Conference heron::euro_swas_ai

165.0. "The VAX Lisp Sketch" by MUNSBE::BRITTAIN (Peter, EDU Munich @UFC *773-2069) Mon Jan 15 1990 18:37

                           THE VAX LISP SKETCH
                           ===================

				with apologies to Monty Python.

    A= John Cleese, the customer. 
    B= Michael Palin, the shop assistant.
    
    
    
    A: Hello- I wish to register a complaint... Hello, miss?
    
    B: What do ya mean miss?
    
    A: Oh, I'm sorry, I 'ave a cold.  I wish to make a complaint.
    
    B: Oh, sorry, we're closing for lunch.
    
    A: Never mind that, my lad, I wish to complain about this Lisp
       what I purchased not 'alf an hour ago from this very boutique.
    
    B: Oh yes, the VAX Common Lisp. (pause) What's wrong with it?
    
    A: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead! That's
       what's wrong with it!
    
    B: Naw, naw, it's...it's restin'... Look...
    
    A: Look my lad, I know a dead Lisp when I see one, and I'm lookin'
       at one right now.
    
    B: Naw, it's not dead. It's... er, restin'.
    
    A: Restin'?
    
    B: Yeah, restin'. Remarkable bird the VAX Common Lisp, isn't it?
       Beautiful plumage!
    
    A: The plumage don't enter into it! It's stone dead!
    
    B: No, it's restin'.
    
    A: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up.  (to bird:) Hello
       Polly!! I've got a nice fresh cuttle-fish for you if you wake
       up, Mr Polly Lisp!!!
    
    B: (hits cage) There, he moved!
    
    A: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage.
    
    B: I didn't.
    
    A: Yes you did!  (to bird:) Hello, Polly!! Wakey, wakey!! (banging
       Lisp on table) Rise and shine! This is your 9 o'clock alarm
       call. (bangs Lisp on table some more and then tosses it into
       the air, where it then lands on the floor with a thud.)
       
       Now that's what I call a dead Lisp!!
    
    B: Naw, 'e's stunned.
    
    A: Stunned ?!
    
    B: Yeah, you stunned 'im just as 'e was wakin' up. VAX Common Lisps
       stun easily.
    
    A: Look, my lad. I've had enough of this. That Lisp is definitely
       deceased. And when I bought it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured
       me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired
       and shagged out after a long garbage-collect.
    
    B: Well... 'e's pining for the fjords.
    
    A: Pinin' for the fjords? What kind of talk is that?    Look- why
       did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it 'ome?
    
    B: Ah, well, the VAX Common Lisp prefers keepin' on it's back. Beautiful
       plumage!
    
    A: Look! I took the liberty of examining that Lisp, and I discovered
       that the only reason that it had been sittin' on its perch in
       the first place was that it had been nailed there!
    
    B: Oh... well... Of course it was nailed there! Oh, if I hadn't nailed
       it there, it would've muscled up to those bars and VOOM!!
    
    A: Look here, mate! (picks up bird) This Lisp wouldn't 'VOOM'
       if you put four thousand volts through it !! It's bleedin' demised!
    
    B: Naw, it's pinin'.
    
    A: It's not pinin', it's passed on! This Lisp is no more! It
       has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to see its maker! This is a
       late Lisp! It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch
       it would be pushin' up the daisies! It's run down the curtain and
       joined the choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-LISP!
    
    B: Well I better replace it then. (goes behind wall)
    
    A: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country
       you got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth!
    
    B: Sorry Squire(?). I've had a lot, we're right out of VAX Common Lisps.
    
    A: I see- I get the picture.
    
    B: I've got a Lucid Lisp...
    
    A: Does it do a "System Build", does it have a DEC-Windows interface?
    
    B: Er... yes.
    
    A: OK I'll take that then.