Conference back40::soapbox

    You've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower
    to defend your sister's honor.
    

    Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
    

    You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape.
    

    Your wading boots double as dress pants.
    

    You swapped a set of tires for your wife's wedding ring.
    
    

    The crack in your windshield is longer than your arm and has been there
    more than a year.
    
    (oops, guess i qualify)
    
    ;-)
    
    meg

    Your sister's educational goal is to get out of high school
    before she gets pregnant.
    
    

    You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means
    how much the diaper will hold.
    
    

    Hail hits your house and you have to take it to a body shop for
    an estimate.
    
    

I thought that a Redneck's favourite passtime was to load a pickup with
beer & 12-bores and go out snake shooting.

Sounds great to me!

Chris.

    ... you've ever used lard in bed.

 you have a red neck





 Jim

    What if you went to university west of the Adirondacks?

    The fountain at your sister's wedding spewed beer instead of
    champagne.
    
    

    >...you live anywhere south of the Mason-Dixon line, west of
    >the Adirondacks and east of the Sierra Nevadas, or in New
    >Hampshire.
    
     So that makes you what, an ex-redneck?

>    <<< Note 402.1 by DECLNE::REESE "ToreDown,I'mAlmostLevelW/theGround" >>>

BWAHAHA! A riot!
Anyone ever see the "Bone City" water tank in Hudson, Mass.?

    In high school in Texas, someone did me the favor of describing
    "mud-dogging," a weekend activity performed in the company of a date.
    
    Wash your truck.  Pick up your date (unless she helped you wash the 
    truck).  Find a dirt road with a humongous mud puddle.  Drive through
    the mud puddle.  If you don't get stuck, drive through it again. 
    Repeat.
    
    I wasn't entirely sure -- if you get stuck, do you win or lose?

    You cut your grass and FIND A CAR.

Your pickup horn plays "Dixie"

    If yer dad walks you to school because you might be in the same grade...
    If you've ever been too drunk to fish...
    If someone asks to see your id and you show them your belt buckle...
    If your dog, and your wallet are both on a chain...
    If every day someone mistakenly comes to your door thinking your
    having a yard sale...
    If you've ever financed a tattoo....  (my guy required CASH up
    front.  I didn't have to tell him I got a cash advance)  ;^)
    If you've ever made change in the offering plate (guilty)...
    If you see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you
    to pull your jeans up....

    Karen Reese is two French Fries short of a Happy Meal!
    

    
    funny topic.....
    
    if you live in Georgia.

I don't get it.

-Jack-boy-Bob

    Your one heck of a lucky feller Jack-boy-Bob. Yes you is.

    >     <<< Note 402.27 by POBOX::BATTIS "Land shark,pool shark" >>>

    >funny topic.....
    >if you live in Georgia.
    
    	Or Round Lake, or Round Lake Beach, Or Hainesville or any of those
    other Northwestern Lake County suburbs...

    
    well Rob, you missed one Fox Lake, but yeah I see your point..
    
    Actually, I was trying to tease karen and madmike, cause they live
    there.
    
    Mark

	... Your house has wheels and your car doesn't.

ME

    
    <------------- bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Forgot that one Komar, good one :-)
    
    

    Anangram for: Pepsi
    
    		  Pipes

If yo momma doesn't take the Marlboro from her lips before she tells the state 
patrolman to kiss her a$$.
If your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
If you idea of quality entertainment is a 12 pack and a bug zapper
If the primary color of your car is bondo
If you go to family reunions to meet girls
If your family tree does not fork

    Got this through email today:
    
"MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE

by Andrew Burke

REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the
release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes
will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The
software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks
Miller Lite.

"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently
seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time
is right for the rest of America to get wired!"

Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in
a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to
the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.

The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does
have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best
roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs
and beer at the click of a mouse.

"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It
thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere,"
he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his
pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on
beer holder for their monitors.

"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates.  "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and
splatter video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers.
We're just catering to a demand, that's all."

Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel
-- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."

Apple declined to comment."
    

    
    Hey, I LIKE Hee-Haw!

    *REDNECK* !!!!!!!!!

                YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

You have ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. (an extremely prolific southern weed)

You've ever hit on someone in a VD clinic.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your power bill for the month of December is equivalent to your power bills
 for the rest of the year (hint: xmas lights)

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You call the time you won a free case of motor oil, "the day my ship came in".

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress donation.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to 
 spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her 
 language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with 
 the kids."

You go shopping for a gift for your mother, sister and girlfriend and have
 to buy only one gift.

Birds are attracted to your beard.

You wear a bowling shirt at a wedding.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You think that "Free Bird" should be the national anthem.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a knife.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" or "Red Man" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your 
 car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You're considered an expert on wormbeds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

Your two-year-old has more teeth than you.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray painted your girl friend's name on an overpass.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the 
 state trooper to kiss her ass.

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.

Your family tree does not fork.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in 
 the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance 
 restrictions.

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, 
 "For  a good time call...."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer 
 bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You call your boss "dude".

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You think Gold Bond Powder is a miracle drug.

You actually know which kind of leaves are the best substitute for toilet paper.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.

Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening 
 at the "Lube Rack".

You have ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off
 the wheels and skirt it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.

Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.

Directions to you house include "look for the three trucks in the front yard".

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.

You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Jack Daniels makes your "most admired" list.

You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the 
 "House of Tattoos."

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

Your toilet paper has page numbers.

You have used a corn cob as a substitute for toilet paper.

    You think hub caps make good wall decorations.
    

You keep your Harley in your bedroom.

Chris.

	You have taken a beer to a job interview

    RE:42
    
     You mean everybody doesn't?
    
     . .
      ,
    \___/

    
    
     ... your pick-up line at the local hang-out is...
    
     
     "Hey Mama!!! Nice tooth!!"
    

    .45
    
    that's mz_deb's line isn't it? 8^)
    
    ric

    You have more than three first names.
    
    D
    

>    You have more than three first names.
    
you mean like, if dad named you after all the members in his fave football
team?

Chris.

    
    ...no, like jack-boy-bob...
    
    :>
    
    

Sounds a bit rude to me (or is that the point?)

Chris.

    
    I prefer my men with multiple teeth, tyvm 8^).

    8^@

    re: .51
    
    All white I assume...
    
    ;)
    

    I don't think she prefers one race over another does she?

	You think the World Wide Web was created by a giant spider.

ME

    Or, Peter Parker.

    .48
    
    > you mean like, if dad named you after all the members in his fave football
    > team?
    
    If your mom did, dontcha mean...?

    ...can't use the bedroom, cause that's where yur keepin the
    finerey...Holley carbs, Barnett Clutch, and ammo re-loader.  
    
    ...Won't attest to using the bedroom, but remember storing Harleys in a
    friends dining room...rental property of course!
    
    
    ...if you need to hoist up the little lady into the cab of yur pickup. 
    Muddin' requires proper clearance...jack up the frame, n' use a set of
    mudders...that'll give ya bout 2 'n 1/2 feet of clearance....watch the
    transfer case 'n differential though...best ask yur date to go out and
    check the mud puddles for large rocks first!...
    
    rod

    If today's dinner was too slow crossing the road yesterday.....
    

    If you buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.

>    If your mom did, dontcha mean...?

I think mam normally just gives up if dad's that obsessed.  No, I'm
not named after Sunderland AFC, or any other team for that matter!  :)

Chris.

	...If you got your wedding ring from a Crackerjack box

	...If you RENT a pickup for your Senior prom

	...If you think a cheese pizza is a gournet meal

ME	

    Your pickup truck was in a Fred Sandford look a like truck contest and
    was turned down by Fred himself.:)
    
    

	Someone would have to turn fred sanford up before he could turn it
down. and by now he's all rotted.....

    .64 Not a chance! I have seen that ol truck boppin around some pretty
    grim areas. Still runs.:) 

	The truck maybe, but not fRED.

    
    A redneck joke...
    
    A redneck gets married, but much to the surprise of his family,
    shows up at the homestead the morning after his wedding.
    
    "It's off", he tells them.
    
    "Why?", Pa asks.
    
    "Cause she's a virgin"
    
    "What's wrong with being a virgin, son?"
    
    "If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good
     enough for ours!"
    
    -b

    >The truck maybe, but not fRED.
    
    Debatable. I hear he is playing cards with Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa on
    Tuesday nights at the local pub n grub.:)
    
    

	If he's playing cards with Hoffa, it's got to be at the endzone of
Giant Stadium in Jersey! 


Glen

    If you consider a seven course meal to be a sixpack and a can of spam.

	Spam, the all purpose food. So many uses for the stuff, and I never
knew it was a way to identify a red neck. :-)

    Put another spam on the barbie...

>    If you consider a seven course meal to be a sixpack and a can of spam.

don't see any problem with that.  (What's the English equivalent of
a redneck, then?)

Chris.

> (What's the English equivalent of a redneck, then?)

Lager lout.

    > (What's the English equivalent of a redneck, then?)

    Someone who didn't watch Benny Hill because they thought
    it was too sophisticated.

    -b

ah.  Me, in other words, then.  :)

Chris.

      ... if your mother announces "come take a look at this before I
    flush"
    
    JTH

    
    	Last nights CMA...if you stare at the O.J. in the fridge cuz it
    says "concentrate".....

    The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that
    smell?"
    
    

    You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the
    reception.
    
    

    Breakfast is interrupted every morning by someone saying "anybody
    seen my teeth?"
    

    The brands of toilet paper you have to decide between are maple and hickory.
    
    

    you may be a redneck if you listen to talk back shows similar to John
    Laws/Alan Jones
    and believe them.........
    
    if your not familiar with these shows here is an excerpt:
    
    GOOD MORNING WORLD. I'm long jaws.
    people have been calling me all morning wanting to know how i get my
    point across.
    that's right HOW do _I_ get my point across.
    well let me tell you dear listener this is how I get _MY_ point across
    firstly you have to repeat yourself at least , and i'm not exagerating
    here,
    _at least_ three times.
    so good listener you repeat yourself.
    now sometimes just repeating yourself may not be enough
    so here is the second method which i use if repeating youself isn't
    enough.
    take a stance.
    let me repeat that again.  YOU have to _take a stance_
    now preferably this should be simple, one-eyed and egocentric.
    now you may ask what this simple, one-eyed, egocentric stance should be
    well i'll tell you. it should be bigotted.yes that's right. bigotted
    <pause>
    if your stance is simple one-eyed and bigotted then that's good enough
    for me.
    let me ask you my faithful listener if you watched the news last night.
    well if you _had_ you would know that we have this group, well not so
    much a group as a
    PACK
    that's right!
    a _pack_ of left wing, unemployed, gun toting, peodophiles stopping
    honest ,decent
    people like you and me listener, from doing their jobs.
    so how are these bludgers stopping honest people doing their jobs.
    it's simple!
    these left wing, unemployed, gun toting, peodophiles are ruining our
    great country by .......
    etc etc  ad nauseum......
    

    
    ...if you eat sow belly, collard greens, goat tripe, ham hocks, pigs
    knuckles, possum inerds, grits, dandylion greens, buzzard eggs, crow
    gizzards, hog jowels or rocky mountain oysters.
    
    Yum yum
    
                           

    
    jowls

	...if you think horseshoes should be an Olympic event.

ME

	Did Haag think it should???? :)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: [email protected] (Timothy Allen)
Subject: Rednecks
A fellow retired and became bored.  He decided to go back to work.
He had always wanted to be a Police Officer and he had known the
Sheriff for most of his life so....

The Sheriff says "I don't know about this, I'd better give you an
intelligence test.  How many days of the week begin with a 't'?"

Fellow says "Two. Today and tomorrow."
Sheriff: "O.k.  How many seconds in a year?"

Fellow:  "Twelve.  January 2nd, Feburary 2nd, March 2nd..."

Sheriff: "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Fellow:  "I don't know."

Sheriff: "Go find out."

Fellow goes home.  His wife asks "How did it go?"

Fellow answers "Went just great!  Sheriff done give me a murder
investigation!"

    Your family tree does not fork.
    
    
    Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
    
    
    Your welcome mat says, "You'd better have a search warrant."
    
    
    Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.
    
    
    You have a Hefty bag for a passenger-side window.
    
    
    Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
    
    
    The most common phrase heard in your house is "somebody go jiggle
    the handle."
    

>    Your welcome mat says, "You'd better have a search warrant."

hey, I *like* that idea; where do I get one?!

Chris.

     
     
How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck":
     
 If your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
     
 If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
     
 If the bumper sticker on your truck says   "My other computer is a laptop"
 
 If your laptop has a sticker that says  "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
     
 If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by  installing a cellular
phone
     
 If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"
          
 If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
     
 If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go"... 
       and you still don't miss her
     
 If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer
          
 If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"
     
 If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, 
            tractor, or farm animal
     
 If you start all your emails with the words "Howdy y'all"
          
 If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon"
     
 If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead 
         CPU's, Printers, Modems, and Monitors
     
 If your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" Hard drive
     
IF THREE OR MORE APPLY then you are DEFINITELY a Hi-Tech Redneck!

> If your laptop has a sticker that says  "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

will `protected by a punch in the gob' do?
     
> If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer

yup.
          
> If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, 
>            tractor, or farm animal

hmm...
     
> If your spell checker knows words like "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon"

it's had certain `modifications'...
    
> If your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead 
>         CPU's, Printers, Modems, and Monitors

if I had a garage, this would most likely be the case.
    
>IF THREE OR MORE APPLY then you are DEFINITELY a Hi-Tech Redneck!

oh, bugger.

    ...you have ever made a mailbox out of car parts.
    
      
    
    ...you have ever mis-spelled anything in christmas lights..
    
    
    
    Did you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
     
    
    If it had been invented by a 'normal' person, it would be called
    a "teethbrush"...
    
    

..you consider your license plates family heirlooms because your grandpaw
  made them...

..you own a homemade fur coat.

..you think the stock market has a fence around it.

..your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and
  nobody notices.

..you ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.