Conference misery::feline_v1

1572.0. "'KITTY ETIQUETTE"" by OFFRT9::HLEINONEN () Wed Jul 20 1988 21:20

 

		          "KITTY ETIQUETTE"
     
     
     A LIST OF DO'S AND DON'TS:
     
     1.  If you have to throw up, quickly get into a chair or onto the 
         couch.  If you cannot manage this in time, get on an oriental 
         rug.  Lacking an oriental, shag is good.  
     
     2.  Guests -- about them.  When walking on the table amongst the dishes
         after dinner, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when chided.
	 The idea is to convey "but you let me do it when there's no
	 company!"  
     
         Quickly determine which guest hates cats.  Sit on his/her lap during 
         the evening -- they won't dare push you off and will probably call 
         you "nice kitty."  If you can arrange to have fish breath, so 
         much the better.  
     
         For lap-sitting or trouser leg-rubbing, select colors which 
         contrast with your own 
         ie: for Siamese-color cats -- black wool is always best.  
     
         Always accompany guest to bathroom.  It is not necessary to do 
         anything, just sit and stare.  
     
         For guests who say "I just love kitties", be ready with (a) aloof
	 distain, (b) claws applied to stockings, and/or (c) quick, sharp
	 nip on the ankles.
     
     3.  Doors -- about them.  Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To 
         get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with paws.  Once the 
         door is opened it is not necessary to use it, you can change
         your mind.  When you have ordered the outdoor door opened, stand 
         half in and half out and think about several things.  This is 
         particularly important during very cold weather and in mosquito 
         season.  Don't worry -- they will not close the door on you.  
         Avoid swinging doors.
     
     4.  Hampering.  If one of them is busy and the other is idle, sit 
         with the busy one.  The main rules of hampering are: (a) For
	 book readers, get in close under the chin (unless, of course,
	 you can lie across the book itself).  (b) For people knitting,
	 curl up quietly in the lap and pretend to doze.  When the
	 knitter's guard is relaxed, reach out and sharply slap the
	 knitting needles.  This causes what the knitters call a "dropped
	 stitch".  She will try to distract you -- ignore it.  (c)  For
	 people doing paper work, sit on the paper being worked on.
	 After being removed for the second time, push anything movable
	 off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
     
     5.  Sleep habits.  Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are 
         fresh for playing "catch mousey on the hill" on the bed between
         2 and 4 am.
     
    
                                               

    I just love it, in fact I have made a hard copy to have my husband
    read
    
    You see he feels ours is the only cat on earth who knows how to
    read and stay up at night to annoy him.
    
    Many thanks!
    

    I didn't know you knew Schnitzel so well!  She's accomplished all
    of "Kitty Etiquette"!!
    
    P.
    

    
    
    
    	For those of you who haven't seen this list of rules before,
    	take a look at 1378.  The Feline noters added several more
    	rules to this which are very funny.  In fact, we should
    	probably move this note, or at least continue it there.  What
    	do the moderators and author of the base note think??  
    
    	Karen

    Karen,
    
    I didn't read back far enough to see note 1378 - I have no objection
    to moving this one.
    
    Each time I read this though I just have one question - "did my
    two furfaces write this, or just read it?"!!!!!!!!
    
    Heidi