Conference 7.286::humor

944.0. "The Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide" by KERNEL::FISHERC () Mon May 12 1997 13:18

                      The Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide
        SYMPTOM                 CAUSE               ACTION TO BE TAKEN

 Drinking fails to give  Mouth not open while  Buy another pint and
 satisfaction and taste; drinking, or glass    practice in front of mirror.
 shirt front wet.        being applied to      Continue until technique
                         wrong part of face.   perfected.
 Drinking fails to give
 satisfaction and taste;                       Find someone who will buy
 beer unusually pale and Glass empty.          you another pint.
 clear.
                                               Turn glass so that the open
 Feet cold and wet.      Glass being held at   end points toward the
                         incorrect angle.      ceiling.

                                               Go and stand next to the
                                               nearest dog. After a while
 Feet warm and wet.      Loss of self control. complain to the owner about
                                               its lack of house-training
                                               and demand another pint in
                                               compensation.
                         You are looking
 Bar blurred.            through the bottom of Find someone who will buy
                         your empty glass.     you another pint.
 
                         Air turbulence
 Bar swaying.            unusually high - may  Insert broom handle in back
                         be due to darts match of jacket.
                         in progress.
                                                Find out if you are being
 Bar moving.             You are being carried taken to another pub - if
                         out.                  not complain loudly that you
                                               are being kidnapped.

 You notice that the                           If glass is still full and
 opposite wall is                              noone is standing on your
 covered with ceiling    You have fallen over  drinking arm, stay put. If
 tiles, and has a        backwards.            not get someone to help you
 fluorescent strip light                       up and lash yourself to the
 across it.                                    bar.

 Everything has gone dim
 and your mouth is full  You have fallen over  As for falling over
 of cigarette butts and  forwards.             backwards.
 teeth.

 you have woken up to
 find your bed hard,                           Check your watch to see if
 cold and wet. You       You have spent the    it is opening time. If not
 cannot see your bedroom night in the gutter.  treat yourself to a lie in.
 walls or ceiling.

 Everything has gone
 dark.                   The pub is closing.   PANIC!!!