge's Decision.  "The court finds that either
    Clarice is Maid of Honor or the wedding is off.....In addition the
    court finds the Groom must pay for Clarice's dress and shoes"  The
    judge is sitting there very serious.  The judge is a cat! :')
    
    
    I love this one!
    
    Jo

    Re: 76.12
    
    I got that put on my desk too.  Do you think they know something?

 This one is from real life (mine).  My cat Buki reset the outgoing message on  
my answering machine, to "pause...meow...pause...meow".  I laughed so hard
when I discoved this.  He had to have jumped up to look out of the window,
stepping on the message button and then meowed at the squirrels!!  One of my
friends called and her first sentence was "what was that message, it sounds
like a baby crying?". I got a good laugh out of this!!

Lola

    Ahhh ha ha! I have another real life funny!!
    
    Callie is the smartest cat that's ever owned me! About a week ago, I
    was in the livingroom watching TV, and Tabitha was sleeping in my room.
    I could see her from the couch. Suddenly I heard a lot of noise coming 
    from the dining room. I instantly knew that my little nut, Callie was
    knocking over nick-nacks in the dining room! I yelled into the dining
    room  "Callie! What are you doing!?" When I got there, she was curled
    up on the kitchen chair, PRETENDING to be asleep! I couldn't help but 
    laugh! Then she came over & started purring & rubbing up against me as
    if to say, "See...I'm too cute to yell at!"
    
    Bonnie 

Last week I made myself a nice mug of hot chocolate topped off with some
whipped cream.  I set it down on the coffee table and went to get my book.
When I came back, Tasha the terrorist had whipped cream and chocolate all over
her face and hanging off her whiskers like she fell into it and the puppy had 
her nose buried into the mug.  I wanted to be mad and tell them NO but after 
just one look at Tasha and her wet face, I couldn't stop laughing long enough.

    A week after we got our little girl, she did this...
    
    My husband has one of those electronic keyrings that makes different
    noises...explosions, gunfire, etc. and it was on the floor in front of
    the endtable next to the couch.
    
    Alex was walking along the arm of the couch when she smelled my hub's
    coffee, and decided to take a taste.
    
    It was just a little too hot, so she jumped back, missed the endtable,
    and as she fell, we heard "EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee *BOOM*" - she landed
    right on the noisemaker, and "exploded"!
    
    We couldn't stop laughing, but she was so surprised that, to this day,
    if she hears that sound...she makes the funniest face!
    
    K.C.

    This was a Calvin & Hobbes comic:
    
    Calvin comes walking into the room screaming "AUUUUUGGGGHHH". Hobbes is
    sound asleep on his back. Calvin walks up to Hobbes and buries his face
    in Hobbes beelly. Hobbes looks at him "Hmph?" Calvin walks away saying
    "Ahhhhh, fuzz therapy".

Our Christmas cards last year had a photograph of a black and white tabby
wearing a little Santa hat looking out at you.  The caption read:

outside:	"Buster carefully listened to all 
		the mousies' Christmas requests"

inside:		"and then he ate them" 


	:)

From the St. Petersburg, FL Times:

BOYNTON BEACH - It was one howler of a whodunit, and even Ms. Marple was 
stumped.

Police rushed to Barbara Marple's apartment to find out why 911 was being
repeatedly dialed without anyone speaking on the other end.  Turned out it was
a series of catcalls.

The first emergency call came at 9 p.m. Sunday.  The caller hung up without
saying a word.  Police traced the address and went to the apartment, but no
one answered.

The next mysterious call was recorded at 10:07 p.m., followed in rapid 
succession by several more.

Police went back.  They banged on the door and woke Ms. Marple from a nap.  The
23-year-old supermarket employee denied making the calls, but the police 
insisted on checking inside.

In a bedroom, Ms. Marple and the police found her calico cat, named Kitten, with
one paw on the cordless phone.

"Cat dialed 911 using auto redial," reads the police log entry.  Case closed.

Kitten didn't simply press a speed-dial button.  She punched 9-1-1 in sequence
the first time.  Then she hit the redial button.

    When Biff was a kitten, he used to call people all the time.  I've
    got a fancy phone with a speakerphone and autodial and an answering
    machine.  Biff used to walk on the phone till he heard a dial tone
    and then he'd step on one of the autodial buttons and call someone.
    He called my sitter once and she thought I was kidding when I grabbed
    the phone and said that Biff had dialed her.  She found out when she
    was over the house one day that Biff does indeed know how to use the
    phone.  I've had to keep the phone covered with a box to stop his
    antics.
    
    That's my Biffster!
    

    I have one of those Panasonic phones with all the buttons on top and my
    cats have used the speakerphone button and redial buttons quite a bit.  
    They once called back Sheri in Hawaii after I had hung up.  And the 
    night Kalliste threw his clot, one of the cats redialed the vet while I
    was putting Kalliste into his carrier for the vet trip.
    
    Jo

    Last night while I was making dinner Carrie was climbing on the table I
    keep my phone answering machine on.  Next thing ya know I'm hearing the
    answering machine say "You have no new messages".  She'd stepped on the
    check messages button.  Now I'm wondering if the reason I never have any 
    messages on the machine is because Carrie checks them for me before I 
    get home (the machine automatically erases after replaying the message 
    unless I hit the save button).  She's probably screening my calls.  
    "Nope, mom doesn't need to hear this one."
    
    Jan

    Jan....don't quite know how to tell you this so here goes...
    
    
    
    See .1 in this string!
    
    Jo

    Funny you should mention it, Jo.  That's the first thing I thought
    of last night when she did it.
    
    Jan

Kyra has this thing about the phone.  She really hates to hear it ring.  I've
got a regular rotary dial phone in the bedroom and every time it rings, she
runs after it.  My fiance called me one time thinking that I had stayed home
from work.  He was quite surprised that KYRA answered the phone for him!  she
was sniffing all around the phone. Bob kept calling her name and she

About a week later I called my mother at home.  She had the day off.  She
had gone out to do some shopping.  Kyra answered the phone again.  She
recognized my voice so I kept "calling" her and she'd cry for me.  She'd and
sweetie would sniff around the phone.  Sweetie also recognized my voice
as well.  I can imagine what they both looked like just staring at the phone
trying to figure out where I was!

Holly

    Re: .28
>Kyra has this thing about the phone.  She really hates to hear it ring.  I've
>got a regular rotary dial phone in the bedroom and every time it rings, she
>runs after it.  My fiance called me one time thinking that I had stayed home
>from work.  He was quite surprised that KYRA answered the phone for him!  she
>was sniffing all around the phone. Bob kept calling her name and she

    And she WHAT?
    
    K.C.

    We got one of those cordless phone/answering machines for
    Xmas.  I called and left a message for my hubby last night,
    and while checking a message he said was for me, my voice
    came on.....
    
    Pepper flew into the room, jumped on the table, stood on
    the machine, and listened intently to my voice!!!! (:
    
    L-

whoops!  Sorry!  I forgot to finish the sentence.  That's what happens when
your manager walks in on you.

I meant to say "And she meowed a few times".


Holly

I was sound asleep this a.m. when I was awakened by "voices" coming from
the kitchen.  After listening for a second, I realized it was the radio
next to the sink in the kitchen.  Being too tired to get up BEFORE my
REAL alarm went off in my room, I decided to ignore the kitchen radio.
(Right, after I'd nod off for awhile I'd wake up every so often due to
the radio station jock.)  Anyway, finally the thing shut off itself.  
    
    I knew I hadn't set it to go off automatically so how do you suppose it
    happened?  (The buttons for setting are on top of the radio, btw.)

When my REAL alarm went off and I stumbled to the kitchen (like usual) at 5:30
a.m., and getting breakfast ready for the "kids", low and behold who should 
I spot sitting on top of that kitchen radio but "Dandy"! Yup, my little 
innocent angel boy must have set the auto button with his "auto butt"!  

Ya gotta love em!   :-)

Pat
                                                                      

    Chubs has this thing for one of the bathrooms upstairs.  He spends a
    lot of time hanging out there and one of his favorite things to do is
    rub up against the wicker trash basket.  Every day, I have to pick it
    up and put the trash back in.  He's not doing it to be a brat, he does
    it to rub his face against.  Well, maybe he also does it to be a brat,
    too!  :^)

    Well, the other day after wrapping some presents, there was some pieces
    of ribbon left over that were thrown in the trash.  Five minutes later,
    I walked in the bathroom to see Chubs sprawled out across the floor
    with a pink curling ribbon strategically placed across the top of his
    head.  I don't know about humorous, but it sure was priceless!  Perhaps
    he was suggesting that he be the gift of the week. 

My Mom cut out a cartoon from last week's New Yorker...shows a lady sitting
in her living room reading and her tabby cat strolls thru the cat flap and says
"Honey, I'm home.".  I gotta get that one framed...

Mary

I received this over the internet the other day and thought it should
be posted here.  I'd swear it was written by my cat Daisy, but she 
can't concentrate on writing questionnaires since she's too busy thinking
about food!

Pam
---------------------------------

Humans:

Your cat waits and miaows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
	a) Welcome home
	b) The phone rang twice while you were out
	c) Feed me, NOW

Your cat miaows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
	a) Please don't leave me here all alone
	b) Goodbye
	c) But what if I get hungry while you're out?

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
	a) An unsupressed primal instinct
	b) A sign of affection
	c) A demand to be fed now

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
	a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
	b) Wanna go out and play
	c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?

Cats:

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
	a) It's hungry
	b) It's lost
	c) You're hungry

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
	a) supper
	b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
	c) inedible junk to be scorned in favour of what the human's got.

Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
	a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
	b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
	c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.

Staircases are for:
	a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
	b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
	c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
	d) all of the above
--
Mike Whitaker - [email protected]  | Mail reply address in headers may be
(with assistance from Sophie the cat) | broken (grr) - use the one on the left!

From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Questionnaire for humans (and their owners)
Date: 17 Dec 91 11:30:05 GMT

    
             What is the difference between a cat and a comma????
    
    
  
    
                   A cat has claws at the end of its paws
                   A comma has a pause at the end of its clause
    
    
    
    This was found in an issue of Reader's Digest. I thought it was cute
    and decided to put it in here... 
    
    
       Crys (BeeGee - who can I attack now, and Miskey - is it lunch YET???)
    

    
    
    
    Saw a wonderful poster in a catalog today.  Catalog:  "Red Rose
    Collection," published out of San Francisco, with various colorful
    designs and such.  A few pages are dedicated to Feline Friends, the
    rest is jewelry, cards, clothes, and other posters.
    
    Poster is by "Sark," and is entitled, "Cats Are Angels With Fur"
    with gorgeous illustration.  
    
    Some of the text:
    
        "Surrender. You are now entering the tunnel of cat love. It's soft,
    it's warm, it's cat-a-tonic.  Some little known cat secrets:  Cats are
    polka-dotted under their fur.  Cats love lemonade on a hot day.   Cats
    refuse to play scrabble.  Cats will pay your rent if you let them. 
    Cats have not nine lives, but two:  theirs, then yours.  Some cats make
    pay-offs to flea gangs.  C.A.T. stands for Clever Anatomical Tricks. 
    Cats know how to cozy up.  Cats sleep circular.  Cats invented naps. 
    Kiss your cat.  A furball is not a toy.  Adopt a cat ... it will take
    over your life (and you won't mind)."
    

    re: .36
    
    I saw that and thought it was great!  Then I lined the
    three of them up and asked,
    
    "So, what's this deal about you guys paying the rent if I let you?"
    
    They all chuckled quietly, but not a single check appeared! :-)
    
    Mary

    
    Panther and Spots pay the rent!?!?
    
    Boy wouldn't that be great!  But, alas, (sigh) THE FIRM has taken care
    of that once and for all.  It is stated firmly in the "Kitty Kontract"
    that all bills are the responsibility of the Kitty Parent, and that no
    matter how much the Kitty makes on her own, that the Kitty parent will
    always pay a weekly allowance.   Sigh, Poor Argus has a lot to answer
    for.
    
    Feline Silly today,
    
    Sue & Princess Panther Jane & Spots
    

    wasn't sure where to put this, but it makes me laugh so I thought it
    might fit here...It IS a question though...
    
    My youngest makes the funniest noise.  It's not annoying or anything
    except when I'm trying to fall asleep.  My oldest made that noise at
    one time, but that was when she was in heat (now she is spayed).  My 
    youngest (pookie) has been spayed so she shouldn't be going through 
    heat on a constant basis should she?  This is constant....not just 
    once or month or so....The noise is not purring, but more of a high 
    pitched purring.  While she's making the noise, she's running around,
    climbing up walls, etc.  Anyone know why?
    
    michele

    Perhaps try to consult a vet or someone who knows what that is. Maybe
    it's something that's not normal. 
    
    Nat

    re: .40 ... high-pitched purr
    
    Does it sound like chirping or gurgling?  My kittens make this sound to
    themselves.  It usually happens during playtime (at night) -- all four
    race around chirping at each other.  Sometimes they seem to be just
    muttering to themselves, and other times the chirp comes just before
    they pounce on each other -- almost like a battle cry.

    Alex "chirps"...we call it singing.
    
    K.C.

    When Kelsey purrs, I mean when he really gets happy and purrs, it has a
    high pitched whistling sound to it.  Could this be what you mean?
    

    re. last few...
    
    yes, it does sound like the same sound you are all talking about.  But
    she makes the noise when she's running around by herself.  Not when
    she's playing with the other ones.
    
    I asked the vet and they said it was behavioral related but had no
    suggestions.  Thanks!
    
    At least now I know pookie has some company with other felines making
    the same noise.
    
    michele

    Alex ONLY "sings" when she is playing by herself.  She rarely "sings"
    to Rico.
    
    K.C.

    
    Harry (the Rat) "sings" when he's between "Clucker" or "Smoochie"
    tidbits .... and wants another as he's trotting toward me ....
    
    And it ALWAYS sounds like it has a question mark at the end of it.....

    Hi,
    
     My Feendoonie LOVES those Cluckers, Smoochies and Fishies from Whisker
    Lickin's! The only thing is, I have to throw them for her, so she can
    pounce on them like prey! Sometimes they land in a shoe or the book
    case, and she remembers where they all are, and digs them out
    eventually! It's hysterical to watch this!
    
    Y

    harry (the rat) MUST have them be prey, or he's not interested at all. 
    Wumpkin, however, likes them all in a pile at her feet .... she's the
    elderly princess, you know ......
    
    harry likes raisins, also because i think HE thinks they're bugs .....
    
    did you know that some whisker lickin's come with a coupon ... staple
    five proof-of-purchase box-bottoms onto the coupon, get a free box of
    whichever flavor!

    Yup, I've gotten four or five free boxes using those coupons! The
    cashiers didn't liek it too much because it makes the coupon huge and
    stiff! They took them though! I still have a few that I'm filling up.
    
    Y

    OK, now I've seen everything.
    
    The latest from my oldest Precious...
    
    My boyfriend and I bought a 27" TV this weekend which didn't fit in our
    cabinet.  We put the tv back in the box and let the box sit there.  In
    the meantime, my three cats kept jumping on the box and playing.  (we
    didn't tape shut the cover.  Well, I noticed some styrofoam popping up
    around the house, so I decided to shut the box.  My boyfriend taped the
    box closed.  About 1 hr later, I did my usuall kitty check.  One was
    nowhere to be found.
    
    I started to panic and yelled at my boyfriend to help me find them.  He
    had told me that he had checked the box before he closed it.  I even
    went over to the box and made some noise and hit the box.  No sounds. 
    Well after about 10  more minutes of this, I untaped the box and guess
    what...my oldest was lodged down in the bottom of the box behind the
    tv.  She had jumped into the box and slipped down after the tv was
    packed.  I felt so bad because Precious is so scared of everything as
    it is.  She must have so scared in that box that she didn't move. 
    That's what she does when she's frightened.  If it were any of the
    other cats, they would have been scratching to get out.  
    
    Gee, it makes me wonder and be REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEal careful for
    now on!!!!
    
    Michele
           

.51 reminds me of the time that we got up in the morning, came down to
the kitchen, and standing BEHIND the glass window over the dinette is...
Bailey.  Apparently he was sitting in the window during the night,
and it slid down over him, and he stood up, allowing it to close completely,
pinning him between the window and the screen!

Who knows how long the poor guy had to stand there during the night!
That window has never fallen any other time since then.  I wonder if he 
was playing with a bug or something and pulled it down himself.


bill

    re: .52
    
    My Winston lives for situations such as that.  He would have had that
    screen off and been off in a flash to the great outdoors (in which he
    has never been allowed to roam free).
    
    Jo

    Today's Sylvia cartoon:
    
    
    Two cats in picture holding signs with writing on them.  Person not 
    shown in picture says:  Hi guys, what's up?
    
    1st cat's sign:  	We're going to clean our kitty litter...
    2nd cat's sign:  	ourselves, from now on.
    
    Next frame:
    
    Person says		What are the chances of this really happening?
    
    1st cat's sign:	Same as the likelihood that we become...
    2nd cat's sign:	the first cats on the moon.
    
    
    Jan

    re:  .52
    
    Bill,
    
    This is a similar situation I had....and I felt so bad I made my dad
    cut me 15" lengths of wood, which I keep between the window and screen.
    Whenever I put the window up, I put this piece of wood vertical between
    the sill and bottom of the window, thus insuring it will never fall and
    trap my "kids" or worse --- fall on their backs (I have 84" windows!!).
    
    Nancy

    
    	yesterday's `Bizarro' cartoon - Man kneeling on floor waving
    	a plumed fan over a cat reclining on a small couch, and a woman
    	in the background is telling someone else `Somehow the cat has
    	convinced him that she was Nefertiti in another life'. 

    A birthday card I received the other day ...
    
    Across the bottom of the card it says Dog Birthdays
    
    ...in the picture are a bunch of dogs at a birthday party -- complete
    with party hats, balloons, a cake, and cocktails.  Rushing through
    the door is a dog holding a cat out at arm's length...the party dogs
    are all cheering ... "Aw Right!!  It's Pinata time!"
    
    Jo-Ann

    new card I saw in a Hallmark store (Shoebox grettings)
    Picture of cat using an old adding machine.  Cloud coming from cat that
    says High priced foods.... expensive toys.... new brush ... cute travel
    box....
    	On the bottom of the card it says "a cat figures out hwo much it
    can suck from its owners paycheck"

    A card that I got LAST year for my birthday.
    
    Front:  Why don't cats get birthday presents??
    Inside:  Because they already think they own everything!!
    
    And a card that I gave to a friend for her birthday:
    
    Front:  Wouldn't it be nice to be like a cat and have nine lives??
    Inside:  Of course, then we'd have to poop in a box and eat cheap tuna
    	     all our lives! 
    
    hahah!
    
    Holly
    
    
    

[Headers removed]
    
>From the San Jose Mercury News, Monday afternoon 1 July 1985:

                Cats scratched from Boston jury

  You've heard of a kangaroo court.  Now from the Massachusetts Office of
the Jury Commissioner comes the feline jury.

  David Christian's pets, Cat Mousam and Leo A. Longfellow, took on new
identities in the Boston Election Department.  The department, which
compiles the census, had fabricated entire identities for Mousam and
her "stepbrother" cat, Longfellow, whose name was also listed on Christian's
door.

  Mousam, said to be born in 1956, and Longfellow, born in 1953, were both
listed as nurses.

  Registrar of Voters Charles Scordino said the department uses meter maids,
crossing guards, and off-duty police officers to take the census, and said
if voters aren't home, their names are often taken off doors and mailboxes.

  "Evidently, someone made a mistake somewhere," said Scordino.

  Christian, the cats' owner, figures the jury list was made up after city
census takers took the cats' names off his front door.

  "It's not going to reflect on the Elections Commission over there.  It's
going to reflect on us.  We're going to look stupid summoning a cat," said
Francine Thomas, secretary to the State Jury Commissioner.

  Cat Mousam was in fact ordered to report for jury duty Aug. 7.  But she
has since been taken off the jury list.

  "It's funny, they didn't disqualify her because she was a cat," said
Christian, 40, a psychiatric social worker.  "They disqualified her because
she can't speak English."

    This isn't about my cat, but my nieces' Korat, Crystal.
    
    Crystal is my nieces' first cat (my niece is 21 yrs old). Last Friday
    I called her and she said that Crystal had her up at 5:30 a.m.! Crystal
    was running around the room, jumping onto things, off of things, under
    the bed, over the bed! My niece turned the light on and here's Crystal
    with a MOUSE under her paws! My niece jumps up on the bed, screams, and
    in comes my mother, wondering what is going on! Crystal at this point
    is still going balistic! My niece yells and tells Crystal no, (right,
    you can tell my niece isn't used to cats!) and Crystal looks at her,
    still stalking the mouse! She said that Crystal looked like a horse
    being drawn to water! There's also a Tokyo cage in the bedroom, and the
    mouse ran under it. Crystal starts pushing the cage around the room
    trying to get the mouse! Finally, the mouse ran under the door, and
    under the basement door. The rest of the day, I'm sure you know,
    Crystal is searching the house for the mouse!
    
    The mouse is probably in the basement with it's heart beating, and
    blood pressure up!
    
    Cheryl

    
    hahah!  That'a a riot, Cheryl!!
    
    Now here's a story about something that happened last night.
    
    I was the only one home last night, so I decided to just have a
    tunafish sandwich for dinner.  I opened up the tunafish and Kyra was
    standing at my feet. Evidentally she thought that the canopener was
    opening her food.  
    
    I made a mistake at this point.  I took a bit of tuna out of the can
    and gave it to her (just a small flake).  Well, she decided that she
    really liked it and jumped up on the counter to get more!  I pushed her
    away once and she went right back to it.  I pushed her away again and
    she just looked at me with this auful look with her ears back (as if to
    say, "Mommy!  I want some!!!").  WEll, she finally jumped down.  
    
    I went to throw the can away and turned around and there she was again,
    eating the tunafish!  I pushed her away and again she wasn't phased.  I
    pushed her away again and she got a MAD look at me and swatted my hand
    with her paw!  
    
    Well of course, you KNOW that I finally gave in and gave her a bit more
    tuna!!
    
    The things we put up with!!
    
    Holly
    
    

    Yep, Robbie LOVES tuna, and would eat the can if I let him!
    
    That reminds me when I was experimenting to see if P.A. and Robbie like
    Cheez-Whiz (the cheese in a can, that I don't care too much for!).
    Well, at first they weren't sure about it, but then it was like the
    best thing they had ever eaten! I would squeeze some on the lid and
    feed it to one, and then trade. Talk about smart, while I was giving
    P.A. her portion, Robbie starting licking the dispenser! So here I am
    dispensing cheese into Robbie's mouth, and P.A. licking cheese off the
    lid! They didn't care HOW they got it in their mouths, just as long as
    they got it!
    
    (BTW: Robbie's granddaddy is Jaltari's Jazz Singer, and boy does he
    look like him in the face!)
    
    Cheryl

    I thought you all might get a kick out of this; although, some of you
    may have already seen it.
    
    Best,
    Michelle
    
          <<< TRUCKS::DISK$USER72:[NOTES$LIBRARY]VILLAGE_INN.NOTE;1 >>>
                      -< walk right in, chill right out >-
================================================================================
Note 4.34                            gailann                            34 of 62
RDGE60::NAIKG "Man with the Eastern Charm"          173 lines  10-JUN-1992 11:53
                        -< Are your cats intelligent?? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some of you might have seen this.  Just found it from my archives.  It's a
I.Q. test for cats.  Heather your Tomcats will certainly fail.

girish





	The following IQ test was devised on the same basis as the human IQ 
test at Rhode Island University, by the Clyde Byrd memorial laboratory. 
Already it has been established (by other American universities) the average 
cat is much too smart for the poor pooch. If you're unconvinced, put old 
Rover through the IQ test too.

SCORING:

	Award your pet one point for each (a) answer, four points for each 
(b), seven points for each (c), and ten points for each (d).

Rating: 149-170: Genius.
        127-148: Highly intelligent.
        105-126: Average/bright.
         82-104: Average.
         60-81 : Below average.
         39-59 : Moderately retarded.
         17-38 : Are you sure it's not a dog?



THE TEST:

1. At food time does your cat respond to:

(a) The sound of food clattering into its dish.
(b) The sound of the can opening or the packet tearing.
(c) The sound of you announcing dinner.
(d) The sound of you approaching feeding area.


2. In the presence of an insect, rodent or small bird does your cat:

(a) Stare blankly.
(b) Follow movement.
(c) Bat playfully.
(d) Kill and present prey.


3. When your cat relieves itself, it:

(a) Does so indiscriminately.
(b) Uses several litter trays.
(c) Uses a single tray or uses cat-flap to garden.
(d) Usesd and flushes toilet.


4. When you bring out the carrier you normally use to transport your cat, it:

(a) Enters it.
(b) Ignores it.
(c) Shies away.
(d) Bolts and hides.


5. Now place your cat inside the carrier. It:

(a) Remains passive.
(b) Scratches and cries.
(c) Tries to unfasten door.
(d) Escapes from the carrier.


6. When confronted with a cat of the opposite sex, your (unnewtered) cat:

(a) Looks the other way.
(b) Sniffs, investigates.
(c) Moans and yowls.
(d) Attempts intimacy.


7. Your cat's favourite hiding place is:

(a) An open box.
(b) Under the kitchen table.
(c) In a closet.
(d) You've never been able to find out.


8. Your cat prefers to eat:

(a) Any slop.
(b) Its own food.
(c) Its own game.
(d) Stolen items from the fridge or cupboard.


9. Put a record or CD on the stereo. Your cat:

(a) Acts acutely deaf.
(b) Flattens ears.
(c) Swishes tail.
(d) Moves in rhythm.


10. When a non-family member enters the house:

(a) Ignores the entrance.
(b) Reacts favourably, purrs.
(c) Reacts with hostility.
(d) Reacts differently to different people.


11. Run an inch of water in the bath and place the cat in a baking dish in 
the middle. When your cat is marooned it will:

(a) Stand passively.
(b) Step through water to safety.
(c) Jump to safety.
(d) Will not allow itself to be marooned in the first place.


12. In order to wake you up, your cat:

(a) Miaows quietly.
(b) Knocks things over.
(c) Sits on your head or chest.
(d) Turns on the TV.


13. Place your cat in front of a mirror. It proceeds to:

(a) Look up, down - everywhere but at the mirror.
(b) Show interest in the reflection.
(c) Scratch the reflection.
(d) Look behind the mirror for another cat.


14. When you're preparing to use the vacuum cleaner, your cat:

(a) Is underfoot.
(b) Is under stress.
(c) Is under the bed.
(d) Convinces you to use carpet sweeper instead.


15. Get down on all fours, bark loudly and bare your teeth. Your cat:

(a) Scrambles frantically to top of nearest chair.
(b) Fluffs up to look larger.
(c) Looks questioningly at you.
(d) Yawns.


16. Your cat usually does the following while you're watching Tom and Jerry 
cartoons:

(a) Miaows at random.
(b) Climbs on top of the set for a closer look.
(c) Biffs the mouse.
(d) Switches to another channel.


17. Place some tidbits under a paper cup and put down two more empty cups. 
Try to get your cat's attention as you jumble the cups. Your cat:

(a) Ignores the little game.
(b) Knocks over wrong cup.
(c) Knocks over right cup.
(d) Makes you feel guilty and foolish for wasting its food.



                                *     *     *
    

     I have a black and white cat--named Boots, real original I know--who
    will turn on the alarm/clock radio on purpose.  I've seen him do it. 
    He doesn't randomly walk on the radio, he sit's next to it and reaches
    over with his paw and hits the correct button.  I've also seen him
    reset the time and the alarm.  He also turns off the answering machine. 
    Makes life very interesting, I can't believe that the time is right
    when I look at the alarm in the middle of the night.  :-))  
    
    He'll also change the channel on the T.V. when we're watching something
    that doesn't strike his fancy.  I have to hide the remote control when
    we're watching a movie.  
    
    Candy

    What a kitty....I bet there were many mornings you overslept
    because the clock has been changed by some adorable furface.
    
    My mom had a cat that use to answer the phone.   Anytime the phone
    rang you would see Mom and Taffy both running to try and reach it
    first!!  Anytime I called and Mom wasn't home....I'd hear the cat
    pick up the reciever and toss it on the floor.  We had many great
    conversations....but Mom always had to remember to check the phone
    once she got home.  He was a great kitty...god rest his sole!!
    
    Sandy

	One of my mail order catalogs had a print done by "San Francisco 
	artist SARK" and I thought you might find the words amusing (and 
	sometimes true).  Enjoy!


        		Cats are angels with fur.  
	Surrender.  You are now entering the  tunnel of cat love.  It's 
	soft, it's warm, it's cat-a-tonic.  Some little known cat secrets: 
	Cats are polka dotted under their fur.  Cats love lemonade on a 
	hot day.  Cats refuse to play scrabble.  Cats will pay your rent 
	if you let them.  Cats have not nine lives, but two: theirs, then 
	yours.  Some cats make pay offs to flea gangs.  C.A.T stands for 
	Clever Anatomical Tricks.  Cats know how to cozy up.  Cats sleep 
	circular.  Cats invented naps.  Kiss your cat.  A fur ball is not 
	a toy.  Adopt a cat... it will take over your life (and you won't 
	mind).




Jan

    Hi -
    
    I got a Christmas card entitled: 
    
    			How Cats See a Christmas Tree
    
    The picture on the front is of a cat looking at a fully decorated
    Christmas tree. The star on the top is labeled "500 points."
    
    Various decorations are labeled:
    
    	Claw this
    	Swat this
    	Pull here
    	Paw me
    	Bite
    	Bat this
    	Hit me
    
    And finally, the cloth covering the tree stand is labeled, "Crawl under
    here. Fun! Fun!" 
    
    Kate
    

   All that we had this year was a 2 foot ceramic Christmas tree. We were afraid
that we would even come home and find this on the floor but that did not happen.
We did come home one day and the wife asked what happened to the star on the
top of the tree. Well we still have not found out what he did with it and
knowing him he could have carried it off anyplace.

		/Ken

    A friend of mine recently sent me a very funny cartoon.
    
    A couple is sitting in a marriage counsellor's office.  The husband is
    sitting in the chair with his arms folded across his chest and a very
    disgusted look on his face.  Next to him is his wife... with a cat on
    her head, two attached to her sides, and one in her lap.
    
    The caption reads (the marriage counsellor speaking to the couple)....
    
    			Don't tell me...Let me guess...
    
    Well, I liked it, because it depicted a scenario from my own marriage!!
    Only I left the cats at home!!
    
    :^)
    
    -Roberta

    
    I saw a really cute cartoon last week that fit my hime life purrfectly.
    
    A couple are sitting in bed.  There are cats on the bed, the floor and
    everywhere to be seen.  The wife says to her husband..
    
    "Honey, I'm cold can you put on another two cats?"

    I saw another cute one:
    
    Wife is sitting in living room, husband is holding open door
    while cat trots in.  Several other cats are occupying
    spots around the room.  Caption:
    
    "Honey, did you join the Cat-of-the-Month Club?"
    
    Mary-Michael

    This is a true story from John Carroll's column - I read it in the
    Asheville paper over ten years ago now - so it's definitely not
    verbatim, but here's the jist of it as memory serves.
    
    A couple was getting ready to go on vacation. They'd just finished
    packing the car, and were going to drop their cat at the vet on their
    way out of town.  But the cat sensed something amiss, and when the
    husband went to catch him to put him in the carrier, the cat dashed out
    the door and raced to the top of a tree. Now the tree was tall enough
    for the cat to be well out of reach, but thin enough that a person
    couldn't possibly climb it.  After spending a good bit of time trying
    to coax the cat out of the tree, the husband had an idea.  He went into
    the garage and brought out a thick rope.  He tied one end of the rope
    as high up around the tree as he could reach.  He then tied the other
    end of the rope to the bumper of the car.  His wife hopped in and began
    to pull the car forward.  The rope pulled taut, and the tree began to
    bend down, with the cat clinging near the top.  The wife continued to
    inch the car forward and the tree continued to bend down further and
    further. The cat was almost within reach. The husband said "Pull
    forward just once more; I've almost got him." The wife just touched the
    accelerator when THWANGGG! the rope broke.  The tree snapped forward
    and away went the cat. Up, up, up, over the top of the trees, away over
    the supermarket, over the school and on out of sight.  
    
    The couple, looking on in disbelief, immediately postponed their vacation
    and went in search of their cat.  They headed out and searched
    everywhere up to two and three blocks away, but there was no sign of
    him.
    
    Later in the week, the wife stopped in the supermarket to pick up a few
    things and noticed a friend who lived five blocks away loading her cart
    with cat food.  She knew the friend hadn't had a pet, so on a hunch,
    she went over to question her.  Her friend responded "The strangest thing
    happened.  My husband was out in the garden and I just put my head out
    the door to call him, when a cat came flying down out of the sky and
    landed right in front of him. He looked around and said 'Why Martha,
    the Lord's sent us a cat!"
    
    :-) Rebecca 

    trying to picture this honestly happening is really funny!
    I take it poor kitty didn't get hurt thank heavens!

    I'm sorry, but I am in my office in STITCHES thinking about this!!  
    
    Bahahahahahah!!!!!  (poor kitty!!!  Sounds like he was ok, though).
    
    HOlly
    

    A friend recently TFSO'd (sniff!) and left me his daily calendar of cat
    humor.  Two that I thought you'd all appreciate :
    #1:
    
    Man and woman sitting on a couch, with a cat draped over each of their
    faces.
    Woman sitting opposite the cat-draped couple : "Just let me know if
    they are bothering you."
    
    #2:
    Woman sitting on couch with 7 cats all lounged out asleep (one on the
    back of the couch, 4 curled up together, one on the arm, one on it's
    back on the floor at her feet)
    Title at the top of the cartoon " CAT OBEDIENCE SCHOOL "
    Woman says : "Sleep!"
    
    Sarah

From: [email protected] (Dave Barry)
Subject: HERE ARE SOME EXCITING DEVELOPMENTS IN CAT CARE
Date: Mon, 22 Mar 93 12:05:49 PST

DAVE BARRY
	Today's animal topic is: Cat Care
	Over the years, many cat-lovers have asked me: ``Dave, how come you
never write about cats? Is it because you don't LIKE cats? Is it because
cats are vicious, unprincipled household parasites that will stroll up
to the person who has fed them for 17 years and, without provocation,
claw this person's shin flesh into lasagna? Is it because they are lazy,
ungrateful, hairball-spewing ... HEY! These aren't cat-lover quotations!
You're making these quotations up!''
	OK, so I do not harbor a great fondness for cats. But I intend to
change my ways, because I sincerely, in my heart, want to cash in on the
wave of Cat Mania that is sweeping the nation. The cause of this wave
is, of course, the Clinton family cat, Socks Rodham Clinton, who was
recently confirmed as Official White House Pet following lengthy Senate
hearings in which it was determined that he had never knowingly employed
illegal aliens. (Socks did, in his youth, experiment with catnip but he
did not inhale.)
	So today I'm going to report some exciting developments in cat care.
I'm not making these developments up; they were all brought to my
attention by alert, cat-loving readers such as Sharon Boltz, who sent me
a newspaper advertisement for: the Cat Tub. This is a cat-washing
device, and it's about time somebody invented one, because if you have
ever attempted to wash a cat by hand, you are dumber than you look.
	The Cat Tub ad has a photograph of a cat sitting inside a wire
basket; the cat's head and front paws are sticking out the top, through
a loose collar. The basket has been submerged, up to the cat's neck, in
a clear plastic cylinder filled with water. There's a hose attached to a
kitchen faucet so that water circulates around the cat, like a washing
machine. You just KNOW how much the cat is enjoying this. The cat is
staring at the camera, clearly thinking: ``Somehow, someday, I am going
to evolve to the point where I can order a handgun by mail and GET EVEN
with the person who invented this.''
	I called up this person, a San Diego architectural draftsman named
Brad Davis, who told me that he invented the Cat Tub five years ago for
his cat, Juan, when he (Juan) developed a flea problem.
	``I had to bathe him a lot, and it was VERY difficult,'' he said.
``Cats go ballistic when you put them in water. And they have claws.''
	(I just want to note for the record that dogs NEVER scratch you when
you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they
did wrong.)
	Davis said that the Cat Tub restrains the cat ``very humanely,'' so
that it has no choice but to sit there and get clean and hate you.
Although Davis claims that most cats seem to adjust.
	``OK, they don't LOVE it,'' he said. ``But they TOLERATE it.''
	Anyway, I think this is a terrific sanitation concept, which might
someday be adapted for use with larger hard-to-bathe species such as
cows, horses and my son. The Cat Tub retails for $59.95; for more
information, write to 2445 Juan St., San Diego, Calif. 92110. Operators,
in the form of Brad Davis, are standing by.
	Another new wrinkle in cat hygiene was brought to my attention by
Patricia Southward, who mailed me a newspaper article concerning a
senior-citizen talent show in Sanford, Fla. The show featured an act by
a woman named Harriett Boyd, her cat ``Streaky,'' and her small dog. The
article, by Mark Barfield, states:
	``The little dog ran around the stage while Boyd held the cat draped
over her shoulder, made it sit and stay on a stand while she walked away
and vacuumed it.
	``Yes, she vacuumed the cat, to its obvious pleasure. She rubbed the
roaring attachment over the cat's back while it stretched in luxurious
appreciation.''
	Needless to say, this act won the silver talent medal. I would not be
surprised to see your big international stars such as Michael Jackson
vacuuming cats on stage while a little dog (played by Marky Mark) runs
around.
	Anyway, let's say you have washed and vacuumed your cat, and now
you'd like to give it a nice meal. But let's say, for one reason or
another, your cat has no teeth. In this case you will want to purchase a
product featured in an advertisement sent in by Ellen Feehan. The
advertisement has a picture of a scientific-looking device, next to
which is the following headline, which I swear I am not making up:
	``Only the Polytron reduces an entire mouse to a soup-like homogenate
in 30 seconds.''
	Like most people, I have always yearned for such a capability, so I
called the manufacturer, Brinkmann Instruments, and spoke with a
customer-service representative named Jeanette. She told me that the
Polytron is used for laboratory-sample preparation by the scientific
community, which is constantly striving to achieve important
breakthroughs in mankind's ability to do stuff to mice.
	``It's kind of like a very strong food processor,'' she said.
	I asked her if any cat-owners had bought Polytrons so they could
provide their pets with nutritious Liquid Mouse Treats, and she said she
didn't think so, because the basic model costs over $4,000. This is a
lot of money for the average civilian, but your more affluent cat-loving
individuals and institutions could easily afford a Polytron. I
understand that the White House has ordered six.
	
	(C) 1993 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

    And for you baseball fans :
    
    Picture of a woman sitting in a box seat at a baseball game, with a cat
    by her side.  The cat is leaning over the edge of the wall, and
    coughing. Two baseball players walking by the woman and the cat.
    
    "She's the owner's cat, and on Opening Day she always throws out the
    first furball".
    
    Sarah

    I saw a cute cartoon the other day that had me in stitches:
    
    Picture a man pulling his kitty out of the toilet tank.  Kitty
    is wearing scuba gear.
    
    Man says to kitty "It's OK, Fluffy.  The landlord is gone."
    
    ha ha!!

    
    I saw the cutest T-shirt in a magazine the other day.  At the top it
    says "All I need to know about life I learned from my cat"
    Then there is a drawing of a big yellow Tom and below him it says:
    
    When in doubt, cop and attitude
    
    Climb your way to the top - that's why the drapes are there
    
    Always give generously - a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells
    them "I care"
    
    When you go out in the world remember - being placed on a pedastal is a
    RIGHT, not a privilege.
    
    :^)
    

    Tax time humor :
    
    April 15
    
    1040 tax form on a desk, cat sitting on the desk reading the form: 
    
    "Why, that scoundrel has listed me as a DEPENDENT."
    
    Sarah
    (funny, until I got two cats I never really new the meaning of the word
    INDEPENDENT!!!)       
    

    The T-shirt one made me remember that a girl in my building was wearing
    a t_shirt with a great big kitty on it, and underneath it said,
    
    
    I've tried Catnip, but I didn't inhale!
    
    
    I love it!

    
    Where is that T-shirt.  I MUST HAVE IT!!!!  (she says in her most
    materialistic voice)
    
    What magazine?
    
    Thanks,
    
    Nancy

    Nancy,
    
    You can probably find it from the "Official Socks The Cat Fan Club"
    (Yes, there is such a thing!).  I've got a t-shirt from them of "Socks"
    playing the saxaphone and it says "I found my thrill ... on Capital
    Hill". (-:  I think they had that other shirt as well.  
    
    They'll be at the show in Worcester in June. Not sure where they'll be
    before then.
    
    Holly

    Holly, I like that Socks one even Better!  I'm in stitches over here.
    I will definitely be making it to the Worcester show to pick one up.
    
    N

    Someone gave me a tee shirt with a Kliban cat on top a PC with a front
    paw dangling down (Cat facing the PC screen).
    
    "Cat wants a mouse"  - Just like so many cats I know!

    I saw 2 cute cartoons in the funnies today.
    
    1. Family Circus. The little boy is watching a big worm and 2 small
    worms, and says, "A caterpillar and two little kittenpillars!"
    
    2. Pickles.  First box - a cat is stalking and thinking "My ancestors
    used to hunt and kill their own food."  Second box - woman is putting
    bowl with food down for cat, and cat is thinking - "Of course, today we
    have servants to do that sort of thing." Third box - "Still sometimes I
    can't help but wonder what a LIVE Tender Vittle looks like."
    
    
    Steffi

    
    Driving home last week (South 101 in San Jose, CA.) I saw a car
    with the license plate  "12 PAWS".   There were these little paw
    print decals from the license plate up the back end of the car.
    I counted 9 prints, but I'm sure the others must have been on the roof
    or the hood :^)  I bet the back of my car looked just like that...
    
    I wonder - is the driver a noter in this file????
    
    Becky
    

    I have my cattery name on my license plate.  Since my cattery name is
    Mysinhs, I get a lot of comments about the plate.  Most people who ask
    are let down when I explain that it's just my cattery name. :')
    
    I once had a woman motion for me to roll down my window in traffic, and
    when I did, she said "shame, shame on you!!" :')
    
    Jo

    
    Jo, 
    
    I must have seen your husband on the road last Friday night
    cause it was a black car with the license plate MYSINHS!  I think
    I have seen the car before but never made the connection.  Someday
    you'll notice someone waving at you in traffic and it will be me!
    
    Becky
                                                                    

    Yep, that must have been him.  It's a black Honda Accord LXI hatchback
    with gold wheels.  He drops me off at WRO1 and then drives to work in
    Fremont.  He's an outside salesperson for a printed circuit board
    company so he spends his days driving all around the area.
    
    Jo

    Does anyone recognize my personal name from the comics a few weeks
    ago??
    
    It was "Mother Goose and Grim".  Mother Goose was sitting on a chair
    with her cat (can't remember the cat's name) on her lap.  The next few
    frames showed the cat all of the sudden going crazy and zooming all
    over the room.
    
    Tha last frame has Mother Goose saying "That must be a new Cat Record. 
    Zero to nuts in 4 seconds!" (-:
    
    I loved it!!
    
    Holly
    

    Yes, I recognize it.  I got a kick out of that cartoon, too.
    
    Steffi

    
    
    	Yup!  got a few giggles out of me!
    

    Yup, I recognised the line, too.  My husband always says there is
    something "Wrong" with the cats when they do the  "Mr. Crusher, Warp 9, 
    engage" (from Start Trek : The Next Generation).  I showed him the comic 
    just to prove that other cats do it, too.  My dogs, however, cannot
    read the comic, so they are firmly convinced that the cats need some
    professional help : )
    Sarah  

    Here's a Sylvia from Monday's paper.
    
    First box: "Good morning, Boys...You're looking cheerful, What's up?"
    The 2 cats holding signs: "We can do a trick that will get us all...on
    the Letterman show."  
    
    2nd box: "Wow! No kidding?  What is it?"  The 2 cats: "We can make a
    big dog...Disappear."
    
    3rd box: "The dog?  What have you done with Bill?"  The 2 cats: Fame
    and Fortune...always demand sacrifice."
    
    Steffi 

re .96
Is this in the Boston Globe? I've got to have this! This reminds me
EXACTLY of my two cats relation to the household dog
(a rather beleagured Doberman Pinscher). I think my
cube mates really think I've lost it laughing this hard over a note!

Thanks,
Keith

    Sylvia is in the San Jose Mercury News.  (At least that's where I find
    her).  I'm sure she is in many other papers.  I hope you can find find
    in your area.
    
    Steffi

I saw this in a co-worker's cube and thought it was hysterical:

First box:  "Hi Guys"
The two cats holding up signs; first sign says, "It's a cat thing".  
Second sign says, "You wouldn't understand".

Second box:  "What do you mean, "A cat thing"?  What have you done?"  First
cat's sign, "It was over very quickly".  Second cat's sign, "He didn't suffer."

Third box:  "You did something to the goldfish again!  That's it!  There'll
never be another fish in this house."  First cat's sign, "He would have 
wanted you to go on,"  Second cat's sign, "and buy another little fishy".
                            

    This one is called "Non Sequitur" by Wiley.  There is a drawing of a
    man on the sofa reading and talking to the woman who is standing next
    to the sofa with 5 cats in the room.  One cat is stretching on the
    woman, another cat is rubbing against her and the others are rolling on
    the floor near by.  The man says: "Yes, I know they're completely
    devoted to you, and, no, I don't think that makes you a cult leader."
    
    Steffi

    This cartoon is called "Pickles".  There are 4 boxes, each one shows
    the cat on the floor next to a man's legs.  The cat is doing the
    *talking*.  1st box: "No one can resist petting a big furry pussycat
    like me."  2nd box:  "Especially when I rub up against their leg and
    purr..."  3rd box:  Cat is looking up at man (who has not petted cat). 
    4th Box:  Cat grabs man's leg with claws and paw, and *says* "How dare
    you resist?!"  Man says "Yeow!"
    
    Steffi

    3 cats draped all over an overstuffed chair.  Caption :
    
    " I'm feeling kind of tired. I only got 21 hours of sleep yesterday."
    

    
    
    	bwwahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!
    
    	that's a hoot!
    

    Sign in Atlanta Zoo over the big cat's cages --- Do you realize these
    cats average 20-22 hours of sleep in 24?  My grandson remarked,  Gran,
    they haven't met TaiTai have they?  Tai rouses himself to eat,
    occasionally greet you at the door, and investigate strange noises that
    go bump in the night.  Otherwise he's snoozing on your lap, in the sun,
    or in the middle of the bed.  Some days I bet it's more than 22.  But
    he's still a love.

    In a "thought bubble" over a reclining cat's head -
    
    Cat Long-Range Planning :
    
    "I'll eat, I'll chase my shadow, and I'll look at the chair leg for a
    while. Then, maybe, I'll take a snooze."
    
    Sarah            

    I'm a first time "noter", so hope I do this right.
    
    I was digging something out of my freezer the other day and a few
    minutes later missed my cat Tigger.  I asked my husband if he had seen
    Tigger come into the living room, and he said he hadn't.  I opened the
    freezer door, and there was Tigger, calming nosing around at all the
    food and totally unconcerned that he had been locked in.
    
    Kind of gives new meaning to the phrase "Cool Cat"!!!
    
    							Marilyn

    A friend just dropped off a page from the Far Side calendar that had me
    roaring!
    
    Picture:
    
     A cat lying on the chaise in a shrinks office.
    
     Caption:
    
    	"I'm starting to feel dependent."
    
    Cracked me up!
    
    Yonee

	I have a cat that spends most of his time outdoors and comes 
home once in a while to eat and take a mid day snooze on my bed. He has 
been doing this for several years and I often wondered what he did when 
it rained or snowed because if we tried to keep him in at night he would 
start meowing at about 3 AM until we let him out.

	Last winter I backed out of my garage without opening the 
garage door :*(. I have a trailer hitch mounted on my bumper and it made 
a hole in the door about one foot from the floor and about 6 inches in 
diameter. I thought that I would fix the hole some day but since the 
garage is unheated it was not on the top of my things to do list.

	It did not take Whiskers ( my cat's name ) long to find the hole 
and to learn that it was a convenient way to come in out of the bad 
weather. He would usually sleep on the warm hood of my car or on the 
floor.

	The other day I bought a recliner chair to replace the worn out 
cloth one that was in my living room. I put the old recliner in the garage
until I could get rid of it. The next morning we found Whiskers sound asleep
on the recliner. I guess we won't be disposing of the chair of fixing the 
hole in the door.

			Arnie
    

    This is a Pickles cartoon.  There are 4 panels.
    
    1. Picture of the toilet with dog standing on seat and head in the
    bowl lapping water.  Cat is sitting on the tank top thinking "hmmm.."
    
    2. same picture.  Cat thinking "Should I or shouldn't I?"
    
    3. Same picture. Cat pushes the flush handle down.  
    
    4. FLUSH! Dog's tail and legs spinning around the toilet seat and cat
    thinking "I love easy decisions."
    
    
    Steffi
    
    

    re 108 i love cats they adopt great be careful hole edge does not hurt cat
    excuse no interpunctuation no keyboard here just switchboard dunno ascii
    only for letters luv nat
              

    Did anyone see these?
    
    yesterday's Arlo and Janis:
    
    1st panel:
    Arlo asks for a glass of water
    2nd panel:
    he explains he'd get it, but cat is asleep in his lap
    3rd panel: 
    Janis looks in his lap, Arlo's hand on cat
    4th
    cat doesn't look happy
    Janis: "He's not asleep! You're holding him down!"
    
    
    today's Arlo and Janis
    1.  Arlo walks up to sofa with cat curled up asleep on back.
    2.  Sits down and says "Ahem"
    3.  Cat still sleeping
    4.  last panel, cat looks up, sleepily.  Arlo: "Remember coming into
    	our bedroom at four this morning?"
    

    That reminds me of the one I have hanging in my office!
    
    It's called Real Life Adventures
    
    Shows a formerly sleeping cat, with it's eyes WIDE open
    a guy on his hands and knees yelling, "HEY, YOU, GET UP!"
    
    Caption: For pure, sweet revenge, go wake up your cat in the middle of
    the day for no reason at all!
    
    M-L

    From the "Pickles" cartoon in 12/7/93 San Jose Mercury News:
    
    
    Cat sitting on porch looking up at door.  Snow is falling all around.
    
    Meow!	Translation:  "Hey! Let me in!  It's snowing out here!"
    
    MEOW!	Translation:  "Let me in or I'll become mean and surly
    		               and shred your furniture."
    
    
    Cat still sitting on porch in snow, looks towards reader:
    
    Meow.	Translation:  "No, wait.  I'm already mean and surly
    		               and I've already shredded the furniture."
    
    
    Cat still sitting on porch in snow, looks back towards door:
    
    Meow.	Translation:  "Rats! I knew I should've kept a 
                               bargaining chip!"
    
    
    Jan

    In the San Francisco Cronicle there is a cartoon called "Bizarro" and
    the topics are usually bizarre.  In this cartoon there is a picture of
    a cat sitting on the windowsill looking out.  There is a burglar in the
    yard with a flashlight shining on a sign which says:
    
    WARNING: Everything on these premises is covered with cat hair.
    
    Steffi
    
    (Actually that cartoon was not that bizarre at all, is it?)  My LN03
    printer at work gets cat hair caught in the roller and periodically has
    to be cleaned.  Now how in the world would cat hair get in my office?
    ;)

     >>	Now how in the world would cat hair get in my office?

    The same way it gets to my desk, I wouldn't mind betting!
    
    Scenario:
    
    Get dressed neatly for work, feed cats (who are rubbing happily against
    my legs and leaving hairs on my tights/trousers).
    Sitting down to have a morning cup of tea and getting hairs from the
    chair onto my skirt/trousers).
    Leave for work, first picking up each cat for a last kiss and cuddle
    (getting blouse/jacket covered with ginger and black hairs).
    
    I DO vacuum regularly, but the cats moult faster!

    seen in Boston Globe (forget the comic name)
    
    tree with about 10 ropes/wire tied to it going off in all directions
    attatched to walls and ceiling. Crazed looking person with hammer
    talking to someone else...
    
    caption: Well, the cats won't be knocking the tree down this year!

    I saw this Pickles cartoon yesterday in the San Jose Mercury.
    
    1st picture: Woman- "Please try a bite, Muffy.  This catfood cost $5 a
    can."  Cat sitting and looking distainful: "Maybe later".
    
    2nd picture: Cat: "The relationship between a cat and its humans is a
    mutually beneficial partnership."
    
    3rd picture: Cat, stretching and yawning: "They agree to provide
    everything my heart desires.....and I agree to let them."
    
    Steffi

  (Mods: if there is a better place for this, please feel free to move it)

    This is reprinted without permission from: Good Housekeeping March '94
    issue, but GH gives credit to the book "CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS"
    by Missy Dizick. She wrote an earlier book "Dogs are better than
    Cats", but "after taking another look and carefully considering all
    the evidence, she's reversed her field. These samples from her new book
    show why..."

    (What follows are 2 columns of cartoonish drawings with text underneath
    them.)


            Cat Column                                  Dog Column
        -----------------                       -------------------------
    Picture: 3 cats waiting outside       Picture: Dog fetching a paper to
             a mousehole in a wall           a human in a chair & there is
                                             already a large mound of papers
                                             & slippers.
    Text: Cats appreciate that life       Text: Dogs fetch.
          brings things in time.


    Picture: 7 cats crawling all over     Picture: Cats on kitchen counter
          kitchen counter/cabinets,          pushing food to dogs that are
          getting into the plant, a          waiting on floor for hand-outs.
	  plate of sausage, the curtain
	  cord, faucet....
    Text: Cats can get things for         Text: Dogs need help.
	  themselves.

    Picture: 8 cats on various parts      Picture: People washing/grooming a
          of a couch washing themselves      poodle, with several other dogs
          with a sign on the wall that       looking like they are in hair-
          says "when in doubt, wash!"        dryer bonnets.
   Text: Cats are self-cleaning.	  Text: Dogs are high maintenance.

   
   Picture: 9 cats falling from the       Picture: 8 dogs falling from the
         sky, in various positions           sky in various positions of 
         on landing on their feet.	     landing on the head/butt/etc.
   Text: Cats always land on their        Text: Dogs don't.
         feet.

    That's cute, I like it!
    Karen

[This was sent to me by a friend - fortunately, my two stay fairly clean:-]
                       Cat Bathing as a Martial Art
                              by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of my life
believing this folklore.  Like most blind believers, I've been able to
discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in
the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug
by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under
you arm and head for the bathtub:

    -- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try
to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick
a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square,
I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the
sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.  (A simple
shower curtain will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber
shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    -- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves,
an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

    -- Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
on your back in the water.

    -- Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as
if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion
as a rule.  If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are
taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

    -- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into
the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water
and squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest 45
seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three
seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you must remember to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.  He'll then
spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off.
(The national record is  - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect
too much.)

  -- Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In fact,
the drying is simple compared to  what you have just been through.
That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right
leg.  You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your
towel and wait.  (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging
to the top of your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you
can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter
to just reach down and dry the cat.

    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But, at least now he smells a lot better.

    
    
    	hoooooooWeeeeeeee!  Excuse me while I wipe the tears
    	of laughter from my face...
    
    	that is sooooooooooo funny!
    
    	bwaahahahahahaaa!
    

    
    HeeeHeeeHeeeHeee, Just like the Cinnyman at the vets getting his ears
    cleaned!  I wonder if he read that???  I wonder if someone can design a
    cat handle!  
    
    There is a forture to be made in cat handles....Hmmmmmm....
    
    Feline weak from laughing!
    
    Sue who did NOT let the crew read this;-)
    

    I bought some cute Kliban t-shirts at the Crazy Shirts store
    in Hawaii.  They had better ones there than the San Francisco
    store I went to ages ago.
    
    The first one has a picture of a large Kliban cat sticking its
    head through the open door.  There's a basket of Kliban kittens
    (bunches of them) on the doorstep with a red bow tied on the 
    handle of the basket.  The caption underneath reads ADOPT-A-CAT.
    On the back is a line or two I can't remember exactly except that
    it was something about the Hawaiian Humane Society.  I'm told that
    some of the money I spent on the purchase went to help that group.
    
    The next one had a lifeguard cat on the front and a cat lying on its
    back in the water with tropical fish swimming around and an island with
    palm trees nearby.  
    
    Okay, I'll admit it.  I bought 4 t-shirts in Hawaii and all but one
    had either a Kliban cat or the larger cats (lions, tigers, etc.) on 
    them.  The other one had a picture of the Hawaii state fish the 
    "Humuhumunukunukuapuaa" and a caption that said "Swim Softly and
    Carry a Big Name".  
    
    I don't understand why anyone that knows me wasn't surprised by my
    choice in shirts representing Hawaii. (not hardly) :^)
    
    Jan

    Jan,
    
    What island and what store did you buy those T-shirts in?  I'm going to
    Hawaii this Sunday for two weeks and would love to purchase some kitty
    T-shirts.
    
    - Lauri
    

    
    I bought my Kliban tees at the Crazy Shirts store in Kona/Kailua on the
    Big Island.  I'm sure there are Crazy Shirts stores all over the
    Islands.  There's also a catalog.  I'll post the address for the
    catalog tomorrow.
    
    len.
    

    I bought them in the Crazy Shirts store in Kailua-Kona (Big Island) but I 
    saw them at the stores in Waikiki too.  When I purchased them they
    stamped a card for me.  If I purchase 9 more shirts and I get a freebie.
    They also signed me up to receive their catalog at the time of my
    purchase.
    
    I have the card with me which lists the location of each Crazy Shirts
    on Oahu (there are 8 in Waikiki alone), Maui, Kauai and Hawaii.  It
    also lists the toll free mail order number 1-800-367-7044.
    
    Jan
       

        A friend got tired of the routine with his tomcat:
                    Go out
                    Fight
                    Heal
                    Do it over...
    
        So he had Tom altered.  Tom still goes out...
    
    
    
        As a consultant
    
    (Crossposted from SWTHOM::PHONECALL)

    I've been given a cartoon entitled "The infinate subtlety of Cat
    Expressions". For every one of the following captions is a picture of a
    cat with exactly the same expression on its face:
    Happy, 	
    Sad, 
    Mildly amused
    Pensive
    Waiting to be fed
    Just been fed
    Pleased
    Rather cross
    Utterly furious
    Slightly irritated but concealing it well
    Mildly amused
    Sexually aroused
    Not interested
    Can't be bothered
    About to kill something
    About to do nothing at all
    Suspicious
    Using the litter tray
    Gloomy
    Bored
    Asleep (this has the cat's eyes closed, otherwise same expression)
    As good as asleep (eyes open again)
    Being laughed at
    Worrying an unintelligible cat worry
    Surprised
    Surprised, but pretending not to be
    Gazing out of the window
    Thinking
    Not thinking
    Inscrutable 

    I did not find a 'Cat Philosophy' topic, so I post this here.
    
    
    
    Human rescues dog, heals dog, treats dog good, feeds dog, caresses dog,
    pets dog, cuddles dog, loves dog. Dog looks up at human and thinks:
    This is God!
    
    
    
    Human rescues cat, heals cat, treats cat good, feeds cat, caresses cat,
    pets cat, cuddles cat, loves cat. Cat looks up at human and thinks:
    I am God!
    
    Nat

    Loved it Nat...that was GREAT and oh so true!!!
    
    

    Reminds me of that old saying:
    My dog thinks he's human:
    My cat thinks he's God.  

    Thanks for posting that Nat. The Princess Panther Jane KNOWS it's
    true!!
    
    Feline Saying is Truth, if you are a cat!
    
    Sue & Crew

    SOME EXCERPTS FROM "THE 50 SECRETS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL CATS"
    
    CAT TOYS
    Well-meaning humans always misunderstand this term.  They think it
    means balls, bell, squeaky rubber creatures.  The sophiticated cat
    will never play with such so-called toys.  If you're feeling
    exceptionally gracious you may, however, help your humans enjoy them,
    after all their trouble.  You might, therefore, paw a store-bought toy
    once or twice - just to exercise your humans - before you sit on it or
    swat it under the sofa.  REAL cat toys include jewelry, coins, pens,
    toupees, paper clips, shoelaces, twist ties, and important documents.
    
    DINNERTIME
    Dinnertime is pretty much whenever you're hungry.  Don't be a slave to
    fashion or to human preoccupation with clocks.  Assert your rights as
    chief household scheduler.  If your stomach says it's dinnertime, get
    someone's attention and go for it.  If you use your cuteness tricks,
    sequentially, on every human in the house, SOMEONE is bound to feed
    you.
    
    BEDS, BEST BETS FOR
    a. Under the sink
    b. On top of the oven or dryer, when in use
    c. In a mixing bowl, in a warm kitchen cupboard
    d. In the linen closet, for obvious reasons
    e. In a half-open drawer
    f. Over an in-floor heat vent
    g. On a closet shelf, especially one with woolen hats, scarves, and the
       like
    
    NESTS
    "Making the bed" is one of the central human mysteries.  The fact is
    that THEY don't know why the do it, and most men don't do it at all. 
    Humans really don't want to make the bed.  So as soon as they get up,
    make a nest in the crumpled sheets and blankets.  You'll be doing them
    a favor by providing an excuse for not making the bed.
    
    Nests are among the best places to rest.  People usually provide them -
    the wool coat or sweater left on the bed or chair, the dry bath towel
    left on the floor, neatly packed suitcases, large hats, used grocery
    bags.
    
    RECOVERY AFTER ERRORS (RARELY NEEDED)
    It's rare, but occasionally a cat will make a mistake in the presence
    of a human.  It's never happened to us, but we've heard of cats falling
    off beds, missing jumps (or jumping onto highly polished surfaces only
    to slide off the other end), and the like.
    
    Remember that when you show the slightest lack of agility or grace,
    you're not just letting yourself down, you're letting down all of
    catkind.  Hence, it is essential that you recover from what the
    Parisians call Le Screwup, immediately, unequivocally, and with grace. 
    Landing on your feet isn't enough.  You must then start cleaning
    vigorously, sending the message, "I didn't fall; I did that on purpose
    in order to bet a better cleaning angle."
    
    THE LAST WORD
    .....is "love".  Love is knowing the WORST about your humans (You've
    watched him sleep, haven't you?  You've seen her grumpy and without her
    makeup) and still choosing to be with them every day.
    
    How you tell your humans you love them (with a nose-to-nose kiss, a
    touch on the face when they're blue, a warm cuddle) is, of course, up to
    you.  If you're lucky (and if you've mastered these rules, you're sure
    to be), they'll love you right back.
    
    Typed for Tigger by his human, Marilyn
    
    
    

    In the "Pickles" comic strip a few days was one of their cutest cat
    ones yet.
    
    The woman is standing with her video camero filming the cat sitting
    on the window sill.  Second frame, she's still standing there and
    the cat is still sitting there; no one has moved.  Third frame her 
    husband comes by and asks what she's doing and she tells him she's
    filming the cat on the window sill.  Last frame, he asks if she's
    going to go film the dust on the coffee table next (since they seem
    to be moving about as much :^).
    
    Sorry, had to do this from memory since I didn't have it in front of 
    me.  It may have lost something in the translation. 
    
    Jan

    I saw a few cartoons in the paper that were cat related.  Thought I'd
    share them.
    
    Robotman has a series going that is Star Trek related but with cats
    as the characters.  This one is from 12/4.
    
    [Stardate 42339: While on a routine mapping mission we'e encountered
    an anomaly in space...]
    
    Mr Spot:  Sensors indicate a dangerous and highly unstable tear in the
              fabric of space/time...
    
    Captain:  Mr. Fufu, take us in...one-quarter impulse power...
    
    Mr Spot:  Captain, the chances of entering this phenomenon and returning
              safely are 384,982 to one...
    
    Captain:  But we're CATS, Mr. Spott...We're INNATELY curious...we 
              seek out NEW life and NEW civilizations and BOLDLY go...
    
    Mr Spot:  You forget, Captain, I'm a Siamese...I'm utterly unfamiliar
              with the emotions of tabbies...
    
    Unidentified cat (probably the Dr.):  Face it, Jim,...he's a weirdo...
     
    I think they're going with this theme for the rest of the week.  12/5's
    strip wasn't as cute.  I haven't seen today's yet.
    
    
    On 12/5 there was another cute strip about cats.  The title of the
    strip is "Rhymes With Orange".
    
    It shows one full panel with two cats sitting on the kitchen counter.
    One cat says to the other:
    
       "Every night when she gets home from work she yells, "Get off the 
        counter!"  So I get off.  We've come to an understanding over who 
        has final authority.  Nevertheless, we keep up this pretense."
    
    
    Jan

(Cross-posted from Womannotes)
    
    
     Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

     If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
     manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

     Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the
     evening.

     He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you
     can arrange to have catfood on your breath, so much the better.

     For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors
     which contrast with your own.

     Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
     anything. Just sit and stare.

     For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain,
     claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

     Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind
     legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is 
     not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered 
     an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about
     several things. This is particularly important during very cold
     weather or mosquito season.

     If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.
     For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie 
     across the book itself.

     For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then
     reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a 
     dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

     For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After
     being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the 
     table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
    

    
     >If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot
     >manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

    This describes my Nephie to a "T"  she has to throw up evertime after
    she eats (for the past 8yrs) no vet knows why and she is very healthy
    otherwise so we don't worry about it.
    
    but everytime she gets done eating I try to toss her outside, but
    sometimes I forget and I will hear that "sound" they make while they are
    tring to up-chuck - I will walk ever so softly over to her, so I can
    pick her up and toss her out - but she see's me coming and she runs for
    under the bed evertime!  UGH!
    
    "Honney, help me move the bed again, Nephie did it again"  :-)
    
    Ps.  I'm so glad I got rid of all my carpet w/ 4 cats, 2 dogs and a
    parrott :-)

    you mention that you have 4 cats. Does she wolf down her food for fear
    of someone else getting it (or so she can get someone else's? Panther
    had this problem and he now eats seperatly in the bathroom with the
    door closed. 
    
    Deb

    
    deb,  no she does not wolf it down - we've done everything for her for
    the past 4yrs - tv scopes down her tummy, dry food, wet food, low ashe
    food you  name it - including  letting her eat alone - she is the boss
    anyway :-)  
    
    I belive she is bulmic.  her normal routine is to eat, then get on the
    bathroom scale and then up-chuck!  she gets on that darn scale
    everyday.  She stays at a constent 10lbs - wish my weight would stay
    the same for 8yrs :-)
    
    The vet told me not to worry since she is so healthy.

    Maybe she's a cow (doublechewer) not a cat? :)
    
    My mom's siamese does the
    same and is also healthy in all.
    
    Nat

Reprinted without permission.  This is long, but tailor made for computer 
types who love kitties.

				SQ


Found At: http://www.andreas.com/catman.html

By Andreas Ramos

Cat User's Manual
CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation

Features:
   * User Friendly
   * Low Power CPU
   * Self Portable Operation
   * Dual Video and Audio Input
   * Audio Output
   * Auto Search Capability for Input Data
   * Auto Search for Output Bin
   * Auto Learn Program in ROM
   * Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Full Power and
     Standby Mode
   * Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
   * Wide Operating Temperature Range
   * Mouse Driven
   * Self Cleaning

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Production Details:
    After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite
ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during
this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation
between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general
standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users
may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These
may violate import restrictions.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Transportation:
    A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to
the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss
or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Installation Procedures:
    Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to
verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user
should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of
the MOMCAT production enviroment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
    Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20deg C
(+/- 3deg tolerance).  Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present.
Open the transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the
self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next step consists
in displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room
temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets.  Immediately afterwards,
you must display the output bin.
    If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day
or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep( ) mode. This is normal. The
MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer 72
hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The
unit may often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment
requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This
is normal.
    A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit
the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs.  Contact
with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration.  Contact with
untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT
units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These
errors are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by
warranties. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a
READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.
    Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated
until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands
to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret
password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the
system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will
abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the
user.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Applications:
    MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are
few productivity applications for CAT.  Many owners use their system for
game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a
system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some
of the better CAT games are:

CACHE
     The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but
     the object code must be smaller.
MIRROR
     Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse
     itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its
     name.
STRING
     The CAT attempts to parse a data string.
JUMP
     Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new
     heights of operation.
CHASE
     Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take
     turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE and SING
     Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Maintenance:
    CATs will self recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
    CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not
clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to
violent explosions.
    A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive
Technician) for a system checkup.
    Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts
inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced
immediately by a VET.
    You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are
plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by
removing an internal part.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Caution:
    CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented
situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or
obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto defense
mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin
D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds.
    Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may
BYTE.
    In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To
avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.  Do not operate the
CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.  Carry a CAT firmly.
Do not swing it by its "tail".

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Service Life:
    As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every
situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on
many CAT units is defective.  CATs like to have their own toys. They often
have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.
    If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal
service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need
the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation
games.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
User Groups:
    CAT users can find other users on the net news group called
rec.pets.cats.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Lifetime Warranty:
     The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons
are included.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Specifications:

   * Models  Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest
     footprint in the industry).
   * Interface  Touch sensitive interface for maximum user
     friendliness.
   * Memory  16 MB with 1 MB in ROM. Upgrades available real soon
     now.
   * Expected Lifetime  12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20
     years are common).
   * Weight  3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
   * Speed  3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting
     supertwist technology.
   * Color Graphics  Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64
     grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 gigabits of
     high resolution pixels.
   * Sound Chip 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
   * Power Consumpution  250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per
     second.)
   * Operating Range  -30 to +45deg C (-22 to 105)
   * Vibration  5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance
     points.

     	CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

	Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their
saliva that works like new, improved Wisk-----dislodging the dirt where it
hides and whisking it away.

	I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

	The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

	When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm
and head for the bathtub:

	-----Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as
if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A
berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a
politician can shift positions.)

	-----Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a
hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

	-----Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.
Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in
the water.

	-----Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as
if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

	-----Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the
tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of
your life.

	-----Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur,
and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him
for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)

	-----Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You
simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained
from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

	In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

	You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and
injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

	But at least now he smells a lot better.

    This is great!!!!    
    
    Sitting here laughing at the terminal - just what I needed!
    
    janetb.
    with the scars from previous kitty baths

    I just got this from a friend and thought it was great!
    
>     OK, here's the Friday afternoon "groaner" humor for the day!
>
>     *********************************************************************
>     A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving.  She
>     called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in.  After a brief
>     examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
>
>     "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked.  "He was a great family
>     pet.  Isn't there anything else you can do?"
>
>     The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can
>     do."  He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large
>     cage with a cat in it.
>     The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.  The
>     cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
>
>     "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced.  "Your dog is dead."
>
>     Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the
>     woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
>
>     "That will be $330." the vet replied.
>
>     "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman.  "What did you do that
>     cost $330????"
>
>     "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for
>     the cat scan."
>
>
>
    

    
    This is from the new Shel Silverstein book--just bought it at lunch for
    a friend--and found one that was appropriate for this conference:
    
    NO THANK YOU
    
    No I do not want a kitten,
    No cute, cuddly kitty-poo,
    No more long hair in my cornflakes,
    No more midnight meowing mews.
    
    No more scratchin', snarlin', spitters,
    No more sofas clawed to shreds,
    No more smell of kitty litter,
    No more mousies in my bed.
    
    No I will not take that kitten--
    I've had lice and I've had fleas,
    I've been scratched and sprayed and bitten,
    I've developed allergies.
    
    If you've got an ape, I'll take him,
    If you have a lion, that's fine,
    If you brought some walking bacon,
    Leave him here, I'll treat him fine.
    
    I have room for mice and gerbils,
    I have beds for boars and bats,
    But please, PLEASE, take away that kitten--
    Quick--'fore it becomes a cat.
    Well...it IS kind of cute at that.
    
    
    (It's accompanied by this hysterical drawing of a man drowning in a sea
    of hundreds of cats and kittens, as this hand reaches out with another
    little one for him)

    This was forwarded to me today by a friend.
    
    Jan
    
> The End of the Raven
>         -- by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
>      
> On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting, 
> I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
> Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven, 
> Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
> "Raven's very tasty," thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
>         "There is nothing I like more"
>      
> Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed 
> Towards his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.
> While the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered, 
> Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor; 
> For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios and wierd decor -
>          Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
>      
> Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered, 
> In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth -
>             "Nevermore."
>      
> While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up, 
> Then I crouched and quickly lept up, pouncing on the feathered bore. 
> Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore -
>             Only this and not much more.
>      
> "Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out! 
> Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;
> How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty
> Put and end to that damned ditty" - then I heard him start to snore. 
> Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,
>          Jumped - and smashed it on the floor.

    Re: .146
    
    I'll take the fleas, hairs and kitty litter any day!  I love my babies!
    
    Cute poem!
    
    Nancy

    .147 is *brilliant*!  Thanks Jan!
    
    Leslie

    Pickles is one of my favorite comic strips.  Here's the wording from
    today's.
    
    Frame 1 (Old guy looking at cat laying on couch)
    	"What a life you lead..."
    
    Frame 2 (Old guy continues speaking)
    	"If you were a wild jungle cat you'd be out hunting for 
    	 food instead of laying around here sponging off me."
    
    Frame 3 (Close up picture of cat with thought bubble)
    	"Not true."
    
    Frame 4 (Cat looking up at old guy, thought bubble says...)
    	"If I were a wild jungle cat I'd be chewing on your leg.
    
    
    Jan

Seen on a T-shirt recently ......

      There are two kinds of cats:
            Maine Coon Cats
  and cats who want to be Maine Coon Cats

My two Maine Coons thought it was kinda funny.

If you find out somewhere that sells them then let me know, 
Belle insists she needs one to lie on when her knees are 
feeling tired :-)

Pulled from rec.pets.cats.rescue.  Enjoy!
    
    
From: [email protected] (Muzzincat)
Newsgroups: rec.pets.cats.rescue
Subject: Feline Humor: Cats on the Internet
Date: 24 Apr 1997 16:55:37 GMT
Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com
Lines: 29
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: ladder01.news.aol.com
X-Admin: [email protected]

    
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 

Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 

You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like 
alt.recreational.catnip. 

Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/. 

Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna. 

Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
"CyberDog." 

Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 

You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat
II. 

On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. 

Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.