Conference govt02::basingstoke

790.0. "suicide /rightsizing" by UBOHUB::HOPE_T () Fri Aug 12 1994 12:45

    
                                NOTICE TO ALL ASSOCIATES
    
       As our company has had to make drastic cuts in spending
       (redundancies, loss of bonus etc;) volunteers are now requested 
       to commit suicide.  This will substantially reduce our salary bill.
    
       Employees wishing to take part in this scheme are asked to assemble
       on the roof top of the offices.  These arrangements will commence on
       alternative days commencing Friday 12th August 1994.
    
       Participants will be given marks on the difficulty of their dive and
       the highest scorer will receive enhanced 'Death in Service' benefits.
    
       This action in view of its voluntary nature will not effect your
       pension rights.
    
       Participants are asked to avoid landing on company cars or other
       employees (especially managers) as this will cost more money than is 
       saved and may also cause death or injury to non-participants.
    
       Non-participants are asked to take extreme care on days of action
       and to give every assistance to Secureity Staff employed to clear 
       remains. 
       
       Bodies will be thrown into skips at the back of the works so care must
       be taken not to place any combustible material into these skips on
       the days leading up to the commencement of the days of action.  All non-
       participants observing the action are asked to make some sort of 
       movement to avoid being inadvertently thrown into the skips.
    
       Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until
       they reach the top floor, after which it will be impossible for the
       attending Health & Safety Officers to get into a catching position.
       
       The company hopes to attain a 50% reduction in staff through this
       scheme and should the scheme become over subscribed, a waiting list 
       will be introduced.
    
       Practice sessions will take place on the day before.  Suitable
       apparatus will be provided, ie; kerbs, this will ensure a 100% success
       rate on the day.
    
       Will all participants please take with them a large plastic bag. 
       This will greatly assist the Security Staff and cleaners if participants
       are inside the bag as they jump.
    
       Could you also ensure that these practice jumps are shown in SAMS
       stating date, time, venue, etc.  In doing this you will help considerably
       towards giving the Wages Department the opportunity of working.
       Please note: NO Overtime will be given to any participants jumping
       outside their normal working hours.
    
       Regards
    
       The Managment
    
              
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

    > Will all participants please take with them a large plastic bag.
    > This will greatly assist the Security Staff and cleaners if
    > participants are inside the bag as they jump.
    
    Please ensure the opening of the bag is pointing upwards. If it's
    pointing downwards the bag becomes a parachute and you defeat the
    object of the exercise. You will also be deemed to be cheating and 
    as a punishment you'll be kept on as an employee.