Conference 7.286::golf

1663.0. "On Golf!!" by POBOX::RAHEJA (Dalip Raheja @CPO) Mon Mar 29 1993 17:44

  circa 1987 
  (before I got the bug)
  
  
  
  
  
                    WHAT NOT TO DO ON A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY AFTERNOON
                        (Now that summer is finally gone)
  
  I finally went out and did it!!  I used to laugh and jeer at other people 
  who did it.  I used to think it was the stupidest thing for grown men(and 
  women!) to do.  I used to think it was such a waste of time and money.  
  There just didn't seem to be any point to it.  It all seemed so absurd.  
  And then, on a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, for a lack of better 
  things to do, I finally went out and played golf.  What I used to think 
  was right!!  It just looked so stupid.  Grown men, spending all Sunday 
  chasing this small white ball (now also available in different colors) 
  into an equally small hole.  I mean, WHO GIVES A DAMN?
  
  The first thing I noticed were the outfits.  Grown men, who would not be 
  caught dead without three piece pin stripes, guys who sport designer 
  labels like they were their own personal name tags..they were all running 
  around looking like they had just stepped out of a cartoon movie.  I saw 
  more shades of red, green, yellow and blue than I knew existed.  I saw 
  people in plaid pants with polka dot shirts.  I finally figured it out.  
  Man, by instinct, is a flaunter.  And since men have to wear white shirts 
  and dark trousers every day, they go ape crazy when they play golf.
  
  The preparation that goes into playing golf is probably only paralleled 
  by the astronauts.  Here is just a PARTIAL list of what you must ensure 
  before starting:  
    
             Reserve a tee off time (no mean feat on a Sunday!!  What 
             happened to attending church?)
  
             Make sure you have your equipment...
                numerous golf clubs
                golf bag
                golf balls (need lots of these!!)
                tees
                ball markers for the greens
                cart
                score card
                golf shoes
                glove
                hat (gotta look the part!)
                ball retriever (absolute essential!)
                etc. etc. etc. etc.
  
             Find a partner to play with(someone to ensure that you don't 
             cheat)
            
             Practice on the range (absolute waste of time!!!)
              
             Practice on the green (see above!!!)
        
             and the list goes on and on and on.
  
  Finally, you get to tee off.  Of course, before you do that, you must 
  stock your body with a lot of "liquids", because once you are on the golf 
  course, you might as well be in the desert.  So, after "leaning" in the 
  club house for a while you stagger out to play.  Now I don,t know about 
  you but the sight of an enormous pot bellied man with a equally 
  proportionate rear end, swinging his rear end to and fro as he gets ready 
  for his swing had me rolling on the ground.
  
  After you hit the ball, YOU are expected to go and find it (insanity!!),  
  Trying to find a golf ball in any grass over 2 inches is a frustrating 
  exercise, unless it has a built in homing device(now there's an 
  interesting idea??)  Of course, golf balls have a mind of their own.  
  They like to end up in places where they know you will never look for 
  them - like under your golf cart.  If you are really unlucky and have to 
  search for a long time, the people playing behind you have to hold up 
  till you find it and hit your shot.  which means that as soon as they 
  come into the club house, they give you dirty looks and mutter 
  obscenities.
  
  Any way, once you find the ball, you must try and hit onto a patch of 
  grass known as the green.  Now I found that I'm much more accurate if I 
  just pick up the ball and throw it onto the green, but then, that is 
  against the spirit and the rules (another lengthy discourse on that 
  later!) of the game.  Once you are on the green (no easy accomplishment!) 
  is when the fun really begins begins that's when you try and put the ball 
  into the hole.  My theory is that the hole and the ball both have the 
  same electrical charge and therefore, as soon as the ball gets near the 
  hole, they repel each other.  I also found out a secret.  For every hole, 
  the course has a hidden observer with a remote control device.  As soon 
  as he sees that the golfers on the green have reached maximum 
  frustration, he switches the charge on the hole so that the ball goes in.
  
  Another well kept secret is that the antacid manufacturers are silent 
  partners in almost all golf courses and actively encourage making new 
  ones.  This is nothing but a clever marketing strategy to increase their 
  sales volumes.  You see, recent studies conducted indicate that golf is a 
  greater source of frustration, indigestion and ulcers than alcohol abuse 
  and job pressures combined.  Surgeon General...please note!!
  
  After having been through this for nine holes, trying to avoid hitting 
  other golfers, trying not to break any windows of the houses lining the 
  golf course(for some reason very expensive homes), walking through mud 
  swamps and what I swear felt like quick sand, being burnt by the sun, 
  bitten by insects and at one time being chased by a groundhog (who was 
  also having one of those days), I finally made it back to the club house 
  and finally got the attention of the "nurse" and ordered myself an ice 
  cold pitcher of "plasma".  AS I was rubbing the mug on my brow, trying to 
  enjoy the air conditioned clubhouse, my partner asked me when I would be 
  ready for the back nine.....
  
  As a very famous philosopher once said (now long dead as most famous 
  philosophers are bit this one died from ulcers he got from playing too 
  much golf!!), there are time when no sacrifice is too great.  I agree.  I 
  poured the pitcher of "plasma" all over my partner, went home, opened up 
  a six pack of plasma and proceeded to watch 22 grown men trying to hit 
  each other into oblivion (more on that another time!!)
  
  Dalip Raheja
  (who can't wait to tee off on my first ever permanent tee time this
    Saturday eventhough the temperature is going to be 35)