Conference 7.286::sports_91

    
    > The latest Linda-ism happened yesterday when the golf scores flashed on
    > the screen and she said, "Steve P�t� is winning."
    
    What's so funny about that?  That's how I'd expect a golfer's name to
    be pronounced...
    
    glenn
    

    re.1
    
    Probably pronounced Pate as Pat-tay, as in liver.
    
    JaKe
    

This isn't exactly a faux pas, and I might have mentioned it before, but
in a `relatively' recent conversation with my wife amd another couple,
she was talking about watching sports and how I would watch ANYTHING if
it looked like it could possibly be construed as a sport. I said that
this wasn't true, and mostly watched just football, and college hoops
with any degree of attention, and occasionally checked out some other
sports, but certainly wasn't a fanatic about baseball or hockey, etc.
This started my friend and I about yakking about hoops, and my wife
blurted out `I don't mind watching football, but I can't STAND to watch
basketball!'

`Why not' I asked... somewhat surprised.

She replied `I just can't stand all that SQUEAKING!!!!'

Until she said that, I had never really even noticed. Now I hear it, and
it IS kind of aggravating.

Mike JN

 For the newer noters' sake, the "Tina Turner" story goes like this ...
    
 I was watching Monday Night Football one night a few years ago and the
 Bears were playing the Niners.  Cindy, my wife and a classic football
 widow, was busy doing some Mommy stuff while seated at our dining room
 table just barely within earshot of the tube.
    
 Gifford says ...
 
 	"Payton to the outside and brought down by Keena Turner."
    
 Whereupon Cindy, to my everlasting mirth, sits straight up, looks over at
 me and says ... 
 
 	"What the hell is *SHE* doing there ???"
 
 Needless to say, I was rollward through at least halftime.
 
 Bob Hunt

Good topic Dan'l!

I was watching a baseball game last year and my girfriend, who was doing
something else and had probably never seen baseball before, suddenly jumped
up, pointed at the screen, and said:

"Hey, what's that cop doing out there??"

She meant the umpire, who looked like a riot cop with that uniform.

rick

    I can remember watching a basketball game on TV and my mother asking
    if it was almost over. I answered that they were nearly finished the
    3rd quarter. She then asked me how many quarters they played in a game.
    AHHHEEMMMM!!!
    
    Ted.
    

    What did you tell her, a dollar's worth?  :*)
    
    lEe

    
    I remember taking a date to the seventh game of the 1981 Eastern Conf
    finals between the Celtics and 76'ers( The series that the Celts came
    back from a 3-1 deficit). we had seats just behind the Celts' bench 
    (around 5 rows up). The air was electric and my date turned to me and
    asked " Now who are we rooting for again and how many innings does the
    game take?"  I thought to myself, "What a waste of a ticket" It wasn't
    tho cuz I married her! She's since been educated on the game of BBall.
    
    
    MikeL 
    

    OK, this is sports related because it has to do with fencing.  Yeah,
    that's the ticket.  MikeL's story reminded me of this:
    
    A female friend from grad school called me up the other day from
    California with another story about how she's having trouble meeting
    "Mr. Right."  She went to see the movie "Cyrano de Bergerac" with this
    guy she'd been seeing for about a week.  Halfway through the flick she
    says he leans over and says, "Isn't this based on that Steve Martin
    movie?"  
    
    Needless to say, she hasn't seen him since.
    
    Any of you out in the Bay Area want to meet a very pretty, intelligent,
    mothering young lady, send me mail.  She's a sweetie, no lie.
    
    	--dan'l

    
    Setting:	January 30 @7:00PM.  I bumpted my 7 year old son from
    		watching Inspector Gadget so's I could tune in ESPN.
    
    LOUIEE and the boys Versus Mikey's Hoyas.
    
    'bout 6 minutes into the game he strolled into the living room and 
    climbed into the chair I was sitting on and comfortably plopped into my
    lap to watch the game with me.
    
    "Dad, whatcha dooin?"
    
    "Watching a basketball game, my favorite team is playing"
    
    "Does this game have Good Guys and Bad Guys?"
    
    "Yup"
    
    "Which team is your favorite?  The ones in red or the ones in white?"
    
    "Greg, the good guys are in red.  Their my favorite team and I'm
    rooting for them."
    
    "Dad"
    
    "What?"
    
    
    "I like the team in white....."
    
    
    
    
    ARRGHHHHH!!!!!!!
    
    
    ps - thankfully Greg was put to bed before the end of the game so he
    didn't have the opportunity to see the Bad Guys (shudder) Win!!!!
    
    
    Kev
    

    
    I'll be the first to put in a faux pas about myself.  When we were
    living in the Bay Area, we lived in a small community (less than 5,000
    people) on the coast.  There was an excellent, small Italian restaurant in
    town that my wife and I often visited.  We were having dinner there
    late on a Monday night last July, and the restaurant was empty except
    for my wife and me.
    
    We were sitting torwards the back of the restaurant, and I had my back
    to the entrance.  Suddenly my wife's eyes got huge and she starts
    kicking me underneath the table.  I turn around to see what she's
    looking at, and being slightly nearsighted, (_barely_ able to pass the
    DMV eye test without glasses) all I notice is two kinda short blond
    people walking into the restaurant.  I looked at my wife quizically,
    as the owner of the restaurant started to seat these people at the table
    next to us.  Finally, my wife blurted out "THAT'S JOE MONTANA!!"
    
    The couple was still out of my sight range, but the male of the couple
    immediately asked to be seated at the other end of the restaurant.  I
    then said that it couldn't be, the guy was too small (he looked about
    5'10" and lean).  My wife said "yes it is."  I then (rather stupidly)
    said "is he sitting with most beautiful blonde you've ever seen?"  My
    wife, a blonde, just gave me "the look," as I stuttered and said "uh,
    second most beautiful," but it was too late.
    
    The waitress later confirmed that it was Joe and Jen (as we now call
    them, since we've had dinner together).  It seems they were building a
    home the next town over, and frequent the restaurant--usually on slow
    nights when there aren't people like my wife and me around.
    
       

>>       <<< Note 116.11 by CST17::FARLEY "Have YOU seen Elvis today??" >>>
>>                -< Musta been that d*mm Mike C. influence ;*( >-

    
>>    Setting:	January 30 @7:00PM.  I bumpted my 7 year old son from
>>    		watching Inspector Gadget so's I could tune in ESPN.
    
    
    Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!!!!!
    
    Heckuva a way to ruin a kids psychy.  If he should turn out to be an
    axe murder in 15-20 years, remember this event.
    
    JaKe
    

    re: .7 
    
    Ted, thats funny because I remember one year in high school a friends
    sister asked us how many more innings(!) was left in the football game
    we were watching.
    
    I also got a kick out of this woman at the Bruins Alumni/Digital
    All-Star game Sunday....6 goals (by different players) were scored
    by the Bruins Alumni and the woman, sitting behind us, said "Wow, thats
    the first time I've seen TWO hat tricks scored in one period."

    JaKe,
    
    Naw, I ain't worried 'bout that.  I got myself back and firmly planted
    in the "My dad's a_OK kinda guy club".
    
    
    
    I promised him a puppy
    
    ;*)
    
    
    
    The promise was fulfilled three weeks ago.....
    
    7 week old shepard/huskie male.  real cute, poops and p's alot
    (although mostly only IN the house)  :*(
    
    
    Kev
    

    
    I don't think you can say "poops and p's" in here.
    
    Try "pet ordnance."
    
    Dickstah
    

The act of housebreaking a pet is simply minimizing collateral damage
from the application of pet ordinance.

			- Gen H. Norman Chainsaw

    I'll join Bruce in admitting to a faux pas myself.  My wife, kids and I
    were in Amory's (across from the Mill) one Saturday night, eating dinner
    a couple of years ago.  In walked Tom Johnson (bow tie and all) with
    his wife.  For those of you who aren't hockey fans, he's a Hall of
    Famer who played for the Canadiens.  He coached the Bruins to the
    Stanley Cup in '72, I believe, and he's now something like vice president 
    of the team.  It was 1988 and the Bruins had just gotten smoked by
    Edmonton in the Cup Finals, but it was still a very successful season.
    
    After fifteen minutes of debate I decided to congratulate him as we
    were leaving the place (which of course pissed off my wife).  Well
    somehow in putting down his knife to shake my hand, he cut himself.
    NOW I felt like a total idiot, but he kept right on yapping away
    calling himself a klutz, etc.  
    
    It's a general rule of thumb that hockey players are much more
    congenial than those that play other major sports.  Otherwise, I
    wouldn't have bothered him during dinner.  
    
    					Steve 

    Here's a good one...
    
    My dad is a rather large gentleman, heavy girth, very distinguished
    facial features, brown hair with touches of gray on the side.
    
    About 15 years ago, we were beaching it at the Jersey shore.  My dad is
    there in his swim suit doing beach things...often referred to as
    walking up and down looking at the womens.  We'd been there most of the
    day and noticed this group of younger guys looking at my dad,
    whispering, shaking their heads, etc.  Didn't really know what was up. 
    My dad was wondering if "something" was showing.
    
    Finally, after about two hours, one of them aproaches my dad and says,
    "Excuse me, sir.  My friends and I were wondering if...um...are you
    George Blanda?"  (My dad does favor old George in the face and in
    size.)  Without any hesitation, my dad looks at the guy and says,
    "Yeah."
    
    The kid shakes his hand and tells him how big a fan he is.  Then he
    runs back to their blanket and they all come over asking for
    autographs.  
    
    So somewhere out there there are four or five guys bragging about the
    time they met George Blanda at Seaside Heights, NJ.
    
    I keep waiting for this story to pop up in the 'I know/met/saw' topic
    in this conference...nah...too big a coincidence.
    
    	--dan'l

    Waitaminute... George Blanda is from the Pittsburgh area... Dan'l, how
    well do you know your Dad? ;-)
    
    glenn
    

    Re Kevin and the puppy.  With that kind of dog, in six months your
    kid'll be able to saddle him up and ride him!!(8^)
    
    Re Dan'l:  I'm crushed.  I go on vacation with my family and me and the
    brothers-in-law get Blanda's autograph and now you go and spill the
    whole truth to me.  Wonder if the Westinghouse Bridge has any jump
    times open tonite?????   many :^)'s
    
    JaKe
    

    >> With that kind of dog, in six months your kid'll be able to saddle
    him up and ride him!!(8^)
    
    JaKe,
    How'd you know the Farley's are short-folk??????
    
    aka - runts
    
    yuk yuk yuk
    
    Kev
    

Another true story...

I had several friends over to watch an NFL playoff game and to tip a few brews.
My then wife (Mrs. Leetch #1) decided that she'd be "one of the boys" and watch
the game with us (I had been trying hard to educate her about football).

Sometime during the game, a linebacker blitzed and flattened the opposing
quarterback. In the ensuing silence, Mrs. Leetch #1 says in all sincerity, "Hey
look, they just bagged the quarterback".

Needless to say, one of the selection criteria for Mrs. Leetch #2 was the
ability to use proper football terminology (like "sack").

Bruce

P.S. Mrs. Leetch #2 rates squeaking basketball shoes up there with fingernails
     on a blackboard.

Some more Vogon Balls courtesy of VNS:
    
    "All of you will see all or part of all three of those games."

				- TV sports commentator Vern Lundquist
				- from Sameer Mithal (Shrewsbury, MA, USA)


    "I didn't have the benefit of hindsight before I made the
    decision."

				- Kenny Dalgleish, football manger
				- from Jack Horsfield (Reading, England)

from VNS Vogonballs;
    
    "If Frank Bruno has got eye problems it's the best kept secret 
    I've ever heard."

				- Micky Duff (Bruno's boxing promoter)

    "This is the first time he has been back to Wimbledon since the
    last time he was here."

				- Harry Carpenter, BBC TV - Wimbledon '91
				-  from Billy Findlay (Ayr, Scotland)


    "Could this be championship point, with Sabatini's serve to follow?"

				-Dan Maskell, BBC 1 Tennis Commentator
				- from Nick Debney (Reading, England)

    "There's no damage to the car apart from the car itself."

				- BBC1 Grand Prix commentator Murray Walker
				- from Peter Brown (Nijmegen The Netherlands)


    *** And here's the next lot of Private Eye's Colemanballs, from Nick ***
    *** Hill, in Rungis, France.					 ***


"Those memories of that final are now just memories."

				- John Virgo, BBC TV

    "Boy, that'll clean the sinuses out of your locker!"

				- American football commentator John Madden
       				   - from John Hainsworth (Maynard, MA, USA)

VNS VOGONBALLS            


    "The Red Sox have another victory in the win column."
				- Jim Boyd, WCVB-TV News, Boston
				- from Paul Tinkham (Chelmsford, MA, USA)

       What ever happened to 'Kiner's Klunkers'? Is that why you were
    trying to find Bob Hunt?
                                   Denny

    Yeah, way to go, Denny.  What ever did happen to Kiners Klunker's?
    
    C'mon, Bob, tell yer Dad to send mail!
    
    lEe

 Believe me, I didn't stop the annual "Kiner's Korner" note because it
 slipped my mind.   This would have been my fifth year of maintaining
 such a note in SPORTS.
 
 My dad still sends me the Philly Inquirer articles that I used to
 keep the note going in the past.  I just simply haven't had the time
 to enter them.   Priorities, priorities, priorities, ...
 
 Nice to know you guys missed the notes.   I still have all of this
 year's Jayson Stark articles.  Maybe I'll do a "greatest hits" note
 as the baseball season winds down.
 
 Thanks for remembering ...
 
 Bob Hunt

    "No athlete likes wind unless it's from behind."

				- David Coleman, BBC1
				- from Steve Frazer (Basingstoke, England)

    "Arguably, Carl Lewis is without question the best long-jumper ever."

				- Unidentified sports commentator on NPR
				- from Ravi Viswanath (Nashua, NH, USA)

Gil McGregor, local Hornets TV person, talking about JR Reid and his
importance to the team:

	"JR certainly is a main CLOG for the Hornets."

TTom

Sports related Vogonballs courtesy of VNS
    
    "And Michael Schumacher finishes the first race that he has gone
    the full distance in."

				- Murray Walker on the Italian Grand Prix
				- from Gary Sims (Reading, England).

    "Every five or 10 years the Fight of the Century comes along.  In
    my 12 years of promoting, I've been involved in three.  But this
    fight needs no promoting."

				- Dan Duva, promoting Tyson-Holyfield match
				- from Jon Reeves (Nashua, NH, USA)
    
    "Mike Tyson has had his trial fixed for January 27 1992."

				- VNS UK SPORTS REPORT, 12 Sep 91
				- from Peter Donahue (Nashua, NH, USA)

    ***   Here is the latest biweekly collection of Colemanballs from   ***
    ***   Private Eye, courtesy of Nick Hill, Paris, France.		***


"So I don't think there'll be much Wimbledon going on today --
    certainly not here up North where it's bucketing down."

				 - Chris Bell, Magic 828 Radio

    "Even when he has to move back, he moves back so that he's moving 
    forward."

				- Mark Cox, BBC

    "...it's like a door slamming, and indeed it is a door because 
    when that door slams it's curtains."

				- Unnamed commentator, BBC1 TV

    "And there's Ken Rosewall sitting in the crowd...what a champion 
    he was...four times runner-up here at Wimbledon."

				- Bill Threlfall, BBC1 TV

"Malcolm Marshall scored a handful of runs at Headingley...nought 
    and one."

				- Jack Bannister, BBC1 TV

VNS VOGONBALLS                                 Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor
					       Nashua, NH, USA  


    "Ground ball to Kelly at third.  It'll be a long throw... and it's
    a short  throw."

				- John Gordon, Minnesota Twins announcer
				- from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)


    ***  Two from Tony Boyle (Melbourne, Australia):

    "Cuthbertson has already kicked no goals, and that's not one 
    either".

				- Rex Hunt, Radio 3AW, Melbourne

    "I watched Stynes thinking as he got the ball to Viney and kicked 
    a goal".

				- Stan Alves, Radio 3LO, Melbourne

         *** Send VOGONballs to VORTEX::CALIPH::BINDER, not to VNS ***

VNS VOGONBALLS                                 Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor
						Nashua, NH, USA


    "I always play better when I'm playing."

				- Scottish golfer, on BBC Radio 5
				- from David Cohen (Basingstoke, England)

    "Dean Saunders has been given a free transfer in his time but that
    performance tonight shows why he is worth that sort of money."

				- Des Lynham after a Liverpool match
				- from Simon Cole (Reading, England)

    "I don't plan on making any offensive personnel changes."

				- Miami Dolphins Coach Don Shula
				- from Ruth Buchanan (Deerfield Beach, FL, USA)

VNS VOGONBALLS                                Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor
						 Nashua, NH, USA

    "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!"
				- CBS baseball announcer
				- from Wes Ono (Seattle, WA, USA)

    ***  Here we have three issues of Private Eye's Colemanballs,  ***
    ***  thanks - as always - to the nimble fingers of Nick Hill.  ***

    "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?"

				- Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

    "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of 
    them gold."

				- Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

    "That race was all about competition."
    
				- David Coleman, ITV

    "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."

				- Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV

    "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."


                                 - James Hunt, BBC2 TV


    "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

				- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3

   "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging
   around like this."

				- David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

   "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row  of
   beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes."

				- Ian St John, ITV

   "Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of 
   the game."

				- Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

VNS VOGONBALLS                                 Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor
						Nashua, NH, USA 

    "The atmosphere here at Lansdowne is the best that I've ever seen
    or witnessed.  It's nearly as good as the atmosphere that we had
    here for the soccer matches".

				- Irish rugby commentator
				- from Martin Cunniffe (Galway, Ireland)

    "Nine times out of ten the official scorer will ALWAYS call that a
    hit."

				- Minnesota Twins announcer John Gordon
				- from Mark Wiersbeck (Minneapolis, MN, USA)

    Hey, what's this???? ::Sports dropout "Spud" does Vogonballs
    but doesn't have time to play with us loonies???????
    
    MorT, slap him on his haid & tell him to get back in here!!!!
    
    Kev
    
    

VNS VOGONBALLS                                 Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor
						Nashua, NH, USA

    "Just look at the silence of the crowd."

				- Submitter's father watching rugby
				- from Kevin Flood (Galway, Ireland)

VNS VOGONBALLS:                                 +Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor+
---------------                                 +Nashua, NH, USA               +


    "We expect the level of play to jump up a notch by a considerable
    margin." 

                                - ABC sportscaster, on the WFL
                                - from Mike Phipps (Hudson, MA, USA)

    ***   And here are the most recent Colemanballs from Private Eye,   ***
    ***   thanks to Nick Hill (Paris France)                            ***

    "There's the Mersey crowd biting their teeth."

                                - Darts Commentator, BBC2 TV

    "Can Wattana top his record break of one hundred and forty seven?"

                                - Nick Owen, LWT, at a snooker match
                                  [ 147 is the maximum break possible. ]


    "The US pair have completed their programme and here are their marks.  
    They are the first pair to compete and they are now in first place."

                                - Brad Nessler, CBS

    I was chanel surfing yesterday afternoon and stopped for a few minutes
    on the WLAF game (NY/NJ vs Orlando), long enough to hear this plum from
    Dick Vermeel (sp?):
    
    "That's not the way that play was diaphragmed."
    

    re: .43
    
    it would figure that dan'l would pick up on that line.
    
    The Crazy Met
    

More Vogonballs from VNS:


    "He's taken it in the shadow of the Great Southern Stand - although
    there are none today because the sun isn't out."

                                - Clark Hansen, Radio 3LO
                                - from Tony Boyle (Melbourne, Australia)


    *** And here is the first of the several collections of Colemanballs ***
    *** from Private Eye that are in my backlog, thanks - as always - to ***
    *** Nick Hill (paris, France)                                        ***

    "Your subject is the football World Cup.  It's not just football and 
    it's not just the World Cup.  It's the football World Cup."

                                - Henry Kelly, BBC1 TV

    "There is no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best.  He is another Ryan 
    Giggs."

                                - Denis Law, BBC RADIO 4

    "...and Tranmere Rovers are playing with a 5-man back four."
    
                                - Commentator, Radio Merseyside

    "He hangs his head - looks at the sky..."

                                - Nigel Starmer-Smith, BBC2 TV

    Jimmy Hill:      "But you said it should have been a goal."
    Terry Venables:  "No I didn't.  I said it should have been a goal."
    Jimmy Hill:      "So you've changed you tune then."

                                - BBC1 TV

>More Vogonballs from VNS:
>
>
>    "He's taken it in the shadow of the Great Southern Stand - although
>    there are none today because the sun isn't out."
>
>                                - Clark Hansen, Radio 3LO
>                                - from Tony Boyle (Melbourne, Australia)


Must be where they keep the gaspipe down in Melbourne.


>    "...and Tranmere Rovers are playing with a 5-man back four."
>    
>                                - Commentator, Radio Merseyside

Aldo!  Aldo!  Aldo!  Aldo!



>    "He hangs his head - looks at the sky..."
>
>                                - Nigel Starmer-Smith, BBC2 TV

Ol' Nigel is ALWAYS good for a few of these...