Conference 7.286::digital

           <<< ROCKS::DISK$APPL01:[NOTES$LIBRARY]UK_DIGITAL.NOTE;1 >>>
         -< Matters pertaining to DIGITAL and its employees in the UK >-
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Note 892.0               If Digital ran a Restaurant...                4 replies
BRUMMY::LOWEY "Cut Red Wire. First Removing Detonator"  38 lines  22-MAR-1994 16:29
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This was doing the rounds last year.
-Nige. L

Imagine if Digital ran a restaurant...

-   The management would never advertise the place, and gradually sack
    the waiters for not bringing in enough customers.

-   We'd spend a small fortune printing thousands of handbills promoting
    the restaurant, leave them on a shelf for a year, then bin them.

-   When people did come in, they'd be told we now sell our meals 
    pre-packed via the local supermarkets, and we'd really prefer them
    to go there instead.

-   When the customers decided they wanted a vegetarian meal, we'd try
    to persuade them that they should have beef instead.

-   If a waiter took an order, all the others would claim that they'd 
    helped him.

-   Meals would often be delayed because the kitchen staff would refuse
    to prepare any dish until the waiter supplied a customer-specific
    code number for their individual time-sheets.

-   We wouldn't be able to serve all the dishes on the same day.

-   When the bill arrived, every pea would be listed and priced as a 
    separate line item.

-   And each year we'd try to make the place run more efficiently by 
    reorganising the staff; the waiters would be moved to the kitchen,
    the chef would become a washer-up, and all of the other kitchen
    staff would become managers...


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Note 892.1               If Digital ran a Restaurant...                   1 of 4
BRUMMY::MARTIN::BELL "Martin Bell, NETCC, Birmingham UK"  75 lines  22-MAR-1994 16:35
                         -< ... under new managment! >-
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	 The restaurant has been extensively re-furbished for 1994:

	 o The restaurant is now totally sales driven, with a keen and 
           fully trained salesforce bringing people in through the 
           door, whether they are hungry or not - the "Go to Market" 
           model.

	 o Chips are no longer on the menu.

	 o There is now an effort to ensure that your waiter actually 
           works in the restaurant where you eating. In the past you 
           often had a 3 hour wait between courses while your waiter 
           drove the length of the country to take your order.

	 o The menu selection has been reduced considerably, for 
           example it is no longer possible to get spring water in 130 
           different languages.

	 o Chips are now back on the menu.

	 o Duplication has been reduced, for example previously 
           potatoes were peeled 8 times, which meant extra effort and 
           a lot of wastage (large "baking potatoes" were reduced to 
           less than the size of a quail's egg!)

	 o Each branch of the restaurant is totally in control of it's 
           own profit and loss, and can run it's business how it 
           likes.

	 o A new "European" level of management have been created, and 
           will tell each branch how to do it's business.

	 o Chips have been renamed "pomme frites", to provide a more 
           international flavour.

	 o Customers can now order food via a freephone number, and 
           pay by credit card. This is through our GRUBdirect service, 
           and it is estimated that this will save a huge amount of 
           money in "premises".

	 o Now that we don't need premises, waiters are working from 
           home.

	 o It has been found that customers were complaining that 
           there were no waiters, so they have been re-introduced to 
           the premises, but in order to recover the costs, the 
           waiters are being charged for the time that they spend in 
           the restaurant.

	 o Pomme frites have been renamed "French Fries", as it was 
           confusing our American customers. Some of our Australian 
           customers thought that it meant "Fried Brit"!

	 o A new business, MWS (Multi-vendor Waiter Services), has 
           been introduced, whereby other restaurants can benefit from 
           our skills in "waiting".

	 o We now only serve food to large parties who have a "food 
           spend" of at least �5M.

	 o Individuals and small groups have to get their food through 
           our other channels. A network of street traders has been 
           set up for this very purpose.

	 o It has been decided that "washing up" will be contracted 
           out to a third party, as we are in the food delivery and 
           not the utensil cleaning business.

	 o We don't need to advertise, as the quality of our food will 
           attract custom. Indeed as part of our "demand creation 
           process" we have even started boarding up our restaurants 
           to make them harder to find.

	 o We don't sell chips!

    o In order to recover costs,the waiters are charging the customers for
    the right to be served.
    
    o Each branch of the restaurant is a seperate business unit and within
    the business unit,each function has revenue and cost recovery goals but
    NO goals related to anything else.This is why some restaurants have
    branched out into fitting car tyres ONLY and not serving food and why
    some services like drinks,are available in some restaurants but not in
    others.Restaurants where cutlery is not available have explained that
    they have outsourced the service to partners-usually within close
    walking distance but not always
    
    o Some restaurants have outsourced everything.The waiters take orders
    then drive down to Macdonalds to collect the food.Some restaurants
    merely rent the 'meeting rooms' or 'dining rooms' to other companies so
    they can serve their food to their clients.Waiters are provided to act
    as observers.
    
    o Some restaurants are having delivery problems due to
    subcontractors.There is therefore no guarantee that what you receive is
    what you ordered or that all courses will be served in logical
    sequence.
    
    o Some restuarants offer an 'integration service'.The waiter will serve
    everything on the same plate if you pay extra.
    
    o No advance bookings can be taken more than three weeks ahead for a
    table and no booking more than 1 day ahead for a particular type of
    food(except chips).
    
    o The variety is heightened by making sure that there is never the same
    waiter.Each course has a seperate waiter(unless the client complains,in
    which case there will be three different waiters per course)
    
    o Meals are free once a year.This is head office policy prior to
    checking out customer satisfaction.
    

    *  DO offer the chips, but do NOT say they're "deep-fried in snake oil."
                       

    The menu selection, and food ingredients, have been reduced to a
    reasonable number by elimination of the low volume items -- this
    includes all seasonings, ketchups, mustards, sauces, salad dressings,
    and side orders.
    
    The restaurants still pride themselves on their range of 'haut cuisine'
    dishes, namely French fries, burgers (not available with salad, onions
    or other embellishments), apple pie (not available with cream) and tea
    (not available with milk, cream, sugar and lemon).
    
    To ensure the customers - to be reffered to as guests - are delighted,
    a number of VPs have been appointed.  There is a different VP
    responsible for each of the following:
    	Taking reservations,
    	greeting guests,
    	showing guests to a table,
    	taking orders,
    	obtaining ingredients,
    	French fries,
    	burgers,
    	apple pie,
    	tea,
    	laying the tables,
    	taking the order,
    	preparing the order,
    	delivering the order,
    	billing,
    	saying farewell to the guests,
    	menu development,
    	staff training,
    	anything else....

And now I understand, why meals from these restaurants have not been so
great recently. With all this new menu planning, there has not been time
to learn to do the dishes in menus any more.

--Ritva

    
    
    
    And the prices are somewhat high, but everyone that comes through the
    door is assured of getting a discount or an allowance of some sort.

    The restaurant chain bought the local Macdonalds and the local Burger
    King.Marketing noticed that the burger sector was booming and started a
    price war....
    
    
    

    
    
    all meals are free to university students, special interest groups, and
    anyone with lots of money who complains loud enough.
    
    Now the restaurant is always crowed with college kids, while there's a
    lineup of real people with real money waiting in line outside who can't
    get served. 

    Today's Burgundy Plate Special:
    
            A whopping 72-ounce, A-grade steak broiled to perfection.
            Served with a small french fry.*  -- $25.00
    
    * In order to truly savor the steak, we recommend that it be served
    with a minimum of 128 large french fries, available for an additional $25.

    To promote corporate identity, the name of each restaurant will be
    changed to RESTAURANT (TM).  This way, we can develop an appropriate
    identity in the marketplace.
    
    Efforts are underway to assure that no other food-serving-establishment
    will violate our RESTAURANT (TM) trademark.

    
    	In an effort to increase our market presence, we will soon
    	be selling our hamgburgers in McDonald's and Burger King.
    
    	You'll be able to easily distinguish our burgers from the 
    	others since ours will come in plain non descript wrappers,
    	with large grease spot (buns are sold separately). On the
    	menu there will be a reference table; in that way customers
    	will know to order our hamburger they must request an "HMBQT-RR",
    	while the other brands are ordered by requesting a "hamburger"
    
    
    /Bob
    

    The RESTAURANT (TM) then decides that it doesn't have the right mix of
    Management material, so it starts to employ Managers from its main
    rival `Inedible Burnt Meals'.

    `Inedible Burnt Meals' don't complain because they know the people
    they're loosing can't even cook.
    
    
     

    
    
    I thought they hired managers from Burger Chef....

    o In an effort to gain better name recognition, all the letters in the
      restaurant name were changed to have rounder, softer edges. This is
      expected to pay off big in the long run, although 25% of the waiters
      had to be fired to pay for the new advertising campaign.
    
    o To show that the restaurant values diversity among its staff above
      all else, each waiter comes from a different country and ethnic
      background. Unfortunately, they are unable to communicate with each
      other or any of the customers.
    
    o All tips must be placed in a special box, to be divided amongst the
      restaurant management staff to help pay for their limos and Carribean
      vacations.
    
    o Waiters are expected to work 10-12 hours a day BECAUSE THEY'RE DAMN
      LUCKY TO HAVE A JOB!
    
    o The employee 20% discount on the restaurant food has been eliminated.
    
    o Order sheets and pencils are now under strict allocation, requiring
      management signoff.
    
    o New staff is expected to learn any necessary skills on the job. There
      will be no restaurant-sponsored training!
    
    o Although it was the chef's special sauces that really sold the
      dishes, these will be discontinued in favor whatever cheap stuff we
      can find at the supermarket.
    
    o Management declares to the staff that we have the best food, the best
      staff, our most critical asset, and that we'll be profitable soon!
      However, due to unforeseen circumstances, 20% of the staff must be
      let go.
    
    o As other restaurants go bankrupt, we quickly hire their management
      staff to complement our own.
    
    o There are rumors of an early retirement package for the staff. A
      25-year-old waiter calculates that it'll be worth $2B for him to
      take the package.
    
    o Management decides to get rid of most of the old dishes on the menu
      in favor of some new, exciting dishes. However, instead of ordering
      the new dishes, the few remaining customers keep asking about the old
      dishes.

    
    
    Restaurant owner decides to have a consulting firm look to see if
    managements salaries are too low.  They are and management gets a raise
    and thinks that morale is getting better.
    
    
    

The restaurant group has employed the following staff

		50 Marketing Specialists
	       200 Managers
		 
who spend their day discussing major strategy and avoid any critical decisions.


		 2 Cooks
		12 Servers
		

They keep being told to change the menu and serve differently depending on 
the manager or marketing specialist. With so many changes the customer never
sees any burgers.

El Gringo (Long live choas)

In order to meet customer demand, maitres'd will serve any dish immediately
upon request by the customer, regardless of completeness of cooking. In
anticipation of a greater incidence of food poisoning, a large emergency 
compensation fund is established, and complete medical teams are stationed 
near the restrooms. To ensure accountability, waiters will be held 
responsible for any resultant customer discomfort.

Cut costs, make all staff buy their own uniforms, no lunch vouchers, no
extras, get rid of 1 of the cooks and 6 servers, save money but don't change
anything else, after all the cook is unimportant in a restaurant, he only
cooks the food and the servers only serve the food, make the customers come
and prepare their own food and give them a discount.

El Gringo

Get rid of the 6 remaining servers, get the customers to serve their own food,
keep the last cook, you never know, business may pick up and you may need the
cook, after all it is a restaurant.

El Gringo

    I got this a while back and thought it fit in with the current
    discussion.



                     THE NEW DEC WAY
 
    by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee
  
    This is the story of a different  kind.  No  melting  CPU's,  no
    screaming  disc  drives,  just the kind of psychological torture
    that scars a man for life.
  
    I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales  rep.  I  needed  to  buy  an
    entire  new  series  70,  the  works. He said it'd take about an
    hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the  datacomm  hardware
    down on paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.
 
    This was my first experience in the NU_DEC cafeteria. Above  the
    service counter was a menu which began...
 
MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A    Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
         Must order comdiments 00110A seperatly
 
   001   Deletes seeds.
   002   Expands burger to two patties.
 
00020A   Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
         condiments.
 
   001   Add-on bacon.
   002   Delete second patty.
   003   Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
 
00021A   Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
 
   001   From Single Burger.
   002   From Double Burger.
   003   Return credit for bun.
 
00220A   Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
 
   001   Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
 
 
    My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root  beer.  The
    waitress looked at me like I was an alien.
 
    "How would you like to order that, sir ?"

    "Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink ?"

    "No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like ?"

    I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger ?"

    "The patty is rated at eight bites."

    "Well, how about the rest of it ?"

    "I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

    "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
         
    My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option
    002  'expands  burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade
    would give you two burgers.
 
    "But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
    chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."
 
    I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
    couple  in  line  behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who
    nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red  '62
    Vette.  He  was  talking  to  some woman who was waving her arms
    around and looking very excited.
 
    "What  if...  we  marketed  the  bacon  cheeseburger  with   the
    vegetable  option  and without the burger and cheese ? It'd be a
    BLT!"
 
    The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
    steeplechases  over  tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get
    my attention again. "Have you decided, sir ?"
 
    "Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean  the  00020A
    with  the  option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down
    for the Condiment  Expansion  Kit,  which  included  mayonnaise,
    mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.
 
    "Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

    "Thats not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato  Product."  My  sales
    rep butted in again. "Thats not a supported configuration."

    "What now ?" I kept my voice steady.

    "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

    "Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on
    it."
 
    The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir,  but
    thats  not  supported either, the bun can take it but the burger
    won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just  not
    at first release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
 
    I checked the overhead screen.  Fries,  number  000210A,  option
    110.  French followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are
    English Fries ?" I turned to the sales  rep.  "Chips  they  call
    them. We sell a lot of them."
 
    I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger  Bundle."
    The confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option
    is configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes."  My  sales  rep
    chuckles.  "No  ma'am,  he  just wants a standard 00220A off the
    shelf. I wondered how long it had been on the  shelf.  I  didn't
    ask.
 
    "Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief.  "Your
    meal  is  now  on  order. Now how would you like it supported ?"
    "Support ?" She directed me to the  green  shaded  area  at  the
    bottom  of the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that
    I'll never forget.
 
    "Implementation assistance ?"
 
    "You get a waiter."
 
    "Implementation analysis ?"
 
    You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."
 
    "Response Center Support ?"
 
    "He brings it to your table."
 
    "Extended materials ?"
 
    "You get refills."
 
    I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her  to  take  it.
    She  gave  me  my  check  on  three sheets of green-bar paper. I
    studied it on my way to the table, and decided it'd pass  as  an
    emergency napkin.
 
    Table ? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table.
    He  hadn't  been  bright enough to check on a delivery date. The
    table waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded  room,
    looked at me and said "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone
    chair by the window right away."
 
    I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me  with  two  small
    cups  of  chile and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had
    ordered. The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded...
 
    I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It  was
    five  AM,  four  hours  till  my  meeting  with Joe. I had had a
    vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my office,  and  I
    called in sick.

    
    The cooks become flustrated with waiters, dishwashers, management, etc 
    and begin selling french fries out the back door - and make lots of
    money. Restaurant customers leave for McDonalds after waiting
    indefinitely for burger & fries. Burger sales plunge.
    
    McDonalds, Burger King, even Wendy's refuse to acknowledge this
    restaurant exists. 
    
    Management, flustrated, decides to re-engineer the restaurant and forms
    a Customer-Value-Chain made-up of poets, historians, and others who
    can neither cook, wait tables, or wash dishes. Their task is to
    redefine cooking, waiting tables, and washing dishes. The subsequent 
    blizzard of edicts, position papers, and mainfestos so confuses and/or 
    occupies the cooks, waiters, and disk washers that nearly all work
    stops.  The committee takes this as evidence they are right, and
    redouble their efforts.
    
    More customers leave for McDonalds.
    
    The better cooks and waiters leave.
    
    
    
      
    

A profitable business has developed in burger-wrappers, and in nifty boxes in
which to put the wrapped burgers.

Genuine RESTAURANT (TM) burgers are sold in green paper wrappers.  Burgers from
our burger-making partners may be sold in our gray-colored wrappers, while
we'll sell white burger-wrappers to anyone who wants to put their burgers
inside.

A new dish is introduced which is very popular. Many customers order this dish.
Management fires half the chefs making the dish.
 
Customers now have to wait two months to get their meal.

    The restaurant banks its future on its APPLE Chips, the best and
    fastest French Fries ever made.   Unfortunately, the restaurant is very
    slow to come out with dishes to serve APPLE chips with. Sales lag.
    
    Meanwhile, new lower-meat burgers with the label LENTIL INSIDE are
    advertised on TV every hour and sold at every Burger King, McDonalds,
    etc. on every block, and by mail order house's like DELLmino's Pizza.
    
    The restaurant's employees continue to work long hours, but only because
    if they leave work they are deluged by ads for LENTIL burgers and 
    POWERPizzas.  RESTAURANT(TM) seems only to be in the news when there 
    is bad news to report. 

    
    Then the RESTAURANT(TM) puts out a memo to employees saying it isn't as
    bad as it looks, no as a matter of fact it's lookin pretty darn good.

    Next, since profits look so good, the management issues 
    'special' stock - it is prefered, but by whom? 
    
    Some at the top have their own parking spaces, their own 
    alternative transportaion, their own 'menu' and now
    their own stock! Soon they'll have their own 'company'
    and they name it NOT_RESTAURANT(tm)
    
    /Bob

    Memo from the Management:
    
    "Although this has been a challenging year, and the next will probably
    be also, and I cannot say the worst is over, I can say I'm very proud
    of our results here at RESTAURANT.  If you squinch your eyes, look at 
    just certain figures, and ignore everything else, you'll see that
    statistically speaking, the bleeding has slowed by a fraction of a
    percentage."
    
    "Remember, it took THEM a long time to get this restaurant to where it
    was when WE got it and it's going to take us some time to finish doing
    whatever we're doing to it.  Trust us."

    
    
    Did anyone mention that the place used to be affectionately known as
    rest aura by both employees and customers?  Memo from management comes
    out and says that the name is RESTAURANT (TM) and rest aura will no
    longer be used. 

    The menu has been redesigned and now reflects the total calories,
    percentage of fat, sodium, trace chemicals and uses the generic
    reference to the food item, so as not to confuse folks or give them the
    impression of good taste or desireability, etc.  In addition there is a
    twelve page preface to the menu, extolling the virtues of balanced
    nutrition, with several tables on the FDA's daily recommended intake of
    nutrients.  These of course are cross referenced with the 42 pages of
    required exercise and fat burning rates etc.  There is complete
    disclosure of the use of all synthetic items, food dyes, msg, etc. as a
    heading to the individul item on the menu.  All foods having possibly
    caused cancer in any quantity when fed to any laboratory  animals is
    clearly indicated.
    
    Have you noticed that people eat less now? 

in order to have more name recognition and higher visibility RESTAURANT(TM) 
changes it's logo to RestAurant.

    ...all meals will be served as an empty plate.

    The customer can 'Just Imagine' food...

    And then we'll tell the world that our food recipes are not proprietary
    by renaming us to OpenRESTAURANT(tm)..   That should bring customers
    in by the droves, right?
    
    -Andy

    re .30
    It used to be known affectionately as Rest Aura by all employees and
    all faithful customers until some bright spark in marketing from head
    office decided to throw out all reason and dedicate the company
    strategy to being a reseller or other peoples hamburgers-particulary
    the so-called New Technology hamburger from Macdonaldsoft.This NT
    hamburger looked like it had things going for it-people didn't realise
    that you needed to be a 400 kilo giant to be able to manage to eat
    one-they only found out after having ordered one.
    So,the management changed to REST AURA NT and over time it became
    RESTAURANT-which bears an uncanny resemblance to the word 'restaurant'
    which is a place where people eat.
    This latter fact was not lost on the boys from marketing....
                                                                   

    In the food Science labs at RESTAURANT(TM) they're preparing to
    demonstrate a new burger to a prospective client.

    Trouble is, they don't have the required bun to put the burger in.

    Frantic memos fly round the other restaurants requesting use of a bun
    for a few days.

    (How they developed the burger without the use of a bun is anyone's
    guess; and how did it come as such a shock to them that a bun was 
    required ??)

    

  And of course:

     Sushi is on the menu as 'raw dead fish'
    

    In an effort to maintain technical leadership, RESTAURANT(tm) begins
    replacing its aging FLOSS recipes with state of the art OOPS!++ recipes
    (though there is some feeling that these are just obtuse versions of
    popular SOOP recipes, and nasty rumors circulate that the name was coined by
    the head chef after the other chefs attempted to cook food by these new
    recipes). There is also some confusion when diners discover they must
    proceed first to designated virtual tables to find out where to go to pick
    up their orders.

    RESTAURANT management then decides that RESTAURANT is only in the food
    preparation business, not the recipe business, and announces that it will
    serve only "good, BASIC home-cookin'". Most of the chefs leave to sell food
    out of handcarts on street corners.

    Congratulations to the original author(s).  I could not stop myself
    from laughing.  My morale got a boost today.

    	Rich

    It's been a very long day so.........
    
    From the NewsWire:
    
    At a world wide product announcement today OpenRESTAURANT(tm) brought
    new meaning to the phrase "Fast Food". Before a specially invited
    audience of 300 Chief Food Officers, OpenRESTAURANT(tm) introduced four 
    hundred and seventy five new menu items in forty seven different culinary 
    and ethnic categories. A spokesperson said that this milestone event 
    demonstrated OpenRESTAURANT(tm)'s commitment to valuing differences 
    even if she had trouble distinguishing between four hundred and seventy 
    four of those items.

    The fastest of fast food took the spot light. Using state of the art
    sub micron technology and the Accelerated eXpulsion Process
    OpenRESTAURANT(tm) has perfected the BobsBurger AXP(tm). The prototype
    BobsBurger AXP(tm) on display could be eaten, digested and passed from
    the human system in 79 nanoseconds. Burger consumption rates of 200
    MBurps are deemed theoretically possibly. Entered in the Guinness Book 
    of Records as the world's fastest food, BobsBurger AXP(tm) will 
    dramatically reduce the time spent by mankind on the mundane tasks of 
    eating. 

    A Senior Corporate Consulting Chef, chief architect of the BobsBurger
    AXP(tm), claimed that the potential catastrophic impact on a consumer
    of the enhanced laxative effect of the new burger was an implementation
    detail for which he was not responsible. Furthermore, in value
    consciously re-engineering its supply chain, OpenRESTAURANT(tm) has
    closed both its dining room and rest rooms, since customers no longer
    have any reason to spend significant time in the restaurant at all. 
    
    As an introductory promotional offer, customers of OpenRESTAURANT(tm)
    are invited to send four wrappers from BobsBurger AXP(tm) along with
    $4.95 for postage and handling to 146, Main Street, Maynard
    Massachusetts, and receive by return of post a genuine
    OpenRESTAURANT(tm) Junior Vice President's Kit complete with a
    cardboard cut-out limousine in the colour of your choice!
    

Due to logistic problems (closing of the only food plant) a
'Virtual Meal Service', VMS (TM), has been introduced.
- Now the customer has the chance to see what he would have got...

    
    
    If Digital ran a restaurant.....we'd have the Health Inspectors in.

    
    o Customers have to eat quickly this year since next year the
    RESTAURANT(TM) company introduces a change requiring each part of the
    meal to be paid for seperately.Initially,the meals will be served with
    a seperate bill for each course.This 'booking' process is destined to
    be taken to its logical extreme,so in 1995,each ingredient of each meal
    will have a seperate order and seperate bill and be served by a
    seperate waiter.To make it easier for customers,they will still be
    allowed to order,say a 'hamburger(TM)' and the splitting into seperate
    ingredients and the billing process will be done by head office before
    the customer is served.
    In order that clients understand the advantages of this new service,all
    waiters are required to attend a mandatory training course which will
    result in RESTAURANT(TM) being closed for a couple of months.
    Head office explains that customer satisfaction is key.
    
    o Only small or medium sized customers will be served.There will be an
    entrance for these customers called SME(Small and Medium Entrance) with
    a scale to weigh them as they come in.
    
    o In the interests of haute cuisine,certain restaurants will advertise
    lots of hamburgers form RESTAURANT(TM) and other competitors but
    special waiters will circulate to advise what to eat but will not be
    allowed to take orders.These waiters come from a special group of
    waiters from head office attached to the Customer Brainwashing Unit or
    CBU(often called the Customer Bust Up boys by the other waiters).
    These waiters are even authorised to refuse to serve customers who do
    not order the right hamburgers(TM).
    
    

As revenue decreases RESTAURANT (TM) decides to act more agressively
on the fast food market and plans to serv customers who aren't
even hungry. This will be done thru the newly implemented 
'Meal Conversion Service', MCS, in 'Steak Incorporation Centers', SIC's.

Hungry subcontractors are located there. - So, customer, there's no
need the eat - RESTAURANT (TM) eats for you!

To ensure that company policy and procedures are followed the restaurant
will keep all the managers, it is critical in these bad times that
the few waiters and the only cook that is left are supervised. The managers
will access whether the restaurant should be meaner and leaner, maybe they
must get rid of another few waiters.

    
    The waiters and cooks decide that it's time to put the company back
    into profit, and make mincemeat out of the managers.

    This doesn't make the hamburgers taste any better, but it does make the
    waiters and cooks feel better.

Re: .41:  >  The fastest of fast food took the spot light. Using state of
>the art sub micron technology and the Accelerated eXpulsion Process
>OpenRESTAURANT(tm) has perfected the BobsBurger AXP(tm).
 
This is priceless!!  I haven't laughed so hard in ages.

As BBS'ers often write: ROTFLOL  (rolling on the floor, laughing out loud).

 Al

    .48:
    
    I can't recall the name of the piemaker, but then we'd get more name
    recognition out of SWEENEY TODD.
    
    Dick

    
    In response to inquiries as to why it takes three months to deliver the
    new BobsBurger AXP(tm),  OpenRESTAURANT(tm) announced in a press release
    today:  "Our head chef backed into the meat grinder and we got  little
    behind in our orders."
    

    Finger rolls and blood sausage
    

    
    In its continuing effort to attract revenue from its customer
    RestAuraNT creates a new service.
    
    	FM	Food Management
    
    A total service to the customer. 

        Big fight yesterday at RESTAURANT (tm) between 2 managers.
        One pretended that RESTAURANT sold last week 2 millions cheeseburgers
	when his colleague had only 9 (nine) units on his weekly report.
	No other member of the RLT (aka big fry team) was able to divide
        between them.
 
        To face this issue the Food Reporting Group has been assigned a
        new project code-named FRIED for Food Reporting Instant Exception
        Delivery.
 
        The Food & Delivery Administration manager forecast a first
	pilot of the project by middle of next fiscal year. With FRIED it is
	expected that any shortage of food will be signaled the following
	week compared to the following quarter as it works at present.

    
    we wouldn't need Tobin's.
    

    We don't need them now. The people are nice, the food    . I brown
    bag it. At least the Legal Seafood chowder is ok.
    
    Jim C.