Conference kernel::csguk_systems

73.0. "Not_The_Digital_Dictionary" by KERNEL::PETTET (Norm Pettet CSC Basingstoke) Mon Sep 18 1989 08:14

                          NOT THE DIGITAL DICTIONARY
                                      or
                           "A FISTFUL OF FLOPPIES"

                      A Guide to Understanding DECspeak
                       Illogical Grammar, Misspellings
                       Euphemisms, and other Code Words

                    Used in Digital Equipment Corporation


                                       A

ADVERTISING:
We don't believe in squandering money on telling people who we are and why our 
computers are good.  If they really want to know, let them get the information 
through Arpanet -- just like everyone else.


AGGRESSIVE:
This is bad. Do not be aggressive, especially if you are female. (See also 
BITCH.)

ASSERTIVE:
This, too, is a backhanded compliment.  It means that you give good memo but 
aren't especially effective at getting results.


AUTHORITY:
The only people who have this are a few Vice Presidents -- and they're usually 
afraid to use it.  People we hire from Raytheon have a rough adjustment period.



                                       B

BITCH:
A woman the speaker doesn't like.  She is usually more intelligent than the 
speaker, otherwise he would call her a dumb broad.

BOUNDED SYSTEM:

One which would be useful if you could expand it.  Which you can't.


BURP:
No, this is not a belch.  It's an acronym for a financial report that shows 
whether a product is making a profit or not.  It is indicative of the sobriety 
of finance people that there are no funny jokes about this particular report. 
Depending upon the product, a more suitable name for this report might be GROAN:  
"Get Ready -- Orders Are Negative".


BUY-IN:
No matter how trivial the project or decision, you will always have to get the 
"buy-in" of someone who doesn't understand what's going on. This increases the 
time spent on any given project by at least 50%, depending upon the 
recalcitrance of the targeted individual and the likelihood of impacting his 
vacation.  The probability of getting needed buy-ins was best explained by 
Corbin's Uncertainty Principle, which demonstrated that no one seems to know 
who's in charge.



                                       C

CBI:
Computer Based Instruction.  We spend a lot of time and money writing manuals.  
We want you to READ them, dammit.  To encourage you, we've made our Computer 
Based Instruction as tedious and incomprehensible as possible.  If you're a 
normal person, you'll abandon the CBI and start using the manuals within two 
hours.


CONCERN:
"Here's my concern..."  What the speaker is REALLY saying is "You idiot, you've 
missed something I think is really important." (See also HELP.)


CUSTOMER:
Anyone who does NOT work for DEC and who MIGHT someday buy a computer from us.  
In our egocentric way, we make no distinction between someone who does business 
with us (a customer) and someone who does not but might (a prospect.)


CUSTOMER-INSTALLABLE:
A product is declared to be customer installable whenever we include a 
screwdriver in the shipping dunnage.



                                       D

DECMATE:
Computer chess term.


DE-SKILLING:
When you ask a manufacturing supervisor why his techs. can no longer assemble a 
system they've been assembling for ten years, he'll tell you proudly, "Oh, we've 
been actively de-skilling for several years".  This means that he's hiring 
people whose knuckles graze the ground and who receive no training. 


DIALOGUE:
In normal English, this is a noun, meaning a conversation between two people.  
In Digital, however, it is a verb very popular with people who scored less than 
500 on their verbal SATs. The verb "to dialogue" means to discuss the subject at 
hand in as roundabout a fashion as possible, perhaps call a task force or two 
(see TASK FORCE), and do nothing.  People who do nothing love to dialogue. 

If you love to do nothing, say things like "Let's dialogue on that issue" 
frequently.  You'll probably be offered a job in Sales Programs or 
Organizational Development. 


DRI (DESIGNATED RESPONSIBLE INDIVIDUAL):
Most projects at Digital, be they in Engineering, Manufacturing, or Marketing, 
have a "DRI":  the person whose ostensible job it is to see that the project is 
successful.

The DRI has no one working for him, and no one else on the project need listen 
to his advice or follow his directions. The DRI's REAL JOB is to be the cannon 
fodder should the project turn into a disaster.

AVOID BEING CALLED THE DRI ON ANY PROJECT.



                                       E


EASY-TO-USE:
This is the most "in" kind of product to be involved in at Digital.  All of our 
products are user-friendly and easy-to-use, especially RSX Sysgen, MACRO, and 
the microscopic diagram in the DECmate installation guide from which you're 
supposed to figure out where to jam all the cables from the second disk drive. 

                                       
EMERGENCY:
A recent Ken Olsen memo declared a state of emergency at Digital, likening the 
situation to that of a pilot in a difficult situation.  When the memo reached 
DEC Japan, a senior Deckie read it and asked:  "Excuse, please.  Not understand 
memo.  If Ken Olsen is pilot, why he not just fly plane?" 

And folks wonder why Japan, Inc. is doing so well. 


ENTRY-LEVEL:
This is a term used to describe systems which are too weak to be usable and too 
cheap to be profitable.  Marketing always wants to hype "entry-level" systems.  
Engineering likes to design them.  No customer in his right mind wants to buy 
one. (ALSO SEE CUSTOMER-INSTALLABLE).



                                       F
    
FEEDBACK:
This is DECspeak for a cruel and uncalled-for remark.  It is usually heard in 
the form "Let me give you some feedback", then followed by criticisms of your 
voice, your clothes, your haircut, your accent, etc.  Typically the "feedback" 
is delivered by some overweening manager you've never met before. 

Never defend yourself; you risk getting more feedback on your defensive (also 
see AGGRESSIVE) behavior.  Instead, just smile sweetly and thank your superior 
for his interest.  In the open and frank spirit of the moment, offer him some 
feedback on his personal hygiene, weight problem, obvious toupee, boring 
presentation style, etc.  Suggest some suitable courses for him/her to take. 


FUTURES:
Our marketing and sales organizations prefer selling futures to the products we 
actually manufacture at any given time.  It is not clear whether this is due to 
their inability to sell what we have, or to Engineering's inability to build 
what customers want. 

A task force, no doubt, will be formed to work the issue.



                                       G

GIA:
Branch of C.I.A. within Digital.  The "I" does not stand for intelligence. 


GENERAL-PURPOSE COMPUTERS:
No one wakes up one morning and decides to buy a general-purpose computer; the 
buyer is usually quite specific on what purpose the computer will fill.  

We say that PDP-11s and VAXes are general-purpose computers because we don't 
know what people do with them.



                                       H


HELP:
Careers are destroyed with too much help.  You, too, can learn to help the 
people you want to get rid of.  The following phrases will assist you:

a.  "Help me understand that".  Say this to your adversary at a large meeting 
    after he has just made an amazingly silly statement.  This will call 
    everyone's attention to the fact not only that he is a complete idiot, but 
    that you are a tactful and modest person.  

b.  "How can I help Irving?"  Say this to Irving's boss, then point out Irving's 
    many good qualities ("He seems to be trying his best") while making it clear 
    that he is totally incompetent ("But he doesn't appear to be making much 
    progress, and I know it's important").  Irving's boss will immediately 
    recognize you as a helpful and tactful person, and will plan Irving as a "4" 
    (Needs Help) on his next review.  With any luck, Irving will be so incensed 
    over his lousy raise that he'll quit DEC altogether. 



                                       I


IGNORANT:
Do not be offended if someone says you are ignorant (uninformed or lacking 
knowledge); this is a treatable condition.  Study, and your ignorance will 
decline.  

Sadly, no cure has yet been found for sheer stupidity (although many stupid 
people have found gainful employment in Merrimack, weaving delightfully naive 
marketing plans and stringing one-of-a-kind packaged systems.) 


INTERPERSONAL SKILLS:
It is very important to get along with people at Digital, since the only way to 
get things done is to talk or trick people into it.  (See AUTHORITY.) 

Don't ever make anyone angry, or on your next performance review you will be 
criticized for your lack of "interpersonal skills" and will be packed off for a 
week of "Positive Power and Influence" or related psychobabble. 

If you're liked by everyone, your performance review will state that you avoid 
confrontation; you will be packed off for a week of "Positive Power and 
Influence".  

The simple truth is that NO ONE at Digital has interpersonal skills good enough 
to work here.  


ISSUE:
Issues are Digital's most flexible product.  There are lots of things you can do 
with issues:

a.  Table the issue (meaning do nothing)

b.  Address the issue (look into it and then do nothing)

c.  Visit the issue (say you did, then don't)

d.  Revisit the issue (oh no, not that again)

e.  Work the issue (spend a lot of time looking into details that have no 
    bearing on the issue, then do nothing)

f.  Let's work that issue off-line (let's not embarrass ourselves by talking 
    about that mess in front of all these people)

g.  I'm on top of that issue (I don't intend to do anything about it and don't 
    want to talk about it.)



                                       K


KERNAL:
Most people at Digital are perfectly capable of spelling words such as psychosis 
(perhaps because it's so common), but are convinced that those little yellow 
things on a corncob COULDN'T POSSIBLY be spelled the same as the essence or core 
of a given product.  

Don't let the constant misspelling confuse you.  In fact, if you start spelling 
"kernel" with an A, you may have a promising career in Product Management. 

See also INTERMITTANT, SEPERATE, and TRANSIANT. 


K.O.:
If K.O. likes it, it's O.K. 



                                       L


LOW-KEY:
Certain people are said to be "Low-key".  Don't let it be said about you.  It 
means "does nothing, but doesn't make a fuss about it."



                                       M

MARKETING:
We don't do this at Digital.  If the sales people are too dumb to sell it and 
the customers too misguided to buy it -- to hell with them. 



                                       O


OFF-LINE:
This is the way we like to solve problems.  Actually solving a problem during a 
meeting is disruptive to the process of the meeting (see PROCESS.)  So we take 
the problems "off-line" (look into them at some later date, preferably never.) 


ORDER PROCESSING:
We think processing orders is absolutely fascinating (see PROCESS).  Actually 
filling the orders is a boring and repetitive task in which we have very little 
interest, so we assign it to our most junior people. (See DE-SKILLING.)



                                       P


PHASE REVIEW:
Products have phases, described and defined in the Phase Review Planner.  Most 
people take these seriously.  Don't be fooled.  The whole Phase Review Process 
is just a ritual.  A more accurate definition of the product's phases follows: 


PHASE 0:
Somebody in Engineering feels his career is slipping. He finagles a pile of 
money to do a feasibility study, and starts saying that the Marketing people are 
too naive to understand the wonderfulness of his Widget just yet.  Approval to 
proceed to Phase 1 is granted. 


PHASE 1:
Prototype Widgets start churning out like croissants at Bloomingdale's.  An 
argument breaks out as to whether the product is really going to provide 
"incremental business" (business we wouldn't have won with any other products we 
already have).  

A task force (see TASK FORCE) is formed which recommends a major market study 
(for which no funds exist) and the creation of a new marketing group to focus on 
the issue (see ISSUE). 


PHASE 2:
Entrance into Phase 2 involves a mandatory six-month slip in the project due 
either to Marketing unreadiness to cope with the problem, or to a power supply 
design error.  The DRI (see DRI) must select the reason for the slip. 

At the last minute, Field Service declares the product to be inherently 
unreliable, and Sales Programs decides to delay the announcement until a 
suitable occasion presents itself.  The Technical OEM group wants to proceed 
because Schlumberger has said they'll buy 2,000 Widgets per year if we do a 
special hotwired version just for them.  

A task force is formed to work the issue off-line.  A compromise is reached:  we 
will have a "Program Announcement", whereby we send out a one-paragraph press 
release announcing our intention to pursue the widget market.  Electronic Design 
breaks the story first:  "DIGITAL TO INVEST MILLIONS IN NEW WOOGGET -- 
ABANDONING VAX CUSTOMER BASE".  All other media wisely ignore the announcement. 
Twenty VAX customers cancel orders. 

At announcement time, the product slips another three months because some goof 
forgot to place an order for the now-corrected power supplies.  There is a 
slight flurry of activity until a minimum-wage clerk is found to pin the blame 
on. 


PHASE 3:
The product's been announced for a year now, and we've sold two.  One has been 
returned.  The original Engineering Manager has taken a job with Apollo and the 
Marketing group has reorganized.  A new Vice-President in charge of Widgets is 
named, with a 300-person group  to re-engineer, improve, find third-party 
software for, and figure out how to sell Widgets in the retail/dealer channel. 

A $6M television advertising campaign is launched with the snappy slogan "We 
Change the Way the Widget Winks".  It is canceled when the Vice-President goes 
to Sun Microsystems. 


PHASE 4:
Manufacturing notices that we've sold two Widgets in the last six months and 
proposes that we terminate production.  The line is shut down.  Two weeks later, 
a salesman in Washington wins an order for ten Widgets.  The line is restarted 
at a cost of $1.5M. 


PHASE 5:
The Washington order is canceled. 


PROCESS:
We love process at Digital.  We even hold meetings to discuss the process of 
holding meetings.  You can get instant recognition as manager material if you 
come to a meeting and say things like: 

a.  "I have a process question"  This will free everyone at the meeting from 
    doing any work at all and allow them instead to discuss how they propose to 
    conduct the meeting.  This usually begins and ends with re-arranging the 
    chairs and tables in the room. 

b.  "The process is what's causing the problem".  This is a REALLY brilliant 
    move, since now everyone can spend his/her time bitching about how 
    impossible Digital is to work for, instead of solving the problem.  Better 
    yet, the person who caused the problem is now free from all blame.  Say this 
    loudly when the person who is clearly to blame for the screw up is both 
    high-ranking and in the room. 


PRODUCT MANAGER:
At some point in your career, you will either have to deal with a product 
manager or BE one.  It's important to know whether you're dealing with a fool or 
not.  The acid test:  Ask him to describe what he does. 

WRONG ANSWER (BEWARE, TURKEY AT 12:00 HIGH):  "I facilitate, coordinate, and in 
general ensure that all the right buy-ins are obtained to see that the process 
is working properly".  If he also says things like "Let's dialogue on that 
issue," run to the nearest exit.  The guy is useless. 

RIGHT ANSWER: "I make sure that sales can sell it, service can fix it, and 
manufacturing can build it."  Hooray!  You're talking to someone who, if nothing 
else, believes that he's responsible for something happening. 


PROJECT PLAN:
The document to which all participants swear fealty -- at least until the ink 
dries. 



                                       Q


QUALITY CONTROL:
Very important at Digital. If we don't carefully control quality, it might get 
out of hand.



                                       R
    

REORGANIZATION:
This is the best way to avoid work.  If you are a manager, keep your group in a 
state of anxiety by constantly reorganizing -- once a year is enough to both 
avoid producing any meaningful output, and to get a "2" on your performance 
review in recognition of the fine job you did re-structuring the team 
environment,  re-defining job responsibilities, and re-training everyone.  
Remember to change jobs once a year. 


RISK:
We don't take risks at Digital.  We've spent the last few years assiduously 
setting up review boards, phase review criteria, administrative roadblocks, task 
forces, planning requirements, prolonged testing, and compatibility standards.  
We then diluted authority across the widest possible range of special-interest 
groups to further ensure that no one can cut someone else's red tape.  

Go ahead -- try and take a risk.  Someone will reach out and grab you by the 
scruff of your neck, just as your mother did the time you were five and wanted 
to try out your brother's new two-wheeler.  



                                       S


STOCK OPTION:
At Tobin's, consists of beef, chicken, or vulcanized cheeseburgers.  In the 
vending machines, it's cheeseburgers only. 


STUPIDITY:
Never attribute to maliciousness that which can be explained by mere stupidity.



                                       T


TASK FORCE:
This is a group which generates a lot of memos (preferably EMS rather than hard 
copy), a lengthy recommendation report (lots of appendices, charts, and graphs) 
and then does nothing.  The task force usually concludes its report by 
recommending the formation of another task force to really work the issue (see 
ISSUE). 

Task forces are lots of fun to work on.  They give you a good excuse for not 
doing your current job ("Gee, boss, I'm sorry, but you know that task force is 
taking up a lot of my time"), while making it possible for you to decline any 
really work-heavy assignments on the task force ("My current responsibilities 
prohibit me from volunteering for that task.") 


TBD:
To Be Determined.  You usually see these initials on organization charts, 
meaning they refuse to give the job to the underling who's probably earned it 
and haven't found a burned-out old wreck who'll accept it.  Never accept a job 
which reports to a TBD.  If you are a burned-out old wreck yourself, be on the 
lookout for TBDs. 


TRAINING:
You won't get any at Digital unless you decide to spend your nights and weekends 
reading manuals. Do so.  Don't swell the ranks of the ignorant.  Just because 
your boss wouldn't know a VAX if it fell on him doesn't mean that you shouldn't. 



TRAINING, SALES:
This is where many tired-out sales people go to work when they've had it with 
chasing cables.  (See also GIA.) 



                                       V


VENUS:
An engineering project which has taken longer to finish than it took Franco to 
die. 



                                       W


WORK:
It's not supposed to be fun.  That's why they call it "work."