Conference napalm::guitar

1450.0. "I've gigged with Republicans..." by CSMET2::MARIANI () Wed Aug 30 1989 12:37

         <<< HYDRA::DISK$USERPACK02:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -<  Dave Barry - Noted humorist  >-
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Note 455.0             MUSICALLY DISABLED THREATEN ECONOMY            No replies
AISVAX::KUTA                                         98 lines  23-AUG-1988 16:39
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            MUSICALLY DISABLED THREATEN ECONOMY
    
                      by Dave Barry
    
         [The Billings Gazette, August 10, 1988]
    
    
         Today I wish to discuss an alarming problem that threatens
    to destroy the very fabric of society, or at least greatly increase
    the polyester content:  Musical Disability.  According to statistics
    that I recently wrote down on a cocktail napkin, musical disability
    afflicts one out of every two human beings, and a far higher 
    proportion of Republican convention delegates.  Few sights on Earth
    are as pathetic as when, at a Republican function, the hired band
    ("Earl LaRue and His Accordions of Passion") breaks into a true
    GOP rocker such as "Bad, Bad LeRoy Brown" and the delegates, feeling
    funky, attempt to clap along, and they ALL get it wrong.  
         
         To understand what I mean by "wrong," try this simple Ray
    Charles Clapping Test:  You sing "Hit the Road, Jack" and you clap
    along.  If you clap this way  *"Hit the road (clap) Jack (clap)"*
    then you are normal.  But if you clap THIS way  *"Hit the (clap),
    (clap)"*  you are musically disabled, at least in the rhythm area.
    If you don't even KNOW "Hit the Road, Jack," you should contact
    the Republicans, because you are delegate material.
    
         Rhythm disabilities are not correctable.  Take my good friend
    and neighbor, Walt.  He has never been able to dance a lick in his
    life, but last year he became determined to dance at his son's bar
    mitzvah.  So he took professional lessons in his house, lurching
    conscientiously around his family room for a number of weeks.
    Finally came the big moment, at the bar mitzvah, when Walt got out
    on the floor, his face reflecting the grim determination of a man
    about to single-handedly carry an Amana freezer up the basement
    steps.  Which is also pretty much how he danced.  The band played
    and Walt grimly stomped around, until the air was filled with
    thousands of musical beats and thousands of stomps, and yet, in
    defiance of the laws of mathematical probability, not once, the
    whole evening, did a beat and a stomp occur simultaneously.
    
         Sometimes a person will be normal in the rhythm area, but
    disabled in the note area.  A good example of this is my friend
    Randall.  At the drop of a hat, Randall will tell you about the
    time he piloted a Corvette across an unscheduled railroad track
    and roughly 120 feet through the lower atmosphere to a flawless
    landing, all the while drumming his right fist on the dashboard
    in perfect time to the song "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood
    and his Delaware Destroyers.
    
         Yet Randall is totally lost when confronted with the Barbara
    Ann Harmony Singing Test.  As you musical sophisticates know,
    harmony requires a minimum of two notes.  So I'll tell Randall to
    select a note *any note in the Free World* and sing Ba Ba Ba, Ba
    Barbara Ann," the plan being that I will then join in with a 
    different note, thereby forming harmony.
    
         "Just don't change your note!"  I'll stress.
    
         So Randall starts singing, and everything goes great until
    I join in, at which point Randall abandons his note and starts to
    use mine.  If I switch back to his note, so does he.  If, as an
    experiment, I make a noise like a malfunctioning air compressor,
    Randall follows right along, cheerfully oblivious, convinced that
    we sound exactly like the Beach Boys (which, tragically, we do).
    
         But at least Randall is capable of emitting recognizable human
    notes.  This is more than we can say for the unfortunates who are
    100 percent musically disabled.  The worst cases I've seen are two
    women I know named Sandy and Libby, who used to operate a men's
    clothing store.  You'd go in there, and a good song would come on
    the radio *something upbeat like "Dancin' in the Streets"* yet
    you'd find yourself feeling strangely sad.  Slowly you'd realize
    that the cause of your sadness was this...  this sound, a low,
    foghorn-like moaning, except that if foghorns were this depressing,
    the ships would deliberately crash into the rocks.  And just when
    you'd decided that you weren't going to buy any men's clothes after
    all, that instead you were going to lie down right there and never
    eat again, you realized that this sound was coming from Sandy and
    Libby.
    
         "Are you singing?" you'd ask.
    
         "Sorry!" they'd say.
    
         Eventually their store went out of business.  And while we
    cannot say definitely how many jobs are lost each year because of
    musical disability, we can safely assume that it is 1,631,856. 
    You do not solve a problem of this magnitude merely by talking
    about it:  You solve it with a massive and wasteful federal program.
    Which is why I am asking all of you to join your voices in the
    following protest song, to the tune of either "I've Been Working
    on the Railroad" or "Got My Mojo Workin'":
    
              We're (clap hands) the musically disabled
              We're the (clap hands) musically disabled
              We're the musically (clap hands) disabled
              And if you don't give us what we want we're 
                 gonna sing this song again (stomp feet).

    I shouldn't even qualify this note by replying to it ;
    but maybe you're correct.Perhaps there are more musically-
    untalented people out there who are Republicans;BUT there are 
    many more Illiterate and unproductive people who are'nt for 
    example President Bush doesn't have any musical skill I've 
    ever heard of.....but on the other hand Dukakis,Jackson,Carter,
    and Mondale don't have any Political talent that I've heard about
    either (IMHO). What do you say we leave this to some other conference
    in the future?????(I'm sure the disk space could be put to better
    use!)
    -Republican-ly yours,
    -Bill

    Only a republican would respond like that to a Dave Barry 
    article.
    
    Bob

    ***** IT WAS A JOKE ****** NO POLITICAL SLUR INTENDED *****
    
    
	It was only (clap) a joke,
    
    	I (clap) humbly stutter.
    
    	You've got the sense (clap) of humor,
    
    	Of a pound of butter. (clap)
    
    	Sheeesh.
    
    	Ted
        
    	

    re: .3
    
    I'm rooooolling.....
    
    :^)
    
    Edd

    Re .1
    
    	Hey Bill. Want some Cure tickets?. Yuk Yuk.
    				Rich
    

    Funny to the bone!
    
    	joe.

    SORRY LADIES AND GENTS.I shouldn't make such a fuss but my DOCTOR
    SAYS I GET TOO MUCH CAFIENNE>>>AND IT MAKES ME
    EDGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......now where is that chainsaw I
    had ?????????
    

    It is a well-known fact in the UK that socialist Prime
    Minister-in-waiting Neil Kinnock is a fully paid up member of the
    Duane Eddy fan club. Not only that, he has appeared in a Tracey
    Ullman video.
    
    Bob

    LOOKING FOR A 1968 FENDER STRAT 

Where did you lose it?  What does it look like?

    I've got a (clap clap ) red one.