Conference napalm::guitar

    
    
    
    	Hey, Buck how do you play a B12 anyway??

    I think B12 is an octave above perfect 5th to B.

    How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    
    1,000............
    
    1 to screw it in and.............
    
    
    999 to say they can do it just as good or better!!!!!!!
    
    hehehehehehe  'pril    �|-))))

    Hey 'pril...
    
    I heard that Joke at Berklee...
    
    How many Berklee students does it take to change a light bulb...
    
    same answer

    
    
    
    	I thought that all a guit player had to do was hang on to the damn
    light bulb and........
    
    LET THE WORLD REVOLVE AROUND THEM!

Toooooo much!  ;^)...

Will

    I thought the answer was :
    
    None because guitarists aren't afraid of the dark.
    
    P.K

     Or the old drummer standard:

        All together -

     How many drummers does it take....
     
10, or whatever # strikes your fancy -
     

     1 to screw it in, and the rest to discuss how Steve Gadd would've
     done it.

	I was re-reading some old notes in the DAVE_BARRY notes conference the
other day and I figured that maybe some of you out there would find this amusing
or even smacking of the truth.






                  'The Snake' by Dave Barry


	The way I picture it, adulthood is a big, sleek jungle snake, swimming
just around the bend in the River of Life. It swallows you subtly, an inch at 
a time, so  you barely notice the signs:  You start reading the labels on 
things before you eat them, rather than to pass the time while you eat them; 
you find yourself listening to talk radio because the hit songs they play on 
the rock stations (can this really be YOU, thinking this?) all begin to sound 
the same.  Before you know it, you have monogrammed towels in your bathroom, 
and all your furniture is nice.  And suddenly you realize it's too late, that 
you'd rather sit around on your furniture and talk about the warning signs of 
colon cancer with other grown-ups than, for example, find out what happens 
when you set one of those plastic milk jugs on fire.  And if your kid sets a 
milk jug on fire, you yell at him:  "Somebody could get hurt," and really 
mean it, from inside the snake.

	I mention all this to explain how I came to buy, at age 38, an electric
guitar. I had one once before, from 1965 through 1969, when I was in college.
It was a Fender Jazzmaster, and I played lead guitar in a band called The 
Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a 
result of controlled substances being in widespread use.  Back then, there 
were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 
made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but 
unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease.

	We mainly played songs like Gloria, which was great for 60s bands, 
because it had only three chords; it had a solo that was so simple it could be
learned in minutes even by a nonmusical person, or an advanced fish; and 
it had great lyrics, which begin:  

Wanna tell you 'bout my baby/You know she comes 
around/Stands about five feet four/From her head to the 
ground.

	My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 
threw my amplifier out the dormitory window.  We did not act in haste.  First 
we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the 
belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed 
up to my bedroom door.  Then we rushed forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" 
and we lauched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our 
lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but 
appreciative crowd had gathered.  I would like to be able to say that this was
a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state in 
my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I really just 
wanted to find out what it would sound like.  It sounded OK.

	Unlike The Who, I couldn't afford a new amplifier, and playing an 
unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table, so I sold my 
Jazzmaster and got a cheap acoustic guitar, which I diddled around on for 16 
years.  It was fine for Kum By Yah, but ill-suited for My Baby Does the Hanky 
Panky.  So there's been this void in my life, which I've tried to fill by 
having a career, but I see now I was kidding myself.

	So recently, Ms. Magazine sent me a check for $800 for an article I 
wrote about sex.  This seemed like such a bizarre way to get hold of $800 that
I figured I should do something special with it, so I thought about it, and 
what came to mind is - this is the scary part of our story, coming up now - a
new sofa.  Our primary living-room sofa looks like a buffalo that has been 
dead for some time, and I thought:  "Maybe we should get a nicer sofa."  Which 
is when I felt the Snake of adulthood, slithering around my leg.

	So I said to my wife:  "I am going to take this money and buy an 
electric guitar."  And she said - I believe I married her in anticipation of 
this very moment - "Fine."

	I have never been so happy.  My amplifier has a knob called "overdrive,"
which, if you turn it all the way up to 10, makes it so that all you have to 
do is touch a string to  make a noise that would destroy a greenhouse.  My wife
and son and dog spend more time back in the bedroom these days.  Out in the 
living room, I put the Paul Butterfield Blues Band on the stereo, and when they
do Got My Mojo Workin', I play the guitar solo at the same time Mike Bloomfield
does. I am not as accurate as he is in terms of hitting the desired notes, but
you can hear me better because I have "overdrive."

	I bet I know what you're thinking:  You're thinking my electric guitar
is a Midlife Crisis Object that I bought in the Midlife Crisis Store filled 
with middle-aged guys who wear jogging shoes and claim they love Bruce 
Springsteen but really think he's merely adequate.  And you may be right. 
I don't care if you are.  To me, my guitar is a wonderful thing.  It's a 
Gibson, with the classic old electric-guitar shape.  It looks like a 
modernistic oar, which you could use, in a pinch, to row against the current 
in the River of Life, or at least stay even with it for a while. 



J.
    

    
    
    
    	Man, this is the best!!!  My life story to a tee.. cept I never
    threw my amp out a window...  Coop, I thought you were younger!  ;^)

    Yo Greevie !!
    
    Thats cousin John...  Used to hang with Jerry Garcia and PigPen at
    Haight-Ashbury.
    
    Wagagagagagagagagaaaa...
    
    I did something similar to that too, must run in the family.  I kicked
    my KittyHawk off the top of my cab to see if the dirty channel would EQ
    correctly in flight.  It didn't.
    
    jc

        Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
    
        A: He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

    A guitar player and a drummer died and went to heaven.  They met St. 
    Peter at the gate, who seemed quite startled by their sudden presence.
    
    "What are YOU guys doing here?" quoth he.  "You're not due for another
    two weeks!"
    
    "Hey, this wasn't OUR idea, dude!" retorted the drummer.
    
    "Well," said St. Pete, "we do have a contingency plan for just such
    occasions.  Since we're not done with your pads yet, we'll let you go 
    back to earth as anything you want while we're finishing up.  
    Whaddya say?"
    
    "Boy!" mused the guitarist.  "I've always *wanted* to be an eagle,
    and go swooping out over the mountains ..."
    
    "No sooner said than done!" said St. Peter.  "A good choice!  And - er,
    what would YOU like to be?" he said somewhat hesitantly to the drummer.
    
    The drummer was very quick to reply, and puffed out his chest. "I wunna
    beea STUD!" he quipped in his best western drawl.
    
    St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, then (considering the source)
    mimicked, "A STUD!  Well - okay, if that's what you really want."
    
    A few weeks later, Michael the archangel dropped in on St. Peter. 
    "Hey, Pete my man!  It's time to get those two dudes who were up here
    by mistake - and I'm the one who's supposed to find them.  You know
    where they hang out?"
    
    "Yeah," said St. Peter.  "You'll find the one guy down soaring over the
    Grand Canyon."
    
    "Well, what about the other guy?"
    
    St. Peter scratched his chin.  "I think he's on a snow tire in Detroit."

    An african explorer walks into a remote village in the congo.  As
    he enters the village he cannot help but notice the deafening sound
    of drums coming from the other end of the village.
    
    	When he reaches the end he sees a team of natives beating the
    cr*p out of some drums , behind them is another team of people standing
    there.  He watches for a while and as one of the drummers drops from
    fatigue someone jumps up to take his place.
    
    	He meets the cheif of the village but conversation is nearly
    impossible over the noise of the drums.  He eats a meal, bathes and
    beds down all the while the drums monsterous noise pounds around him.
    
    	He awakes in the morning and the drums still play every time he
    asks someond what is going on they say "drums must never stop"
    he stays for a week and in the end almost crazed by the noise he
    approaches the cheif and says
    " why do the drums play"
    Cheif   "Drums must never stop"
    Explorer "Why"
    Cheif   "drums must never stop"
    Explorer "for god's sake man tell me why"
    Cheif "if drums stop.................bass solo starts"
    
    P.K.

    
    Agagaga!!!

    Drums must never stop!!! .... I love it ... I gotta use this one!
    
    "saman"

    What's the difference between the the Lawrence Welk orchestra and
    a moose?
    
    
    With a moose, the horns are in front and the **shole is in the back.
    

    YOUS GUYS IS KILLIN' ME!

        The barman  is  watching  this  guy - keeps buying a beer and a
        Scotch, drinks half  the  beer,  pours the Scotch into a little
        funnel sticking out of  his  jacket  pocket, drinks the rest of
        the beer and orders another round.
        
        At last, as the bar  empties,  the  barman  can't  take  it any
        longer  -  "Why  do you keep  pouring  your  Scotch  into  that
        funnel?"
        
        The guy says' "I've got this little piano player in my pocket -
        only  a  foot  tall  - and he likes Scotch." Reaches  into  his
        pocket,  and sure enough, a little guy, only a foot tall.    He
        sets  him  on  the  piano  keyboard and the little piano player
        races up  and  down, hitting keys with his feet, hands, elbows,
        knees - makes  perfect  music  -  any  style - classical to the
        Blues!
        
        "Fantastic!" says the barman "where did you get him?"
        
        "Well, I was walking  on  the  beach,  saw  an old green bottle
        washing around in the surf, picked it up, uncorked and out came
        a Genie.  Told me she  had been imrisoned in the bottle for 500
        years and granted me one wish."
        

        
           "Damn 12 inch pianist - how was I to know she was deaf!"
        
        

    What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
    
    
    
    
    
    ...You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline...

Q: Why do banjo players leave their fingerpicks on the dashboards of their
	cars?

A: So they can park in the handicapped spots.



Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to banjo players?

A: It saves time in the long run.



Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a motorcycle?


A: You can tune the motorcycle.



Q: What's the difference between a power lawnmower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato



Q: How can you tell when your lead singer is at the door?

A: S/He's coming in late and can't find the key.



Q: How can you tell when your drummer is at the door?

A: The knocking changes speed.

    Q. What do you call it when two guitarists play in unison?
    A. Counterpoint.

-----
    
    Q. How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. Four: one to change it and three to complain that it's electric.

    Q. What do you call it when two fretless bassist play in unision?
    A. A minor second

    C'mon you guys,lay off the banjo jokes...it's a dirty job but someone's
    got to do it! How would you feel if,having played your heart out on
    your flashiest,chromaticist,fastest tune,smoke starting to come from
    your fingers,and the guy in the crowd thinks it must be easy,after all,
    if "that hillbilly pinhead in Deliverance can do it,surely anybody
    could" (real quote!)
    
    Anyway,a team of scientists were trying to find out if the old theory
    of a dog acting like his master was true tried out a controlled
    experiment.They put three heaps of bones in a room,along with a dog
    belonging to a banker,one owned by an architect,and a guitarist's
    pet mongrel,and monitored the outcome.
    	
    	The bankers dog arranged the bones into smaller heaps by size and
    quality and lay down beside them.
    
    	The architect's dog built a doghouse from his heap of bones.
    
    	The guitarist's dog ate ALL his bones,screwed the other two dogs,
    ate THEIR bones,puked in the corner and said,"OK,when do I get paid?!"
    

    Just picked up a good one from the bassist's newsgroup on Internet:
    
      You're driving a car along, and ahead there are two people
      crossing the road: a guitarist who plays too loud, and a drummer
      who can't keep time.  Who do you hit first?
    
      The guitarist.  Business before pleasure.

       An anthropologist travels to a far-away and exotic island to study 
    the native people.  He arrives, hires a local guide and they plunge into 
    the jungle.  A few days out, the drums start - a constant, low throbbing.
    The anthropologist asks the guide, "What do the drums mean?"  The guide 
    says, "Drums play - very good.  Drums stop - very bad."  The 
    anthropologist tries to get the guide to explain further, but he will not.

       For three days the drums continue.  The guide seems nervous, but when 
    asked all he will offer is, "Drums play - very good.  Drums stop - very 
    bad."  The anthropologist shrugs and goes about his research.

       Suddenly, on the morning of the fourth day, the drums stop.  Silence
    descends upon the jungle.  The guide jumps up and goes running into the 
    jungle, screaming in terror.  The anthropologist races after him, tackles 
    him, yells in his face, "What happens now?!?"  The guide, curled up in a
    fetal crouch, hands pressed to his ears, peers up and whimpers,

    "Bass solo!"

    
    
    
        how many times are people going to enter this same joke???
    
    

    Hey, sorry - I thought I'd read all these replies.
    
    Dave

    RE: .27
    
    		Until the Bass Player gets it...?...
    
    Lowell
    

(This one is better spoken/sung aloud.)

-----

   This piano player gets a job in a bar.  His first night, the bartender
takes him aside and says, "Look, you can play whatever you like.  There's
just one thing: once in a while, this fat guy comes in and wants to sing 
along.  That's Nunzio.  Nunzio owns this bar, in fact he owns the whole block.
So when he wants to sing..."  The piano player says, "I get the picture."

   A few nights later the guy is playing away and this fat guy in a white
suit comes in smoking a cheap cigar.  He walks up to piano and says, "Hey,
you.  Play 'Strangers In The Night' in 5/4."  The piano player says, "Huh?"
Nunzio says, "You deaf?  Play 'Strangers In The Night' in 5/4."  So the piano
player shrugs and starts to play.  And Nunzio starts to sing:
                          

  "Strangers In The f*ckin' Night,
   Exchanging f*ckin' glances... "

    How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
    
    Four.  One to change it and...
    
    Three to say, "I could do that with his equipment!"

ahahahahahahahahahaahahahqahz<aza-WS	QWDF;OUIVCMBKHSEF
(Insert insane laughter here!)
That was cute !
:)

    Coop, if your MRP rig has half as many lights and you indicate, I'll betya
    that's what every guitar player who sees you is thinkin.  ;-)
    
    	db
    
    p.s. I hear that once the winner of the "Win Steve Vai's rig" contest
    	 in Guitar Player mag is picked, they are gonna stage an even
    	 bigger contest:
    
    		"Win Coop's Rack" !!!!!!!!

    
    How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    
    
    
    One. Drummers do all the work anyway! 8-)

None - they have a machine for that too...

I'll just have to wipe my presets then db. :)

jc (who's rig doesn't have THAT many lights...)

    fresh off the ol' Usenet rec.music.makers feed:
    
    
    Q: How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?
    
    A: The knocking keeps speeding up.
    
    **********************************
    
    Q: Why was the lead singer standing outside the door?
    
    A: He couldn't find the key and didn't know when to come in.
    
    **********************************
    
    Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordian?
    
    A: Nobody cries when you cut up an accordian.
    
    **********************************
    
    Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
    
    A: 250,001 - 1 to change it, 50,000 to cheer, and 200,000 to follow the
       burnt-out one around the country.
    
    **********************************
    
    Q: What's the difference between a soul band and a moose?
    
    A: The moose has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
    
    (I've also heard this with 'the Lawrence Welk Orchestra' instead)
    
    *********************************      

    As for the Dead question, you forgot the other 1000 to record the
    event.
    

    okay, here's one that I made up (a bit off the topic):
    
    how many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    all of them. first they hire an engineer to change the bulb, then
    they all stand underneath it to get better visibility.
    
    - Dave

    One I copped from USENET...
    
Q. How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp?
A. Put a sheet of music in front of him.

    

If DEC sold sushi, what would they name it?

       DEC DEAD RAW FISH

Our singer just called and said something that was so funny I had to share it
with you:

	Singer:  "OK, so we're doing that new tune... darn,
  		I always forget the name of that tune.  What's it
		called?"

	db:  "Unforgettable"

    I once was singing in a coffee house, and in the song "The Band Played
    Waltzing Matilda" by Eric Bogle I completely blanked on the second
    verse. Could not remember how it went.

    It starts "It's well I remember that terrible day..."

    What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
    
    Homeless...

    RE: .47
    
    hahahahahahahahahahahaha
    
    I'm dying here!!! :^)
    
    Nick

Wagagagagagaaaaaa...

I love it !!  Boy that really hits home with some folks I know in 
the biz...
:)

    ...and a musician *with* a girlfriend is
    
    
    constantly checking out all the new potential "homes"......
    
    8^)

    >>  What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
    >>    Homeless...
    
    >    ...and a musician *with* a girlfriend is
    >    
    >    constantly checking out all the new potential "homes"......
    
    I suspect my girlfriend has heard this one.  She comes to EVERY gig.
    
    ;-)

    db,
    
    an accomplished musician can check out the potentials in such a
    stealthy manner that no female is the wiser, unless of course you use
    the Coopster method.....8^)
    
    Steve (married, with children)

    And what method is that Steve ??
    :)
    
    I seem to recall some others gawking from RnR's stage a few times (way
    back dude!).  And don't forget that girl at Chiefs !!
    :)
    
    jc (Rollin' !)
    

   >> And what method is that Steve ??
    
    The "Coopster" method, know in other circles as the "quick and dirty",
    is where you approach the girl of yer choice, and say: "I'm in the
    band, will you (blah, blah, etc, etc) me?  It either works or it
    doesn't, there's no grey area.....  8^)
    
   >> I seem to recall some others gawking from RnR's stage a few times (way
        back dude!).  And don't forget that girl at Chiefs !!
        :)
    
    Yeah, but I was single and horny...and that girl at Chiefs was "met"
    using the Coopster method, remember?  You walked up, grabbed her hand,
    led her over to me and sat her down beside me.....not ever having laid
    eyes on her before......it worked, too!  |^)
    
    Steve (some good 'ol daize!)
    

Yeah - that method worked quite well in the south.  The poor girls never knew 
what hit 'em (crazy yankee dood on the prowl!!).  I still say you owe me for 
that babe at Chiefs.     :)

"Excuse me miss I think you need to become affectionate with my Bulldawg"

Wagagagagagagaa...

jc (The good ole days inDEED !)

  >>  "Excuse me miss I think you need to become affectionate with my
       Bulldawg"
       
    That, she did, indeed!   I guess I do owe ya one.....darn, I *hate* it
    when I owe you one.....
    
    dawg (who's wife knows about 'the girl at Chiefs' and seizes the
    opportunity to abuse me about her TOO frequently!)  8^)

Geez man, HOW MANY TIMES did I tell you to keep your yap SHUT about 
that stuff ?   Some Bulldawgs never learn.  :)

SO's NEVER forget about those kinda things.  She probably curses my name
to this day !

jc (Who learned :)

<    And what method is that Steve ??
<    :)

How about Pizza Hut.  "Can I have your underwear?"  Sheesh!
8*)    

Jmystr

    It usually works J...
    
    Wished I coulda had a camera to catch you choking on your
    pizza when I said that !!
    
    

Why ??? Being in the squids doesn't automatically make you
a prowler like me...  You gotta be BORN with it !  It's instinct!
jc

    It ain't that, he just likes the idea of being at sea for months at a
    time with other men.
    
    Greg

    Didn't Martin Mull do a song about that?  All I remember is the line,
    "You'll never have to lift the seat..."
    
    Dave

    Yeah,.. mArtine mUll and his "MEn MEn MEn MEn.. .song"
    
    'twas good fer a lafff
    
    							/Bill
    

    never met a squid that didn't have the "prowler instinct".  Only thing
    worse than being at sea for months on end, is being in jail.
    
    Mike

    
    
       Coop was in the Navy?   That explains alot.
    No wonder you play so well. 
    
       All that time to beat the guitar instead of...
    
                                                  8^)
       Rick.   
    
       
    
    

Thats where I bought my Ovation - from a drunken marine who needed 
some bucks...

jc

	This musician walks into this shop and says to the assistant
    
"I want a Fender Strat please, oh yeah, a 80 Watt amp, a Wah Wah pedal,
a distortion pedal and some plectrums". 
The assistant says "You're a drummer aren't you".
"I'm certainly not"
"come on, I know you are"
"I'm not, I'm bloddy not."
"look, I know you are, so stop pretending"
"OK" he says " But how did you know"
"Well", says the assistant, " We only sell fish and chips"

  RE:  -< 69, dudes! >-
    
    Buck, you animal........
    
    8^)

Q.  How many guitarists does it take to tell that damn light bulb joke??

A.  200:  One to tell the joke, and 199 to tell it a week later, as if we'd
    never heard it before.

jc (Stolen from USENET)

 Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at
    conservatories?
 A: Violists.
 

 Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
 A: When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.
 

 Q: What is the definition of major seventh?
 A: A violist playing octaves.


 Q: How do you make a violist play spiccato?
 A: Write a whole note and put the word "solo" above it.
 

 Q: Four violists drive a mini-van off of a cliff.  What is the tragedy?
 A: You can easily fit eight violists in a mini-van.
 

 Q: What's the range of a viola?
 A: Thirty feet if you kick it hard enough.
 

 And on a somewhat related note:
 Q: What is the true makeup of a string quartet?
 A: A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who
 hates violinists.


 A section violist and a tympanist get into a fight during rehearsal one
 day.  Things start to get hot, and the violist runs back and steps on one
 of the tympani petals.  The tympanist counters by turning one of the tuning
 pegs of the viola.  At that point, the furious maestro yells at them ...
 after they are seated, the violist raises his hand.
 Violist: "Maestro?  Maestro?"
 Conductor: "WHAT?  Can we please rehearse?"
 Violist: "Well, uh, okay, but he turned my peg!"
 Conductor: "So?"
 Violist: "Well, he won't tell me which one!!!"

    Q: What do you call a person with no hands or feet who plays a lot of
       musical instruments?
    
    A: Stump the Band.

(From the Cassette House catalog...)

What's the definition of an optimist?



A trombone player with a beeper.

    What's the definition of an optimist?
    
    
    A Digital employee that irons 5 shirts on Sunday night........

    Ok, it's not musical, but it's a true story.
    
    There was an annular solar eclipse yesterday.  For the last week or so
    we've been bombarded with eclipse-watching advice and warnings from all 
    directions - mostly on TV.
    
    A friend of mine took yesterday off to watch the eclipse here in New
    Hampshire.  He told his wife he was just going to put the dog in the
    car and drive north to someplace he could see the totality.  She said,
    
    "OK, but don't let the dog look at the eclipse!"
    
    Dave

    There was a big crowd outside our building watching it.
    
    I loved walking around to all the folks who were trying to view it
    by shielding their eyes with their hands and saying "Hey, haven't
    you heard that if you do that too much you'll go blind!"
    
    ;-)

    we used the old paper trick to watch it.

    What shape did you fold it into?  A hat?  A swan? 
    
     

>    "OK, but don't let the dog look at the eclipse!"

    Well? Did he?

    we had a nice thin cloud cover that filtered the view just enough to
    block the brightness but show the eclipse nicely.....I watched for a
    good 10 minutes.......the doctor says I might regain some of my
    vision....someday.
    
    |*)

>    Well? Did he?
    
    The poor thing is now tapping his way around the fire hydrants with a
    cane.  But we warned him.  (*)
    
    re: the old paper trick
    
    I know what you mean, Mike.  I picked up the Boston Globe the next day
    and by gosh, there was a picture of the eclipse!  It's really the safest 
    way to look at it.
    
    Dave
    
    (*)  To paraphrase Gallagher, "Now I hope that comment didn't offend
         any 'visually challenged' people out there.  But then, I don't
         suppose any of them read it, either."

    Thought for the day:
    
        "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather,
         not screaming in terror like his passengers."
    
    %^)

   "Hey Mom, I want to be a musician when I grow up!"



   "Now dear, you can't do both."


   -- Sam   

    I pulled this out of the "Bottom Line", the bass player's forum
    on Internet.  For those who are 4-string impaired, it helps to
    know who Victor Wooten is; bassist for Bela Fleck, winner of last
    years BP magazine poll, and all around bass monster/nice guy.
    
    
    What follows is a transcript of an actual conversation between a bass
    player and Santa Claus at a local shopping mall:

    Santa Claus: "Ho-ho-ho!  Who's next?"

    Bass Player: (jumping up and down) "Me! Me! Me!  I'm next!"

    SC: "Aren't you a little old for this?"

    BP: "I'm big for my age.  Besides, these kids don't mind of I cut in
         front.  Do you kiddies...???? HMMMM???"

    Kids: (shrinking back in fear) "no....."

    SC: "Okay, sit down on my lap.  Ummph!! You are one heavy little kid!"

    BP: "That's because I'm a bass player."

    SC: "A bass player? Ho-ho-ho!!!  Well what would you like for
         Christmas?  A new bass?  How about an Alembic?  A Tobias?
         A Modulus?  How about a '62 Fender Jazz in mint condition?"

    BP: (shaking head) "No."

    SC: "Ho-ho-ho!!! How about a new rig?  SWR?  Eden?  Hartke?  Trace?"

    BP: "No thanks.  I already have ALL the equipment I could ever want."

        [Okay, now you KNOW this is a fairy tale!]

    SC: "What then?"

    BP: "I don't want anything for myself.  "Here.." (handing Santa a map
         of the world.)  "Here's the Middle-East.  Can you bring peace to
         that part of the world?"

    SC: "That's a pretty tall order.  Can't you think of something that YOU
         want?"

    BP: "Okay.  Can you make me play like Victor Wooten?"

    SC: (after long pause)...
    

        "Let me see that map again."
     

    How many guitar noters does it take to  change a light bulb?
    
    52
    
    
    1 to change the bulb, and 51 to stand around and say Clapton Sux.
    
    8^).
    
    P.K.

    
    Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombone players car?
    
    A: You remove the Domino's Pizza sign.

    Q: What's the definition of an optimist?
    A: Trombone player with a pager
    
    Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
    A: Nobody cries when you slice up the accordion

    http://members.aol.com/mrfrets/fgs/jokes.htm