Conference hydra::dave_barry

1045.0. "Dave attends a Success Seminar" by BOOKIE::chayna.zko.dec.com::manana::eppes (Nina Eppes) Tue Apr 15 1997 18:42

April 11, 1997

Altered States
BY DAVE BARRY

What is the secret of success?

Why is it that one child grows up to become just an ordinary, ho-hum,
middle-of-the-pack, blah of a person such as -- no offense -- you; while
another child grows up to become a Theodore Roosevelt, a Mother Teresa, a
Donald Trump, an Attila the Hun?

Is it luck? Is it genes? Is it upbringing? Did Mr. and Mrs. Hun teach young
Attila some secret lesson that put him on the path to becoming No. 1?

Or is success something that any of us can achieve, even later in life, if
we're willing to work hard, use our imaginations, learn from our mistakes,
keep a positive mental attitude and -- above all -- pay money for a seminar?

That's what I decided to find out after seeing a full-page ad in The Miami
Herald announcing Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997, an all-day event that, according
to the ad, would reveal "the latest strategies for business and personal
success" not to mention "fuel your life to new highs." There were testimonials
from satisfied seminar-goers, including one who said: "You get a whole new
fervor for doing business and networking with clients."

This struck a chord in me, because I have never had any level of fervor for
doing business or networking with clients. When I was a boy, my parents had to
buy all my Little League candy from me, because I was too shy to sell it
door-to-door. As an adult, the only networking I ever do is when somebody at
The Miami Herald tells me a joke; I immediately get on the phone and relay it
to my friend Gene Weingarten at The Washington Post, who then tells me that he
already heard it.

So I figured Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997 might do me some good. The ad said:

"Winners concentrate on winning. Losers concentrate on getting by. You may be
able to get by if you don't come to Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997, but don't you
want to be there with the winners?"

And thus I found myself arriving at the Miami Arena shortly before 8 on a
Tuesday morning in March to begin a day that, when all was said and done,
would prove to be truly a transforming experience, if you define
"transforming" as "lasting as long as the Korean War, but sometimes louder."

I turned in my ticket, which I got by calling the toll-free number (where your
call is answered by a cheerful and sincere tape recording announcing, "It's a
great day at Peter Lowe International!"). Ticket prices ranged from $59 up to
$225; I purchased a seat in the middle price range, which cost $99 plus the
Random Charges They Always Add, for a total of $114.64.

The Arena was filling up with what eventually would be around 16,000 other
winners. These were friendly, neatly dressed people, mostly in their 20s
through 40s. Some were self-employed; some were unemployed; and many were from
local companies, which for months had been barraged with promotional materials
for the seminar.

The crowd was buying coffee and looking at the success products for sale at
various booths. The biggest displays were for Anthony Robbins Success
Products. If you don't know who Anthony Robbins is, go to your TV set right
now and turn it on; the odds are that you'll see an infomercial featuring a
relentlessly confident man with a jaw the approximate shape and size of Nevada
talking about taking your life to the Next Level. That's Anthony Robbins. He
has made millions of dollars urging people to be successful.

Robbins hit the big time back in the 1980s, during the firewalking craze.
Remember firewalking? The idea was that you paid money, and in return, you got
to walk on hot coals, and the purpose of this was to . . .

Gosh, I don't remember what the purpose was. Maybe it increased your
networking fervor. All I know is, for a while there firewalking was very big
-- it was on Phil Donahue -- and Anthony Robbins got into it on the ground
floor. Now he's Mr. Success. The Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997 ad states that
Robbins "is the foremost authority on the psychology of personal performance
and has been called one of the greatest influencers of his generation. He has
challenged and inspired millions around the globe and has been adviser to
President Clinton, royal families, numerous professional athletes and
countless Fortune 500 organizations."

Robbins sells a wide variety of Success Products, mostly audio- or
videocassette sets such as "Unlimited Power," "Personal Power" (I and II),
"Powertalk!," "Unleash the Power Within," "The Body You Deserve!" and "Get
Rich in America." At Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997, you could buy two Anthony
Robbins Success Products for $299, three for $429, four for $549 and five for
$649.

Since I was already $114.64 in the hole, I decided to hold off on the Success
Products for the time being. But I did pick up, for free, the notebook that
accompanied the seminar. The cover was a big picture of Anthony Robbins, and
the first page was a letter From the Desk of Anthony Robbins. It began, "Dear
Friend," and it said, in part:

"I have deep respect for you, for by your attendance today you've clearly
demonstrated that you are an individual committed to Constant and Never-ending
Improvement -- CANI! Let's make a joint commitment today to participate
together with a new level of intensity and passion, one that goes far beyond
anything we've done before. Through our playful, outrageous and passionate
levels of energy, let's make this a day that truly makes a difference: one you
will not soon forget."

I should point out that, according to a notice on page 2 of the notebook
CANI!(TM) is a trademark of Robbins Research International and may not be used
without permission. That also goes for a number of other Robbins trademarks,
including, but not limited to: Skills of Power(TM); Fear Into Power: The
Firewalk Experience(TM); Certification: The Power of Choice(TM); The
Psychology of Success Conditioning(TM); Neuro-Associative Conditioning(TM);
Date With Destiny(TM); Financial Destiny(TM); The Power To Influence(TM);
Unlimited Power(TM); Breakthrough To Synergy(TM); Mastery University(TM);
ActiveLink(TM); EmpowerNet(TM); Anthony Robbins & Associates(TM); Anthony
Robbins(TM); and Tony Robbins(TM).

Reading these terms, I began to fear that success might turn out to be a
really complicated subject, like chemistry. I briefly considered leaving the
Arena and joining all the other losers in the world outside, just
concentrating on getting by. But then I thought to myself: Hey, numerous
professional athletes have grasped these concepts, not to mention royal
families. How hard can they be?

So I went inside, took my seat, and prepared to fuel my life to new highs.
Here's how it went.

8 a.m.

The Arena is filling up. The loudspeakers are playing Desiree, by Neil
Diamond. I don't know whether listening to this song will turn out to be a key
ingredient in becoming successful; if it is, I'm in trouble.

After a few minutes, the sound gets much louder; the song playing now is Turn
the Beat Around. Six people -- three men and three women, in business attire
-- come running up a ramp and onto the stage. They begin prancing around the
stage, dancing and clapping to the music with the kind of energy that comes,
at 8:03 a.m., only from sincere enthusiasm or massive doses of
methamphetamine. They want us to dance and clap, too. Some people -- mainly
the ones in the expensive seats right in front of the stage, start doing the
Businessperson Boogie, clapping and getting as funky as they know how to get.
(On a funkyness scale ranging from a low of 0, which is Lawrence Welk, up to a
high of 10, which is James Brown, the Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997 audience
averages a 2.5, which is between Kingston Trio and Herman's Hermits.)

Up in the $114.64 seats, some of the people are clapping. Some of us, not yet
ready for the Next Level, are sipping our coffee.

After several minutes, the house lights dim, and Anthony Robbins(TM) himself
bounds onto the stage. He is very large -- large head; large body; large
hands; large teeth; large voice. He's wearing a dark suit, white dress shirt,
red power tie and suspenders. I think maybe he's an android. His shirt never
comes untucked, and his hair never moves, even when he jumps up and down and
waves his arms, which he does often, especially when he makes us go into a
Peak State. But I'm getting ahead of my story.

Tony, speaking through a rock-star-type headset microphone, tells us what kind
of audience he wants us to be: an energetic audience. He does not want us
sitting around like passive losers.

"We're gonna be like kids!" says Tony, causing me to worry that we're going to
have to give each other noogies. But instead, Tony tells us to turn and greet
our neighbors. He makes us do this three times, each time showing more energy
and enthusiasm, so that the third time we're supposed to hug our neighbors as
though we have just won the Super Bowl. At first it seems like a silly
exercise, but I have to admit that when it's over, I'm no longer feeling shy;
I'm feeling like an idiot.

Next Tony has us go into a Peak State. This is a state wherein you have peak
energy and peak joy and peak everything and you become unstoppable. Tony
explains the physiological process involved in getting into a Peak State; I
didn't follow the details, but it definitely involves neurons.

I probably should not reveal to you how to get into a Peak State, because it
might be a trademarked success concept, and you did not pay the $114.64. But
I'm feeling generous, so you should get a pen and paper, and get ready to
write down the following procedure for getting yourself into a Peak State, and
please don't tell anybody I told you this secret method:

1. Jump up and down and scream.

That's what Tony has us do. The Arena sound system, cranked up to Peak Volume,
starts playing Burnin' Love, and Tony runs around the stage throwing his arms
into the air. The audience members bounce up and down and wave their arms and
scream. It's like a rock concert, except that instead of, say, the Rolling
Stones on the stage, there's Tony in his suspenders. Jumping Jack Android.

After about 30 seconds of this, Tony stops us by shooting his arm forward in a
punching motion. He then tells us we are to remain in a Peak State as we
listen to our first motivational speaker -- let's give her a hugely energetic
welcome -- Elizabeth Dole!

The Lion-Petting Caper

Out she comes, one of America's Ten Most Admired Women, with her hair in Peak
State. Her topics, according to the newspaper ad for Peter Lowe's SUCCESS
1997, will include Steps To Improve Your Outlook, How To Gain The Perspective
That Will Change Your Directive, A Precise System Of Improvement and The
"Shovel Factory" Rule.

Mrs. Dole says that she's happy to be here in Miami, and informs us that, when
she was on the presidential campaign trail last year with her husband, Bob, "a
lot of humorous things happened." She doesn't tell us what these things were,
but she does tell us an entertaining story about the time back in the 1960s
when she was a new lawyer, just out of Harvard, and she had to defend a man
who was accused of illegally petting a lion at the zoo, and even though the
odds were against her and she was a woman, she won the case! Also, she informs
us, the men who signed the Declaration of Independence made a lot of
sacrifices. But now government has gotten too big. Americans have many good
ideas, but we go too far sometimes. But we should be hopeful for the future.

In her speech, Mrs. Dole, as far as I can tell, does not ever get around to
revealing The "Shovel Factory" Rule or any other specific success techniques,
unless your particular field involves defending alleged lion-petters. But she
gets a big hand at the end. Then Tony Robbins(TM) bounds back onto the stage
and, reminding us that he has worked with tons of Fortune 500 CEOs, orders us
to stand up and maintain our energy and focus. He then tells us that we have
to turn to our neighbors and give each other massages. He insists on this.

As a person who could not even sell Little League candy, I know there is no
way I'm going to massage a stranger, so I just stand there, not making eye
contact with my neighbors, scribbling furiously in my notebook, pretending to
be writing down an important success technique from the Dole lecture. The man
behind me kind of halfheartedly tickles my back; I turn to look at him, and we
both giggle in embarrassment, and he stops immediately.

After the massage, I'm hoping we can sit down for the next lecture, but Tony
orders us to go into a Peak State again. This time we're jumping and screaming
to rap music. When it's over, Tony says, "If you feel better than you did
before, make a fist and say YES!"

"YES!" shouts the crowd. I look at my watch. It's 9 a.m. Only nine more hours
to go!

Now Tony tells us to watch the big Arena screens, which show a videotape
introducing the next speaker, who is . . . Anthony Robbins(TM)! The video
tells us that Anthony Robbins(TM) has been all over the world and has met many
successful top world leaders including President Clinton, Nelson Mandela,
Mikhail Gorbachev, Princess Diana, Quincy Jones, Andre Agassi and the Los
Angeles Kings. (The video does not say whether Tony made Gorbachev go into a
Peak State, but I like to think he did.)

Then the announcer says, "Ladies and gentlemen, Anthony Robbins(TM)!" And Tony
comes bounding back on stage to give us his success secrets.

Unfortunately, I cannot reveal these secrets to you, because many of them are
trademark concepts, and quite frankly I don't want everybody who reads this
article to suddenly become successful and go to the Next Level; we winners
need people to remain on This Level so there will be somebody to clean the
upholstery on our Lear jets. But I will offer you some nuggets of information
from the Anthony Robbins(TM) presentation:

At one time, Tony was a pathetic loser who was 38 pounds overweight and living
in a 400-square-foot apartment and washing his dishes in the bathtub. But then
one day he was listening to the Neil Diamond song I Am, I Said, the one
wherein Neil sings about how no one heard him at all, not even the chair, and
Tony was so inspired by that song that he got up and lost the weight and went
on to become so fabulously outstandingly successful that you have to squint
when you look at him.

"Pointing the Bone"

-- It is not enough to be excellent. Excellence is for pathetic losers. You
have to be OUTSTANDING!

-- The most important thing in the world is: Psychology.

-- Anthony Robbins(TM), in addition to working with countless Fortune 500 CEOs
and world leaders, has trained 15,000 psychiatrists and psychologists
regarding: Psychology.

-- If you put your hands together, and the left thumb is on top, that means
one thing; but if the right thumb is on top, that means another thing; and
this is all related to: Psychology.

-- In some primitive cultures, they have a ritual called "pointing the bone,"
wherein a witch doctor points a bone at people, and the people, even if they
are perfectly healthy, just die, right there on the spot, and the reason is:
Psychology.

-- Andre Agassi became an outstanding tennis player after Tony gave him some
pointers on: Psychology.

-- Tony has also talked with both Arnold Schwarzenegger AND Sylvester
Stallone, and they both agree with Tony about: Psychology.

-- Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Nelson Mandela and Ted Turner are all
successful, and the reason is: Tapeworms. No, seriously, the reason is of
course: Psychology.

-- People should be responsible.

-- Even though Lorena Bobbitt was legally found not guilty, she was definitely
responsible for "chopping off Mr. Happy." As Tony puts it: "How can she be
found not guilty? If Mr. Happy is not attached, she is guilty!"

-- Sylvester Stallone wrote the script for Rocky in 18 hours.

Tony's presentation lasts nearly two hours. During this time Tony often makes
a statement and then says, "Everybody who agrees with me raise your hand and
say `I!' " When the crowd responds "I!" Tony says "Outstanding!" Sometimes
Tony mentions a company, such as American Express or McDonalds, and audience
members who work for those companies cheer. Tony also thumps himself on the
chest a lot, each time making a startlingly loud amplified sound. He is
definitely an android.

At one point Tony makes us put our bodies into a Must State. I'm not sure
whether a Must State is the same as a Peak State, but I DO know that a Must
State is very different from, and should never be confused with, a Should
State, which is for pathetic losers. The music they play when we go into our
Must State is the theme from Chariots of Fire. As it blares from the speakers
and Tony yells instructions at us, we make Must Gestures and make Must
Statements and give each other Must Looks. While this is happening I take a
lot of Must Notes.

At the end of his presentation, Tony alerts us to the fact that he has a
number of tape products outside, and they are for sale. He then tells us that
we need to go into another Peak State, because if we're not in a Peak State he
won't spin the Prize Wheel. So we go into a Peak State, and Tony spins the
Prize Wheel, and a lucky audience member wins a video recorder, and now it's
time for Tony to introduce our next speaker, so let's show some OUTSTANDING
energy for Rabbi Harold Kushner!

Rabbi Kushner is the author of the bestselling book When Bad Things Happen to
Good People. He gives a thoughtful talk about living a fulfilling, if not
necessarily outstanding, life. At one point he even suggests that winning is
not necessarily the ultimate goal of life. I like him because he does not make
us go into any kind of State.

When Tony gets back, he corrects this oversight immediately, and soon the
crowd is jumping and screaming to Macho Man. After a couple of minutes Tony
stops us, saying, "Have a seat in a Peak State, please." He then introduces
Brian Tracy, who according to the Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997 ad is a
"no-holds-barred sales trainer," as well as "the country's leading expert on
the development of the human potential and corporate performance with proven
insights on selling excellence and maximum achievement."

In his introduction, Tony notes that Brian has some success tapes for sale,
and says "Brian fills his tape products with a lot of take-home value."

Brian comes out and informs us right off the bat that we, the people who have
chosen to attend Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997, are the elite. Some other points
he makes are:

-- Optimism is good.

-- Communism was bad. "I've been to the Berlin Wall," Brian says, "and I've
been on both sides of the Iron Curtain, and I could tell you stories that
would take a long time."

-- Computers are important, and we should learn to use them.

-- The future will be "distinctly different" from the past.

-- We are ALL in sales.

-- We are ALL the presidents of our own companies.

-- Don't whine and complain!

Brian quotes from Abraham Lincoln, Aristotle, Harry Truman, Confucius and
Wayne Gretzky. He also speaks highly of Neil Diamond's song America, although
he attributes it to Neil Sedaka.

"God, that was a wonderful song," he says.

At the end, Brian tells us about the various tape products he has for sale,
including "a special audiocassette that will harmonize both hemispheres of
your brain." We can purchase all 10 of Brian's tape products for a special
Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997 seminar price of just $475.

At this point it's past noon and I would really, really like to purchase some
kind of lunch product, but when Tony Robbins(TM) comes bounding back onto the
stage he makes us massage each other AND go into a Peak State. Then he brings
on our next speaker, Lou Holtz, who has just resigned as head football coach
of Notre Dame. Lou is an aw-shucks kind of guy who gives a very professional,
entertaining and well-rehearsed speech full of self-deprecating humor and
homespun wisdom. Among the success points he makes are:

-- You have to overcome difficulty.

-- Try hard!

-- The most important thing in the world is: Belief.

-- If you want to be an All-American, you should not get involved with "booze
and drugs and sex and heroin."

Lou closes with a magic trick in which he appears to tear up a USA Today, but
actually does not. He leaves the stage to hearty applause, after which Tony
Robbins(TM) re-appears and tells us that:

1. Lou has a tape product available;

2. Mike Wallace, who was scheduled to speak at Peter Lowe's SUCCESS 1997, had
to cancel because of laryngitis, but he has been replaced by another wonderful
speaker whom we will hear after lunch; and . . .

3. If we come back from lunch promptly one hour from now, at 2:30 p.m., Tony
will spin the Prize Wheel TWICE!

Tilt Nose, Insert Celery

And so the crowd streams out onto the Arena concourse. I eat a hot dog product
and a Diet Coke product, then leave the Arena to take a walk. Outside, I
encounter a man sitting on the ground, begging for money.

"You got anything?" he says. "Dime? Nickel?"

I should probably tell this man that he needs to get his butt off the ground
and get himself into a Peak -- or at least a Must -- State. But it seems
simpler just to give him a quarter.

At 2:30 we return from lunch; the crowd seems to be feeling a bit mellower
after the break. Of course mellowness is for total losers, so Anthony
Robbins(TM) immediately has us up on our feet. This time, he tells us each to
select a partner to be our Physiology Buddy. He then instructs all the
Physiology Buddies to look each other in the eyes, raise their right hands,
and repeat a lengthy oath ("I am your Physiology Buddy, and I am ABSOLUTELY
COMMITTED to maintaining you in a HIGH ENERGY STATE . . . ").

Then, with the Arena speakers blasting Born to Be Wild, Tony has the
Physiology Buddies dance with each other, first with one buddy leading, then
the other. This, for me, is the highlight so far. I mean, here at Peter Lowe's
SUCCESS 1997, we may be the elite; but, as dancers, we have the fluid rhythmic
grace of a cow trying to get on an escalator. Across the aisle from me, two
Physiology Buddies -- these are businessmen in their 40s -- are jerking and
twitching around as though they are being attacked by invisible hornets. They
look sheepish, but determined. I wonder: If you told people that they'd become
successful if they walked around with celery stalks in their noses, would they
do it? Probably not, if YOU told them. But I bet they would if Anthony
Robbins(TM) told them to. They would PAY Tony to tell them to put celery
stalks in their noses. Except Tony would call it something like "CelerOnics,"
and it would be a trademarked concept.

Now Tony has the crowd singing at the top of its lungs: "BOOORN TO BE
WIIIIILLLD"

You can almost smell the networking fervor.

Once Tony has us back in a Peak State, he spins the Prize Wheel again, and
somebody wins a CD Boom Box. Tony then brings out the speaker replacing Mike
Wallace, an impressionist named Jim Morris. He does Ted Koppel, Tom Brokaw,
Dan Rather, Julia Child, his high-school principal, Andy Rooney, Bill Clinton,
Ronald Reagan and George Bush. He gets his biggest laugh as George Bush, when
he says: "We're breaking new wind." Fart jokes! Here at Peter Lowe's SUCCESS
1997! Things are looking up!

Our next speaker is Peter Lowe himself. He is described in the ad for Peter
Lowe's SUCCESS 1997 as "an entrepreneurial phenomenon as the founding
president and CEO of a $20 million organization that is responsible for the
largest seminars in the world -- SUCCESS 1997!" Tony Robbins(TM) introduces
him by telling us that Lowe has a "mission to really help as many people as he
can in his lifetime."

Before Lowe comes out, we watch a video about him, done as though it were a
documentary, hosted by a woman who says, "the reporter in me wants to find out
who this person really is." This is followed by a hard-hitting expos� --
featuring statements from Jack Kemp, Paul Harvey and Naomi Judd -- in which we
learn that Peter Lowe, despite being only in his 30s, is an outstandingly
wonderful human being.

Tony then leads us in applause as Peter Lowe comes out. Lowe is probably a
perfectly nice person, and I hope I am not jeopardizing my journalistic
objectivity when I say that he strikes me, personally, as a smarmy little
weasel. But far be it for me to pass judgment on an entrepreneurial
phenomenon, so I will summarize here the man points of his presentation, as I
understand them:

-- Stress is bad.

-- Peter Lowe has had stress, putting on seminars such as Peter Lowe's SUCCESS
1997.

-- At one point, he was losing $50,000 a week!

-- But he did not quit!

-- Winners never quit!

-- Abraham Lincoln did not quit!

-- Paul Harvey is another good example.

-- You should not leave your seed in the barn. ("Don't leave today with your
seed in the barn," are Peter Lowe's exact words.)

Lowe also tells us that he has a tape product available; he does not say
whether Abraham Lincoln does. We then take a 15-minute break and return to
give a major standing ovation as Tony Robbins(TM) introduces our next speaker
-- Heat Coach Pat Riley!

Rat on a Stick

The crowd goes nuts as Pat strides out in a suit that looks as if it costs
more than an F-16. He gives a confident talk containing these points:

-- He hopes the Heat wins the NBA championship some day.

-- Michael Jordan is an excellent basketball player.

-- "A mission is an image of a desired state that you want to get to."

-- The most important thing is: Attitude.

Pat also reveals that he was not always successful. When he was 9, he didn't
want to play sports; all he wanted to do was tunnel under the kitchen and (I
swear, this is what he says) grab his mother's ankles. He wanted to quit
basketball, but his dad wouldn't let him, and The Rest Is History.

This reminds me of an inspirational anecdote that happened to me when I was in
high school. I was on the track team, but I really stunk and I hated it, so I
decided to quit. So I told my dad, and he said: "Why?" And I said: "I hate
it." And my dad -- I will never forget this -- said "OK."

I didn't own any seed back then, but if I had, I probably would have left it
in the barn.

Pat leaves the stage to a thunderous ovation. Our next speaker is Dr. Ted
Broer, the author of Eat, Drink and Be Healthy. He tells us the Top Ten Foods
Never To Eat, starting out with the worst possible food group of all, which
according to Dr. Ted will pretty much kill you instantly if you so much as
look directly at it without sunglasses: The bacon, sausage, pepperoni and hot
dog group. This is exactly the group that I had for lunch.

In stressing how bad hot dogs are, Dr. Ted waves around a plastic rat and
claims that real rats sometimes fall into the machinery in meat-processing
plants and wind up in the hot dogs.

"So if you buy a corn dog," he says cheerfully, "you might as well call it
`rat on a stick.' "

Yum! Thanks, Dr. Ted!

The second lethal food group, according to Dr. Ted, is shellfish. He is
especially opposed to lobsters.

"A lobster is an arthropod," he says. "A cockroach is an arthropod. All a
lobster is, is a giant cockroach on the bottom of the ocean."

This is exactly what I have been telling people for years. For the first time
today, I feel like jumping up and cheering, but I don't, because we have not
been ordered into a Peak State.

Dr. Ted says the third lethal food is margarine, followed by artificial
sweeteners such as you find in Diet Coke, which is what I had for lunch along
with my rat on a bun. The rest of the Killer Food List includes alcohol,
coffee and unfiltered water, all of which are important components of my diet.
Basically Dr. Ted is telling me that, now that I have finally learned all
these secrets for success, I am going to be a highly motivated corpse.

I am feeling so depressed about this news that I barely listen as Dr. Ted
tells us about his various tape products. It's around 6 p.m., and I'm tired
and my body aches and I feel as though I've been sitting in the Arena since
Ponce de Leon was in Florida, looking for the Tape Product of Youth. So it is
with a sense of dread that I watch Anthony Robbins(TM) bound back to the stage
and NO PLEASE DON'T OH NO HE'S GOING TO MAKE US GO INTO A PEAK STATE AGAIN
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . .

But there is no stopping the Success Android. He makes us not only go into a
Peak State, but also do The Wave. He wants us to have maximum energy for our
next speaker, who is -- and I am not making this up -- George Bush.

It's a truly surreal moment when the former president of the United States
walks out and stands where, only a few minutes earlier, Dr. Ted Broer was
telling us not to eat margarine. President Bush looks relaxed and healthy,
despite the fact that he is known to snack on fried pork rinds, which I am
sure Dr. Ted would place in the same food group as Drano.

President Bush opens by talking about how honored he was to be president, and
about how he and Barbara are very proud to have treated the office of the
presidency with respect, unlike the slimeballs in the White House now. (He
does not state that last part explicitly, but the implication is clear.) He
then gives a relaxed, anecdotal speech containing these success tips:

-- The nation needs to remain strong.

-- We should all try to be Points of Light.

-- If you're having a problem coming to terms with a guy like the late French
President Mitterrand, it doesn't hurt to pour some wine into him.

-- Who are we to be telling Singapore not to cane people?

-- If you have to invade Panama, go ahead and invade Panama, and the hell with
what 60 Minutes thinks about it.

Secretary of State

President Bush leaves the stage to a standing ovation. It's now 6:30, and
we've been receiving success tips since approximately the time of the Big
Bang, but Anthony Robbins(TM) is urging us to stay for a bonus speaker; this
is Dan Kennedy, described in his promotional literature as a
"millionaire-maker" who "delivers more `meat' per minute than any other
business speaker!"

For those who want to leave before the bonus speaker, Anthony Robbins(TM)
starts wrapping up the day. As the Arena speakers play inspirational violin
music, Tony reviews some of the points made by the speakers we've heard, then
has us stand up and go into one final State, which is a Peak State AND a Must
State AND a Commitment State. Tony wants us to make a decision RIGHT NOW, and
to commit ourselves to ACTION. And to show our commitment, we are going to all
clap our hands rhythmically to inspirational music for 2 1/2 minutes.

And so the music starts playing, and we start clapping, and Tony strides
around the stage, thumping his chest and talking about resolve and commitment
and passion and love. And although I am by nature a pretty skeptical person, I
have to admit that I am feeling something -- something inside my soul,
something that is telling me to make a decision NOW, to commit myself to a
course of action NOW. And so I decide to skip the bonus speaker, and I put my
body into an Exit State.