Conference 7.286::golf

1553.0. "Now it can be told!" by UTRUST::CAMPBELL (Real ponies don't go oink!) Tue Jul 21 1992 11:22

    
    
The Golfing Trip - or Diary of the Dickheads
____________________________________________

with	John Fawling
	Steve Campbell
	Jon Ebbens
	Bruce Chapman

The events depicted within are not entirely fictitious, the names have 
been changed to protect the innocent.


Thursday 

   Afternoon

	They arrive at Heathrow Airport, Terminal 1. Steve has no money but
	intends to cash an Amex cheque, Thomas Cook says no, but try
	Terminal 2. Terminal 2 says no as well. They now have to rush for
	the plane. Steve makes the machine bleep as he walks through it and
	so gets searched. Steve then gets called over for his bag to be
	searched as well.

	Arrive Glasgow airport. Steve asks the Information desk if there is
	an Amex agent in Glasgow.
	
	"Yes, opposite the main station"

	They ask the hire-car driver to drop them off there first. He is not
	sure of the whereabouts of this. Steve treats the driver like an 
	absolute moron.

	"Look my good man, the Amex office is near the main station!"

	"But we nay haveny an Amex office, I'm sure of it"

	"But my dear chappie, The Information desk quite plainly said
	that the office is almost next door to the main station"

	"Well I've nay seen it, are you sure they said it was in this toon?"

	"YES, THE BLOODY AMEX BLOODY OFFICE IS BLOODYWELL NEXT TO THE 
	BLOODY STATION IN BLOODY GLASGOW FOR CHRISSAKE!"

	"We're nay in Glasgie, this is Paisley, Galsgie is away f'here"

	The ground opens up and Steve disappears.	

	They go to the car-hire firm office to sort out the car. Steve is 
	the only one with a license on him, he has to drive for the weekend.
	They ask how to get to Glenrothes, the hire firm asks why we flew
	to Glasgow, Edinburgh is much nearer. We all promise to dismember
	the travel agents in Pickfords when we get back.

   Evening

	They find Glenrothes, a sign points to a turning for the hotel. They
	cannot find the hotel. They ask a young local, he sends them the
	wrong way. They stop another local, he says

	"Are you looking for the Balgeddie Hotel by any chance?"

	"YES!"

	"That sign was put up 20 years ago when the hotel was the only
	thing around here"

	They get to the hotel, very nice indeed. The locals beat them at
	pool, they get drunk and play cards until 4:00 a.m.


Friday

   Morning

	The hotel manager gives us his tip for the day

	"Don't hook or slice!"

	They drive to Ladybank for a 10:00 tee-off. They take 3 wrong 
	turnings before they find the course. It drizzles for the first
	3 or 4 holes then clears up nicely. The greens are being spiked,
	some of the holes have temporary greens with holes the size of
	dustbin lids. The course is spectacularly beautiful.
	
   Afternoon

	They drive to Crail, a links course. It is also spectacular as some
	of the holes are played off clifftops, some over the sea, John 
	and Steve play several shots into the sea. 
	They tee-off the 17th halfway up a mountain and all putt in. They
	wonder why the 18th tee is only 5 yards from the hole. They realise
	they played the wrong green. They argue for 10 minutes about what 
	to do next. Jon and Bruce want to climb back up the mountain and play
	the 17th again, John and Steve can't face the climb and just want
	to play the 18th. They compromise by dropping their balls where they
	teed off to from the 17th. People are watching this from the club
	house, they demand to know from the steward why these people have
	been allowed on the course.

  Evening

	The hotel manager tells us about a conversation he had with some
	Americans once ...

	"In the U.S., if we mis-hit our first ball of the day we ignore
	it and claim a 'Mulligan', what do you call it in Scotland?"

	"Three!"

	They eat in the hotel restaurant, the waiter sneers at them as they
	order their Steak Tartares well done and Bruce orders a half-pint
	of Beaujolais and lime. The waiter tries to be clever by asking for
	the orders in French. Steve orders in French. The waiter asks again
	in English.
	They get drunk early and play cards until 3:00 a.m.

Saturday

  Morning

	The hotel manager gives us his tip for the day

	"Take an umbrella!"

	They drive to St. Andrews, it is raining. They ask the steward if
	they can play the Jubilee course, he says yes if they start now.
	They decide to leave it for a while to see if the rain eases, but
	they will try to get a teeoff time on the Old course, they drive to
	the Old course.

	Bruce : "Can we play the Old course please?"

	Steward: "Only if you have 18 or lower handicaps"

	Bruce : "Oh that's OK 'cos we've all got 18 handicaps, honest"
	
	        Steve has to stuff a golf ball in his mouth to stop himself
		from gagging.

	Steward: "Can I see your handicap certificates then!"

	Bruce : "Err, we left them in the hotel, sorry."

	Steward: "Go away!"

	They go back to the Jubilee course. It has been closed because of
	the rain. It will open half an hour after the rain stops.
	They sit in the "Niblick" pub next to the clubhouse waiting for
	the rain to stop, they wait for 3 hours. They get chatting to Wee
	Ernie who shows us his staff pass into the Dunhill Cup next week.
	He will be patrolling the 17th green. He introduces us to his mate
	"Scaffold the Bastard", he says only he is allowed to call him 
	bastard. We look at Scaffold, we decide not to call him Bastard.

	Bruce says the rain probably will not stop, we should go to an
	INLAND course, because INLAND courses may be a bit more sheltered,
	he knows a nice little INLAND course not far away.

   Afternoon

	We arrive at LEVEN-BY-THE-SEA, the rain is now torrential. Bruce
	says to park the car while he checks the course is open. Steve parks
	up a side road, Bruce waits in the clubhouse carpark. Bruce gets wet.

	Jon says he will not play in this weather. The rest say they will 
	play come what may. They get changed. John says 
		
	"It'll be alright 'cos it can't get any worse."
	
	They step out of the changing room into what is now a hailstorm. They
	cannot believe they have to wait for a teeoff as 3 other silly men
	have also decided to play. Steve's jacket hood restricts his vision 
	to what is directly in front of him, he takes a practise swing and
	accidentally takes a small divot, he looks up to see where it went.
	John is standing 10 foot in front of him with a divot on his face.

	They cannot look properly up the course 'cos the hail hurts their 
	eyes. Bruce hits a cracker, John tops his 15 foot into the burn,
	Steve cannot see the ball as he swings his shoulders and slices it 
	over the road and beach and into the sea. The course steward wonders
	if it was such a good idea letting them play after all.

	Halfway up the first hole they meet the other 3 men who have given up.
	They finish the first hole. They decide to play the second, which is 
	also up the course, then the 16th, 17th and 18th back with the rain
	behind them and call it a day. The guarantee on Bruce's waterproofs
	runs out as they finish the second and he gets very wet indeed. He 
	gets cramp on the 17th and walks off. He has not brought a change
	of clothing and so has to buy a complete set of clothes from the 
	golf shop, they are made by Pringle and are very expensive.
	John and Steve decide to finish the 18th.
	They cannot find the 18th tee, they play backwards off the 2nd tee
	instead. They walk off the 18th green shaking hands to the applause
	of all the people watching in the clubhouse who think they've just
	played all 18 holes. 

   Evening

	The hotel manager tells us about another conversation he had with
	some Americans once ...

	"Do you have a 'Dickout' in Scotland?"

	"Eh? Wassat?"

	"If you mis-hit your tee shot and it doesn't go as far as the
	ladies tee you have to get your dick out until you reach your ball!"
 

	They eat in the restaurant again, the waiter does not try to be
	clever. They decide to finish off with speciality coffees. Jon
	stresses to the waitress the importance of not having any sugar
	in his. The waitress is flustered, she has to come back to retake
	the order, Jon re-emphasises the importance about not having any
	sugar in his coffee. The waitress is flustered again. Jon goes to 
	the toilet and happens to pass the waitress in the corridor and makes
	another song and dance about not having any sugar in his coffee.
	The waitress brings the coffee, she must have been flustered because
	she gives Jon the wrong coffee. Jon has to be restrained from giving
	the waitress a Glasgow Kiss.
	
	They get drunk and play cards until 3:00 in the morning.

Sunday
	
   Morning

	Jon, John and Bruce maximise their sleeping quota by missing breakfast.
	They miss their tee-off time at Balburnie. They have to wait an hour
	for a slot. 
	Jon snap-hooks his into a forest, John slices his into a bush, Steve
	takes an air shot. The people waiting behind demand to know from the
	steward why these people have been allowed on the course.
	It is a lovely morning and another beautiful course. Steve sinks a
	20 footer in front of the clubhouse for a par 5 on the last hole.
	He is happy, he will not be happy later on.

   Afternoon 

	The Forth Bridge is having it's birthday party, they are advised
	not to go back that way. They are getting short of time. They encounter
	a traffic jam in Glasgow, there is not enough time to drop the car 
	back to the hire firm in Paisley, they have to go straight to the
	airport. They park on double yellow lines in front of the terminal.
	Bruce checks the luggage in while Steve phones the hire firm to 
	explain the situation. Steve says he will leave the keys with the 
	information desk. The woman on the other end of the phone shouts
	at him. He explains about the traffic jam, and the time is now
	3:00 and the plane leaves in fifteen minutes, and there is no
	alternative but to leave the keys somewhere.
	The lady at the information desk refuses to take the keys and pushes
	them off the counter onto the floor. The flight is leaving at
	gate nineteen, Steve explains that it's an emergency and puts the 
	keys back on the counter and starts to walk off, the woman picks the
	keys up and throws them at Steve. 
	They come to a decision quickly, Jon will lock the keys in the car
	while Steve phones up the hire firm again, there is 10 minutes left
	before take-off. 
	The hire-firm lady shouts at Steve again.

	"WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T LOCK THE KEYS IN THE CAR, THE DRIVER IS
	ALREADY ON HIS WAY, JUST PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND RUN TO STOP
	YOUR FRIEND DOING IT!!!"

	Steve runs downstairs and meets Jon coming back up again.

	"This is the last call for passengers to ......"

	They all run to the security check, Steve gets searched again.

	"Will Messrs Campbell, Chapman, Ebbans and Fawling please come
	to gate number 19 immediately as the plane is waiting to take off!"

	They fall into their seats, they have made it, nothing can go wrong
	now!


	



	The air-hostess shakes a bottle of Worcester sauce, it has a loose
	top, John is covered in Worcester sauce. The plane does not crash.


	The End 


	
Epilogue

	The bill comes in from the hire firm for petrol, callout charge
	and replacement of the rear window in the car, it is very expensive.

    
    Probably the funniest golf story I have read.  With a few of the
    anecdotes washed for public consumption, this gould be in any golf
    magazine.  Even funnier is the fact that I can see myself as a part of
    the group, or even better, I can see a few of my regulars replacing the
    group and with the only difference being - non of us can stay up until
    3 a.m. on consecutive nights;  we would do it without an English
    accent and the car-hire firm would be a rental car company.
    
    I can't wait for more episodes with Jon,John Steve and Bruce.
    
    
    SCD

    
    
    Thanks!  Great story !  
    
    Walta

    That took the edge off of a very bad day that I have been experiencing
    today!
    
    Thank you,
    
    Greg
    

Hilarious - Thanks  BTW what is a Glasgow kiss?

								Regards Phil

Glasgow Kiss: Take the person you want to "kiss" by their ears, then in a none
too gentle manner, crack then on the bridge of the nose with your forehead.

A form of endearment in English and Scottish football games between opposing
players. Also a way of clearing some space at the bar in the pub.

Lindsay

    Obviously a very effective way of endearing oneself to another...
    
    

On a similar theme.  When in a comfortable lounge bar in 
"downtown" Glasgow, if a fellow imbiber asks politely if your 
mother sows, run a mile.

If foolishly you answer, "why of course", this would swiftly be 
followed by a cut-throat razor being dragged across your face, 
with the accompanying retort, 'Well, get'er to stitch this, ya 
bass".

This was an exceedingly common and fun pastime during the late 
sixties and early seventies.

Randall

    Sounds like you've been hangin' around The Gorbels (sp ?)...
    
    --Jack