Conference back40::soapbox

    
    I know nothink.

    They seem to be everywhere.

    
    They are a complete mystery.
    
      bb

        
        
        
                
        
        
        
        
        
        
        &y

    The more I know, the more I need to learn.  

    They make me do whirly twirlies.

    RAH, are you from Barcelona?  
    
    

    They are anatomically different.

    Not only that, their bodies aren't the same.

	When we figure them out, they change....%^(

   Capable, pliable, women, women!
   Though they're unreliable, knowing their place.
   Insufferable, yes, but gentle,
   Their weaknesses are incidental,
   A functional, if ornamental, race...
   
   Durable, sensible, women, women!
   Very nearly indispensible creatures of grace.
   God knows the foolishness about them,
   But if one had to live without them,
   The world would surely be a poorer, if purer, place.

    .12
    
    I like it I like it!! :-)

    To date, they are the most exciting and fullfilling elements any
    man could hope for. They're next to heaven itself.
    
    Chip

    
    >> They're next to heaven itself.
    
    no suh!!  i a right here... :>

    They are one of the most beautiful, and intriguing creatures that
    God has blessed us with. 

    .-1 Man, are sucking up today or what????  :-)

    
    Remember the famous line. it took nature millions of years to 
    to make a man out of a monkey, it takes women seconds to make a
    monkey out of a man. 

    Some people call it sucking up...I call it as I see it.

    .-1 Just kidding... I called it the same way.

    
    One's too many, and a hundred ain't enough!
    

    "Women aren't people! They're _women_ ."

    			- Dr. Ira Graves

    "Those who knew him, loved him. Those who didn't know him... loved him.
    from afar."
    			- Lt. Commander Data at Ira Graves' funeral.

    
    	Why the word starts with "wo".
    
    

    
    womb
    

    Women are like money;
    
    There when you don't need it and not there when you do.

    I know weemin are...
    
    Absolutely hopeless at driving.
    
    No good at sports.
    
    Are a general pain in the a$$.
    
    d.

    Does that reply fall into the category of witty retorts ??
    

    -.1 that depends... do you consider yourself a witty retort?
    
     BTW, you are grossly misguided and unfair toward the animal of
     the female persuasion... pure pulchritude.
    
     Were you beaten by a woman as a child or did you wait until you
     were older and could enjoy it?  :-)

	Nothing beats the Aunt Jamima treatment..........%^)

    .31
    
    Thank you for sharing that with us.

 Yes, that was wonderful...

    
    Davie Wallace.........
    
    The Dr Henry Kissinger of Digital.
    
    

    
    
    Woman should stay at home cleaning and cooking instead of doing
    jobs that the men can do better.
    
    

    
    	La donna � mobile
    	Qual piuma al vento,
    	Muta d'accento
    	E di pensier.
    	Sempre un amabile
    	Leggiadro viso,
    	In pianto o in riso
    	E' menzogner.
    
    
    

    >> Women should stay at home cleaning ....
    
    Wake me when this one's over.  Thanks in advance.
    
    {zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz}
    

    women are remarkable creatures. extremely adaptable. get them out of
    the city for awhile and they learn to chop wood, catch/cooks trouts,
    shoot straight, skin/tan hides, etc. the cities are ruining our
    wimmins.

    WOMEN
    =====
    
    If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
    If you don't, you are not a man
    If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
    If you don't, you are good for nothing
    If you agree to all her likes, she is abused
    If you don't, you are not understanding
    If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'
    If you don't, you are half a man
    If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring
    If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing
    If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
    If you aren't, you are a dull boy
    If you are jealous, she says it's bad
    If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her
    If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
    If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
    If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait
    If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
    If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel
    If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'
    If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
    If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage
    If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
    If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics
    If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting
    If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring
    If you talk, she wants you to listen
    If you listen, she wants you to talk
    
    Oh God! you created those creatures called "WOMAN"
    
    So simple, yet so complex
    So weak, yet so powerful
    So confusing, yet so desirable
    
    

Sounds just like my friend's wife.  :(

Chris.

    
>>    If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

	err, hunh??  beg to differ.  ;>

<--- Milady, maybe he always uses his tongue when he kisses... :-)

    I beg to defer.

    
    
    .43
    
    
    yeah...so????
    
    ;> ;>
    
    

    >If you agree to all her likes, she is abused
    
    i don't understand this one  8-0
    
    ric

	Would tonguing someone you just met be something a woman would like?
You'll have to fill me in on this one. :-)

    .47 That probably depends on how many gin and tonics she`s had.
    
    And how near Xmas it is. 
    

    >If you agree to all her likes, she is abused
    
    i *still* don't understand this one
    
    ric

	Well, if it we deb, it would have to be how many boilermakers she has
had. :-)

>>    >If you agree to all her likes, she is abused
    
>>    i *still* don't understand this one

	me neither, but then again, this is the "what men know about women"
	topic, not the "how women really are" topic.  ;>

    
    I do happen to have a penchant for boilermakers 8^).
    
    But I like tanqueray and tonics also.

RE: explanation

	I shall make a probably futile attempt to explain the statement "If you agree
to all her likes, she is abused".  
	What I think this comment means is that women want a man who can think on his
own.  If the man agrees with the woman all the time, the woman might think that he is
not saying what he really feels.  Instead, the man is agreeing with the woman for the 
sake of agreement.  Therefore, the woman might feel that the man is holding back and
is not telling the truth.

ME

BTW, .40 was sent to me by a woman.

ME

re: .53

EIGHTY COLUMNS PLEASE!!!!!

       re .55:
       
       Make believe that you're in the 1990s, working for a high-technology company.

I would, Don, except when I read that I was at home on my PC which doesn't
belong to DEC using a lousy terminal emulator which doesn't have an adjustable
form factor.

    I now know that women, makeup, and mirrors are inseparable. They
    attract each other. 
    
    I also noticed that the more important the event, or the closer to Time
    To Leave the more these three attract each other.

    
    re: .58
    
    >...and mirrors are inseparable.
    
    Make that "car" mirrors too... I'm surprised that you don't see more
    women on the road who cannot become "inseparable" from the metal in
    their cars because of trying to put on mascara whilst tooling along at
    55-65 mph. 

    
    
    	
>    Make that "car" mirrors too... I'm surprised that you don't see more
>    women on the road who cannot become "inseparable" from the metal in
>    their cars because of trying to put on mascara whilst tooling along at
>    55-65 mph. 
    
    	We pulled one young lady out of a car (she rolled it on a small
    side street) who crashed while fooling with the radio. "I looked down
    to change the radio station and when I looked up the road was gone!".
    Oh boy....:)
    
    
    jim

    
    I've seen men shaving in their cars, so it's not only women who use
    their car mirrors stupidly.
    

  .61  debster, men do not do stupid things when they are driving.
       this is a little-known fact.

    Men can shave w/o looking in the mirror. It is that hand feeling face
    thing...

    
    	RE: Diane/Deb
    
    	Define "stupid things".
    
    	If you mean that we don't do things that shouldn't be done at
    	the same time as driving, then that's not true.  We just have
    	the coordination to be able to do both things simultaneously,
    	and safely.
    
    	I can smoke, drink coffee, talk on the phone and change a CD
    	all at the same time and still drive circles around my mother.
    

	I get the feeling that if shawn were present in front of milady and
mz_deb, he would leave minus a few things on his body. 

    
    >I can smoke, drink coffee, talk on the phone and change a CD
    >all at the same time and still drive circles around my mother.
    
    Do you find she's easier to see than those little cones?
                                    

	debster, men do not do stupid things when they are driving.
	er, but if they do, they can handle it because they are
	more coordinated.  this is a little-known fact.

	also, as an interesting aside, shawn is a better driver than
	his mother, in case you were wondering about that.  

    
    	No, Deb, she's not as easy to see, but she is capable of mov-
    	ing out of the way when I get a little too close.  So that
    	sort of helps my self-esteem to know that I didn't hit the
    	obstacle I was trying to avoid.
    

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    Deb, Di
    
    I didn't mean to infer from my reply that men didn't do stupid things
    whilst driving a car. 
    
     I have never seen a man trying to shave while driving. I have see my
    (too many) share of women doing all sorts of things to their faces
    while driving.
    
     One stupid thing I have seen men do (and never a woman), was trying to
    read while driving. A newspaper, unfolded map... whatever. 
    
     In my book, one is as clueless as the other...
    

    
    	Reading a folded map is even trickier.
    
    	Wait a minute ... REAL MEN DON'T USE MAPS.
    

  well, andy, if you can't infer from your own replies, then who can? ;>

    I always though one of the things men did best was read maps.  Only a
    man could imagine 100 miles in an inch.
    
    meg

    Don't look now boyz but I think we've just been insulted!!!!  Yup

    
    	Yes, Jack, the girls appear to be ganging up on us.
    

    
    re: shaving being a hand/face feel thing (or whatever you said)
    
    for the record, after lots of practice, it is possible to put on
    mascara, while driving, without the use of a mirror.  talk about
    hand/eye coordination!
    
    

So you're admitting to doing this?!

    
    yes...and i'll remind y'all that of all the accidents that i have been
    in that involved another vehicle (in other words, not couting the time
    i hit one of them concrete poles that lined the island at the gas
    station), one was sorta my fault (i ever so slightly rear ended the
    person in front of me after the person in front of her decided to to
    slam on her brakes and hook a left on a very curvy part of route 62 in
    stow, and there was no damage, and 2 of the 3 accidents that were not
    my fault were caused by a man.
    
    

How did you avoid accidents while you were practicing?

    
    	So all your accidents on curvy roads were caused by women?
    
    	Interesting.
    

    
    i didn't say that.  
    
    and gerald, i'm good....
    
    
    :>
    
    

    
    Here's a thought for you:
    
    Insurance in the UK is cheaper for women because accident statistics
    show that women have fewer crashes.
    
    Is that because they're safer drivers or because they just drive a lot
    slower...;^)
    
    
    I.

    many human beings are instantly struck retarded immediately upon
    entering a motor vehicle. this affliction is not bounded by race,
    color, creed, gender, educational background or eye color.
    
    exhaustive government studies have been unable to determine the cause
    of this phenomenon, but they quickly point out that this malady quickly
    reverses itself when the human exits the vehicle.

>    Insurance in the UK is cheaper for women because accident statistics
>    show that women have fewer crashes.

I believe that's true in the US as well (at least it's true for young drivers).

    Chip, it is the plasticizers in the leatherette upholstery and other
    plastic trim pieces.  It renders the victim temporarily addle brained. 
    Most will see a complete recovery after exiting the vehicle.    

>    Insurance in the UK is cheaper for women because accident statistics
>    show that women have fewer crashes.

this probably takes into account the fact that women, on average, do far less 
mileage than men.  In my years of driving, I've observed that around 3 out of 
4 drivers, whose gender I've been able to determine, who have pulled out on me 
without looking, are female.  Curious.

Anyway, from my Bible, `Batchelor Boys: The Young Ones Book' (excerpt by 
Vyvyan Basterd)

THE MODERN AGE

So the industrial revolution gave us all the great things that go to make up 
the last period of history.  THE MODERN AGE.  (This has got nothing to do with 
Mods who are wankers.)  And the three great things about THE MODERN AGE ARE:

1.  Cars.  Especially yellow Ford Anglias with flames up the side.

2.  Telly.  Without which life would not be worth living.

3.  EVERYTHING ELSE.  And cars again.

So if you like getting really drunk and watching video nasties while driving 
at 100mph down the motorway, listening to the radio and a Sony headset and 
making a telephone call at the same time while undergoing neurosurgery, from a 
robot, then this is the era for you.

[end excerpt]

Chris,

In case you haven't seen this one yet . . . 
    ===========================================
Relationships: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are
Idiots." Then, she will get on with her life. A man has a little more
trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my
life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This
is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all
men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.

Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
their "i's" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in
their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
    
Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the
store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his
'fridge are half a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time that a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10- items-or-less lane.

Going out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to
go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on
her makeup....

Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.



Low Blows: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That
    must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for: (1) Weddings, and (2) Funerals.

David Letterman: Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the
face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who's got a gap
in his front teeth and always has a bad haircut.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were "hip"
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of
clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain,
and Useless.