Conference fievel::chocolate

331.0. "Humor: The Chocolate Ritual" by ORION::chayna.zko.dec.com::tamara::eppes (Nina Eppes) Mon Jun 02 1997 16:06

>------- Start of forwarded message -------
>In rec.humor.funny, [email protected] (Ian) wrote:
>
>
>This came through Last night, on soc.religion.paganism.
>
>- ------
>"Copyright 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to repost as
>long as the contents are unaltered and this notice is attached."
>
>"Minor additions by S'BAT Chapter made with the author's permission."
>
>THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL
>
>Materials required:
>
>On the altar are
>
>     brown candles,
>     a Tootsie Roll (the great big one - as the athame),
>     a large glass with milk in it (the chalice),
>     a small dish of Hershey's Syrup and a spoon,
>     a small dish of chocolate sprinkles,
>     a plate of cupcakes,
>     some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet,
>     and small dish of chocolate ice cream.
>
>The Celebrants
>
>     Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss)
>     High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker)
>     Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy)
>     High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar)
>
>Cleanse the Sacred Space
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy take the small dish of chocolate sprinkles
>
>Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
>No calories in thy presence last.
>Let no harm adhere to me
>And as I will so mote it be!
>
>Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hershey's Syrup, spoon and large
>glass with milk
>
>Hershey's Syrup where thou art cast
>Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
>Let all good things come unto me,
>and make my milk all chocolatey!
>
>Cast The Circle
>
>Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle
>three times
>
>Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation
>
>In the beginning,
>there was the word.
>And the word was Chocolate.
>And it was good.
>Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal.
>
>Call the Quarters
>
>Betty Crocker
>Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
>Great princess of the palace of dessert!
>Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers
>approaching from the East.
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Fondue of the South, Molten one!
>Great prince of the palace decadence!
>Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets
>approaching from the South.
>
>Swiss Miss
>Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
>Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers!
>Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob
>approaching from the West.
>
>Mr. Goodbar
>Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
>Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food!
>Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap
>imitations approaching from the North.
>
>MAIN RITUAL
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called:
>Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee,
>and by many other names:
>
>Swiss Miss
>Whenever you have one of those cravings,
>once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
>then shall you assemble in a great public place
>and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,
>who is Queen of all Goodies.
>
>In the mall shall you assemble,
>you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more.
>To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
>And you shall be free from depression.
>And as a sign that you are truly free,
>you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
>and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in
>my presence.
>
>For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine,
>and mine is also the joy on earth,
>yea, even into high orbit
>for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand".
>Keep clean your fingers,
>carry Wet Ones always,
>let none keep you from Me.
>
>For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth,
>and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips
>and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
>I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy
>onto the tummies of women and men.
>
>Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious,
>and beyond death
>well, I can't do much there.
>Sorry about that.
>
>I demand only your money in sacrifice,
>for behold,
>chocolate is a business,
>and you have to pay for those truffles
>before you eat them.
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess,
>she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations,
>whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:
>
>Betty Crocker
>I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips,
>and the satisfying softness of big bars,
>the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,
>and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire,
>call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me.
>
>For I am the soul of candy,
>from Me do all confections spring,
>and unto Me all of you shall return,
>again.... and again... and again.... and again.
>
>Before My smeared face,
>beloved of women and men,
>thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
>Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
>For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals.
>
>Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess,
>crispness and crackling,
>big slabs and bite size pieces,
>peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you.
>
>And you who think to seek Me,
>know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not
>unless you know the Mystery:
>"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it"
>
>For behold:
>I have been with you since you were just a baby,
>and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
>Messed be.
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called:
>Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Musketeers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars,
>Willy Wonka and by many other names:
>
>Mr. Goodbar
>I am the strength of the candy rack,
>and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have
>gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate.
>
>No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate,
>I will hunt you out,
>and I will become your sacred prey.
>
>I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter,
>and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive
>Godiva store downtown.
>
>I give you My creatures,
>the fire of love of chocolate,
>the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way
>bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out.
>
>You are dear to Me,
>and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
>forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
>with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.
>
>By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun,
>I charge you,
>by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot
>and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you,
>and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I
>charge you.
>
>Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you.
>The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy.
>Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa,
>and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.
>
>Yet you must be wary of deceit.
>Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate,"
>for it is vile and bitter.
>
>Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
>Be not greedy,
>but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
>Leave a little for someone else.
>
>I am with you always,
>just over your shoulder,
>or around the next corner.
>
>I am the Lord of Chocolate,
>and when you have reached the end of you hoard,
>I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner.
>
>I am the spirit of the wild child,
>the inner child who can never get quite enough.
>If you are a true chocolate lover,
>then your soul and mine are intertwined.
>
>Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo
>
>Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo
>
>Mr. Goodbar
>Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate
>
>Betty Crocker
>Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"
>
>Swiss Miss
>And neither one is carob
>
>Mr. Goodbar
>As the frosting is to the cupcake
>
>Betty Crocker
>So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>And when they are eaten,
>they are yummy in truth,
>
>Swiss Miss
>for there is no greater snack in all the world
>than one made of chocolate.
>
>blessing of the cupcakes
>
>Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Frosting is keen
>
>Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
>And frosting is neat
>
>Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
>Great Goddess! Let's eat!
>
>Feasting and Drinking
>
>Dismiss Quarters
>
>Betty Crocker
>Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East,
>we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
>and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
>we say unto you,
>
>All participants
>"Choooooooc-laaaaate"
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South,
>we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
>and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
>we say unto you,
>
>All participants
>"Choooooooc-laaaaate"
>
>Swiss Miss
>Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West,
>we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
>and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
>we say unto you,
>
>All participants
>"Choooooooc-laaaaate"
>
>Mr. Goodbar
>Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North,
>we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
>and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
>we say unto you,
>
>All participants
>"Choooooooc-laaaaate"
>
>Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final
>satisfying belch at the east
>
>Open Circle
>
>Pillsbury Dough Boy
>Go now in perfect love,
>perfect trust,
>and perfect chocolate
>
>- --
>Selected by Jim Griffith.  MAIL your joke to [email protected].
>
>If you mail to [email protected], it makes sure that your joke is tagged
>as your original work, Always attribute the source of a joke, whether
>it's you, or somebody else.  For the full submission guidelines,
>see http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/
>
>- -- 
>------- End of forwarded message -------
>