Conference clt::cobol

3201.0. "COBOL never dies (humour) -- many forwards removed" by SPSEG::PLAISTED (Subspace Gaseous Anomaly) Tue Feb 18 1997 17:15

 There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s.  For the
 sake of this story, we'll call him Goovoo.  After years of being taken
 for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX
 programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers,
 Goovoo was finally getting some respect.  He'd become a private
 consultant specialising in Year 2000 conversions.  He was working
 short-term assignments for prestige companies, travelling all over the
 world on different assignments, and making more money than he'd ever
 dreamed of.
 
 He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
 Soon he could retire.
 
 Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
 on Goovoo.  He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams
 about the Year 2000.  It had reached a point where even the thought of
 the year 2000 made him nearly violent.  He must have suffered some sort
 of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid
 the year 2000 and all that came with it.
 
 Goovoo decided to contact a company that specialised in cryogenics.  He
 made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000.  This was a
 very expensive process and totally automated.  He was thrilled.  The
 next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the
 New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
 Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.
 
 He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
 revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
 minimum, and that was that.
 
 The next thing that Goovoo saw was an enormous and very modern room
 filled with excited people.  They were all shouting "I can't believe
 it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!".  There were cameras
 (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
 of a science fiction movie.
 
 Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward.
 
 Goovoo couldn't contain his enthusiasm.  "It is over?" he asked.  "Is
 2000 already here?  Are all the millennial parties and promotions and
 crises all over and done with?"
 
 The spokesman explained that 2000 had gone, but that there had been a
 problem with the programming of the timer on Goovoo's cryogenic
 receptacle - it hadn't been year 2000 compliant, and it was now March
 15th of 2099, not 2000.  But the spokesman told Goovoo that he
 shouldn't get excited as someone important wanted to speak to him.
 
 Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man
 that looked very much like Bill Gates.  This man was Prime Minister of
 Earth.
 
 He told Goovoo not to be upset.  That this was a wonderful time to be
 alive.  That there was world peace and no more starvation.  That the
 space programme had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon
 and on Mars.  That technology had advanced to such a degree that
 everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
 anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
 any music recorded anywhere.
 
 "That sounds terrific," said Goovoo.  "But I'm curious.  Why is
 everybody so interested in me?"
 
 "Well," said the Prime Minister.  "2100 is just around the corner, and
 it says in your files that you know COBOL".