Conference back40::soapbox

    From the conference message line:
    
    Remember: A little self control goes a long way...
    
	      but a remote control goes even further.
    
    -b
    

    To err is human...
    
    	but to really bugger things up, you need the government.
    
    -b

    I think,
    
    	therefore I am paid.
    
    -b

    An aside, I am the author of the base note... which I meant to read
    "a place for terse witticisms", but couldn't remember how to re-enter
    the base note once it was edited (and help, of course, was no help)
    Just wanted to clear this up before I'm put on trial as a base note
    deleter and Barney boinker... :-)
    
    -b

    	Reply to this note as you want the base note to truly appear.
    
    	Then, while you are positioned on the reply, enter 
    
    	SET NOTE/NOTE=109.0
    
    	See if that works.

    Thanks... but that doesn't work either. It says .0 already exists.
    
    -b

    Reply anyway, and then ask a moderator to fix it for you.
    
    The procedure:
    
    Move the original base note to a new note.  Move all the replies to the
    new note.  Now the original note number is freed up.  Move everything
    in the new note to the original note number.

    	re .6
    
    	Bummer.  It lets you fill in missing reply numbers.  Why won't
    	it let you fill in a missing basenote?  Maybe because the title
    	still exists, so somehow it thinks the entry is there too...

    My wife and I were discussing the book, The Bell Curve, that is
    currently making the headlines and ABC's presentation of it.  ABC
    mentioned that in addition to the theories the The Bell Curve brings up
    about the correlation between skin color and IQ, some people also have
    the theory that smaller genitalia means higher IQ.
    
    To which my sweet wife replied, "If that were true, you would be a
    <R.O> idiot."
    
    -- Jim

    
    All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
    
    Mark

    
    The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
    
    Mark

    If you laid out all the British heavyweight boxing contenders end to
    end, you would have a pretty accurate picture.
    
    [A _Punch_ writer in TV Guide, honest! 8^)]

    Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do. 
    
    No matter where you go, there you are.
    
    

    If you lived here, you'd be home by now.
    
    Dan

    
    "If it was a snake, it would have bitten you."
    
    "If it was a snake, I wouldn't have been looking for it."
    

    
    I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
    

    "You're drunk!"
    
    "And you're ugly! But at least when I wake up tomorrow, I'll be sober"

    "Do you have any children?"
    
    "Yes, I have nine children"
    
    "Nine children!"
    
    "My husband likes children"
    
    "I like my cigar, but at least I take it out every once in a while..."
    
    Groucho Marx

"You're crazy"


 "I wanna second opinion"


 "alright, you're ugly too"

    "This troubles me"

    To the person that hounded me about filling in a charge card
    application near the entrance to Sears:
    
    "No thank you... I already don't have one."
    
    -b

 to the lady at the dry cleaners who asked me how I like my shirts:



 "I love them!"




Jim

    
    If if's and, buts, were candy and nuts, it would be Christmas all
    year round.
    
    Mark

    
    Friends may come and go but, enemies accumulate.

    
    "One rarely meets a woman of your caliber, outside of a bowling alley"
    
    Arthur (John Guilgud)

	"If ignorance where weaties, you'd be General Mills"

				-Cecil Admas

<---  Followed by my favorite from Gielgud:
      "Good luck in prison."

    
    A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    

	An open mouth is a likely place to find a shoe-in.

    
    The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.
    

    ...do unto others before they do unto you

    Variation:  Do unto others and then get out of town.

    
    From the John Laroquette Show last night:
    
    "I was shooting pool with a rope."
    

    A trouble shared is a licence for gossip.
    
    
    
    Daz

    Si tu veux savoir combien je t'aime, compte les vagues.
    
    Les amities sont inexplicables et il ne faut pas les expliquer sous
    peine de les tuer.
    
    Nous sommes la, tous les deux, dans la rumeurs de la foule, heureux
    d'etre ensemble, parlant- peu ou peut-etre sans dire un mot. 

    For poor parking practitioners:
    
    Person pulls into parking spot, crooked, over the line, generally
    messing things up for the next spot etc.
    
    Me: "Have any kids?"
    
    Them: "No. Why?"
    
    Me: "No wonder, if you <r.o.>ed like you park, you'd never get it in."
    
    or 
    
    Them: "Yes. Why?"
    
    Me: "Amazing! If you <r.o.>ed like you park, you'd never get it in."
    
    

    Seen on a T-shirt in New Orleans last week:
    
    	"If a[something]holes could fly, this place'd be an airport."
    
    

    Made a quick phonecall from a payphone once in a rural area where
    you had to talk to a real person to find out how much to put in ...
    
    Operator:  "That will be 65c for the first three minutes."
    Me:  "OK ... oops ... all I have are quarters. I'll have to
          put in 75c. Can I get back a dime?"
    Operator:  "I'm sorry, I can't do that, but if you
    	want to give me your home address, I can mail you a check."
    
    Told her not to bother ... it isn't worth my time or theirs
    to bother with a lousy 10c check. Made my call, and when I 
    hung up my three quarters dropped back out into the coin slot.
    As I'm pulling them out of the coin slot, the phone rings.
    
    Operator:  "Excuse me sir, did your money just come back out."
    Me:	       "Why yes it did."
    Operator:  "Would you please re-deposit it?"
    Me:        "I'm sorry, I can't do that, but if you'll give me
    	        your home address, I'll send you a check."
    
    		... click ....

>>    Si tu veux savoir combien je t'aime, compte les vagues.

	If you want to know how much I love you, count the empties.??
	
	;>

>>>    Si tu veux savoir combien je t'aime, compte les vagues.
>
>	If you want to know how much I love you, count the empties.??

If you want to know how much I love you, count on a vague answer.

/john

	;>

	guess maybe it's "waves", huh?

	doctah?  (the one and only)

    >>>    Si tu veux savoir combien je t'aime, compte les vagues.
    
            If you want to know how much I love you, count the empties.??
    
            ;>
     
    
    Works for me! Bahahahaha...
    
    C

re:     <<< Note 109.38 by ASABET::EARLY "Why plan a comeback? Just do it!" >>>

:^)

There are (at least) two words for "waves" in French.

The better known one is "ondes".

As in "undulate."

/john

    Hey, this translation came from a Perugina chocolate, so don't be
    surprised if they aren't parfait. :-)
    
     Yes, Di, it's "waves."
    
     le seul vrai docteur

    >>>le seul vrai docteur
    
    
    the only true doctor...that one i knew!!!!!  (i only got the "if you
    ... know... i love you..." of the original sentence...high school
    french seems AGES away...)

    The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its
    limits.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:"Sir, if you were my husband I'd poison
    				     your tea!"
    
    His reply:			    "Madam, if I were your husband I'd
    				     drink it!"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Mrs. Coolidge (1st lady to Calvin) to a chicken farmer who's farm they
    were touring:"And how many times per day does the rooster have sex?"
    
    Farmer:"Oh, about a dozen I'd guess"
    
    Mrs. Coolidge:"Tell that to the President!"
    
    The President after having been told:"And is that with one chicken or
    					  different chickens?"
    
    Farmer:"Different chickens"
    
    The President:"Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge!"

Seen in a secretary's office -

    If you state the matter calmly and leave, no one will get hurt.

    onde is wave as in wavelength, micro-onde etc. Vague is wave as in
    sea.
    
    martin

    There's a federal agency that I get to work with called "NIST". They're
    the standards and technology people. They have this guy working for
    them that loves to make trouble... he doesn't know anything, but he
    sure likes to waste everybody's time arguing technical details anyway.
    If you say "black", he says "white". No reason, he just likes to.
    The other charming attribute of this person is that he is HUGE. Tall.
    But, as was said in reference to Delta Burke, also very much
    horizontally challenged. So, I once suggested (when he was out of
    earshot) that he add the following slogan to his business cards:
    
    
    
    				Half ton, will cavil.
    
    -b

    
>    				Half ton, will cavil.
        
        Excellent! :*)
        
    

    If arseholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
    

                            what is an arsehole???
    

    Oh boy!

andrew.... i don't know about ze bra. i've never worn one, and handled very
few. maybe you could tell us the story of ze bra.

    OH I LOVE SNARFING
    IT'S SUCH A SMALL DELIGHT
    ENDORPHOMANIA
    MAKES EVERYTHING ALRIGHT!

    Alright is alright, all right?

    
    I can't.  I just can't.

    {fffhowff affoutff ffiff fIff ffooff ffifff?}

    
    "canadians are silly, but appealing."
    
    

    Deb,
    
    I knew you'd see it my way.

    Does Deirdre make you laugh?

    We thank you.
    
    Glenn/Deirdre/Pamela/Ned

    
    
    i noticed deirdre has changed the spelling of her name....
    
    

    s/he changes names like raq changes clothes.
    
    jeff

    Nope, you're all wrong! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
    
    Deirdre is just yet another split! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
    
    And she is raw and wicked! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
    
    Aw c'mon Deirdre! Lemme out!
    
    Shaddup Dierdre, you poor excuse for a famale!
    
    oh dear.
    
    Deirdre/Dierdre/Pamela/Sean/Ned/Alice/Franny/Glenn

To be all right, remember that it's Archibald the All-Right, alright?

/john

    "Is that a beard or a chia pet?"

    I was going to put this in the prank note, but it's not really a prank.
    
    I was working late one night (at another company, not Digital),
    and I walked into the computer room and walked around the back
    of the VAXCluster... and there, on the floor, were two coworkers
    right in the midst of a very warm, very moist rogering. They both
    stood up and sorted out their clothes. The woman said to me,
    "we didn't expect anyone to come in here."
    
    To which I responded: "Well, frankly, neither did I!"
    
    -b

That reminds me of an Ann Landers column about 10 years ago.  The NY Post
deemed it too risqu� to print.

Office worker writes to complain about two coworkers involved in hanky-panky
in the file room.  She has to cover up for the woman, who's involved with
"Marvin."  She's tired of making excuses to the boss.  What should she do?

Ann's reply: "Next time the boss comes looking for her, tell him to look
in the file room under Marvin."

    
    I'd like to say, frankly, that self-control is overrated.

    Not only that, people think too highly of it.

    
    Thank you, Gilligan.

    re: .78
    
     Reminds me of the time a bunch of my buds and I were walking through a
    parking lot after having consumed considerable alcohol. As we walked by
    a van, I could hear the unmistakable sounds of someone on the receiving
    end of a good rogering. "Oh, yes, yes!" etc. So three or four of us
    starting shaking the van as hard as we could, yelling "Oh, yes, yes!
    Now!" etc. I wonder if it spoiled the mood. :-)

    
    
    RE: .84  That was you?!?!?!?!?  Why you @#$%&
    
    
    
    

    I remember the time Mikey and I were taking our morning walk over at
    DCO and two people were doing the dirty in a DECmobile...guess everyone
    can take their breaks as they see fit, or unfit, or Roger(ing)

| <<< Note 109.80 by POWDML::LAUER "Little Chamber of WarmMoistRogering" >>>


| I'd like to say, frankly, that self-control is overrated.


	But with out it, a true Vulcan will die.

    Well thank pitch forks and pointed ears!

    
    I have a pitch pipe but no pitch fork.

"I'll take the number 10 can of tapioca pudding and a spoon, please."

    
    
    Gee, if you knew you were gonna live to be this age, I bet you'd have
    taken better care of yourself, huh?
    
    
    And a card I got.....
    
    FRONT:  Just because you're getting old, don't let your spirits sag...
    
    
    INNERS: Your boobs don't need the company.
    
    
    Terrie
    

    If you eat fresh veggies every day for 85 years you'll not die young. 
    (on a place mat I inherited from my mother in law) Is there a message
    here?
    
    joan

    -1 maybe... is your m-i-l in produce?
    
       :-)

    yes, there's a message there.  anyone who's still alive at age 85 has
    already passed the "not young" test with flying colors.

    
    
    	My great grandmother is still alive at 101.....must be all that
    tea....
    
    

101?  That's great, Jim.  Maybe she's in the same boat
as the 120-year-old woman in France who said,	

"I think maybe God's forgotten about me."

    
    
    And anyone that lived their lives exactly the way she did and didn't
    live to be as old.....well, I guess they just didn't do it long
    enough.....
    
    
    
    :*)
    Terrie
    

    Don't know what made me think of it, but I recall the time
    that Dick Binder referred to me as "the south end of a north-
    bound horse" and how hard I laughed when I read that... I
    thought that was a great line and worthy of honor in the quip
    note.

    -b

It's even wittier in the original Latin.  Caesar had his men convulsed in
laughter when he told it.

    Yeah, but they were just laughing 'cause he was the boss...
    
    Chris

        Yer both  wrong  -  he  had  actually just informed them of his
        friend, Biggus Dickus  and Biggus' wife,  Incontinentia Buttocks.
        Nothing to do with horses at all.
        
        Andy
        

    .102
    
    Which reminds me of the day that the Senate argued the fate of
    Catilina's co-conspirators.  Caesar was arguing against death as
    illegal, which it was; and Cato, Rome's self-appointed conscience, was
    haranguing for death.  Because of his stand against death, Caesar was
    suspected of having been in on the conspiracy.  A note was delivered to
    Caesar, which he read, and Cato, suspicious that it was a note from a
    conspirator, demanded that he read it aloud.  Caesar demurred.  Cato
    insisted, and Caesar said, okay, read it yourself.  Aloud, if you like. 
    A clerk carried it to Cato, whose response to its contents bordered on
    apoplexy.  Turns out that the note, when read out, was a gushy love
    note from Cato's sister, a notorious libertine and a tremendous
    embarrassment to her brother.

You might be able to find a proper place for the phrase
"straight from the horse's orifice".

Jim

    
    `Kid In The Hall' Bruce McCullough:
    
    
    To the people who watched a guy steal the front wheel of my bicycle:
    
    What did you think, that he was coming back for the rest of the bike 
    later?
    

    my father and i were working on a project to replace a broken door. the
    door swung back on its hinges and crushed my fingers against the jamb,
    causing me to yell in pain. my son david, who was 5 at the time, was
    within earshot, and asked what happened.
    
    "i hurt my ring finger," i explained.
    
    david, raising his middle finger, asked "is this the ring finger
    daddy?"
    
   "no," my father interjected, "that's daddy's driving finger."
    
    -b

Ain't it the truth!
--------------------
    
IRS -- Internal Revenue Service.  Purpose:  Collect taxes and deprive
citizens of their rights.

FDA -- Food and Drug Administration.  Purpose:  Regulate food and
drugs by keeping good food and drugs off the market and allowing the
bad ones on the market.

HUD -- Housing and Urban Development.  Purpose:  To destroy property
values by building government slums in suburbs.  They also help young
people into financial ruin by getting them home loans for which they
would not normally qualify.

DEA -- Drug Enforcement Agency.  Purpose:  To separate citizens from
their property and freedom for the slightest violations of anti-drug
laws.

DOE -- Department of Energy.  Purpose:  To make sure everyone's
dependent on oil and quash any innovations in energy supply.

INS -- Immigration and Naturalization Service.  Purpose:  To establish
racist and arbitrary immigration quotas.

HHS -- Health and Human Services.  Purpose:  To ensure that as many
people are addicted to welfare as possible.

FAA -- Federal Aviation Administration.  Purpose:  To proclaim the
airways safe so the President can get reelected.  Also forbids
airlines from publishing their own safety records for purposes of
competition.

FBI -- Federal Bureau of Investigation.  Purpose:  Federal police
force.  Primary duty is to shoot women in the back and burn children
alive.

EPA -- Environmental Protection Association.  Purpose:  Take your land
away from you to protect little critters from evil and cruel you.

USDA -- Department of Agriculture.  Purpose:  To eliminate small farms
and give a liability-shielded carte blanche to corrupt corporations so
they can poison children with rotten beef.

FCC -- Federal Communication Commission -- Purpose:  To control speech
and thought on the airwaves.

DOJ -- Department of Justice -- Purpose:  To enforce US laws in the
most politically expedient manner.

BIA -- Bureau of Indian Affairs -- Purpose:  To ensure that Native
Americans stay addicted to alcohol and in poverty.

BLM -- Bureau of Land Management -- Purpose:  To own most of the land
west of the Mississippi and sell mining rights at 99% discounts to
foreign corporations.

USFS -- Forest Service -- Purpose:  To grant logging rights to
corrupt, politically privileged organzations.

SEC -- Securities Exchange Commission --Purpose: to take the competitive 
edge away from the most dynamic companies, and give it to the least capable.

BATF -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms -- Purpose: Tell
you when, what, and where you can smoke, drink, and shoot.  And if you
don't do as they say, they knock your door down and shoot *you*!