Conference misery::feline_v1

1887.0. "A little light enjoyment for your reading pleasure!" by TOPDOC::TRACHMAN (E.T.'s ZhivagoCats....DTN: 264-8298) Tue Oct 18 1988 15:16

    
    
    
    
    	               For Cat Lovers Everywhere!!


			THE PURR-FECT TV NETWORK
			________________________


	There are 57.8 million cats in the United States and at least half
as many guilty owners.

	Why are the owners guilty?  Because they leave their cats alone all
day at home.  Because they know they could be, should be, doing more for their
cats.  Because, no matter how much they're doing for their cats now, they
know that their cats know that it's not enough.

	That's why we have developed the first cable channel specifically,
exclusively, for cats and their owners:  CAT-TV.  Why should your cat be bored?
He could be entertained, even when you're not there.  He could be learning
something.

	Herewith is a listing of a typical day's programs, all closed-captioned
for cats:

	6 a.m.:	Stretching with Kitty (exercise)

	6:30 a.m.:  Birdcalls for Beginners (instruction)

	7 a.m.:	Garfield and Friends (cartoon) 

	7:30 a.m.:  Heathcliff (cartoon)

	8 a.m.:	Catalogue (news-magazine).  Topics include: the myth of
		the odor-free litter box; scented litter-the feline 
		equivalent of radon?

	9 a.m.:	Power-napping:  Tips from top experts on how to get more
		out of your naps.

	10 a.m.:The Opurr Show (talk).  Opurr's guest is T. Flora DeBouch,
		author of "The 8-Week New Age Crystal Cholesterol Cure 
		for Cats."

	11 a.m.:Catcentration (game)

	11:30 a.m.:  Catopics (talk).  Scheduled:  Flea collars for humans?
		     Also:  Experts demonstrate the finer points of furniture
		     scratching and carpet destruction.

	12 p.m.:  Nine Lives to Live (drama).  Tiger and Puffy ponder whether
		  to adopt or to have a litter of their own; after their
		  romantic night on the town Daphne discovers that Felix
		  was high on catnip and doesn't remember a thing.

	12:30 p.m.:  All My Kitens (drama).  Calico rejects the romantic 
		     overtures of a handsome purebred Abyssinian and 
		     fantasizes about Tripod; Mittens turns up in a cat
		     shelter, suffering from amnesia.

	1 p.m.:	The Cat is Right (game)

	1:30 p.m.:  Ultra-Napping.  Advanced napping techniques are explored.

	2 p.m.:	 Movie.  "By Cats Possessed."  Sandy Dennis stars as a high-
		 powered executive who decided to give up her six-figure
		 income to stay at home and be a full-time servant to her
		 29 cats.

	3:30 p.m.:  Wonderful World of Wildlife.  Topic:  Luring birds to
		    your backyard feeder.

	4 p.m.:	The Feline Gourmet.  Cartoonist and cat fancier Nicole
		Hollander prepares Shrimp Salad a la Cat.

	5 p.m.:	Feline Focus (talk).  Scheduled topic:  The last taboo -
		eating your young.

	6 p.m.:	Cat-TV News

	7 p.m.:	National Geographic, "The Big Cats."

	7:30 p.m.:  National Geographic.  "The Small Birds."

	8 p.m.:	"He's the Boss!" (comedy).  Lorenzo gets the upper paw, 
		 as usual.

	8:30 p.m.:  Cats of the Rich and Famous.  Host Robin Leach visits
		    glamorous Zsa Zsa's gorgeous prize-winning Persian 
		    Cha Cha and tours her faculous, super-luxurious,
		    'creme de la creme', architecture-designed, hand-crafted
		    carrier basket.

	9 p.m.:	Movie.  "The Great Catsby."  An outstanding all-cat cast
		interprets the Fitzgerald classic.

	10:30 p.m.:  Tales fromt he Cats' Side (drama).  Complications arise
		     when a clever tomcat sells his owner's soul to the
		     devil in exchange for a unlimited supply of fresh shrimp.

	11 p.m.: Cats' World (news magazine). Scheduled:  "Gifted" cats;
		 also, Dr. Bonnie Jo Munson, author of "The Cats Who
		 Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them Diet and Fitness
		 Plan."                
    
    E.T.
	

    This CAT-TV -- is it good for CATatonic cats? I wouldn't want a
    CATastrophe on my hands. The last time my cats watched TV, they
    were watching a sailing program and went out and bought a CATamaran!
    
    ;^)

    
    	Re: .0  That was great!!  Thanks!
    	Re: .1  Groan!!

    Good Lord - there goes my credit card !!!!!  15 kids watching 
    CAT-HOME SHOPPING NETWORK - my house will be overrun with kitty
    furniture even more than it is!  I can see it now, a gold plated
    swimming pool for litter with a sterling silver pooper scooper!
    (Sorry Holly) !!
    
    Lordy, are the little hairbags wonderful, says mom as she leaves
    to go home to vac & scoop & feed & do show laundry & make more
    hotel reservations....

    Thanks for typing that in, Elaine.   I thought about doing so myself,
    but I just didn't have the time.  I do think, however, you might have
    mentioned the source (Boston Globe, a few days ago, don't remember the
    author [Diane White?]).  Not that we don't think you're capable of
    writing something like that!  :-)  But credit where credit is due, and
    all that...

							-- Nina

    RE: .4
    
    actually, I think that that is something that Elaine recieved over
    the net. She posted it after removing the millions of lines of
    mail headers.
    
    Deb

    Yup, that's true Deb - I didn't type it - actually, I didn't know
    exactly where it came from, but thought it cute!  Thanks for the
    Globe info, Nina  -  I wondered....  Gee, I hope folks didn't
    think that I wrote it - I wish I were that clever!!

    Oops, sorry, Elaine!  And here I was admiring you for going to all that
    trouble... :-)

    Still, thanks for posting it.  (And whoever originally typed it in
    should've given credit.  Ah, well.)

							-- Nina

    Thanks!  I can't take what's not due - it's a cute thingie, though.
    
    E.T.