Conference hydra::dejavu

970.0. "Happiness and YCYOR" by ATSE::FLAHERTY (Nevermore!) Mon Jan 30 1989 09:16

    
    I am reading a book entitled The Psychology of Romantic Love by
    Nathaniel Branden (a renowned psychotherapist, author, teacher,
    and a pinoeer in the fields of self-esteem, personal transformation,
    and man/woman relationships).  What struck me was how it fit
    perfectly with 'you create your own reality' so I thought it
    would be beneficial to include what I thought was an extremely
    pertinent excerpt here:
    
    
The Appropriateness of Being Happy

Continued in the experience of self-esteem, as I have already 
indicated, is the sense of our right to assert our own interests, 
needs, and wants: the experience of feeling worth of happiness.

Working with thousands of people in a variety of professional contexts 
and settings, I have been struck again and again by the prevalence of 
people's fear and doubt in this area, their feeling that they do not 
deserve happiness, that they are not entitled to the fulfillment of 
their wants.  Often there is the feeling that if they are happy either 
happiness will be taken away from them or something terrible will 
happen to counter-balance it, some unspeakable punishment or tragedy.  
Happiness, for such people, is a potential source of anxiety.  While 
they may long for it on one level of consciousness, they dread it on 
another.

A person may insist, "Of course I'm entitled to happiness!:  on the 
conscious level there may be a normal longing for it, including the 
felicity associated with romantic love.  But when happiness is 
actually experienced, when the person is in a relationship that is 
working, often the response is a feeling of anxiety and 
disorientation.  There is the wordless sense of "This is not the way 
my life is supposed to be."

Many an individual, particularly if raised in a religious home, has 
been taught that suffering represents a passport to salvation, whereas 
enjoyment is almost certainly proof that one has strayed from the 
proper path.  Psychotherapy clients have spoken to me of times when, 
as children, they were ill, and a parent told them, "Don't regret that 
you are in pain.  Every day you suffer, you are piling up credits in 
heaven."  What is the implication?  What is one piling up on the days 
when one is happy?

Or the child has been encouraged to feel, "Don't be so excited.  
Happiness doesn't last.  When you grow up, you'll realize how grim 
life is."

For such people, to experience themselves as happy may be to 
experience themselves as, in effect, out of step with reality -- 
therefore in danger.  When will the lightning bolt strike?

Now suppose that a man and woman who share this orientation meet and 
fall in love.  In the beginning, focused on each other and on the 
excitement of their relationship, they are not thing of these matters; 
they are simply happy.  But inside, the time bomb is ticking.  It 
began ticking at the moment of their first meeting.

Facing on another across a dinner table, feeling joyful and contented, 
one of them suddenly can't stand it and starts a quarrel over nothing 
or withdraws and becomes mysteriously depressed.

They cannot allow the happiness just to be there; they cannot leave it 
alone; they cannot simply enjoy the fact that they have found each 
other.  Their sense of who they are, and of what their proper destiny 
is, cannot accommodate happiness.  The impulse to make trouble arises, 
seemingly from nowhere, actually from the deep recesses of the psyche 
where the anti-happiness 'programming' resides.

Their view of self, and of the universe, allows them, perhaps, to 
struggle for happiness -- to yearn for happiness -- 'sometime in the 
future' -- perhaps next year -- or the year after that.  But not now.  
Not at this moment.  Not here.  here and now is too terrifyingly 
close, too terrifyingly immediate.

Right now, in the moment of their joy, happiness is not a dream but a 
reality.  That is unbearable.  First of all, they don't deserve it.  
Second, it can't last.  Third, if it does last, something else 
terrible will happen.  This is one of the commonest responses of 
people who suffer from a significant lack of self-esteem, of 
confidence in their right to be happy.

I am continually impressed by the fact that whenever I raise this 
issue in my Intensives on Self-Esteem and the Art of Being or 
Self-Esteem and Romantic Relationships, the majority of those present 
respond to the point immediately; very little explanation seems 
needed; they are very familiar with the phenomenon.  Some are 
defensive, some struggle to avoid coming the grips with the problem, 
but the majority -- interestingly enough -- respond honestly, if 
sadly.  Once the issue is pointed out, they notice readily how often 
they interrupt their own happiness, sabotage it, create trouble where 
none need exist -- do anything to escape the fact that they can be 
happy right now, if only they will accept the moment, not fight it, 
not resist, just yield to the joy of being, yield to the joy of each 
other, yield to the ecstatic potential of romantic love.  But no, they 
prefer to take workshops, consult marriage counselors, enter 
psychotherapy, study sex manuals, accumulate books on psychology, so 
that they can make themselves happy in the future, at some unspecified 
time, a time that never comes, like the horizon that keeps receding as 
one approaches.

Sometimes I will ask a group, "How many of you have had the experience 
of waking up one morning and noticing that in spite of all sorts of 
problems, difficulties, worries, you feel wonderful, you feel happy, 
you feel delighted to be alive?  And after a while, you can't stand 
it, you have to do something.  so you manage to fling yourself back 
into a state of misery.  or perhaps you are with someone you really 
care about and you're feeling very contented, very fulfilled, and then 
feelings of anxiety or disorientation arise and you feel the impulse 
to stir up conflict, to make trouble.  You can't keep out of the way 
and allow happiness to happen.  You feel the need to throw a little 
'drama' into your life."  Inevitably, at least half the hands in the 
room go up.

The evidence is clear: for a great many people, happiness-anxiety is a 
very real problem -- and a powerful barrier to romantic love.

...

If we feel that our relationships always seem to be unhappy, always 
seem to be frustrating, it is relevant to inquire:  Am I allowed to be 
happy?  Does my self=concept permit it?  Does my view of the universe 
permit it?  Does my childhood programming permit it?  Does my life 
scenario permit it?

If the answer is in the negative, it is futile to try to solve 
romantic problems by learning communications skills, improved sexual 
techniques, or methods of 'fair fighting.'  This is what is wrong 
with so much marriage counseling.  All such teachings rest on the 
assumption that the persons involved are _willing_ to be happy, _want_ 
to be happy, feel _entitled_ to be happy.  But what if they don't.

...

For some individuals, the simple act of allowing themselves to be 
happy, with the independence and self-responsibility that implies, may 
be the most heroic act life will ever require of them.

    re: .0
     
         Good one, Ro RO RO your boat....
    
         It's absolutely true...what it underscores in terms of 
    creating your own reality is that it is clearer to see that
    we always get what we want, although not necessarily what we
    "ask" for.
    
    Frederick
    

    
    Excellent excerpt, Ro.  Keep 'em coming.  Makes a lot of sense.
    
    Cindy

    Thank you for reminding me of a lesson I just learned recently.
     For a long time, after spending the weekends at my boyfriends house
    in NH, I'd spend Monday in a state of anxiety and it wouldn't really
    recede until Wednesday, when I went to counseling and talked about
    it.  Now, I have stopped waiting for the axe to fall and just enjoy
    each day as it comes and have stopped worrying about the future.
    
    
     And it wasn't until talking to a friend who mentioned some feelings
    of anxiety that I realized that I wasn't experiencing my Monday
    morning attacks anymore.