| Cuz these things are so big and I got some last minute adjustments and
actual work to do, we'll do the installment thing again. Anyway let's
get this show on the road...
*** The 1991 NOTER AWARDS ***
Welcome one and all to the 1991 Noter Awards I'm Jesse "Devil Dog"
Hernandez your host for this annual show where you the noters of Heavy_Metal
get to decide all the best of 1991. For this 3rd show we have 4 topics and a
zillion catagories. We'll begin with the Music awards. Oh, yea, you'll notice
our new little statues are of a guitarist ripping off a hot lick. We call it
the HAAT (Heavy_metal Annual Awards Topic)
Best Album - Queensryche has won this catagory every year starting in 1989
when Operation Mindcrime was tops and was followed by Empire for 1990. Well
Empire was also gettin votes for 1991, fortunately not nearly enough this
time. The top three nominations for Best album were "Slave to the Grind" by
Skid Row, "Metallica" by Metallica, and "Use You Illusion I" by Guns and
Roses. And the winner is...
METALLICA!!!,
Best Song - Historically this catagory is also dominated by Queensryche. "Eyes
of a Stranger" took 1989, while "Best I Can" walked away with the 1990 Award.
Well things were a but different here in 1991. The top three nominations were
"Enter Sandman" Metallica, "Holier Than Thou" Metallica, and "No More Tears"
Ozzy Osbourne. Envelope please...
Woah! A tie! "Enter Sandman" and "Holier Than Thou" both take home the HAAT!
Best Band - Metallica in 1989 and Queensryche in 1990 have taken home the
HAAT. In 1991 both bands made the top three again along with Guns and Roses.
Before I present the award I gotta admire Queensryche's domination in these
top three catagories. Including last years sweep, well Metallica has 2 HAATs
so we'll see if they can make it a sweep for 1991...
YES! Metallica is the 1991 Band of the Year! A clean sweep of the top three.
Best Singer - Returning Champion Geoff Tate of Queensryche heads up the Best
Singer catagory. The field includes Sebastard Bach of Skid Row, Steven Tyler
of Aerosmith, Axl Rose of Guns and Roses, and David Lee Roth, yup some sickie
out there voted for him. O.k. I can tell you that Tyler, Axl, and David Lee
tied for third so the 1991 HAAT goes to...
Goeff Tate of Queensryche!!!
Best Guitarist -Here's our very own Bill Buckley to present the Best Guitarist
award...
...thank you, Jezz. I'm here to present the award for Most Outstanding
HM Guitarist, in a Solo or Band position. The nominees are...Steve Vai
("You want me to turn it down...like this?? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"), Nuno
'The NOSE' Bettencourt ("Dance DANCE Dance DANCE Dacin to the Decadence Dance"),
Kirk Hammett ("dadadaDA dadadaDA dadadaDA For Whom the Bell Tolls"), and
Marty Friedman ("insert nine million really weird notes <HERE>!").
And the winners are...in 3rd place, receiving the HM 'Honorable Mention' award,
Mr. Steve Vai (insert crowd noise <HERE>!). In 2nd place, coping the 1992
HM 'Close, but Forgedabout it!' award...Mr. Nuno Bettencourt (insert boos
and misc crowd noise <HERE>!). It should be cited that it was a very close
race, and for a while it appeared that Mr. Bettencourt was ahead by a nose,
but unfortunately, lost the top honors in a last, desperate leap forward by
our 1st place winner. And the envelope, please...
(insert taped sound of drum roll <HERE>!)...Mr. Marty Friedman!!!!!!!! (The
crowd goes berserk!)
Best Drummer - The nominations for best drummer are Scott Rockenfield,
Queensryche; Tommy Lee, Motley Cr�e; Matt Sorum, Guns & Roses; and Lars
Ulrich, Metallica. And the winner is...
Tommy Lee AND Scott Rockenfield.
Best Bassist - "Bassists do it deeper". I dunno who said that but it certainly
applies to our two finalists, Billy Sheehan and Geddy Lee. Well the HAAT goes
to...
Both! wow another tie. Go figure.
Best Concert - What makes a good concert? We all have our opinions and tastes
and the nominees all seemed to hit what we were looking for. The three
finalists in the best concert catagory were Guns & Roses, Queensryche, and
Metallica. Hmm. Envelope...
Queensrych!
Best new band - Hey lookie there, we have Greg House and his buddy Slash here
to present the award for best new band. Hey Everybody, I'm Slash and hey like
somebody turn these BEEEEEEP lights down I can't see shiBEEEEEP! Ok, like,
I'm gonna give the award for Best BEEEEEPin New Band, ok?
<Hey, hey man, you can't say that!>
What? What the BEEEEEP are you BEEEEEEEP talkin about?
<We're on TV, man, you can't SAY that!>
BEEEEP you man, I'll say what I fuBEEEEEEEP say!
<The award, give the AWARD>
Yeh, like ok, the first runner up for Best BEEEEEEP New Band is Nirvana
with 6 votes, and....where's that BEEEEEP envelope? HEY! You got another
envelope or something? What the BEEEP?
<HERE, just read it and GET OFF!>
Ok like the BEEEEPin winner is... umm...
Firehouse!?! Those BEEEEEEP puBEEEEP?? Well, like they're the winners,
they got 8 votes, so that's BEEEEEP it!
Worst Band - Who really inhaled this year. Though my opinions are well
documented we gotta see how we as a conference feel. The bands that really bit
were...Pose'n, er Poison, notsoTuff, and Nirvana. Now I know someone will be
offended cuz a band they like was the worst but that's kinda TOUGH! Anyway the
Worst band this year, maybe of all-time is...
POISON! See Friz, told you they'd win something. Since we're already railing
on Pose'n we might as well hang 'em their award for got worse as well. Hell,
Van Hagar, you guys come up here too, you tied for the got worse award. Lose
all them girly songs and you my have something!
Comeback of the Year - Geeze, Metallica wonjust about everything else, we
might as well give 'em this one too. O.k, o.k., The other finalists are Skid
Mark, er Row, and Guns and Roses. Any guesses? Anyone? Anyone?
Yup, I was right, it was Metallica!
Best Heavy Metal New Story - Here's Howard Cosell to give the award for best
news story. Hello everybody this is Howwud Co-sell here to present this honor
of notoriety in a news-wor-thy capacity. Those events in the heavy metal realm
of outstanding notability are to include...VINCE NEIL AND AXL ROSE!! What a
confrontation of vocal masters truly to be appreciated by one and all. There
were threats and challanges the like have not been witnessed since the
Ali-Frazier confrontations of old. A highly volitile situation still on the
brink of total chaos. Can it ever come to a satiscfactory conclusion? JUDAS
PRIEST! Painstakingly patient as they were cleared of false charges of driving
a comletely misguided youth to an early demise brought forth by a drug
influenced mind. And finally we come to the deaths of two inspiring musicians,
Freddy Murcury of Queen fame, and Eric Carmen of the Kiss legacy. Our hearts
were truly saddened by the loss. Now we come to the most deserving of entrants
in the topic we are presenting here today. The envelope if I may...
The votas of the Heavy Metal notes conference deemed the confrantation of
linguistic performers as the unparalleled news story of the 1991 calander
year.
Best Video Single/Full length video - <zzzzz> Uh, thank you Howard. O.k. now
the final two music awards are the best videos. We were gonna ask the Goddess
to present these but she's never in her office so oh well. The best video come
down two finalists. "Enter sandman" by Metallica and "Don't Cry" by Guns and
Roses. Seem like Metallica has been busting G & R's chops all day so why stop
now, eh? Oh well, here's the winner...
WOW! another tie. Geeze with all these ties, lotsa sisters is getting kissed.
O.k. lets jum right in to the Full length video catagory where the top two are
the Unforgiven by metallica and Operation LIvecrime by Queensryche. Whelp, The
winner is...
Operation Livecrime, Queensrych!
O.k that dos it for the Music stuff, the Visual stuff is to follow. I just
gotta edit some stuff real quick.
|
| Welcome back to the 1991 Heavy_metal Annual Awards Topic. Management decided
to blow off the visual stuff for now and get right into the noter topics!
Funniest - The Funniest noter has always been Shawn Labounty. He's got two
strait titles and is going for a third! Jesse and Flip were hot on his tracks
and have been for the last 2 years but never quite had what it took to unseed
the champ. GH, Scary, and newcomer Escoboar were all challanging for the
title. Envelope please...
And the weener is Jesse Hernandez. The champ is unseeded!
Biggest Troublemaker - Who starts the most trouble? Now theres a good one! We
have me the defending champ, /prc the veteran troublemaker, but there was also
trouble from the youth of the world escoBoar and Frizpose also started a lot
of stuff that caused trouble. I dunno, who will it be?...
FRIZPOSE!!!! Never before has a rookie create so much controversy. From his
great beginnings with the L.A. Guns topic to the metallica bashing Friz was
a rude little sh*t.
Most Informative - here's Greg house to give the award for most informative.
Thank's Jess, I'm Greg House, a member of the board of Moderators in
Heavy_Metal here to give the award for this years Most Informative Noter.
The competation this year was astounding, with several noters having
actually been informative. Since there were no actual nominations for this
award, I'll dismiss with the quotes and proceed with the award!
In first place, the Most Informative Noter of 1992 was Francine Goldberg,
well known to us as F. and the Goddess of Fdottedness!
[insert sound of massive applause]
Congratulations to you F., those long hours of typing in articles on bands
have not gone unrewarded!
In second place we have a tie between Allen Frisby (the Frizkid), and Alan
Starr. Must be the name...
Thank you all for your informative notes!
[insert sound of more applause]
Best Musician - Here to present the award for best musician is someone who
can't play a single instrument. Me. Since the conference started we've used it
as a media for talented individuals to show off their talent among other
noters, whether sending tapes or playing live, we've all been supportive of
one another. Geeze, I sound like a frigg'in Alan Alda movie. Anyway the
bestest, most talented musician as voted by you the viewers was...
FRIZKID!!!
PSYCHE!!! Bill Buckley come on down! THis is Buck's second award! I guess he's
really "Got the Beat" Go-Go Buck!! What a BBST(tm)!
Best Hair - Here is JJ Chase-on, to present the best Hair winner.
We all know that Rob Rothberg won this award last year, and frankly
this HMer thought he would be winning again this year......NOT!
the case. This year's BEST HAIR award goes to:
Duy Le! (clap, clap, clap, clap)
Now for those of you who have never met Duy his hair is indeed
impressive. Long jet black hair, last time I saw him it was
almost to his butt. Jim Whitman came in a close second and
believe it or not Rob Rothberg came in third.
Most Bashed - Thank you Jesse! The second award I'll be presenting this
evening is one close to my heart. As Queen LGTB(tm), I was
lucky enough to win this award last year. What is the award
you ask? The coveted MOST BASHED!! (clap, clap, clap, clap)
Thank you. This was one of the closest battles in this year's
running but 1991's biggest bashee is........
Allen "Frizkid" Frisby! (clap, clap, clap, clap)
Allen's biggest contender for this award was Chris Escobar who
was only one point behind the 'kid. And trailing behind Chris
was Peter Cook with 2 points. However, I would like to
make it known that I didn't receive one nomination! Thank you.
Best Partyer - Once again Rob and I partied our way to the top along with the
rookie chick hick from Texas, April. Pete also gave chase, even though he
booted after one shot! Anyway the creme de la creme of the boozers was none
other than Rob Rothberg! Congrats Rob, and have a drink on me!
Rookie of the year - I thought last years rookies were bad. This new crop was
just as bad, they came out swinging and slugged it out with us vets no matter
how bad we made them look. The three rooks who rose to to top of the heap was
'pril, friz, and Escoboar. The rookie of the year last year was that Tracy
chick who dared challange the bashers with her LGTG(tm) ways. I still think
she was someone's kid though. Anyway here goes...
All three deserving, only one can win. Well unless
there is a tie. <wink> Nope, no tie here . The oughtright winner was CHRIS
ESCOBOAR!!! 1991 Rookie of the year!!!
Thanks Herr Devil Dog. As the proud recipient of the 1990 HM BEST BASHER
award, I'm honored to be able to present the 1991 HAAT award in this
category. Following in the tradition of my retched rhetorical wrath for
BEST BASHER were notes newcomers Fridkid and EscoBrat. Making a strong
showing of votes were some volatile veteran verbal vipers, Scary, /prc,
and the Buck, last years clean sweep slasher. And from 6,000 miles away,
we all felt the shockwaves of crude, cutting, and caustic wit...the UK
wonder, 2nd only in pur woman power to our dear Queen (everyone wave like
the Queen!!)...Flip!! Lots of nasties were noted this past year, and this
was an extremely close race for honors. One noter bashed a little harder,
a little longer, and a little more intensly than the rest. ...and without
further adieu, the 1991 HAAT award for BEST BASHER goes to...
JESSE (DD) HERNANDEZ!!!
Best fight - Ooooowww! lotsa good ones but the best ones were Jim Whitman and
his friend popping Duy in a jealous rage, the 'pril/wendyo wars, and the
Pete/Friz conflict. Ah but the best one was The Jesse/Pete baby debate, where
it was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Pete was acting like a big baby.
Calmest noter - AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! O.k. who is calm? I'll tell you, <envelope
rips> Paul Mccarron, is he still around? Runner up was /k and Greg House.
Hmm.
Shortest Fuse - Should be the immaturest award but hey, who am I to talk?
Anyway we had a great battle with everyone voting for their favorite short
fuse person. When the dust cleared Pete was able to fly off the handle a
little quicker than the Frixkid. Congrats Pete.
Shortest noter - Ha. Ha. Everyone knows that F. is shorter than I am so why
did anyone vote for me. Sheesh, well F. won, I mean c'mon she's a real short
person. Congrats F. you really deserve it.
Best Nickname - Whoa, the Goddess of f-dottedness runs away with this one.
Frizpose was a distant second. KimmyLast year's runner up ran up again but was
a tad further behind this time out.
Most technical - Buck-e-lee takes home the Gold in a techno-weenie blowout!
Gh, and Mikey Heiser also finished strong, whew, does gh smell strong!
Note of the Year - Rob's You're a lush beat a field that included the trial
of Shawn Labounty, and the Scary "WHy Pete started EHM" which led to Jesse
proving what a baby Pete was. All were pretty funny.
Noter of the Year - The final topic of the noter stuff. Noter of the year is
kinda like the MVP in a professional sport. Who contributes the most to the
team. everyone has their idea of what to look for in the noter of the year and
one person stood out and was able to meet criteria held by the most among us.
The 1991 NOTER OF THE YEAR is...
GREG HOUSE!!! Congrats Greg. The place wouldn't be the same without you.
|
| O.K. On with the show. Geeze a whole month of commercials. Hey, lotsa people
wanted to be a part of this stuff.
Best Movie - Lotsa movies were considered and only a few choice ones stood
out. The nominees are Terminator II, Dances With Wolves, Silence of the Lambs,
and the Little Mermaid. Hmm, any guesses? Envelope please...
Terminator II!!! Da's right, Arnie came back!
Best Actress - Talk about diversity. O.k. seriously, how many of you voted
for someone based on her acting ability. Yup, not a lot. Those that did didn't
pay attention to the fact that the acress may not have been in a movie that
year. Anyway Julia Roberts is the only person to recieve more than one so she
wins.
Best Actor - For best actor we have two main nominees, and they are Arnie, and
Kevin Costner. Lotsa other great performances were overlooked but that's life
ain't it. Well looks like Arnie wins!
Best killing in a movie - Terminator two wins hands down.
<Sploosh><picture tomatoe nailing mc in da face and a voice yelling "quit
being such an escoBOAR!!!>
Best T.V Show - We gots lotsa great stuff for t.v. show battle royal.
Replresenting Married With Children is Kelly Bundy <yowza!>; from Herman's head
the sensitive chick(sorry /k); from Star Trek the nexted Generation, the bald
guy!!; From Beverly Hills 90210 Francine Goldberg,er Andrea Zucherman, and
Maggie Simpson from the Simpsons. Ok. Right away Herman's sensitivity can't
stand to compete so she hops out of the ring eliminating Herman's head. The
bald guy starts shooting, <Splat> there goes Maggie Simpson, but wait the bald
guy slips in the ink and falls out of the ring. Kelly Bundy pulls Andrea
Zucherman's hair. Andrea falls against the ropes! Kelly has almost won!
WAIT!!! Here comes Brenda and Brandon Walsh. They tell Kelly that Skid Row is
outside. Kelly sez "So what they, inhale." Brandon sez, "oops, my mistake,
it's Metallica." Kelly bolts out the door leaving Andrea Zucherman and Beverly
Hills 90210 as the Best T.V. Show, talk about an upset!! Andrea leaves the
ring. WAIT!!! The Simpsons win!!! Maggie never left the ring cuz she's
splattered all over it!! Andrea Zucherman eliminated herself. THE Simpson's
win.
Best Cartoon - Due to the great loss to the Simpson's by that bald guy from
Star trek 2 the next generation, Rem and Stimpy and all other cartoons
withdraw themselves from the competition so the Simpsons cain win this too.
What a tragic day. :^( <sob>
Best T.V. Actress - Lotsa fine actresses were chosen this year for their
ability. That was very heartening. It's good to see that in this day and age a
person can be judged by talent and not by looks. This years actress displayed
all we want in a good actress. Grace, dialog, legs, tight skirts, <insert
picture of jesse crumpling up his notes> Aww, Who'm I kidding? kelly Bundy
wins best actress and we all know why!!! Thank God for the fox, er Fox.
Best T.V. Actor - Boy do we got some stallions in this one! Ed O'neil, Chris
Elliott, and Homer Simpson are our finalists! ANy guesses? Winner is ED
O'neil!!! Wow MWC sweep the Actress/actor awards, who'da thunk?
Best Movie Comedy - Lotsa funny movies this year, but the funniest as chosen
by yo the HM voters was "Naked Gun 2�".
Best T.V. Comedy - FOX totally dominates this one. The Bundys, Herman's Head,
and In Living Color are the top three nominees. Well In Living Color and
herman's Head tie for second so I guess the Bundys win!!!
Best Magazine - I've been voting for the same mag for three years now and this
is the first time it got more than one vote. Usually its guitar this, or music
that, not this year people. It's about time a magazine like this is
appreciated for the cutting edge reporting it's famous for. Yesserie BOB! The
1991 Best Magazine is PLAYBOY!!! Congrats Hef, this one's for you!
<Commercial Break> PIcture teen girl talking to her friend on the phone.
Blonde: <hair toss> Like, no way, I'm not going to use my mother's <femine
hygene device>.
Brunette: <giggle> Like, you don't actually her the one she used, just, the
same brand.
Blonde: <confused look> Oh, I dunno.
Brunette: <Head bob> I'm so sure. They're the best, even Susie Rottoncrotch sez
so, and she'd know"
Blonde: <phone cord chew>Yeh, but she's such a floozy, and like, I don't need
THAT much protection.
Brunette: <Hair twirl> Like, you never know I read...
<Jesse coming back on.>
Dumbest commercial - Do I really need to get into this?
Hottest Babe - Lotsa hot ones. We oughta get to vote twice for this one.
Only one babe was able to rise above all the rest. Mariah Carey
come on down!!! What a_upset!!! Elle Mcpherson was second.
Best Poster - <wiping sweat from forehead> Wow! Hottest babe got me really
physed(tm) for this one. <Rips open envelope, reads, makes scrunchy face like
he just smelled rotting cheese> The winner is jnbmb, <what?> JON BOMB!
O.K.!!! #^%$ Must be something wrong with the accounting sytem.
Best Action Movie - Needs I reply? O.k. Terminator II. Arnie's really cleaning
up!
Lamest Movie - Boy wuz we suckers! Lotsa dumb flicks to choose from! The Adams
Family ruled as the lamest of 1991. Creepy and kooky? NOT! Snoring and boring!
Lamest T.V. Show - In a age of lotsa cool t.v. shows three stood out as the
lamest. We got the geriatric women, Get a life, and anything to do with home
videos. Well Bob(sagett?) looks like u is da lamest! 1991 Lamest goes to
"Anything involving home videos"
Fugliest Person - For them who didn't know, fugly means f***** Ugly. Just
gimme da envelope. Rosanne Barr-whateverthehailhernewnameis. Truly a graceful
one. NOT!
Newsworthy @$$#07& of the year - We got a battle royal for this one! Wow what
action! Jeff Dahmer just ate Donald Trump, SAddam Hussain scuds CC Deville.
William Kennedy Smith attacks Anita Hill. George Bush leaves the ring as Ice T
starts rapping. WKS and Anita hill leave the ring to get a hotel room. Jeff
Dahmer chases Ice T back to the locker room. That leaves Saddam Hussein as the
winner congrats @$$#07&!
Best News Crisis - The gulf war was by far the best crisis of the year. It had
everything. Mad Americans, mad Iraquis, mad Israelis, missile launches, air
attacks, endless bantering by both sides. Great stuff! Gorby also made good
copy this year but no one launched a missile at him. the AIDS epidemic was
also good copy but again no missiles.
Best Talk Show Host - We got 5 nominees for best Talk Show Host. Phil
Donahue...Howard Stern...Jon Ross...Arsenio Hall...and Oprah Winfry. And the
Winner is Oprah. Oprah will not be able to accept the award cuz she's in
Oregon for the Rajneesh jamboree.
Best Book - Our tastes in books are as different as our tastes in just about
everything else. Steven King was well represented but this year Tom Clancy was
supreme! The Sum of All Fears was far and away the best book of the year!
The final award of this section will be Best Model - We have 4 nominees. Kathy
Ireland...Cindy Crawford...Elle Mcpherson, gee, anyone read Sports
Illustrated? And Phil Barone, whoever he is. Right off lets toss out Phil
Barone too many males in here for him to win. next we'll toss out Elle cuz she
always wins and we want some new blood in here. Kathy or Cindy, dang! can't
both win? No. O.K. o.k. the winner is Cindy Crawford!! Yowza! time for a
commercial break!!!
|