Conference decwet::physics

422.0. "The Dark Sucker Theory" by BSS::GINDHART () Wed Apr 16 1997 10:29

The Dark Sucker Theory

   For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but 
recent information has proved otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't emit light; 
they suck dark.  Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

   The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that 
dark has mass and is heavier than light.

   First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck 
dark.  For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.  There is 
much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.  The larger the 
Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the 
parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in 
this room.

   So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever.  Once they are 
full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the dark spot on 
a full Dark Sucker.

   A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker.  A new candle has a white wick. 
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing 
all the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you put a pencil next to 
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.  This is because it 
got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  One of the 
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

   There are also portable Dark Suckers.  In these, the bulbs can't handle 
all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit.  When 
the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced 
before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

   Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the 
mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark 
Sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a 
solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a great amount 
of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

   Also, dark is heavier than light.  If you were to swim just below the 
surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.  If you were to slowly 
swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker.
When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.  This is because 
the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light 
floats at the top.  The is why it is called light.

   Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to 
stand  in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened 
the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But
since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the 
closet.

   Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

    
    
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    chas.roc