Conference hydra::dejavu

    re: .0
    
         Not really strange at all.  People like to say that they've
    forgotten and moved on.  I would like to suggest to those people
    that they haven't moved on at all...all they've done is forgotten.
    It comes down to this:  if emotions aren't expressed, they are
    either suppressed or repressed.  The results of repressed or suppressed
    emotions are staggeringly damaging.  But the act of FORGETTING
    puts a coating on the damage, like a coat of paint, so that the
    structural lack of integrity cannot be seen...until the paint
    chips away from whatever source.  
         Clearly you had not dealt completely enough with your pain
    back 14 years ago.  You felt it, feared it, painted it over.  But
    you never released it.  Can you imagine the collective emotions
    we store up after 3-4-5 decades or more?  How do they manifest
    after decades of witholding?  Mostly in the diseases we attribute
    to the old, this includes the dementias and crazinesses, the angry
    and the bitter.  
         Okay, you say, you believe me.  Now what, right?  Well, now
    is the time to process all that stuff out...to release it and to
    FORGIVE yourself.  Forgiving others is fine, but ultimately you
    must get to the point of self-forgiveness...because that's where
    the real damage or real benefit can be.  Can you remember everything
    that needs forgiving?  You're a better person than I with memory
    if you can.  So, the best thing to do is to become aware of whatever
    emotions are causing disruptions in your life now, to back-track
    as best as possible to the source, then work on the releasing of
    those emotions.  How?  It depends on the emotion.  What one does
    for hurt is not the same as what one does for fear, e.g.  And once
    these emotions are released, the act of forgiveness still hasn't
    occurred.  How to do that?  Well, I strongly suggest that if you've
    never used a Lazaris video that you do it now.  You can rent his
    video on Self-Forgiveness during which you can discover the process
    that can work for you.  In the future, you will always be able
    to utilize the process whenever you feel like it, without the tape.
    Perhaps there are other ways to handle self-forgiveness, but I know
    of no better way.  You could also look through some of the earlier
    notes in here about this subject.
    
    Frederick
    

    Thanks Fredrick, I thought I had forgiven myself but I guess you're
    right, I'd simply forgotten about it. If you read my previous note
    on this matter, you'd see where the guilt is coming from.
    Where can I rent this tape? 
    
                                        -Mark

    re: .2 (Mark)
    
         I discovered that you work in Shrewsbury, Ma.  I am in California
    and my sources here probably won't help you very much.  I have been
    told in the past year or so, however, that there are a few bookstores
    in your "neck of the woods" (perhaps as *far away* as New Hampshire)
    that rent them.  The rent is usually quite reasonable, moreover.
    Perhaps some of those people in this conference who have rented
    Lazaris tapes can offer you some suggestions.
         AS for guilt, Lazaris calls it anger that we feel we don't
    have a right to have.  We cannot process guilt, for it is an
    "artificial" emotion.  WE CAN process anger, however.  So the first
    step in releasing guilt is converting it to the anger it really
    is.  Lazaris has talked about this quite thoroughly.  There are
    audio tapes available on guilt and anger...see 406 for a "catalog
    listing" of tapes (the list is many months old already, but is
    fairly representative.)
    
    Frederick
    

You might try spending some quiet time alone and talking to her either
"in your head" or writing a letter to her...

peace and good luck,
john

    
    Thanks John... as a matter of fact, I visited her grave yesterday
    and had a nice talk with her. It was distracting though because
    alot of my old friends are buried in this one section of the cemetary
    and seeing all those old familiar names was strange. You tend to
    move on in life and forget those who've departed. But, I stood there
    in the rain and sort of told Ellen how I was feeling and then rambled
    on about what's been going on for the last 13 years. I kept thinking,
    she's probably looking down and saying "It's about time you showed
    up" ...ya, she'd say that. It was a good release for me, made me
    feel as though I had somehow communicated. I feel much better today.
    I like the idea of writing a letter...but where should I send it
    to? :)            thank you all for your support. It's sometimes
    tough to relate to some  people about spiritual things but I always
    feel comfortable doing so in this conference. You are truely warm
    hearted people.        - Mark 

    
    
    Hi Mark,
    
    I believe that you did communicate with Ellen.  Our friends and
    loved ones who have died, exist in spirit on the Astral plane for
    a time.  They are able to draw close and send us thoughts and
    emotions, and sometimes even touch us so that we physically feel
    it.  They are also able to receive our thoughts and emotions.  So
    if you feel that there is some "unfinished" business in your
    relationship, it can still be worked out through your intention
    in your thoughts, writing or dreams.  What I have done in the
    past with writing is to write out the communication and then, in
    a ritual, burn it and allow the smoke to rise up and take the
    message with it.  Some words of caution that I will share is
    that at times our own grief and emotion can create a hold on the 
    person in spirit, so it is important to acknowledge these feelings
    within yourself, share them with your loved one in spirit, and
    let them go.
    
    Your sharing with Ellen is a major step in a beautiful healing
    process.
    
    Carole

    Thanks Carole, it's weird but I keep seeing her face and remembering
    things about her that I had long forgot. It's as if she's helping
    me to remember. It's really haunting but at the same time very
    comforting. 
                                   -Mark 

    
    Mark,
    
    There is a small book that is very close to your own situation and
    it is "Mister God, This Is Anna".  Contact me directly if you're
    interested in hearing more about it.  It's not religious in the
    traditional sense and it feels right to recommend this to you at
    this time.  It may provide some additional insight.
    
    Cindy

    A great little book. Gives a beautiful picture of one of the few
    truly religious people that I have met/read about. Totally debunking
    the 'unacceptable face of religion' in the most gentle way possible.
    Written with love and great deal of understanding.
    
    Brian

    This is a reply to your question (in .0) about whether it is weird
    to be processing this so long after it happened.  And the answer is:
    not at all.  You're not crazy, you're perfectly normal, and you're
    doing great.  As others have assured you, if there is something that
    you've felt was left "unfinished", particularly hidden guilt, the whole
    thing will surface sooner or later for the necessary healing to take
    place.  I'm happy that it (your healing) is now proceeding well for you.
    
    Marcia

    
    I have survived. I have arrived. I've been cleansed of a deep rooted
    guilt that was hidden for so long. 
    
    I thank you all for opening my eyes, comforting me and most of all,
    understanding. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 
    
    
                                   peace, 
    
                                   Mark 

    	Mark,
    
    	Reaching out can sometimes be the way to reach within.
    
    	Good luck.
    
    							Carla