Conference kaosws::canada

    One of the first things that one would expect to find in a first class
    Abusement Park would be upon driving in, the speed bumps are spiked in
    both directions thus shredding your tires both coming and going.

    The next thing would be the $65 admission fee for adults and $75 for
    each child. Children under 4 cost $80.


    Glenn

    I do expect Glenn to be the director of the abusement park.
    
    Also the attendants would abuse you in the "other" language, but that's
    old hat anyway if you are used to governement offices.
    
    Jean
    

    Attendants abusing you in the other language would be a nice
    cosmopolitan touch indeed.

    I would also expect to find varied breeds of porcupines in the 'Petting
    Zoo'.

    Glenn

      I would expect a detachable ferris wheel, so that the riders could tour
    the entire facility. Great novelty could be realized as frightened
    patrons rushed out of the path of this ride.
    
      In the spirit of other theme parks, there would be a TV/movie studio.
    One show that would be taped would be "Heel of Misfortune". In a
    variation on the popular TV show, the contestants would be strapped to
    the wheel while the vacuuous hostess spun the wheel. The ratcheting
    noise would be made be the contestant's toes rubbing against the
    stoppers. Letters would not be purchased for phrases and words -
    instead, the puzzle would be the headlines of next week's supermarket
    tabloid about the hostess. The grand prize of the show would be the
    book by the hostess "The existential pleasures of being a
    non-productive member of society" (both pages).
    
      Finally, since this is an abusement park, there can be only one
    location for the park - any unreclaimed landfill site.

We recently took our kids to the Korff Barbunk Memorial Colon and
Abusement Theme Park outside beautiful downtown Ompah, Ontario (next
to the Haemorrhoidal Removal Clinic), which is a real bummer 'cause
there ain't enough parking!

Anyway, unlike the other abusement parks, this one had free admission,
for everyone!  As you drive up, the attendants stop your car and hop in
and begin to fondle your wife.  Then they turn around and look at your
kids and say, "Gawwwd!  Those brats are f@#$%@king ugly!  Did you conceive
them during deer-rutting season?  Your daughter's face looks like a 
pepperoni pizza.  What happened to your son, did his face catch fire and
he tried to put it out with a fork?".  After that, you're allowed into
the park but only when the attendants return your wife and fart in
your car.

I'll give you a breakdown on the attractions in the park at a later date.

But be forewarned, you can only leave after being subjected to tauntings
from enraged hairdressers with halitosis, lisps, hairlips and a plethora
of saliva.  Children under 2 years are provided with steel wool diapers.

Pat

    Dont forget the fast food joint that tells you to get lost when 
    you order.Or the roller coaster that never ends.
    
    
    

    The turnstiles have knives instead of bars
    Now that's what I call crowd control. No mad kids rushing
    a head of the parents or else  they will be bloody kids with gushing
    heads.
    
    The lost and found boots are hidden somewhere on the park grounds.
    Should you find one you'll know your lost.
    
    Every 20 minutes the letter and number signs on the parking lot
    lamp posts change, so you can't find you car.
    
    
    Pierre. 

The kids went off to try the swimming pool but you had to bring your
own water.  

Oh ya!  Don't use the hot air hand dryers in the washrooms.  Each
one contains a 540 Megawatt nuclear reactor, and the washrooms
are right next door to the Kentucky Crispy-Critter fast food outlet.

There's also a library filled with books with most of the pages
ripped out and a big sign in the main reading room which says,

	"SHUT THE %$#@$%# UP!"

    The washrooms will undoubtedly have Q-Tips for toilet paper so the line
    ups can be quite long.

    The urinals are also retractable and oscillate with signs above them which 
    say "We Aim To Please, You Aim Too Please"

    Glenn

    I yesss the amusement park i went to the massage parlor and it was a 
    self service boy i hate that.After a long day walking with the kids
    i went to the bar for a few drinks,the bartender asked me,What'll you
    have.I said surprise me. he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
    What a park.

      More detail is needed about the entrance to the abusement park.
    First, the turnstiles are equipped with large paddles, to scold
    naughty children and satisfy the "spanky-bum" fetishes in the more
    deviant clientele. The actual park is a distance from the arking lot
    (this is not a typo - vehicles are parked under high-tension voltage
    lines. Due to the occasional line falling down, sparks jump from
    vehicle to vehicle). To get to the park, one takes the MONOrail. The
    MONOrail is actually a collection of TTC (Toronto Transit Comission)
    "Red Rocket" streetcars. The name comes from the germ-infested air
    that fills these vehicles.
    
      While a patron's car is parked, bumper stickers are applied to the
    vehicle. The captions on the stickers include "rear end me - i love
    the sensation" and "I went to Canada's Abusement Park and was stupid
    enough to use their parking lot".
    
      A patron in the park may get hungry. There are many food outlets.
    One specialty is Polutine. This variant of the French Canadian "treat"
    (french fries smothered in melted cheese and gravy) features french
    fries coated in various viscous fluids found on the bottom of any
    putrid body of water. Another goody is the "all-you-can-keep-down"
    week-old salad barn. Assorted silage is offered at discount rates.
    
      After an exciting day at the park, there is plenty of nightlife at
    the abusement park. The main attraction is the disco called SOCKS,
    and usually referred to as "Disco SOCKS". There, you can dance the
    night away on a wooden dance floor in stocking feet where the nails
    have not yet been set and the floorboards were never sanded.
    
      How could anyone pass the opportunity to visit this place ?

The restaurant was rather quaint, 'Botulism Bob's Restaurant and Septic
Tank Pumping Service'.  We ordered the minced ferret on a shingle which
was served with a slap across the side of the head by a very abusive
waiter called 'Grod'.  This guy had enough ptomaine hanging from his
lower lip and nostrils to defoliate a forest with a single sneeze.
He always demanded, "Wadda ffffff%$##@#@#$#@k do ya want?" and then when
we had paid and were ready to leave it was, "Get the $#@$#@$%!*&^ outa
here!".  For days after, the kids were suffering from projectile diarrhea,
leaving large blow-holes in their pants.

    The Video Arcade games send 400 Volts to the joystick every time you
    do something right, and the pin ball machines are equipped without paddles.

For those with more prurient interests there was the 'Betty Boob
Memorial Brothel' where you can only get a $16.99 'Do it Yourself Kit'.
The life-size inflatable dolls were a deflating experience.

Instead of returning to the parking lot to drive home, all of the cars
had been stolen.  The Park staff then issued little gizmos that looked
amazingly like thumbs to be attached to your forehead.  Everyone was
then forced out of the park and made to line up along the highway,
jerking their heads to one side to attempt to hitch a ride.

    coffee and tea is free
    
       ... the washrooms are locked

    Now that Jan. 1st has passed, in all abusement parks with pay toilets,
    you must insert $1.07, exact change only, as most abusement park toilets
    only take pennies.
    
    Glenn

    I thought that this note deserves another serious look. In the light of
    language issues being hotly debated elsewhere (Not in the Grand Canal
    Note), I thought it might interest everyone to know that most Canadian
    Abusement parks have bilingual signs,
    

    Sanskrit and Egyptian Hieroglyphics
    
    You should see the disclaimer signs, they're the most impressive!
    
    Glenn