Conference misery::feline_v1

17.0. "Cats are..." by XENON::GAUDREAU () Wed Jun 13 1984 15:55

    The  following  is  something about cats which may or may not appeal to
    the  better  nature  of  some  cat lovers. It pokes a little fun at our
    masters.  My  MASTER  is a sassy 17 pound gray tiger (female) and knows
    all the tricks...


   Cats,

Cats are a peculiar breed.
They usually lay around all day, seemingly enjoying the fat of the land.
It is pointless to name them, they never come when you call.
They act as though they are the masters, surely not at all.
The point I say, is why?
Cats aren't stupid but very sly.
We think we commmand, but all cats know the truth, they rule the land....

More yet,

    When  was  the  last  time you said hi to your cat. This morning? Maybe
    just  as  you left for work? or did you just ignore the poor beast. You
    must  remember  that  your  cat is man's best friend. Forget that stuff
    about  dogs, when was the last time your dog pounced on a mouse, lazily
    &  with  great  finesse,  tore  its  little head off, and scattered the
    insides  around  the floor? Why, without cats, we would be overrun with
    rodents  in  mere minutes. You should constantly worship the very chair
    that  your  cat  decides  to  use (day & night), even though it it YOUR
    chair  and  YOU  want  to use it ANY time that you have the desire. Not
    that you can't use it of course, just wear a pair of very heavy leather
    gloves  and use every bit of your awesome strength to haul that beastie
    off the cushions while in the process, ripping the chair to pieces.

    Sometimes, though infrequently, your cat has to do something other than
    sleep  the  day  away. Some of their prime habits are eating your food,
    abiding to the famous nature call any old place (especially if they can
    scratch),  and  the  best  of  all, irritating the hell out of you, the
    "master".  Take  food for example, we all need it, whether it be Grouse
    from  La Machine or Sushi from the cat food can. Cats need food just as
    badly  as  we  do, only they pretend that they are above it. That's why
    they  appear  to  be so finicky. You ever see a cat tear into a bowl of
    cat  food  that  is  has felt below its station after a few days of not
    eating.  Finicky?  Sure  they  are. Just look how readily they eat your
    food,  particularly, when you aren't watching them help themselves from
    your  table.  After  the  eating  all  that food, something has to give
    somewhere.  You build the pressure up and something has to go. Cats, in
    this  regard,  are  the  experts  of  the  animal  kingdom. So neat, so
    careful,  they  sneer at toilet paper and any similar products. Cats go
    to  great  pains  to  escape  your  notice  while  they  "take  care of
    business".  If you should ever make the mistake of glancing over at the
    litter  box whilst a cat is engaging in the creation of fertilizer, you
    will  be  greeted with the hardest, coldest stare you have ever gotten.
    Cats  seem  to  be waiting for you to look. They know you will and when
    you do, they turn on Mr. Frosty. Cats in general have several different
    kinds of stares and intensities. They never look at anything, they just
    stare.  Some stares let you know that they want out NOW. Some mean feed
    me  NOW.  Others  say messages like, you MAY (take that as WILL) pet me
    now, don't touch me, back off, OH YEA?, and lastly, there's my favorite
    stare  of  all.  The contest stare. Cats can stare almost anything down
    because  they  have quite a lot of patience (no, they are not doctors).
    Cats  will  stare  down  people,  dogs,  birds, plants, and rocks. They
    almost  always win too. You notice though, that cats never try to stare
    down  other  cats (except in the tourny) because it's usually not worth
    the  effort.  I have the proud distinction to stare down a cat. I spent
    nearly 13 hours doing it, but the cat lost. He probably just got bored,
    otherwise,  I'd  still be there staring and staring, with several empty
    cases  of Visine behind me. Now you may start to wondering how cats can
    bug  you.  Just  think  about  it for a minute. Every cat in the world,
    past,  present,  &  future,  knows  what  it  takes  to bother anybody,
    anything,  anywhere.  Say  you like to sleep until say 9 a.m. Your cat,
    looking out for your better interests, is likely to wake you at 4 a.m.,
    just  so  you can rise with the sun, see the glorius new day, and raise
    your  blood  pressure  a little while you jog after your cat. Why is it
    that  cats  know  just  how far away to stay from potential danger? You
    could be laying on your couch, minding your own business (which the cat
    has  some  stock  in)  and  the  cat would scratch your dangling hand a
    trifle (i.e. removing your fingers). You would then attempt grabbing at
    the  cat,  forgetting that it is a completely useless thing to do, only
    to  find  that  your  cat is a mere 2 inches beyond your grasp. The cat
    population  is  more  than  healthy  because  of this unique and useful
    trait.  Small  wonder  too,  what would you do if you caught it? Let it
    rake  your  face until you dropped it? By avoinding capture, the cat is
    just  proving in yet another way that it is looking out for your better
    interest!

May 22, 1984.

Bravo!  I loved every minute of it while I'm sitting here at my VT laughing
and saying "Yah, Yah!".  

Nichole

   Glad to have a fan.  That piece was inspired by a much "loved" cat after
she did some rather "nice" things to my favorite fern...

 Joe
 -=-

I've always thought that there was one main difference between a Siamese and 
other more "ordinary" cats - other cats think they own you - the Siamese KNOW!! 
it!!!!

	/s/	Bob

When I saw the title of this note "Cats are...", I wondered what it could
be.  Now I see that it's a great place to tell about the neat way that 
cats have of getting the best of all of us.  My cats will be very proud
when they see this file.

I like the "look" cats get on their face when they're trying to ignore
you when you're talking to them.  They'll be looking off into space, and
you'll see their ear twitch when you start talking, but they'll continue
to look the other direction.  You don't want to admit that your "baby"
could be ignoring you, so like a fool, you start calling, "Here kitty...
...pretty kitty...come here....hey!...look over here...."  You see the ear 
twitch a little more, but the cat's eyes are slowly closing which may be
accompanied by a yawn.  

This is too much to take as a parent!  So you get clever and try to trick
the cat into looking at you by saying things like "Are you hungry?....
..do you want to go outside?....LOOK! A BUG!...GET THE BUG!...."  The cat
will then usually jerk to attention and look at you with big eager eyes.
But when he's discovered it was a trick, he will leave the room in disgust,
and you feel terrible for stooping so low!

Most cats have a good life.  They have humans to cater to all of their needs
and to make up excuses for kitty's bad behaviour.  When kitty kills your
favorite pet bird you can blame it on "nature's instinct".  When kitty 
destroys your newly recovered couch it's because she needs to sharpen her
nails and you aren't providing anything else for that purpose (like a tree
in the middle of your living room).  If kitty races through your whole
house knocking over potted plants, knick knacks, and priceless heirlooms,
it's because she doesn't get enough excercise and she's just having "fun".

They know that whenever they get yelled at, they'll be back in our good
graces soon because their humans can't stand to be without the kitty's 
affection.  THEY are in control, and they'll remind us of that constantly.

Ever wonder what it is they're saying to us? The Orientals talk all
the time, of course; my husband and I suspect they're just nattering
constantly, sort of a train-of-thought thing ("I'm too warm. There's
a lap. Where is food? That's a bird outside, I want to go out. No
I don't. Where are the people?" and so on). But Abigail, my black-and-
white, chirps lazily at me if I disturb her rest, and sometimes just
when I look at her. It sounds like a mother cat to her kittens, or
maybe the other way around; I can't tell if it's just "Hi", or if
she's muttering kitty insults at the dumb human who can't read
whisker twitches.

One of my favorite cat-language features is the shake of a paw
to indicate disgust. Wish I could do something that graceful to
make a point!

-b