| Title: | Psychic Phenomena |
| Notice: | Please read note 1.0-1.* before writing |
| Moderator: | JARETH::PAINTER |
| Created: | Wed Jan 22 1986 |
| Last Modified: | Tue May 27 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 2143 |
| Total number of notes: | 41773 |
Intoxication and Other Near-Death Experiences
by Dave Barry
Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place
in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
Q -- Is there life after death?
A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve,
1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then
crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would
have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly
painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was
brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was
definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it
isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try
to eat any solid foods.
Q -- Why were we put here on Earth?
A -- I would say, just from going through the mail, that we were put here on
Earth to enter the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes.
Q -- Is there life elsewhere in the universe?
A -- Unquestionably. It is a known scientific fact that life gets steadily
more intelligent the farther you go in any direction from Waco, Texas.
This is why the Orient, which is on the opposite side of the Earth from
Waco, has historically been the source of philosophy and reliable
electronic products. It is only logical to conclude that beings in other
galaxies, some of which are millions of light-years from Waco, would be
*very* bright.
Q -- What is the gender gap?
A -- Let me first give some background for the benefit of you less-sensitive
males who have been unable to concern yourselves with women's issues
because you have been too busy standing on the street corner and making
little kissing noises. A while back, President Reagan and his aides were
flying out to the Western White House to chop wood when they looked out
the window and noticed this enormous gender gap covering most of Ohio.
They realized immediately that this gap could prevent the President from
being re-elected and implementing his policies, assuming he develops some
policies. So they appointed Sandra Day O'Connor, an admitted woman, to
the Supreme Court.
Then, to improve his image with women even further, he enlisted the help
of a woman whose objectivity cannot be questioned: his daughter, Maureen.
Here is what Larry Speakes said in announcing Maureen's new role: "As the
President's daughter, she has strong credibility". I am not making this
up.
Q -- What do you do if you're talking with somebody at a party for a half hour,
and he remembers your name but you can't remember his name, and another
person walks up, and you have to introduce them?
A -- First of all, remember that these are the 1980's. People understand that
this kind of thing happens all the time, and it's no big deal. The key
is to be as open and low-key as possible. Simply turn to the person
whose name you don't remember and in a natural way fall on the floor and
feign a seizure, contriving somehow to hurl your drink into the person's
face on your way down. While the other guests are trying to stick things
down your throat to prevent you from swallowing your tongue, somebody
will see the person wiping your drink from his eyes, and say, "Are you
okay, John?" and you'll know the person's name is John something.
Q -- What lies ahead for mankind?
A -- Despite all the prophecies of gloom and doom, I'm optimistic. I am
particularly heartened by the willingness of a growing number of everyday
people on both sides of the Iron Curtain to question the conventional
"wisdom" of their military and political leaders and demand an end to the
insane policies that for 30 years have kept both sides on the brink of an
unthinkable nuclear confrontation. I believe that within our lifetimes,
this popular groundswell will bring us -- slowly but inevitably --
towards the first meaningful reduction in nuclear arms. Then the Earth
will be struck by an enormous comet.
| T.R | Title | User | Personal Name | Date | Lines |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 817.1 | ;^) | MCIS2::MORAN | Thu Aug 04 1988 12:14 | 6 | |
Some how, I get the feeling, that you are some sort of, but I'm
not sure what sort, of a humerous creature.........
| |||||
| 817.2 | (;^) | TNPUBS::PAINTER | Planet Crayon | Fri Sep 01 1995 16:25 | 60 |
{Forwards deleted]
Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World
Friday August 25 09:31 a.m. EDT Rob Freundlich [email protected]
Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft
Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events
surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry
giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever
produced." But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events.
It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui,
spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we
just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing
product."
Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear
weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost
import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing
[nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government.
"The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that. It's such a small
planet!"
On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein
met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they
started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers.
Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends.
In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so
frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner."
Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told*
you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's
play some FreeCell!"
Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the
new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned
their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls
using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its
downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico
City.
On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports
that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of
the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When
I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!"
When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's
Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States,
replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows
97!"
Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his
returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are
unconfirmed at this time.
This article is Copyright (c) 1995 Rob Freundlich. It may be freely
distributed as long as no alterations other than the inclusion of this
copyright message are made. This copyright message *must* be included.
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