Conference hydra::dejavu

1604.0. "Mellow Men and Women - The Sequel" by WELLIN::NISBET (Disarm yourself bomb) Thu Jan 16 1992 06:02

This is such an interesting digression, I've extracted the bits which I
want to mention into this new topic.

My reason for the reply mentioned below in 1597.79 is directly related to a
topic I started recently in MARVIN::CARS_UK, Notes 1650.*. Hit Keypad 7 to add
CARS_UK to your notebook.

(Dougie)


             <<< HYDRA::DISK_NOTES$LIBRARY:[000000]DEJAVU.NOTE;1 >>>
                             -< Psychic Phenomena >-
================================================================================
Note 1597.79                  Were Do We Come From                      79 of 81
WELLIN::NISBET "Disarm yourself bomb"                15 lines  15-JAN-1992 11:19
                     -< Mellow Men and Women (revisited) >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 <<< Note 1597.38 by HOO78C::ANDERSON "Happily excited, bright, attractive" >>>

    [ ... ]
    
    I discovered that worrying was a useless exercise years ago and I never
    bother with it now.	

Easier said than done. What's your secret? 

    [ ... ]

    Jamie.

Dougie

================================================================================
Note 1597.80                  Were Do We Come From                      80 of 81
PLAYER::BROWNL "And another bag for the lightbulb.." 19 lines  15-JAN-1992 12:09
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Well, for me, it's quite easy. It's an attitude of mind.
    
    If something's bothering you then:
    
    1) if you can fix it, do so, worrying about it will change nothing.
    2) if you can't fix it, then live with it, worrying won't change it
       either.
    
	[ ... ]

This is arguing a rational response to irrational feelings. What you
mention is the type of philosophy I try to adopt. But I can go weeks on end
without it working.

    
================================================================================
Note 1597.81                  Were Do We Come From                      81 of 81
HOO78C::ANDERSON "Happily excited, bright, attracti" 66 lines  16-JAN-1992 03:23
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Oh no Laurie I gave up worrying long before that. But since someone
    asked, I'll tell you how I learned not to worry. 

    Are you all sitting comfortably?
    
    Good then I'll begin.

    [ ... ]

    The system is very simple. You have a problem and you have a choice of
    several solutions. You carefully examine each possible solution and
    assign a positive number to each positive aspect and a negative number
    for each negative aspect. The number you assign is relative to how
    positive or negative you think the aspect is. Then you total each
    solution and chose the one with the highest number of points.

    The actual object of this exercise is to make you closely examine all
    possible solutions and critically look at each aspect of it. Having
    made your decision you may then forget about the problem and get on
    with your life.

I suppose I already do this with some things, without actually being as
methodical as you describe. For Instance, my wife is in a terrible dilemma
about a potential job change. I say there are no such things as wrong
decisions, and I have little time for people who spend a goodly time
telling me "If only I had made this decision, my life would now be
wonderful". I have made some Major Life Changes (must keep the Americans
happy!) in the last few years. The biggest mistake I made was returning to
full time study on a computing course which I hated. This was two years of
hassle which I would have preferred to have spent somewhere else - another
college or perhaps working. I believe I made a big mistake leaving Scotland
to work in the South East (England), and will have to wait a while to move
to somewhere where there is a better quality of life than London.

The point of this tirade, is that I've noticed unlike many, that making
mistakes doesn't really bother me. I don't agonise on What Ifs, and If
Onlys. I don't even have to make an effort to stop worrying about whether a
decision was right or wrong. It doesn't matter, and it's too late!

    Harry however is a born worrier. No amount of rationalisation will
    stop him fretting. We were on a plane two years ago and it looked like
    we would miss our connection and be stuck in Boston for a day. My
    attitude was, "It is entirely out of my hands so I will sit and read my
    book." Harry went through hell on that flight dreaming up all sort of
    situations where we couldn't get hotel rooms at short notice and would
    have to sleep in the airport.

Who's Harry? I tend not to get worked up about late trains, planes and
automobiles either. For exactly the reason you describe.

However, some things tend to worry or annoy me intensely, although they
could theoretically be rationalised away. I think most people could argue
against being worried or angry, but again this is using a Rational response
against irrational behaviour. If this worked, there would be no need for
drugs and therapists. 

For example, a speaker about to address a large audience knows that he
doesn't want to be scared. Saying "Stop Blushing" to someone who is
embarrassed isn't going to help them. 

I waffling on a bit here. Basically, I don't want to worry. I can see the
reasons for not worrying. I can understand the rationale behind not
worrying. So do many people. Why do I and they continue to worry?

The coffee machine has just told me "Don't worry - Be happy". I felt like
slapping my forehead and saying "Bugger me - so THATs it. Thank you Coffee
Machine." 

I think the whole business of being philosophical and relaxed about life
relates to personality. Are there really Type As and Type Bs? Can
personality really be changed? Are people fundamentally stressed or relaxed
as an accident of birth? Can it be learned? Is it entirely due to living
and working environment? 

There are many who would argue that peoples personalities and outlooks are
entirely learned and dependent on environment. Others would say that it is
something that we are born with, and cannot change. I really hope it is the
former, but I suspect it is the latter.

Dougie
    

    I said this in the CARS_UK topic, it's often a question of mood. When
    I'm in a good mood, I can really let the trials of life wash over me.
    Another day, I react very badly indeed. My "philosophy" on worrying
    works because I make it work. I do worry, it's normal, healthy and a
    useful mechanism for sorting issues out. However, you have to keep it
    in perspective and know when to stop. Sometimes, it takes a great
    effort of will to remind myself to "fix it, no worry".
    
    Yes, I believe some people worry about everything to the point of
    insanity, and others worry little or none, as a personality trait. I
    also believe it's partially inherent, and partially learnt.
    
    Laurie.

    From golf:  "Play it as it lays."
    
    From poker:  "Play the hand you are given."
    
    From my Dad:  "My situation is a given.  I have a certain wife, I live
    in a certain house, work at a certain job, have a certain state of
    health.  I can be miserable about it or happy about it.  I control my
    reaction to my situation."
    
    Laura-who-still-worries

    Dear Person-about-to-give-a-speech,
    
    Visualize your audience as naked.
    
    						Ann B.

Re .3 (Ann):

    >Visualize your audience as naked.

Then the speaker might _still_ not be able to speak, but at least the thoughts
will be, well, of a more lubricious variety.  :-D

Steve Kallis, Jr.

    I almost always have a non-zero anxiety level.   Not usually ruminating
    on something specific, but often just anxious about the uncertainty
    of my future, my job, and so on.  A lot of it is probably tied in
    to my being a procrastinator, so I always have something 'due'
    hanging on my mind.   When there isn't there's always the question
    of what's BEST for me to do now, when I have a million things to
    attend to, and focusing on the current one, stopping worrying about
    all the others.   It's usually difficult for me, unless I'm in a
    situation where immediate physical response is called for, like
    a sparring match, which focuses my attention wonderfully :*).
    
    I've tried to change it a number of times in different ways and
    not succeeded yet.  I've always wondered how much of it is a 'trait,' and 
    how much was learned and perhaps could be unlearned if I took the right
    approach, and even whether I should worry about it.  ;-) :-)
    
    If fact, I don't usually even think of it as a problem, I think of
    it as a source of ongoing low-level motivation, reminding me to 
    keep awake.  ;*)
    
    	"If it weren't for my neuroses holding me together, I'd fall
    	apart."   --  Woody Allen (?)
    
    							todd

    
    Try yoga.  (;^)
    
    Seriously though, it's great for getting the energy out of the mind
    (past and future) and into the present NOW.  Yogic breathing methods
    help too.  Works for me. 
    
    Cindy

       Ladys and Gents,
    I was looking in ELF and there is a retired DEC employee with the
    badge #000666 and is a she.
    
    Ariel.

    And on a scale from 1 to 666, how mellow would you say she was?
    
    Dougie
    

    re: .6, Cindy,
    
    Expected and always welcome.  Thanks for your recommendation.
    
    Of course, if I get my mind off the past and future, then I'll likely
    forget all this important stuff I have to remember to worry about ... :-D
    
    Oooops, late for a meeting !  Better get back into panic breathing ...  :*)
    
    							todd