Conference misery::feline_v1

3172.0. "Cat Tails..." by YIELD::HARRIS () Thu Dec 21 1989 21:20

    I was cleaning up some of my unknown mail folders and came across this
    message from a COOP who worked for me a while back.  I had gone on a 
    trip to Europe and asked him to take care of my little Emmy, I call
    her M.  She is discused by my current roommate John in an earlier note.
    I thought some of you would get a kick out of this. 
    
    -Bruce 
    
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From:	SCOMAN::HUGHES "and they pelted us with rocks and garbage  25-Mar-1988     0836" 25-MAR-1988 08:35:32.28
To:	YLD,HUGHES      
Subj:	Meow


                                THE LEGEND OF M
           subtitled: Essay: On Cats, Hell, and Other Related Topics


          Cat's are cute little things, sort of dustballs with feet, and  I
     always  imagined  that  I might like to have one some day.  Then Bruce
     Harris asked me if I would babysit his cute, little, bundle of joy, M.

          In retrospect, I might suggest to Bruce, with a smile,  that  his
     little  DEMON  CAT  FROM  HELL  doesn't  need  babysitting,  it  needs
     electro-shock treatments.  If I had had the time, I would have  dug  a
     deep (very deep) pit in the back yard and kept the cat there.  I might
     even have given it a few pounds of soil "to play with".

     DAY ONE- The Deception:
          Bruce has dropped off a cute mellow  little  cat,  and  mentioned
     that  the  cat gets lonely and likes company.  I found it adorable and
     played with it for quite a while, to make  it  feel  at  home.   I  am
     wondering what the "M" stands for.

     DAY TWO- Welcome to Hell:
          I wake up and slither out of bed, feeling like sh-t.  A cat isn't
     as  cute  at  2AM  as  it  is at 9PM.  When I dozed off (around 4AM, I
     think) the cat amused itself by playing with ALL of the things  I  had
     on my shelves, desk, bureau, etc.  For some reason cats prefer to play
     with things on the floor.  I journey across the room and out the  door
     and  the  cat discovers the thing it (I don't think demons have sexes)
     will covet for the rest of its stay,  an  open  door.   After  a  cute
     little  game  of  "Catch  the  F#%&ing Cat", I get my shower and go to
     work.
          I return home, after a long arduous day of work, open  the  door,
     and  get  hit  in the face by a ninety mile an hour bundle of fur with
     claws.  I don't think any malice was intended, however, the hell spawn
     was  simply  using  my  face as a springboard to the hall.  I lure the
     little projectile into the room with  some  food,  and  barricade  the
     door.   I  bring a little baseball bat to bed for protection, and dose
     off.   I'm  not  sure  what  the  "M"  stands  for,  perhaps  it's  an
     abbreviation  for some Latin word meaning "Pestilence".  I'm wondering
     if it isn't really "The Four Horsemen and the Cat of the Apocalypse".

     DAY THREE- Terror Sets In:
          I must have dozed off, and let my guard down, because my  bat  is
     in  six pieces and the cat is sleeping on my chest.  I'm wondering why
     it prefers the top bunk and not the more easily accessible one  below.
     I  help  the cat "access" the lower bunk with a nudge, and it gives me
     an evil look as it picks itself off the floor.  I  decide  to  take  a
     short vacation and leave the cat with my friend.

     DAY NINE- Welcome Home:
          The is a "Welcome Home" note on my door.  The note suggests  that
     I  take  my  cat someplace I would rather not go, although I think the
     cat would feel right at home.  My friend wonders why the  cat's  vocal
     cords  were  not removed when it was spayed, and volunteers to perform
     such an operation.  "M" has discovered another cat down the  hall  and

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     delights  in  terrorizing  it.  The hell spawn must have had some free
     time, so it remodeled my room for me.  I figured  out  the  name.   It
     must be short for some long, unpronouncible name that all demons have.

     DAY TEN- Only Three to Go:
          The cat must have missed me,  so  we  stayed  up  extra  late  to
     reminisce  old  times.   I  am going to buy another bat on my way home
     from work.  The cat tried to save Bruce money on food  by  chowing  my
     plants.   I  was hoping, but it didn't get sick.  I changed the litter
     box, but couldn't find any Lye to add to it.  I am thinking of sending
     a  telegram  to  Bruce.  I am glad my name does not contain the letter
     "M", I will not marry anyone whose name contains the letter  "M",  and
     none of my kids names will contain the letter "M".

     DAY ELEVEN- Will I Make It?:
          I'm going to sue "M", Bruce, and the SPCA.  "M" has bored of  the
     cat  down the hall, and now delights in terrorizing me.  I am a wreck.
     "M" now sleeps on my bed all the time.  I just cleared myself a little
     space on the floor.  I am writing a note to my congressman to have the
     letter "M" stricken from the English Language.

     DAY TWELVE- Longing for the Good Old Days:
          I will count down the seconds until  Bruce  returns.   The  floor
     isn't  too  bad,  but I will be glad to have a bed back.  I will never
     use "That Letter" again, and If I hear you use it, I will kill you.
    

    Bruce,
    
    I loved it!!  Very cute and clever.  I can just picture M, (oops,
    I used THAT LETTER), the demon cat from hell, terrorizing your poor
    friend in your absence!
    
    Jo

    
    What a great story!!!!  The images going through my mind as I read
    this were hilarious!
    
    Thanks for sharing a fun Christmas treat!
    
    Lynn
    

    I found the story amuzing for the most part - especially the parts
    about getting the letter M stricken from the English language.
    
    I may be oversensitive - but the references to animal abuse - like
    putting M in a pit in the backyard - ruined alot of the story for
    me.  Too bad those sections can't be changed,.
      Nancy DC

    I think that the whole story was meant in fun.  The author was merely
    stating that the behavior of the cat almost drove him to putting
    the cat in a pit in the yard.  It was not suggesting animal abuse.
    
    I am sure that we have all had times were we "threatened" our cats
    with one type of punishment or another for some misdead that they
    have done.  This is always said in fun, never meant as a real threat.
    
    As you can see, the misdead's of M were exaggerated, and so were
    the punishments.
    
    Jo

    I have trouble seeing a difference between the stuff in the story
    and things like what we see in "Christmas Vacation" or things
    like "I love cats -- DEAD ones!" or "Crushed Kitty".  I don't
    find any of that funny.  If that means I'm oversensitive then
    so be it.
    

    Maybe you should think of putting the demon "M" in the pit not a cat.
    By the way I'm going on vacation in Feb. any one care to take M in 
    for a couple of weeks:-).
    
    -Bruce

    Bruce -
      A good way to look at it!  Thanks.
    
    re: M - um..... "The inn is full" "The inn is full"......
      Nancy DC