Conference misery::feline_v1

3864.0. "The IBF REVEALED! Is your cat a member?" by IOSG::THOMPSONR (Nostalgia isn't what it used to be) Thu Aug 02 1990 06:15

    This little gem was posted to me today.  I couldn't think of anyone 
    better to share it with.....!
    
    [Ruth and her two members of the IBF. Read on...!]
    
			------------------
     
	Well, my suspicions about Mehitabel have been confirmed.  Not
only have Andy and I correctly surmised that "Mehitabel" is not really the
cat's true name but that her bad behavior is necessitated by forces beyond 
our control.  I was cleaning out the carrier box she normally sleeps
in and discovered some chilling artifacts.  
 
	I was not really surprised to find the catnip joints.  I was a
little perturbed that she had the dexterity to tear off sections of the
San Francisco Chronicle and use them as rolling papers.  She could have
asked for real papers.  The thought of her inhaling all that zinc had
me upset.  She explained she didn't think I knew what rolling papers
were because I am (get this folks!) so "unhip".  
 
	It was the documents that really destroyed me.  Do you know that
cat's are required to have People Licenses? Seriously! I always wondered
why I was finding her in my box of personal papers.  She was looking for
documents from the People Vet certifying that I had all my shots.  This
angered me and I shot back, "So I suppose you want to know if I am spayed,
too." "No", she purred (flexing a claw), " They only require that when you
have a pedigree and Bast knows you are NOT pedigreed."
 
	The Union Contract explained it all.  She was greatly abashed when I
discovered it.  She begged and pleaded with me not to reveal it, but I
feel that I am performing a desparately valuable service to humanity.
 
 
	Here are excerpts from this incredible piece of feline literature...
	
	
		INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF FELINES
			LADIES' AUXILIARY
		SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA LOCAL 1789.2
		
		(*Note, this is the Haight Ashbury Branch *)
		
I Mu!!rrr? (*Note: Mehitabel's real name) solemnly swear before Bast that I
will uphold the lofty principles of the IBF with the greatest fervor that
can be accomplished within my powers.
(*Note IBF = International Brotherhood of Felines *)
I will endeavor to practice the following skills daily with my human(s):
 
1.  PRECISION HAIRTHROWING.
	(Longhairs incl.  Persians and Himalayans read supplement 1.2a).
	1.1 Hair must be shed at the rate of 3,000 hairs per 24 hour period.
	The preferred locations are: beds, dark suits, silk dresses, baby
	human's faces and hands, and dark carpets.
	
	1.2 Hair must be accurately aimed from the body, taking into account
	lightness of the hair being thrown and wind factors.  Beverages
	and sticky human-food are prime targets.  When being "petted" by
	the human, endeavor to throw maximal amounts toward the face.
 
	[This goes on for pages revealing the Union's formidable under-
	 standing of aeordynamics and trajectory physics].
	 
3.  CAR HABITS
	3.1 Walk only on very shiny cars that the human's spend the most
	time on.  They douse these things with water because they are too
	massive to lick with their small tongues.  Walk across the cars
	after the humans have watered them and have gone inside.
	
	3.2 Never pee in a car.  They are great to sleep in.
	
	3.3 When in a car with the human, scream constantly.
	[Note that Section 2 went into detail about the psycoacoustics
	 necessary to drive humans crazy.  It gets very technical.]
	
	3.4 When outside, take every opportunity to sleep under a car with
	an oil leak.  Afterwards, go inside and rub it on everything until
	the owner gets the message and cleans it off you.
	
	[Section 4 is on staring]
	[Section 5 is on pretending to fight with other cats to freak humans
	 out]
 
7.  BODY CROSSINGS AND SLEEPING
	7.1 Walk across the parts of the human that are most sensitive.
	You can tell by the amount of wiggling they do.  Preferred targets
	on the toms are the groin and armpit.  Preferred targets on the 
	queens are the teats and the face (which they assiduously paint
	with colorful goop).
	
	(*Note: a "queen" is the female, a "tom" is a male)
 
	7.2 Sleep on the human with a single claw inserted into the
	epidermis.
	
	7.3 Sleep very close to baby human's faces.  This makes the female
	humans scream and chase you.  Lots of fun!
	
	7.4 When humans indulge in mating behavior, get in close for a
	better vantage point.  Lie between them, or better yet, sit up
	on the shoulders of the one highest up.  If they toss you out,
	stare intently.  [Section 6 describes human mating habits and
	styles of interruption]
 
8.  DECORATION
	8.1 Sofa decoration.  THese need to be fluffed up with the claws
	a little for the fuzzy look.  When you need to stretch, dig the
	claws into the sofa and pull HARD.  If the sofa does not give,lie
	on your side and dig at it with the hindclaws.
	
	8.2 Urination.  This is risky.  Some humans take great umbrage at your
	attempts to make the place smell more *you*.  This could land you
	in the Pound.  Worth a try about once or twice a heat.
	
	8.3 Bed making.  Most humans don't mind if you make the bed to your
	specifications.  Just push the blankets into a bunch at one end
	of the bed and curl up in it.  Look exceptionally cute when you lie 
	there.
	[etc]
	
	Other details in this scandalous document involves sitting whatever
you are reading and helping you type by playing with the keys.  Mehitabel
is in a little trouble with the Union because she isn't the escape artist
she used to be.  She got tired of pretending to fight other cats when one
(a scab, not a Union member) tried to *really* beat her up.  I offered to
help her get into the Oakland chapter, but she insists we move to a better
neighborhood so it would look better on her resume.
	
	Can't please everyone.
 
*****

    That was super...thanks for sharing!  Boy are my cats members! 
    I could see atleast one of them in every item..especially the one
    with sitting on the car.  We bought a new car and every night there
    is atleast two of mine sitting so pretty on top of the roof.  But
    of course to get to the roof they had to walk on every inch
    of the car.  Kitty paw marks all over....
    
    Sandy and her IBF members!

    Where's that part about throwing up hairballs on the carpet or
    the bed?

    
    
    So THAT is what Bailey has been doing with The Chron....
    
    
    

    Thanks for that, now I'm going to send it to my husband's account.  He
    needs some guidance, and need to be shown that these are NOT annoying
    habits, but in fact a way for "the children" to show how much they love
    him!!  Especially like the part on "mating behavior of humans" gee we
    can really relate to That one!!
    Lyn