| On a related note, I lost the headers on this one, but I
think it came from the same net source as .0...
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THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF IDS
By Jim Moore
(reprinted without permission)
I am an esoteric;
I know I am the light.
I'm told I need a bigger bulb,
But mine's screwed in too tight.
I keep my psyche centered
With Mantra-matic sound.
My feet are firmly planted now
Two feet above the ground.
I've studied new-brain theory,
But now my father fears
That in the shift from left to right,
I've somehow stripped the gears.
I've traveled to the Ginza,
And slept inside the crypt.
But everyone now seems convinced
My chakras must have slipped.
I cast a rainbow aura
For esoteric glow.
And wear the proper crystals
To keep me in the flow.
I'm described as flaky by
My parents and my kids,
'Cause I take all my lessons from
The Wizards of the ids.
Chorus (repeats every third verse, but I've entered it only once)
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So don't mess with my chakras,
Nor block my energies,
'Cause I'm a new-age student of
The ancient mysteries.
My natal chart reveals that I
Am firmly on the path.
And when my soul needs centering
I take an auric bath.
I've studied palms and sun signs
And reflexology,
And know the code that lies within
My numerology.
Astrology's unique for me;
My chart evokes some quips.
It only has two houses and
A moon in full eclipse.
My lovers think I'm scattered,
Obscure and sometimes dim,
But ever since Atlantis sank
I've been in the swim.
I own more incarnations
Than growth rings on a tree;
I nightly astral-travel through
The cosmic solar sea.
I've traveled with the space men
Within a U.F.O.
And when my guides provide the rides
There's nowhere I can't go.
I know a hundred mystic chants
For every proper rite,
And affirmations for occasions
Morning, noon and night.
I had a dream the other night
And Ramtha came to me.
I told him he could go get lost;
I'd rather have J.Z.
I know tarot and shusta,
And often read the runes;
I neutralize bad frequencies
And celebrate full moons.
With all my gifts of second sight
The future's known to me.
And I can find most things I lose
Except my memory.
I utilize more channels than
An FM radio.
And those around seek higher ground
When I am in the flow.
I visualize uniquely
When sleeping through the nights.
My dreams are so unusual
They carry copyrights.
I'm certified in MariEl,
I.A. and Reiki too;
I'm steeped in Iridology
I-Ching and Kofutu.
I've done past-life regressions;
I've seen things yet to come.
I've done my share of healing
And I know the OM to hum.
I know who's who in every slot
Of the Hierarchy charts.
Psychometry's a snap for me;
I'm trained in psychic arts.
I shun all medications;
I need no drugs to fly.
An Esoteraholic
Doesn't need another high.
I know the vast gradations
Of every karmic type,
Though some believe I have become
A fruit that's overripe.
I know I reap the deeds I sow,
So I plant goodly seeds.
Now tell me why I still must wade
Through all these lousy weeds.
I vibrate with the colors,
And gemstones make me glow.
My drumming and my chanting make
My kundalini flow.
When I began deep breathing,
No way did I conceive
That when my navel gathered lint
I'd find it hard to breathe.
I've studied acupuncture
Just to get the points,
And learned the fine art of massage
To frequent better joints
I dematerialize at will
And levitate through air.
Thus I'm described as one of those
Who's simply not all there.
I've journeyed to the hollow earth
And picked my real estate.
I'm so prepared for dire days
That I can hardly wait.
In Wizards Of The Ids Estates
My condo waits for me,
Complete with junk food garden
And a chocolate ice cream tree.
My whole genetic structure
Gives most M.D.'s a fright,
'Cause evidently deep within,
No organ's structured right.
The shrinks all love to test me and
Repeatedly they find
I give new definition to
"An altered state of mind."
My prana is diluted by
My esoteric drinks;
And when I wash my hair my poor
Pituitary shrinks.
Yet, with the right nutrition
I've flushed my body clean.
But in that flush I somehow lost
My bladder and my spleen.
I live on sprouts and vegies,
And sugar I abhor.
The devas guard my garden;
Saint Michael guards my door.
And when there's negativity
Contaminating me,
I take a white-light shower
Then go and hug a tree.
I own so many books and tapes
That they've bestowed on me
And honorary, bona fide
Librarian's degree.
My studies taught me I create
My own reality.
To see what unskilled labor builds,
Just take a look at me.
As a psychic I'm renowned
For seeing things to come.
Folks stand in line for answers from
My mystic pendulum.
I gave 300 readings
Before I realized,
My table was metalic and
My pendulum magnetized.
I'm tapped into the cosmos,
That great etheric dawn.
But lately I detect a call
That says I may pass on.
But if I die, I want to lie
Beneath the pyramids,
So all may know I made the grade
As a Wizard Of The Ids.
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