Conference 7.286::humor

     "I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting
     Slinky's on the escalator."

     "When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the
     backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."

     "Some people think George is weird, because he has
     sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird,
     because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George
     is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...
     you can't hear him talk."

     "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static
     electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to
     rub balloons on your head."

     "Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He
     got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."

     "All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above
     me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady
     across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a
     pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the
     vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

     "Last year we drove across the country... We switched on
     the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape
     to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember
     what it was..."

     "He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all
     of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell
     which way to put batteries in..."

     "I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so
     I had to buy them again..."

     "One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my
     car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned
     it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it
     around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He
     said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then
     I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran
     outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my
     driveway."

     "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."

     "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
     song?"

     "I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
     Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it
     will be up all night.
     I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the
     prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
     I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know
     how I got there.
     I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who
     live above me are furious!
     Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
     were trapped on the escalators.
     Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
     beach...