Conference 7.286::humor

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.  When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who
solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches...  The bad news is that  it
will
require castration.  You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles
to press up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates one
hell of a headache.  The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he has anything to live
for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no
choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person.  He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need:
a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...  size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...  34 sleeve and...  16 and
a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

 "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.  Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly.  Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's  see...
size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."


The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.  It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."

************************************************************************

    
    A man goes to his Doctor to see if he can get any cure for
    his terrible stammer.
    
    "Hhhhheeelllloo Dddddoctor" he stammers....
    
    "Ccccan you hhhhhelp mmme ttto ssstttop ssstttammering ?"
    
    At this point the Doc. asks the man to go behind the
    screen and take of all of his clothes.  The man complies
    with the request and the Doc. starts to examine him.
    
    "Ah Ha..." says the Doc.
    
    "I can see exactly what the problem is here, your penis
     is so large that it's weight is pulling down on your
     spine and this load is being transferred to your larynx
     thus inducing the stammer."
    
    "Ccccccan yyyyou hhhhelp me Ddddoc ?" asks the man..
    
    "Yes, certainly.  I can amputate the last 12 inches of
     your penis, this should relieve enough pressure to stop
     the stammer"
    
    "Ok...Ddddddoc, gggggoooo ahead" says the man
    
    Surgery is performed and the man is discharged from hospital
    with an appointment for a check-up one week later.
    
    One week passes and he goes back to see his Doctor, he knocks
    on the door of the surgery and walks in...
    
    "It's fantastic Doc, I can speak without stammering" he says
    
    "I'm more outgoing, successful at work and I'm meeting new
     friends all the time.  The only problem is that I can't
     satisfy my wife anymore and our marriage is starting to
     crumble.  I can't face losing her; so I've decided, stammer
     or not, I want you to sow my penis back on.  Can you help ?"
    
    To which the doctor replies:
    
    "Ffffffff!*k Off"
    
    *8-)
    Kev.