Conference kaosws::canada

   When I first moved to Irelanmd the Irish were killed telling me that
    they spoke the best form of English in the world and that non-English
    speakers always came here to learn proper English. 
    
    Well my first job on moving here was teaching English as a Foreign
    Language to people of the Arabic persuasion. I told them that when
    they rode the bus to and from school, they should spend their time
    listening to how the people on the bus spoke so they could pick
    up pronunciation and sentence structures.
    
    I decided to do the same myself one day. Sitting behind a Dublin
    mother and her son, I overheard the mother say something to the
    boy. Not hearing her he said "HUH" to which she replied, "Don't
    say HUH, say WAH". I had to move to another seat to avoid the sudden
    burst of laughter that gushed out of me. Everyone of the 32 counties
    in Ireland has a different accent and sentence structures to boot.
    
    Yours phonetically,
    
    Ted.

Examples of East-end London as two people meet each other:


East-ender                              Translation

Ello John.  What d'you reckon?		Good morning, Aloysius.  Is it not
					a delightful day?


Ello John.  What d'you reckon?		Indeed, Tarquin.  The birds are
					singing, the sun shining.  Crystal
					Palace's Cup propects have never
					looked brighter.

I dunno.  What d'you reckon?		You are perfectly correct.  All, as
					Pangloss once said, is for the best
					in the best of all possible worlds.

I dunno.  What d'you reckon?		I personally tend to the opposite
					view, also set out by Voltaire in his
					anti-Liebnizian work 'Candide'.

I dunno.  What d'you reckon?		Yes, this view has its merits.  But
					naturally each of us is entitled to
					draw his own conclusions.  After all,
					we live in a dangerous world...

I dunno.  What d'you reckon?		As Voltaire points out through his
					mention of the Lisbon earthquake of
					1775.

I dunno.  What d'you reckon?		Precisely!  And we are forced to 
					conclude with Voltaire's hero that all
					that remains is for each of us to
					occupy himself with his immediate 
					concerns: to, as it were, 'cultivate
					his garden'.

Yeah.  Tara, then.			Quite!  Well, Tarquin, you have cert-
					ainly given me much to mull over.
					Thank you!

Tara, then.				Not at all!  It is through discussion
					and controversy that Literature pours
					forth its treasures!  Now, farewell!

    Hey Pat,
    
    You're in no way related to Willie are you?

    <<You're in no way related to Willie are you?

The TV producer and author of 'Spythatcher'?  There are rumors...

The Irish I ran into in Dec. 1988:


Irish					Translation

Jasus will you look at the 		We are arriving in Ireland.
clouds on them hills!

God th'owd beg's fleppin.		My stomach thinks my throat is cut.

Ye wouldn't ever have anny 		Have you got fish?
fish, now?

I have whate trout, fluke...		Sea trout, flatfish...
smork sarmin, sarmin steek...		smoked salmon, salmon steak...

Bords eye fush fengers.			Bird's Eye Fish Fingers.

God bliss all here.			Evening everyone.

Jeames is gittin wid.			James is getting married.

The feather is efter findin		The priest discovered him in the
him inside in the ditch wit a wan.	hedge with a girl.

O, he's a heppy men arright.		The priest is delighted.


Top of the morning, Paddy!		Good morning.  I am a tourist.

You're a fine broth of a boy!		You, on the other hand, are not.

Your sister, now.  There's a		Your sister has a certain rude
colleen!				charm.

I wouldn't be dhrivin her away.		Nudge, nudge, if you take my meaning.

Paint a stoat.				Pint of Guinness, please.

A was on the Narth Circular		I was  a friend of Brendan Behan's.
wit Behing.

Jasus we hed soom jairs.		We used to get drunk together.

      When living in the Highlands of Scotland I was once out walking 
      with a visiting lassie when we passed by a shop that specialized
      in selling sheep's offal (used to make haggis amongst other 
      things).  Looking at the shop front in horror she asked me: 
      "What kind of shop is that?"
      I replied, "It's an offal shop."
      She, thinking I had said an awful shop, responded, "Yes I can see 
      it is, but what *is* that they're selling?"
           
       -Gerry

Yes, gone on...

    Once in Chelmsford,
    Two Frenchies ( Girls !) went in the Kentucky Fried Chick restaurant,
    speaking some English and started their order:
    
    
    French Girl(s):	- Two largue cocks, please !
    
    Guy behind the counter (adjusting his pants...): 
    			- here and now? in front of all these people!?
    
    French Girl(s) (they didn't get the grift..):
    			- yes pleazze(...some laugh here...), and witz szome 
    			  ice too pleazze.
    
    
    needless to say the restaurant as one body burst out in a laugh, but 
    eventually they did get their large Cokes...
    
    /T.

	A frenchie....is that like a limey?

	pUD's Mother

Many years ago, I used to live on a number of airbases which was
probably a good idea since my father was in the air force and I
hadn't left home yet(although my parents used to lock up the house
for long periods and leave a road map and a sandwich on the front
lawn, as a suggestion that I should leave).  One of these bases
was near the USAF base in Ramstein, Germany.  This is a typical
exchange with the base telephone operator, if you called to
complain about their over flights:


USAF                                 		Translation

Howdy.						Hello.

USAF Ramstein, have a nice day.			Hello.

We have a woodshed/F111 interface		One of our jet planes has
situation.					crashed into your woodshed.

This situation is in a usualization mode.	Oh my God not again?!

Evidently, I am distressized.			I am sorry about this.

Unhappily this carries no apology 		But there is nothing I can do.
capability mewise.

I am putting you on hold.			I am looking up your file.

I am putting you on Muzak.			I am giving the CIA your tele-
						phone number.

Transferring you.				A CIA agent will now speak to 
						you.

Re the woodshed/F111 interface situation...	As I was saying...

Madam, your woodshed died for freedom.		Madam, I am trying to put you
						in the wrong.

In war woodsheds are expendable.		I regard you as a piffling
						cretin.

We must not place chickens before liberty.	A pox on your livestock.

There is also an air-breathing intermediate	There is a cruise missile in
nuclear deterrent in your zucchini.		your courgettes.

We are fighting a war here.			And I do not care.

Our forces are fully committed.			1% of our men are flying
						planes and the rest are get-
						ting drunk or whining about the
						weather.

Please stage a recipient-motivated return	Please return our cruise missile
to base.

Madam, what you suggest is not only 		The cruise missile will not fit
impossible but anti-patriotic.			up there.

Excuse me.					This conversation has become
						tedious.

Excuse me, I have to go push a button.		Goodbye, world.

Have a nice four minutes, now.			Goodbye.	

    Re .9
    
    
    
     I'm not British.  I am just one more of those KOLB�SZ eating
    Hungarians...

    RE .10
    
    Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (French laughs, I don't know how to write a laugh in
    		     english...)
    
    Michel.

    re .12
    
    
    That's just about right...
    
    NOW, Let's see how good is your Hungarian???
    
    
    ;-)

	Language			Laugh

	english				hahahaha

	french				hahahaha

	dutch				hahahaha

	bulgarian			hahahaha

	North pole			hohohoho

	politicians			eh?

	dogs                            N/A

	cats                            N/A

	some people with tea
	towels on their heads
	knotted at the corners          haho yoo ni ni gorf alooooo

	Mudder pUDder

Since my grandfather was from North Staffordshire in England, and I've
had the occasion to go to a few pubs there with my uncles, I thought
an example of a typical exchange in a pub in the North (Stoke-on-Trent)
might illustrate another English dialect:


Staffordshire			Translation

Noo!				Good evening landlord! What a wonderful day
				it has been!

Noo, then!			Indeed.  And may I enquire what is your 
				drinking pleasure?

Paynt?				We serve a full range of cocktails, but I
				suspect you prefer beer.

Aye.				A correct analysis of the situation.  Most
				perspicacious.

Nay.				I am not convinced that I require such a large
				intake of liquid.

Huf.				I have therefore decided to order a mere half
				pint.

Smiths.				Smith's brewery has always seemed to produce
				a nutty thirst-quenching product.

Theakstons.			While Theakstons Old Peculiar has its appeal
				to those tired of standing on their hind legs.

Broon.				Newcastle Brown has carved a niche in my heart
				and duodenum.

Seeamer gin.			Perhaps you would be so good as to repeat my
				order.

Baht andle, like.		I prefer a thin glass constructed along the
				lines of a truncated cone.

Sup up.				Drain the flowing bowl, the better to refill it.

By!				Good heavans!  I believe I recognize that 
				person.

Ey, oop.			Is your name by any chance Rodger the Lodger?

Ey, oop.			How is my wife with whom you decamped last
				Thursday?

Ey, oop.			I think I will rend you asunder you oily little
				brute.

Ey, oop.			So!  Flee if you will.  We shall meet again.

Yamfer me.			It has been a tiring day, I shall return to my
				solitary bed.

Ga neet.			Farewell, fellow roisterers!  Until our next
				brimming draft.

Rubbit, bledda rubbit.		What an exceptionally garrulous person.

    This reminds me of a wee joke told by one of the lads I play "fitba"
    with: (He's a Scotsman, so I hope no one will take offence)
    
    Q: What does a Scotsman say when he finds a fly in his pint?
    
    
    A: [grabs him by the wings and shakes] "Go oon, spiti' back, ya wee
    bastard!"                               

    
    re: -.1
    
    
    Huh?  so what does the fly say back to him?
    

>so what does the fly say back to him?

Suck me up, Scotty; there's no intelligent beer doon here!

    So what do you mean like there are talking bugs in Scotland?
    Is that the joke?  I don't know, I just don't seem to get it...

    I think the punch line should be :
    
    The fly says "Leave me aloone, dinya see em doin' the bauck strrrrrroke??"
    
    
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    
    Now THAT'S funny!!!!!!!

	re .19

	The implication is that the Scotsman is so mean he wants back the
	beer the fly has swallowed.

	Or was your note a wind-up?

	"The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware,
	And bony and blotchy and covered with hair.
	He eats salted porridge, he works all the day,
	And he hasn't got bishops to show him the way."

					Michael Flanders

	Tony

    I guess Flanders was tops in his Field....

 Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:
 
 
    In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If
    you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
 
    In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.
 
    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next
    day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
 
    In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
    when lit up.
 
    In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
    wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
    should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going
    alphabetically by national order.
 
 
    In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the
    office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
 
    In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure
    is the job of the chambermaid.
 
    In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the
    chambermaid.
 
    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
    monastery:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
    and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
    Thursday.
 
    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
    corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
 
    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing
    to hope for.
 
    On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid
    red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
    duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
 
    In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend
    courteous, efficient self-service.
 
    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
    

 Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:
 
 
    In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big
    rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
 
    Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition
    of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These
    were executed over the past two years.
 
    In a Zanzibar newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
    shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
 
    In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
    porter.
 
    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden
    on our forest camping site that people of different sex, for
    instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
    married with each other for that purpose.
 
    In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
    of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
    be used for this purpose.
 
    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the
    latest Methodists.

 Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:
 
    A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water
    has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
 
    In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
    afternoon having a good time.
 
    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven
    city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
 
    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride
    on your own ass?
 
    On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock
    to right.
 
    In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from
    their own skin.
 
    On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to
    work throughout its useful life.
 
    Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
 
    In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.
 
    In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
    if dressed as a man.
 
    In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
 
    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send
    them in all directions.
 
    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit
    to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
 
    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have
    children in the bar.
 
    In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other diseases.
 
    In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
    water served here.
 

 Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:
 
    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
    conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
    in your room, please control yourself.
 
    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of
    foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at
    first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
    vigor.
 
    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
        - English well talking.
        - Here speeching American.
 
    
    Ad sign in front of a London restaurant:
    
       Wanted man to wash dishes and 2 waitresses. 

	Heard this phrase on the Max Ferguson radio show about a year ago,
	I think it was sung by a group from Cornwall (England, silly).
	Does anyone know the rest of the song?


		Oh Lord above, send down a dove,
		With a beak as sharp as razors,
		To cut the throats of them blokes
		What sells bad beer to sailors.

	Pat

    Gee, and I thought I was doing well when I figured out how to pronounce
    `Nooton Cohnah' and `Hahvuhd Squeah'.
    
    ...laura, still getting over her jet lag

One day last year I got a call from a guy in Ayer, Scotland, who wanted
some info on uVAX diagnostics.  What, with the milli-second delay on the
phone lines and the inherent echo that accompanies it I had a hell of a
time figuring out exactly what he was looking for.  Finally I got it, and
asked him to repeat his name for me.  He said it was "Stoot."   I asked him
to say it again, and he replied with "Stoot."  After a couple of more like
this I finally apologized and asked him to please spell it.  Slowly, he
spelled, "S-T-U-A-R-T.  Stoot!"

Once while camping along the Massachusetts & New Hampshire borders we had a
neighbor who told us he was from "Nawchemsfud."  Unlike the Scotsman, I had
to ask him to repeat it at least 10 times hoping to catch the inflection in
his voice, to no avail.  Eventually, _he_ got pissed and pointed in a general
direction and said, "Nawchemsfud, nexta Loe'll."  Turns out he was from
North Chelmsford, next town over from Lowell, Mass.

Cliff

    Recently, I was confronted with a frustrating experience wherein
    I was concentrating on a lecture being conducted in English, on
    a subject in which I was reasonably conversant, by a speaker who
    was audible and clear - but I hardly understood a word he was
    saying!  The lecture was rife with jargon!  

    What follows are verbatim phrases from that lecture that I have 
    tried to place into a context that has some semblance of
    coherancy, so that you may be able to grasp the gist of the subject
    matter.
    

    	This is a good launching point for us to plug and chug with these
    numbers which are taken from a real life process that works in the
    back pocket.  In this particular case, we want to bruise up
    against our process and blur these numbers around the barn door. 
    Now, of course, down at the atomic level, if you will, we can zoom
    down to one dimension which does a nice job of backing us up to
    zero.

    	Now, at this point we want to crack the lid on the Poisson
    process, which is a good rope to grab so we can come out of the
    other end of the chute.  But you'll never push a good bullet out
    of the end of that gun!  However, we'll feel real good as this
    number cruises around.

    	With this sorta window size, and not having a math attack, we
    can kinda logicalize our way around the data and wriggle out into
    the real world.  Of course, with our zoom lens we can use our
    hypermodel to rewind the film.  This also lives through
    decomposition, that is not to say that there isn't a ton of
    utility.  But within the controlledness and the sanctity of the
    process, there is some sense to be made of it, if we zoom down to
    the smallest moment of truth.  Here we can find a few more
    hammerheads for this particular point-set, if we can get down to
    this level of grind.

    	However, with new componentry, we get into a fluff mode and
    the constipation of the system gets choked by the process,
    although the 'bathroom' example carries a piece of the company
    load.  These, of course, are the genetics of the course and they
    ratchet us, in a nice way, forward in time.  This should put
    enough map into your back pocket-ware, but maybe there isn't
    enough interest to kill the tree.

    Marketing strikes again!