Conference 7.286::humor

928.0. "Creative Writing" by OSITEL::BRITTAIN (Peter, TOEM support Munich @RTO 865-3102) Thu Mar 06 1997 03:42

RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: (believe this who will -pb ;-)

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller

        In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to reread
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

 ------------------------------------------------------------

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So camomile was out of
the question.

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think
about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie
with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S. Harris
to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman
who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through
Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours
after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.  The
lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.  The President,
in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table.  "We can't allow this!  I'm going to
veto that treaty!  Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

    This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

    Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

    Asshole.

    Bitch.