| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 2798.1 | | SUBWAY::GRAHAM | The revolution will be televised | Mon Dec 23 1991 03:01 | 7 |
|
Before an intermission:
"we pause for a cause" ;-)
Kris...
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| 2798.2 | A few viola jokes......! | VLNVAX::ACDC::RENE | no static at all.. | Mon Dec 23 1991 09:19 | 32 |
| What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
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| 2798.3 | | BUCKS::MURRAY | | Mon Dec 23 1991 09:52 | 4 |
|
My favorite, is the definition of a gentleman:
One who knows how to play the bagpipes and elects not to...
|
| 2798.4 | | SALSA::MOELLER | Sax and Violins | Mon Dec 23 1991 11:59 | 4 |
| Tune in again for our story of a 10th-century Viking released from an
English dungeon, called 'Bjorn Free'.
karl
|
| 2798.5 | The groan goes 'round and 'round and comes out here... | ATIS01::ASHFORTH | | Mon Dec 23 1991 12:23 | 4 |
| Q: What did they do with the madrigal singer who went hoarse (horse)?
A: They put him in the back (Bach) corral (chorale).
|
| 2798.6 | | KEYBDS::HASTINGS | | Tue Jan 07 1992 14:19 | 7 |
|
To the tune of "Yesterday"
Leprosy, I'm not half the man I used to be...
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| 2798.7 | Keep 'em coming | COMET::BELLMJ | | Tue Jan 07 1992 14:42 | 7 |
| Things just keep on falling off of me, oh leprosy is eating me.
Patiently, my friends will pick up after me
etc.
Good one Mr. Hastings! I'd almost forgot!
|
| 2798.8 | estupido. | DYPSS1::SCHAFER | Will Rogers never met Metzenbaum. | Tue Jan 07 1992 15:00 | 98 |
| Don't know if I'd have enough guts to use these at gigs, but for what
they're worth (which ain't much) ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two musicians, a keyboard player and a bass player died and went to
heaven. They met St. Peter at the gate, who seemed quite startled by
their sudden presence.
"What are YOU guys doing here?" quoth he. "You're not due for another
two weeks!"
"Hey, this wasn't OUR idea, dude!" retorted the bass player.
"Well," said St. Pete, "we do have a contingency plan for just such
occasions. Since we're not done with your places yet, we'll let you go
back to earth as anything you want - other than yourselves, of course -
while we're finishing up. Whaddya say?"
"Boy!" mused the synth player. "I've always *wanted* to be an eagle,
and go swooping out over the mountains ..."
"No sooner said than done!" said St. Peter. "A good choice! And - er,
what would YOU like to be?" he said somewhat hesitantly to the bass
player.
Without hesitation, the bassist puffed out his chest. "I wunna beeuh
STUD!" he quipped in his best western drawl.
St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, then (considering the source)
mimicked, "A STUD! Well - okay, if that's what you really want."
A few weeks later, Michael the archangel dropped in on St. Peter.
"Hey, Pete my man! It's time to get those two dudes who were up here
by mistake - and I'm the one who's supposed to find them. You know
where they hang out?"
"Yeah," said St. Peter. "You'll find the synthesist down soaring over
the Grand Canyon."
"Yeah - I found him ... but what about the other guy?"
St. Peter scratched his chin. "I think he's on a snow tire in
Detroit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are sitting at a bar - one turns to the other and
says, "So how do you feel about the entropic tendencies of the
universe relative to Darwinian evolution?".
"Well, it's obvious that the 2nd law of Thermodynamics deals a
serious blow to the theory. Interesting question - say, what's
your IQ?"
"175 - and yours?"
"About the same ... so do you own a Korg or an Oberheim?", and
they lapse into a conversation.
Another two guys down the way notice the conversation, and -
in similar fashion - strike up their own:
"So what's YOUR IQ?"
"34."
"Oh wow, man, me too ... what kind of bass strings do you use?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This missionary gets off the plane at the city airport - the city being
located in the deep dark jungle. First thing that catches his ear are
drums. "How nice", he thinks. "Welcoming drums."
Well, three days later, the drums are still going strong, and the guy
is getting a bit unnerved ... so he stops this local on the street
corner and says "Hey - what's with the drums going all the time?".
The native gets a frightened look on his face and says "oooh - very bad
if drums stop" ... and runs away. Bewildered, the missionary walks a
few more blocks and stops a second fellow, asking the same thing.
"Ohhh - VERY bad if drums stop" ... and HE runs away. The missionary
is beside himself. He finally corners a 3rd person and says "What *IS*
the deal with these DRUMS?!".
The native, with great fear, reacts "oh - Very, VERY bad if drums
stop!!!" and runs away down the street.
The missionary puzzles over this and is walking down the street the
following day when - all of a sudden - the drums STOP! There is a
moment of silence, then pandemonium breaks loose and EVERYONE runs
screaming for cover. The missionary is almost trampled, but manages to
grab a fleeing native and demands "WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY HAVE THE DRUMS
STOPPED??? WHY IS EVERYONE RUNNING AWAY?!?!??"
The native, in abject terror, screams "VERY VERY bad that drums stop!
Now comes BASS solo!".
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| 2798.9 | HAWHAWHAW | ATIS01::ASHFORTH | | Tue Jan 07 1992 15:58 | 9 |
| Re .7:
I just love slurs where you can just "fill in the blanks-" kinda "no-fault
slams," so to speak.
Be that as it may, since I'm *not* a bassist and have a good friend who is,
methinks my first telling of these will be with no edits...
Bob
|
| 2798.10 | | KEYBDS::HASTINGS | | Tue Jan 07 1992 17:33 | 7 |
| Got this one in the Globe today (try it at your next wedding gig):
"I'd like to introduce you to my second wife...
...unfortunately I'm still stuck married to the first one.
|
| 2798.11 | Quick One Liners | BSS::STPALY::MOLLER | Fix it before it breaks | Tue Jan 07 1992 18:11 | 12 |
| A few things to harass freinds that come in to see you:
As they walk in the door, announce them as the "'your state name here'
Jello Wrestling tag team champions here to celebrate thier big win
in Montana".
Announce that the girl with your male friend is his 'future ex-wife'.
Complement someone (who you owe a real obnoxious slam) for being
elected president of the local "Sex without partners chapter".
Jens
|
| 2798.12 | One for the muso's.... | EICMFG::BURKE | Jim Burke, @UFC | Wed Jan 08 1992 03:35 | 17 |
| [Muso's joke]
This Tenor player dies & is consigned to Hell (as per all Tenor
players). He arrives there, and the Devil says:-
"Right, just go over there & join the horn section - take the third
Tenor part."
So, the guy does this, and sits among the rest of the Tenors, and plays
his part (the odd toot). There's no 2nd/3rd endings, just repeat bars
on the part. After a while, he leans across to the guy next to him and
whispers:
"Where's the Coda" ?
The guy replies:-
"What Coda"
Jim
|
| 2798.13 | No, that's the theme to Jaws! | CERN::EJM | Rick N. Backer | Wed Jan 08 1992 04:16 | 6 |
| Re: 6 To the tune of 'Yesterday'
Suddenly, (in a bass voice)
I'm not half the man I used to be (in falsetto)
Wasa
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| 2798.14 | | KOBAL::DICKSON | | Wed Jan 08 1992 10:49 | 26 |
| Three people are going through the pearly gates and St Peter is
asking them a few questions.
St. Peter: We are conducting a little survey here. We would like
to know, at the time you died, how much money you made a
year, and what your occupation was.
First person: I made $200,000.
SP: Very good. And what was your job?
First: I was a stock broker.
SP: Ok, thank you. Please go on inside. Next.
Second: I made $300,000.
SP: Very nice. And your job?
Second: I was a corporate lawyer.
SP: Ok, please step inside. Next.
Third: I made $5,000 per year.
SP: Oh? And what instrument did you play?
|
| 2798.15 | | SALSA::MOELLER | Chihuahua Punting Champion 1987-1990 | Wed Jan 08 1992 12:01 | 13 |
| A favorite Gary Larson cartoon has the Devil opening a door for a dude
in a black cape. "And this is your music class, Maestro." .. the room
is filled with kids on banjos.
To the tune 'Nature's Way' by the Youngbloods :
It's Nature's Way if it hurts you
when you peee-ah
It's Nature's Way of telling you
gonorree-ah
..more, mercifully forgotten
karl
|
| 2798.16 | Another Far Side | DEALIN::AXEL | Mike Axel | Wed Jan 08 1992 12:51 | 8 |
| Another of Gary Larson "Far Sides":
St. Peter greeting a line of people with "Welcome to Heaven" and
handing out harps. The Devil preeting a line of people with "Welcome to
Hell" and handing out accordians.
mike
|
| 2798.17 | Nit nit nit | RGB::ROST | Ashley Hutchings wannabe | Wed Jan 08 1992 14:10 | 5 |
| Re:.15
Karl,
You lose. "Nature's Way" was done by Spirit.
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| 2798.18 | | SALSA::MOELLER | Chihuahua Punting Champion 1987-1990 | Wed Jan 08 1992 14:21 | 6 |
| You lose. "Nature's Way" was done by Spirit.
R U sure ? I 'member Jesse Colin Young and the Youngbloods.. and sure
do remember Spirit, too, joost not doing that song..
karl
|
| 2798.19 | | TERSE::ROBINSON | | Wed Jan 08 1992 14:27 | 5 |
| I remember Nature's Way by Spirit. Weren't the Youngbloods too "clean"
for that sort of thing? Or maybe there are two Nature's Ways?
What ever happended to Randy California anyhow? Oops wrong conference :^)
Dave
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| 2798.20 | | RGB::ROST | Ashley Hutchings wannabe | Wed Jan 08 1992 14:30 | 5 |
| Re: .18
Trust me on this one, Karl.... 8^) 8^)
Brian
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| 2798.21 | Stolen from a recent radio show. | ULTRA::BURGESS | Mad Man across the water | Wed Jan 08 1992 14:32 | 7 |
|
....and he's now tuning up his Mandolin for the next number
as you probably know, the name mandolin comes from the greek
"Mandos-Linos", which directly translated means
a small guitar made entirely of linoleum.
|
| 2798.22 | | JANUS::CWALSH | The Man Who Knew Too Often | Thu Jan 09 1992 03:41 | 11 |
| Another favourite Gary Larson:
A man in a soundproof both, obviously in some agony. Outside, a demon sifts
nonchalantly through a VERY large pile of New Age records.
The caption:
"Charlie Parker's Private Hell"
Chris
|
| 2798.23 | Yo Mama! | DEALIN::AXEL | Mike Axel | Thu Jan 16 1992 07:31 | 8 |
| Last night Johnny Carson introduced his musical guests as:
"Singer Bobby McFerrin and cellist Yo Mama"
It should be Yo-Yo Ma.
Mike
|
| 2798.24 | a few more | WECROW::FACCENDA | | Tue Jan 28 1992 12:05 | 18 |
| Q: How can you tell if your lead singer is at the door?
A: He's coming in late and can't find the key.
Q: How can you tell if your drummer is at the door?
A: The knocking changes speed
Q: Why do people hate banjo players immediately?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a sax and a power lawnmower?
A: Vibrato
|