Conference waylay::singles_chat

    
    Hi all,
    
    Got this from a Web message site... Couldn't pass it up...
    Please just don't hit me...
    
                                                       Not in the face,
                                                        Mike.
    
    
Woman - A Chemical Analysis

   Element       : Woman
   Symbol        : Wo
   Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
   Discoverer    : Adam
   Occurrence    : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
                   concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas.  Subject to 
                   seasonal fluctuations.

   Physical Properties :
           1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
           2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
           3) Melts if given special treatment.
           4) Bitter if used incorrectly.  Can cause headaches.  Handle with
              care!
           5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
           6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
   Chemical Properties :
           1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious
              stones.
           2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
           3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
           4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when
              saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
           5) Repels cheap material.  Neutral to common sense.
           6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
   Uses :
           1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
           2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
           3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
           4) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
   Tests :
           1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
           2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
   Caution :
           1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care
              when handling.
           2) Illegal to possess more than one.

    
    Hi all,
    
    Again from the same Web message board. Again, please don't hit me!
    
                                                       Spoon!,
                                                        Mike.
    
    
    
 Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
 found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for
 other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is
 spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
 No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
 brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him
 that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not
 only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always lauched at
 system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
 He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, 
 BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system
 at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always 
 worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as 
 to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and
 BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish
 with each passing day.

 Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
      - A "Don't remind me again" button
      - Minimize button
      - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with
        the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and
        other system resources.
      - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
        allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

 I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
 Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
 must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing
 bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend
 have conflicts over shared use of the  I/O port. You think they would have
 fixed such a stupid bug by now.  To make matters worse, The uninstall program
 for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the
 application in the system.

 Another thing is that all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little
 annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

 *****  BUG WARNING  ********
 Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
 doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
 claiming insufficient resources.

 *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
 To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
 and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. 

 Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry
 viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.  Another solution would be to run Mistress
 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the
 viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

Re: .1

OK, well we have to include this one then!!  ;-)



	 --  MAN - A Chemical Analysis  --
 
 Element:    Man     Atomic Weight: Varies between 180 and 220
 Symbol:     MN                     220 depending on availability
 Discoverer: ?		            of Bud.
 Occurance:  Copious quantities in all areas, 
             with slightly lower concentrations in
             geographic areas known for intellectual
	     achievement.
 
 Physical Properties: 1) Surface usually covered with
                         coarse hair and potato chips.
                      2) Maintains constant temperature
			 unless confronted with porn films.
                      3) Cannot be influenced unless
			 threatened with abstinence.
                      4) Will cause headaches.
                      5) Found in two typical states,
                         ranging from horny to
                         uncontrollable.
                      6) Vulnerable to references about
			 organ length.
 
 Chemical Properties: 1) Has great affinity for Stroh's Gold,
                         Silver Bullets, and the Rolling
			 Stones.
                      2) Repulsed by credit cards. 
                      3) May explode spontaneously if
                         not allowed to go out with the boys.
                      4) Usually saturated in alcohol.
                      5) Attracted to cheap material and
			 large motorcycles.
                      6) Most powerful money hoarding 
                         agent known to humans.
 
 Uses:  Somewhat ornamental if brainless.
        Will reduce relaxation levels.
        Can belch and fart under any circumstances.
        Can try to warm things up but won't succeed.
 
 Tests: Pure specimen turns flaccid when discovered
        in natural state.
        Turns purple in the face when placed beside a longer
        specimen.
 
 Caution: 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
             hands. Use extreme care if forced to handle.
          2) Who would want to possess more than one.


********************************************************************************

-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analysis --
 
Element:       Computerscientistium
Symbol:        Cs
Discoverer:    Disputed.  Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
	       but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by
	       Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see
	       below).
Occurrence:    Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
	       extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
	       Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous 
	       deposits of money.
Cost:	       The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
	       expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
 
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
   pressure.  However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
   reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
   to remain useful.
 
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
   generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to
   proceed.
 
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
   substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
   etc.  These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
   difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
 
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
   whiteboards.  These devices seem to act as a buffer when 
   Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
   much of the energy.  
 
   Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
   to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
   is held.  This will help to keep it stable.
 
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
   Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks.  This behaviour
   has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
   take appropriate precautions just in case.
 
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
   observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
   producing anything.
 
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
   practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
   It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
   (especially the isotope Auditorium)
 
  
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers).  However, it seems that 
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.

    
    Those were good! Keep them coming....
    
    Chris

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains
small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints
of beer each and observed that 100% of them
gained water weight, talked incessantly without making
sense, and couldn't drive.
    

    after 12 pints, who would make sense?  

    A Joke
    
    (and a distasteful one at that)
    
    There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
    approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
    night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl
    approaches her brother and says `Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?'
    
    He says `No, why? You got someone lined up for me?'
    
    `You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?'
    
    `Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!'
    
    `Well, are you taking somebody else out?'
    
    `You know I don't have a date, Sis.'
    
    `And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?'
    
    Her brother nods. She continues, `So we should go with each other.'
    
    The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells
    his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he
    will take her to the prom.
    
    Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so
    the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on
    Friday.
    
    At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that
    his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the
    punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
    
    `Hey, brother, let's dance.'
    
    He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. `Look, Sis, this is
    the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the
    prom, okay?'
    
    `Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
    can't you dance with your sister?'
    
    `Oh . . . all right.'
    
    So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
    a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
    
    In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him
    and says, `Let's not go straight home.'
    
    He gives her a curious look and says, `What are we going to do
    instead?'
    
    `Oh, I don't know. Just drive around.'
    
    He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
    country, she looks over at him again and says `Want to find some place
    to park?'
    
    `Hell,' he says, `are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
    parking with you!'
    
    `Who said anything about `going parking'? Let's just pull over
    somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of
    us - how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each
    other?'
    
    So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
    secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
    over at him again.
    
    `Hey...' she says.
    
    `What?'
    
    `Why don't you kiss me?'
    
    `You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?
    I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!' And he reached for the
    ignition switch to start the car.
    
    She reached out and took his hand. `I know I'm your sister. You've
    mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
    each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?' She kissed him
    on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing,
    she whispered in his ear, `Come on. Let's do it.'
    
    `Do what,' said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister
    had in mind.
    
    `You know what,' his sister replied.
    
    `I can't do that with you, you're my...' His voice trailed off.
    
    While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, `You know, you're a
    lot lighter than Dad.'
    
    `I know,' said her brother. `Mom told me.'
    
    (I warned you. Heh heh)

    REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE
    
    
    
    Editor's Note: This article is written in UPPER case so that it will
    not be taken lightly.
    
    
    
    RP DON'T EAT QUICHE. IN FACT, RP DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL QUICHE.
    THEY EAT TWINKIES AND SZECHWAN FOOD.
    
    REAL PROGRAMMERS (RP) DON'T WRITE SPECS -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER
    THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET.
    
    RP DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT IS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARD
    TO UNDERSTAND.
    
    RP DON'T WRITE APPLICATIONS PROGRAMS; THEY PROGRAM RIGHT DOWN TO THE
    BARE METAL. APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING IS FOR DWEEBS WHO CAN'T DO SYSTEMS
    PROGRAMMING.
    
    RP DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMERS.
    
    RP' PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF YOU THROW THEM ON
    THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING IN "ONLY A FEW" 30-HOUR
    DEBUGGING SESSIONS.
    
    RP DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE-STRESS FREAKS AND
    CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES.
    
    RP NEVER WORK 9-5. IF ANY RP ARE EVEN AROUND AT 9AM, THEY WERE UP ALL
    NIGHT.
    
    RP NEVER WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS EVER WRITE IN BASIC
    AFTER THE AGE OF 12.
    
    RP DON'T WRITE IN PL/1. PL/1 IS FOR PROGRAMMERS THAT CAN'T DECIDE
    BETWEEN COBOL AND FORTRAN.
    
    RP DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES YOU TO CHANGE
    CLOTHES. MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IS OK, AND RP WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS TO
    WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
    MACHINE ROOM.
    
    RP DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF THOSE PINKO
    COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONG TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAK
    MINDS.
    
    RP DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T READ THE
    LISTINGS OR THE OBJECT DECK.

    Impure Mathematics                                                   
    
    
    
    Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly virtue, young Polly
    Nomial (our heroine), is accosted by the notorious villian, Curly Pi,
    and factored (oh, Horror!).
    
    
    
    Once Upon a time (1/t), pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a
    field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singular matrix.
    Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute
    condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on.
    Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was
    feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis
    that it was insufficient, and made her way in among the complex
    elements.
    
    Rows and columns closed in on her from all sides. Tangents approached
    her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches
    of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently,
    lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she
    reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was
    protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient.
    When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently
    aline, in a non-Euclidian space.
    
    She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was
    lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates,
    a singular expression crossed his face, He wondered, was she still
    convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a
    common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching
    with his power series extrapolated.. She could see at once by his
    degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
    
    'Arcsinh', she gasped.
    
    'Ho, Ho,' he said. 'What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can
    see your angels have a lit of secs.'
    
    'Oh sir,' she protested. 'Keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets
    on.'
    
    'Calm yourself, my dear.' said our suave operator. 'Your fears are
    purely imaginary.'
    
    'I...I' she thought. 'Perhaps he's not normal but homologous.'
    
    'What order are you?' the brute demanded.
    
    'Seventeen.' replied Polly.
    
    Curly leered, 'I suppose you've never been operated on.'
    
    'Of course not,' Polly replied quite properly. 'I'm absolutely
    convergent.'
    
    'Come, come,' said Curly. 'Let's go to a decimal place I know and I'll
    take you to the limit.'
    
    'Never!' gasped Polly.
    
    Abscissa.' he swore, using the vilest oath he know. His patience was
    gone. Cohsing her over the coefficient with a log until she was
    powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her
    significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection.
    
    Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his
    hand tending to her asymptotic limit, Her convergence would soon be
    gone forever!
    
    There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavysided operator. Curly's radius
    squared itself. Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts, he
    integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed
    Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and
    did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had
    satisfied her hypothesis. Then he exponentiated and became completely
    orthogonal.
    
    When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no
    longer piecewise continuous, and had been truncated in several places,
    But is was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by,
    Polly's denominator increased monotonically, Finally she went to
    L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left
    surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.
    
    The moral of our sad story is this: 'If you want to keep your
    expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.'

    Sing this one to Michael Jackson's Beat it
    
    
    
    1.You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
    Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
    The system just crashed, but don't lose your head,
    Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.
    
    2.Better think fast, better do what you can,
    Read the manual or call your system man,
    Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
    So BOOT IT,
    
    3.Get the system manager to
    BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
    Even though you'd rather shoot it.
    Don't be upset, it's only some glitch.
    All that you do is flip a little switch.
    BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
    Get right down and restitute it.
    Don't get excited, all is not lost.
    CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
    Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it...
    
    4.You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
    The system says your jobs at the head of the queue,
    Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
    BOOT IT.
    
    5.You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
    And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
    But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know)
    So BOOT IT,
    
    6.Call the local guru to
    BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
    Go ahead re-institute it.
    If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
    But if you are, it'll do it itself.
    BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
    Then go find the guy who screwed it!
    Operating systems are built to bounce back,
    Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack.
    
    BOOT IT! BOOT IT!

    
 TITLE: "Silicon Valley Guy" by Don Data and the Res-Tones
 (Tune of "Valley Girl" by Moonunit Zappa)

 Spoken: Hey, anybody seen my beeper?

 Sung:
 Valley Guy, he's a valley guy
 Silicon Valley guy
 Clip-on tie, and tennis shoes
 Thinks he's hip
 but he's blown a fuse
 Hangs out at the Radio Shack
 buyin' chips for his UNIVAC
 He's a...

 Spoken: Naw, that one's not mine.  Well anyway, it was complete chip burnout
 with floppy disk failure.  A real total system dump, you know?  For certain!
 And I told the output user, "Hey, would I de-res my own program?  C'mon
 man, don't call me, call PG & E!  Hey, go somewhere and have a meltdown, man,
 like, burn out!"  Then I went down to the Shack to get some sub-miniature DIP
 relays.  And get this, the salesman gave me a new plastic pocket protector!

 Sung:
 Look out Intel, here he comes
 He's the king of computer runs
 Got his degree from M.I.T.
 Knows square roots to infinity

 Spoken: I scanned that new program down in word processing.  The one with the
 huge memory banks?  Yea--Julie!  Punch my code, I am certain!  When I first
 saw her I thought, "Woa!  Give me a microsecond, could I trip her kip relay or
 what?"  She sorta smiles at me and I'm thinking, "I have got to access this
 chick."  But should I go subroutine or main program, you know?  So I just
 suddenly invade her spacial arena and introduce myself for starts.  Hi, I'm
 Ray Fifo.

 Sung:
 Valley Guy, he's a valley guy
 Silicon Valley guy
 Clip on tie, and tennis shoes
 Thinks he's hip
 but he's blown a fuse
 Hangs out at the Radio Shack
 buyin' chips for his UNIVAC
 He's a...

 Spoken: So after a few casual edit statements, I can tell this unit really
 digs me.  I mean it's modem to the max, the program computes, right?  We
 make plans to meet at her place and I get there and she is online, I mean,
 like, she's wearing all this software.  I'm calculating the access time
 to her front-end processor and there is phase jitter entering all my charge
 couple devices!  Her ambient temperature's rising!  And she is alpha-fluxing
 right before my eyes!  We skipped dinner.

 Sung:
 Look out Intel, here he comes
 He's the king of computer runs
 Got his degree from M.I.T.
 Knows square roots to infinity

 After a RAM refresh time interval she says to me, "Ray, I'm all decoded now.
 I think you better go"  And I say, "OK, program, I can handle the end sum."
 "And Ray," she says, "I hope you won't de-res me in the morning."  And I
 say, "Moi?  De-res a cute litte program like you?  Hey, I'm a Silicon Valley
 Guy."

 Sung:
 Valley guy, he's a valley Guy
 Silcon Valley guy (continues to end)

 Spoken:
 Come here you catalystic data, you! Give master control a little phase jitter.
 Punch my code!  Did I ever show you my cathode ray?  It is really tubular!
 Gag me with a microchip.  Hey, where is my beeper?

    Hi all,
    
    Another good one from the net...
    
                                                      Share & Enjoy,
                                                       Mike.
    
    
 If I ever become an Evil Overlord:
 
 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
 face-concealing ones.
 
 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
 
 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
 anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
 
 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
 
 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
 Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
 Eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.
 
 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
 
 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are
 you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just
 sensible."
 
 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
 will you at least tell me what this is all about?"  I'll shoot him, and then
 say "No".
 
 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
 a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
 which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
 
 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
 necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
 "Danger: Do Not Push".
 
 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
 destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
 
 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
 well outside my borders will work just as well.
 
 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
 prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
 enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
 
 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm
 not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
 
 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
 simply choose not show them any.
 
 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
 my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
 
 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
 the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
 celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
 
 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
 of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
 adhere to any other dress codes.
 
 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
 form of last request.
 
 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
 such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
 the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
 operation.
 
 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
 scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
 to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
 
 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one
 thing I want to know."
 
 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
 advice.
 
  24.  I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time. 

  25.  I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
own father. 

  26.  Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly. 

  27.  I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs
that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops
to have a more positive mind-set. 

  28.  No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 

  29.  I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize
my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed
with spears and rocks. 

  30.  I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 

  31.  No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 

  32.  If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather,
he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to
dispatch him. 

  33.  No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
to my bedchamber. 

  34.  I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
times. 

  35.  If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the
defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my
inner sanctum to attempt this. 

  36.  My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 

  37.  Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,
I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason. 

  38.  I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion. 

  39.  All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes
will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
comic relief. 

  40.  All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 

  41.  Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through
self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. 

  42.  I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am.  Good messengers are hard
to come by. 

  43.  I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. 

  44.  I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
reserved for formal occasions. 

  45.  I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. 

  46.  I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 

  47.  I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X. 

    Since no one is entering anything... I was thinking of the fact that
    Digital went back to people answering the phone.....
    
    Read on:::
    
    
    >>Welcome to the psychiatric hotline
    
    RING ... RING ... *click*
    
    Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
    
    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
    
    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
      
    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
    
    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
    Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
    
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
    you which number to press.
    
    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
    No one will answer.
    
    If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
    that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
    about to bite off your ear.
    
    

Bill & Mike, both getting along in years,
are watching Xena, Warrior Princess one
evening, and during the commercials are 
talking about the future.

"Well, Mike, we're not going to be around
much longer."

"I know Bill.  I wonder if they let you
watch Xena in Heaven."

"Tell you what, Mike:  let's make a deal!
Whoever gets there first will try to 
contact the survivor and let him know what
it's like up (or down) there."

"Done.  Oh wow!  She's galloping!!   Aggggghhhh...."

A funeral, few months go by, and Bill is again 
watching Xena, this time alone (sniff).

During the break,  he hears a voice,  "Bill, it's me,
Mike."

"Mike, what's it like?"

"Well, I tell ya,  I wake up, have a little sex
before for breakfast, then it's sex all morning long.  
I eat a little lunch, and then have sex all afternoon.  
Some supper, and a little more sex before night-night.  
Then I'm up at dawn, and the same thing all over again."

"Mike, that's great,  I'm calling Dr. K now!  
How will I find you?"


    "I'm a bull in Colorado."
    

THE VERMONTER'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO
   

LOG ON:        Makin' the wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF:       Don't add wood.
MONITOR:       Keep an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD:      Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
MEGA HERTZ:    When yer' not careful downloadin'(watch th'toes!)
FLOPPY DISK:   What you get from pilin' too much firewood.
RAM:           The hydrolic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
HARD DRIVE:    Gettin' home in mud season.
PROMPT:        What you wish the mail was in mud season.
WINDOWS:       What to shut when it's 30 below.
SCREEN:        What you need for black fly season.
BYTE:          What black flies do.
CHIP:          What to munch on.
MICRO CHIP:    What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
MODEM:         What you did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX:    Farmer Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP:       Where the little kids feel comfy.
KEYBOARD:      Where you hang your keys.
SOFTWARE:      Them plastic eatin' utensils.
MOUSE:         What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME:    The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
PORT:          Fancy wine.
ENTER:         C'mon in!
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:    You can't remember how much that new rifle
                       costs when your wife asks.

======================================================
   
   

There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they
were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile
accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being
escorted in by St. Peter.
   

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St.
Peter aside and said,
   

"St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss   
very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it   
 possible for people in heaven to get married?"
   

St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of
anyone in heaven wanting to get married.  I'm afraid you'll have to
talk to
the Lord about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from
Wednesday."
   

Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels
into the presence of the Lord, where they repeated their request. The
Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years
and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about
it
again."
   

Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get
married, came back. Again the Lord said, "Please you must wait another
five years and then I will consider your request."
   

Finally, they came before the Lord the third time, ten years after
their  first request, and asked the Lord again. This time the Lord
answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have
a
beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
   

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was
beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and
Ghandi came Wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, a
few
weeks later they realized they had made a horrible mistake, and that
they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another
appointment to see the Lord, this time to ask if they could get a
divorce in heaven.
   

When the Lord heard their request, he looked at
them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here;
do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
   

   

 =================================================

       

Golf #1
**********************
A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father
for I have sinned..."
       

The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
       

"Well father, I used the f-word over the weekend."
       

"Oh is that all?  Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be
with you."
       

The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
       

"Let's have it then", the priest says as he leans back on the
hard wooden bench.
       

"You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the
first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a
horrendous slice into the trees."
       

"And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried.
       

"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had
a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a
sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my
ball by its teeth and darted up a tree."
       

"That must have been when you cursed?"
       

"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of
the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the
squirrel with its talons.  The bird flew out the trees and back out
over the green.  Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its
mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"
       

"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said
assuredly.
       

"No, no.."
       

The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed the f__ing
putt!"
       

       

       

GOLF#2
*****************
A minister and a friend were out golfing. On the second green the friend
missed a 2-foot putt.
"*&{}#*&!!, I missed," he complained aloud.
"Please don't use such language," the minister said, "or God will punish   
     

you."
On the very next green, the friend missed a nearly identical putt.
"*&{}#*&!!, I missed!" shouted the friend.
"Please don't use that language," the minister repeated, "or surely God
will punish you."
Three holes later, the friend stepped up to a 1-foot putt and left it six   

inches short.
"*&{}#*&!!, I missed!" screamed the friend.
At that exclamation a black cloud suddenly appeared above the two golfers   

and out from it shot a single bolt of lightning that struck the minister.   

"*&{}#*&!!, I missed!" came a booming voice from the sky.
       

       

       

GOLF #3
       

*******************************
       

A man and a friend were on the green at the 3rd hole of their local golf
course. One of them was about to make his winning putt when he saw a long   

funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stopped in
mid-swing,
took off his golf cap, closed his eyes, and bowed down in prayer.
"Wow," his friend said, "that's the most thoughtful and touching thing   
     

I've
ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
"Yeah," the man replied. "Well ...we were married 35 years."
       

       

  ===============================================
* How many men does it take to open a beer?  None.  It should be opened
by the time she brings it to the couch.
       

       

* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
       

       

* A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
       

       

    
    	RE: open a beer
    
    	Uh-oh.  8^)
    

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:

Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted>
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

                  In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The
process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a
third paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to reread what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

   ----------------------------------------------------------------

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him
too much her asthma started acting up again.  So camomile was out of the
question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,"
he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No
sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's
cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat
and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning.  The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.  She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With no one to stop them
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that treaty!  Let's blow'em out
of the sky!"

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&#.

Stupid %&#$!.
    

Physics Story

A true story.  A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his graduate students.  It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic?  Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant.  One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what
rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I
think that we  can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it
will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist   in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since, there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

I can only hope some of these are true...

Really Stupid People
=========================

- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

- A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend
in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two  practiced
shooting beer cans off each other's head.

- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles
on the job.  According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave
the screening room.  Thirteen others fainted, and one man required
seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.

- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city
limits.

- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had
boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and
back pain.

- Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions.  He took the 250-page manuscript
to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

- A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery.  At lunch, he
went out for a sandwich.  She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to
a photocopy machine.  The message "He's lying" was placed in the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth.  Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.

- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused
to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the police.  They still refused, so the robber called the police
and was arrested.

- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer
stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
    

    OK.
    
    This young man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some
    condoms. The pharmacist asks "well how many do you want?". The kid
    replies.. wellll.. I've been seeing this girl... and she's really hot
    to trot for me. We're having dinner with her parents tonight and then
    we're going parking. I know she's gonna be one spunky chick and once we
    do it once she'll want it all the time. Better give me 12. So he buys
    the condoms and leaves.
    
    Later that night he's sitting down to dinner with his girlfriend and
    her parents. He requests to say grace before dinner and he not only
    says grace but keeps praying for a good two or three minutes afterward. 
    
    After he finishes praying his girlfriend leans over and says "I had no
    idea you were so religious!"
    
    His reply: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

    
    
    I just *had* to post this.... 
    
    The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss
    >
    >                       I did not kill my lovely wife.
    >                     I did not slash her with a knife.
    >                      I did not bonk her on the head.
    >                     I did not know that she was dead.
    >
    >                   I stayed at home that fateful night.
    >                     I took a limo, then took a flight.
    >                      The bag I had was just for me.
    >                     My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!
    >
    >                      When I came home, I had a gash.
    >                     My hand was cut from broken glass.
    >                      I cut my hand on broken glass.
    >                    A broken glass did cause that gash.
    >
    >                     My friend, he took me for a ride.
    >                     All through LA, from side to side.
    >                   From north to south, we took a ride.
    >                    But from the cops we could not hide.
    >
    >                        My trial lasted for a year.
    >                     A year! A year! Just sitting here!
    >                         The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
    >                      The circus-hype the viewers saw!
    >                     A year! A year! Just sitting here!
    >
    >                        Did you do this awful crime?
    >                          Did you do this anytime?
    >                       I did not do this awful crime.
    >                      I could not, would not, anytime.
    >                      Did you take this person's life?
    >                        Did you do it with a knife?
    >
    >                       I did not do it with a knife.
    >                    I did not, could not, kill my wife.
    >                       I did not do this awful crime.
    >                      I could not, would not, anytime.
    >
    >                        Did you hit her from above.
    >                      Did you drop this bloody glove?
    >
    >                       I did not hit her from above.
    >                       I cannot even wear that glove.
    >                       I did not do it with a knife.
    >                    I did not, could not, kill my wife.
    >                       I did not do this awful crime.
    >                      I could not, would not, anytime.
    >
    >                      The glove you see it doesn't fit
    >                      The lawyer says you must acquit
    >                      Acquit because the cops all lied
    >                      Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried
    >
    >                     The jury came back verdict in hand
    >                      and silence fell across the land
    >                  Not guilty, not guilty they did decree
    >                  Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free
    >
    >                       And now I'm free, I can return
    >                       To my house for which I yearn.
    >                       And to my family whom I love.
    >                   Now would you please return my glove!!
    

Hillbilly Hare

This is a transcript of the famous Bugs Bunny Cartoon Hillbilly Hare in
which he takes up square dance calling.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 [Bugs Bunny]  Bugs is dressed as a female hillbilly and asks the guys for
               jukebox money...

(Bugs is handed a nickel and he puts it into the jukebox.)

Bugs:
(Girl voice.) Thanks just all to pieces. Sow Belly Trio comin' right up...

(A trio appears in the jukebox -- a fiddle player, an accordionist and a
guitar player. The guitarist calls the square dance:)

Caller:
(Spoken.) Let's all square dance. Places all. (The scene cuts to the boys
and Bugs forming to start dancing. They follow the instructions of the
caller.)

Caller:
Bow to your corner, bow to your own.
(Singing.) Three hands up and 'round you go,
Break it up with a dosey-do.
Chicken in the bread pan kickin' out dough,
Skip to ma Lou my darling.
The old lady out you pretty little thing,
Promenade around the ring,
Big foot up and little foot down,
Make that big foot jar the ground.
Lady step back and two gents in,
Back you go and forward again.
Step right up with an elbow swing,
Skip to ma Lou my darling.

(Bugs nonchalantly dances away from the brothers towards the jukebox.)

Caller:
Allemande left with the old left hand
Follow through the right an' left grand.

(Bugs removes his disguise while still dancing, dons a floppy hat and grabs
a fiddle.)

Caller:
Meet your honey with a great big smile
Promenade Indian style.

(Bugs unplugs the jukebox with his foot and takes over as the fiddler and
caller, all without missing a beat. The brothers continue to do as the
caller says:)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Promenade across the floor,
Sashay right on outa the door.
Out the door and in to the glade,
And everybody promenade.

(Bugs prances outside, fiddling for all he's worth.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Step right up, you're doin' fine,
I'll pull your beard, you pull mine.
Yank it again, like you did before,
Break it up with a tug o' war.

(The beard tug of war gets the brothers onto a wooden bridge. Bugs snips
their beards with scissors so they lose their grip and fall off of the
bridge into a stream.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Now into the brook and fish for the trout,
Dive right in and splash about.
Trout, trout, pretty little trout,
One more splash and come right out.

(The brothers promenade out of the stream onto dry land, dripping.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Shake like a hound dog, shake again,
Wallow 'round in the ol' pig pen.

(The brothers jump into a nearby hog waller.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Wallow some more, you all know how,
Roll around like an old fat sow.

(The boys stand up in the mud. They both have a pig dance partner now.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Allemande left with your left hand,
Follow through with a right-left grand.
Now lead your partner, the dirty ol' thing,
Follow through with an elbow swing.

(The brothers lose their new partners and return to dry land.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Grab a fence post, hold it tight,
Womp your partner with all your might.
Hit him in the shin, hit him in the head,
Hit him again, the critter ain't dead.
Wop him low and wop him high,
Stick your finger in his eye.
Pretty little rhythm, pretty little sound,
Bang your heads against the ground.

(Bugs continues to fiddle away.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Promenade all around the room,
Promenade like a bride and groom.

(Bugs leads the boys to a hay baler machine. He opens a door in the machine
for them to enter.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Open up the door and step right in,
Close the door and into a spin.
Whirl, whirl, twist and twirl,

(Bugs throws a switch, turning on the baler.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Jump all around like a flyin' squirrel.
Now don't you cuss and don't you swear,
Just come right out and form a square.

(The "output" of the baler is a large toaster. It "pops", and the boys are
ejected as part of two bales of straw. The scene cuts to a meadow. Bugs is
again leading the brothers (who are no longer "baled") with his calling.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Now right hand over and left hand under,
Both join hands and run like thunder.
Over the hill and over the dale,
Duck your head and lift your tail.

(The call, "duck your head" comes in time for the running brothers to avoid
a low-hanging tree branch. "Lift your tail" gets them safely over a rail
fence.)

Bugs:
(Singing.) Don't you stray and don't you roam,
Turn it around and promenade home.

("Turn it around" prevents the boys from running off the edge of a cliff.
They both wipe their brows in relief).

Bugs:
(Singing.) Corn in the crib pen, wheat in the sack,
Turn your partner, promenade back.

(Unfortunately for the brothers, "promenade back" takes them back over the
edge of the cliff. They "walk on air" for a bit before gravity takes over.
Bugs looks over the edge of the cliff at the brothers below. They've landed
at either side of a small stream. He talks to them almost gently:)

Bugs:
And now you're home.
Bow to your partner
Bow to the gent across the hall.

(At the end of their bow, the brothers collapse back into the stream.)

Bugs:
And 'dat is all.

(Bugs ends it with a final fiddle flourish. Iris to black...)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was originally posted to alt.animation.warner-bros by Anthony
Palombella <[email protected]>, and was posted to rec.folk-dancing
in 1994 by Alan Winston <[email protected]>.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Saxe <[email protected]> notes that:

     The Bugs Bunny episode with the square dance sequence, "Hillbilly
     Hare," can be found on a VHS cassette by Warner Home Video titled
     _Bugs Bunny's Hare-Brained Hits_. If you live in this part of the
     world, you can probably pick up a copy at a nearby video store. (Mine
     says, "For Sale or Rental for Private Home Use in the USA and Canada
     Only"--followed by various stern warnings about copyright
     infringement.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This page last modified Tue Apr 2 1996 11:37:24
Rhod Davies ([email protected])
[Rhod's Dance Home Page]  [Dance humour index]

The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes

(No Banjo Pickin' Allowed Around Here)

In September 1991 Darrell Reich <[email protected] > caused severe injury to
many of the readers of rec.folk-dancing as a result of excessive laughter
when he posted this Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. He may have collected
more by now, but I haven't seen sign of them recently. Of course, many of
these are borrowed from orchestras who tell the same jokes about viola
players! I've converted it to HTML and reformatted it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

   * Preface
   * The Jokes
   * Glossary!
   * Epilogue
   * Appendix A: 1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players
   * Appendix B: ten easy steps to better banjo playing...
   * Appendix C: Telling jokes by the numbers...
   * Cartoon Captions
   * Extras

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Preface

Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo Jokes. Much talked
about, but never revealed; until now. This presentation is the result of
the tireless efforts of an international network of operatives who combed
the earth (and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make sure
that this time we had the real thing: the definitive list of banjo jokes.
Some withstood torture--and some paid the ultimate price: death. So
important was our work that we persevered in spite of the obstacles.

  [!]   Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution. Banjo
        jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music, their instrument,
environmentalism, animal rights, human sacrifice, and interplanetary grave
robbing. These jokes has never been told in their entirety because they are
dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in their entirety.
We had to taken great precautions to safeguard our health while compiling
this list: each operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of
the jokes (one not to large as to overcome the individual with so much
mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.) As I typed these jokes, I
was blindfolded: part of the jokes were related in various, and obscure
languages and dialects, other parts written, and still other parts
transmitted in braille or Morse code.

Therefore, I caution you to do the following:

  1. Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if you
     have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.

  2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If you
     find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness, stop
     immediately.

  3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these
     jokes may cause serious health complications.

  4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.

  5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual intercourse while
     reading these jokes.

  6. If you have any questions, please consult a physician before
     attempting to read these jokes.

Are you sure you want to read these jokes?

Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up? Is it really worth
the risks?

     This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to the Complete
     list of 101 Banjokes. These jokes will change (or end) your life. I
     cannot give you any guarantees as to how these jokes will affect you;
     it all depends upon your physical and psychological state (which I
     cannot know.)

Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical List of
Banjo Jokes?

This is you last chance!! I mean it! Stop now before it's too late!

God help you and may the force be with you...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and
incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locals or persons, living
or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Dedicated to the time and place that is the unique lifestyle of the banjo
player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement and freedom
that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy.

What's the difference between a banjo and a....
Chain Saw:
     a chain saw has a dynamic range.
     you can turn a chain saw off.
South American Macaw:
     one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
Harley Davidson Motorcycle:
     you can tune a Harley.
Onion:
     no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
Trampoline:
     you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Uzi:
     an uzi only repeats forty times.

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw it in and four to
     complain that it's electric.
     lament about how much they miss the old one.
     complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thataway.
     argue about what year it was made.
     argue about how much it costs.
     ask what tuning she's using.
     stand around and watch.
Ten:
     one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say, "I could have done
     it better."
none:
     but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
Six:
     One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the
     light.

How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
100:
     One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it...

What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
     Drool...

How can you tell if the stage is level?
     If the banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
     It saves time in the long run.

What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo
player run over on the road?
     You see skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the difference between a run over skunk and a run over banjo player?
     The skunk was on it's way to a gig.

How many banjo players does it take to eat an opossum?
     Two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
     By their names...

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
     Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
     A visitor.

What are flaming guitars good for?
     Setting banjos on fire.
     Kindling.

Why are banjos better than guitars?
     They burn longer.

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
     A flame-thrower.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
     Who cares?!?
     Neither of them is a banjo!

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
     Solitaire.

What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
     A banjo player.
     A joke teller.

How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
     The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.

Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
     So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good
banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?
     You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your
     imagination.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?
     The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

What is the banjo picker's favourite whine?
     Play Duelling Banjos...

Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple?
     That's so bass players can understand them too.

Where do banjo players play best?
     In traffic.
     In a galaxy far, far away...

How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?...

What is the most important aspect of banjo joke telling?
     ...Timing...

How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
     You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you say to the banjo player in the 3 piece suit?
     will the defendant please rise.

What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire
State Building?
     Who Cares...
     Applause.

What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
     Not enough sand.

What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
     A good start.

What will you never say about a banjo player?
     That's the banjo player's Porsche.

How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?
     Shine a light in his ears...

You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish?
     By adjusting it's scales...

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
     They make great anchors!

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
     They make good paddles.

Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?
     So he could park in the handicap zone.

Why did the banjo player cross the road?
     It was the chicken's day off.

What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?
     Their colour of course!

How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
     Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got grapes!

"Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
     "yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before..."

What's the best / fastest way to tune a banjo?
     With wire cutters.

Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo
Players?
     Measles--You can get rid of the Measles.

What should you do if you run over a banjo?
     Back up...

When do banjo songs sound the best?
     When they're over.

Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
     Because they can't pick on their fiddles.

Why does everyone pick on banjo players?
     Because it's so easy!!!

Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players...
     Naaaaaah.

There's not much between you and a fool is there?
     Just a banjo...

Listener: Can you read music?
     Banjo player: not enough to hurt my playing.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my
'gator."

A banjo player walked into a bar...another banjo player walked into the
bar...you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to
the first banjo player and ducked! [under the bar.]

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery,
I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your
hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly
Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
respective professions, ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new
Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, St. Pete
decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the
welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch)
of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least
until the end of time...) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's
getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!" They take
flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to
appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The
Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal
here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? Pete looks at the
pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is
practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions.
We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together.
That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned banjo
player to make it up here!!"

Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend
some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day,
"Hi! What's your IQ?" "150," he said. "Great," said Peter, as he showed the
man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the theory of
relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your IQ?" "120,"
she said. "Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you
Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he
asked, "What's your IQ?" "42," drawled the fellow. "Fantastic!" cried
Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me perform
a banjo duet!"

A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with the smartest kid
in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have you been up to?" he says.
"I'm doing experimental brain research at the Salk Institute," replies the
smart kid. Then, our hero sees another classmate of his, who never was very
smart. He walks over to him and says, "Elroy! How are you doing? I've been
meaning to ask you, what type of picks do you use? Heard any good banjo
jokes lately..."

An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so
that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he
said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to
death he called for all to gather together. "I have one thing I would like
to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough,
wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could
to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the
one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..."

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for fiddle player brain?"
     "2 dollars an ounce."
"How much for mandolin player brain?"
     "3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for guitar player brain?"
     "4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for banjo player brain?"
     "100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
     "Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce
     of brain?"

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players
for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that banjo players are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it
very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

For three years, the young banjo player had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his
lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you
learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she
said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night
talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a banjo player."

Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half playing out
of tune.

Banjo pickers: we tune because we care...

I bought mine tuned.

Banjo players play requests by multiple choice not fill in the blank.

"You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't wipe your
banjo on your pants."

"Anyone can play one of them things--all you need is three fingers and a
plastic head"

The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth floor on a
building--you don't really need one.

Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep playing
or they'll sink...

"Banjos are to music as Spam is to food..."

"He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo--his brain is disconnected..."

Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great!

Second verse same as the first
A little bit faster and a little bit worse.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the
banjo it always comes out so cheerful...

If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play it's folk
music otherwise it's bluegrass.

Some people call it Cripple Creek--but they're wrong!

I used to play on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!

After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play;
however, your neighbours will pay you to stop.

You can either laugh a little faster or I can tell the jokes a little
slower...

"The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams

How bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same damn song for three or four times

Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe see doe

Them banjo pickers talking bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things

Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs
They never do smile they just play Scruggs

You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Glossary

banjopourri: [French; banjo + of pourrir, to rot] a stew, mixture, medley,
miscellany, or anthology of banjos. Coined from potpourri.

stealth banjo player: doesn't have a clue as to how the song goes--tries to
hide behind other musicians.

symbolic bass: got volunteered to play bass in the band but doesn't want to
break a fingernail.

zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight faced under a large
cowboy hat.

Epilogue

I [Darrell] started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 while
preparing for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar & Mandolin Contest.
Summertime is the perfect weather for jamming. The New Expression music
store had their annual camp out to start the summer off and by August, I
hit every bluegrass club meeting in greater San Diego County.

Then one night it happened, I was invited to a jam at a friend's house so I
grabbed my banjo and a strawberry pie, called another banjo player and
invited him to join us and was off. Well, there were so many banjo players
at the jam that night that one of the bass players started with the banjo
jokes (some of which sound a lot like recycled lawyer jokes.)

I tried to forget them and failed so I started writing them down but my
attempts to regain my sanity were in vain. At least with this I can
practice getting the jokes right or just call them off by number. My quest
for the perfect banjo joke had begun. The consequences of this have far out
reached any expectations I could have had at the time.

At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and New Expression banjo workshop
since I have eagerly interrogated the other banjo players and bluegrassers
for new jokes. I asked the band at the pizza parlour before they went on
and they started telling jokes in between songs. By then I knew all the
answers and my name was becoming synonymous with banjo jokes!

I posted my jokes to the folk music and humour news groups of the Usenet
electronic computer network which is sent around the world via the National
Science Foundation Internet computer network and got a reply from banjo
pickers from as far away as England and Scotland. These jokes go out to the
members of the Slow-Jam and end up in the North County Bluegrass & Folk
Music Club newsletter which goes out and ends up...this is great I get
people mailing me banjo jokes from all over the place.

I sent a copy of my joke collection to the Bluegrass Special and the dj
read some on the air for anyone who was awake on Sunday night at 11:24 pm.
It was finals week and it really made my day to hear my name on the radio.
People have started to recognise me at bluegrass jams around town as "the
guy with all the dumb banjo jokes."

#1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in the June 1991 issue of the
San Diego Bluegrass Club newsletter says "Darrell Reich always has a new
one. (two words)" [nine letters.]
#1. Across is "That high lonesome sound...."

I usually start jamming with the joke of the week to warm up. One of the
nicest compliments I've gotten is when someone told me, "Hey Darrell, I
thought you just carried that thing [my banjo] around and told jokes all
day but you're actually pretty good!" [at playing the banjo not telling
jokes.] I had just told all my jokes and then jumped in with Whiskey Before
Breakfast, the song I picked to play at Julian this year.

The critics [non-banjo players] say, "you would have to be a banjo player
to enjoy these jokes--I'm sure you and the boys are still laughing..." and
it's true fer sure!

So, this is it, my 101 banjo jokes, The Canonical List, numbered and
illustrated complete with preface, disclaimer, dedication, glossary,
epilogue, and appendices, perfect to just stuff in your case so you'll
never be without a comment on stage or at a jam. Even by yourself--you'll
always have a reason to smile. Enjoy. Keep those cards and letters coming!
I've got one more year of college before I've got to go and get a real job
[the banjo player for Apple Computers Inc.?!?] If I had to do it all over
again, I'd make the same mistake....

Darrell Reich <[email protected]> [That was his address in 1991, it may be
dead by now!]

Appendix A: 1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players

  1. Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest banjo players.
  2. Taking of banjo players with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
     of currency as bait is prohibited.
  3. Killing of banjo players with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
     struck, remove dead banjo player to the roadside and proceed to the
     nearest car wash.
  4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo players from snow
     machine, hay wagon, helicopter, or aircraft.
  5. It shall be unlawful to shout "jam", "bluegrass", or "free pizza" for
     the purpose of trapping banjo players.
  6. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 100 meters of Jeep
     or Ford Dealerships.
  7. It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100 bills, or banjo PA
     system sales to attract banjo players.
  8. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 200 meters of
     acoustic music stores, bluegrass club meetings, parking lot picking
     sessions, pizza parlours, or Radio Shack stores.
  9. If a banjo player is appointed to a government position of senior
     responsibility, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess them.
 10. Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state health department
     inspection for AIDS, rabies, and hoof-and-mouth disease.
 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
     drug dealer, female banjo player, pizza delivery person, talent scout,
     girl scout, sheep, illegal provider of copyrighted music, bookie, or
     tax accountant for the purpose of hunting banjo players.

Bag Limits

 yellow bellied sidewinder 2  reputable banjo players  Extinct
 two faced banjo players   1  banjo joke teller        2
 back stabbing frailer     1  brown nose picker        1
 big nosed singer          3  tab pirate               2

Appendix B: ten easy steps to better banjo playing

                         The Doc Stock Banjo Method
                       or Any jerk can play the banjo
                            so why not you too?
                             by Jim Rosenstock

Lesson 1: Beat It!

The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too
gently. True, musical instruments require great care and special handling,
but banjos should not be confused with these. There are three basic licks
that are used in playing the banjo: the hit (abbreviated h in tablature),
the harder hit (H), and the beat (B). Learn these three licks, and soon
you'll be able to play anything! Remember -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again,
harder, harder!

Lesson 2: Stage Presence

A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the
impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be
avoided at all costs--you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While
playing on stage, you should:

  1. slouch,
  2. drool,
  3. pick nose,
  4. bump fiddler,
  5. cross eyes,
  6. pour beer on self, and/or
  7. stare off into space.

The more you can do at once, the better.

Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo

Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're
a banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic
ways to tune a banjo:

With a tuning fork:
     Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear bell-like tone.
     Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.
With an electric tuner:
     Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with first method.
With a fiddle:
     Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.

Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature

It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time
music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune. It's an even
better-kept secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same. Tablature
is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve
music on paper. Avoid all tablature--you will get nowhere as a banjo player
by imitating musicians.

Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret(tm), pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing

Just say, "Why not?"

Lesson 6: Playing with Musicians

Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You
should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo
player or two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound
great by contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start
jamming!

Lesson 7: Banjo Paraphernalia

A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be
out of tune in any other key.

A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This
is really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper
stickers?

A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to
which is responsible for the odour.

Beer is the experienced banjo player's favourite liquid to spill on the
dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through
the kidneys first.

Lesson 8: Name That Tune

As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the
same. It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know
this, so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in
the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the
Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog
Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post,
Water on the Knee.

Lesson 9: Three Myths Dispelled

Myth Number 1:
     It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
Fact:
     The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard
     work.

Myth Number 2:
     You can make good money playing the banjo.
Fact:
     People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.

Myth Number 3:
     Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact:
     This is only true if you never go anywhere.

Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune

----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H--------
--h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------
---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H----
-----------h-----------h----------h----------------
------------------------------------------------B--
h=hit it! H=hit it harder!        B=beat it!

This article was reprinted from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog,
Julie Mangin, editor. Contact Julie <[email protected]> for details
of subscriptions.

Appendix C: Telling jokes by the numbers...

A tabloid reporter went to the annual banjo joke teller's convention to
report on it for her newspaper. Part of the convention was a joke
competition. The first comedian came out and said, "Number 236." The crowd
burst out laughing.

The next comedian walked on stage and said, "Number 1265." A round of
laughter gripped the audience. Some of the people around the reporter even
fell out of their chairs.

Another one came out and said, "Number 876." The chuckling lasted for
minutes. The confused reporter turned to the person seated next to her and
asked, "I don't get it. Why are they just saying numbers?" The guy replied,
"Well, we know all the jokes by numbers, so all the competitors have to do
is give the number."

The next comedian came out and said, "Number 834." Silence. Not even a
guffaw... The reporter asked, "What happened?" "Some people just don't know
how to tell a joke."

The next comedian came out and said, "Number 1254." The audience erupted
with raucous laughter. More hysterics than any of the previous comedians.
The reporter asked, "What happened?" "That was a joke we had never heard
before."

Cartoon Captions

[I'm afraid that I only have the captions, if anyone can scan the pictures
we can put them together]

From The Far Side Cartoons:

     wait, wait what's that sound, what's that sound...
     Devil: Here's your room Mistro...

     Doctor, doctor, I've come all the way from Alabama with this thing
     stuck on my knee...

The Compulsive Lyre (Harp) "no, no I'm a banjo..."

The New Slow-Jam Logo a turtle playing the banjo wearing sunglasses.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Extras

These are some extras that I [Rhod] have come across. Share and enjoy:

"Frets ain't nothing but speed bumps on a banjo..."

A gentleman is someone who can play the banjo, but doesn't.

What is the difference between a banjo and a ukelele.
     A banjo takes longer to burn.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This page last modified Tue Apr 9 1996 10:35:52
Rhod Davies ([email protected])
[Rhod's Dance Home Page]  [Dance humour index]

>748 more lines.... 

748?????????  My Shawn I think you need more work on your hands!

    
    	I didn't type it in ... all I had to do was extract it and post
    	it.
    

    
            CONSUMER REPORTS REVIEWS GIRLFRIENDS 

 
    Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports
 reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972).  Since then, styles have 
 changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for
 girlfriends has changed substantially.  So we here at CU decided 
 another report was needed.
 
    As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you
 need a girlfriend for before obtaining one.  This will, in large
 part, dictate the final product which you should consider.  Do you 
 want an intellectual companion?  A baby factory?  A hiking
 partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?  Identifying 
 your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a 
 girl- friend.
 
    The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, 
 how much you are able to spend..  This is largely determined by
 your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good
 looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, 
 you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model.
 On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester 
 clothes, your choices are more limited.  Keep your purchasing
 power in mind when considering your selection.  Although the
 salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does 
 not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the
 required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time. 
 
 Used vs. New?
 
 -------------
    A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether 
 to get a new or a used girlfriend.  The answer to this question 
 will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in
 the following table:
 
      Your age        Used or New
      --------        -----------
      1-12 years      (see note A)
      13-16 years     New
      17-21 years     Used, but not used up 
      22-35 years     Used heavily
      35-60 years     New (see note B) 
      60+             (see note A)
 
      Notes: 
      ------ 
      A:     Seek psychiatric help!
      B:     Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. 
             Otherwise, "divorced".
 
    New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous 
 bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they 
 will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account.
 Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable
 performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises 
 that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage 
 (2.1 SO's/yr).  Much greater than the average may be an
 indication that the girlfriend was a professional. 
 
 Accessories
 -----------
    Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a
 tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high 
 markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. 
 Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as
 models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 
 10 miles while chanting sanskrit.  In such cases you should make 
 a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note
 that some accessories (such as children) can be added later,
 while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed. 
 
 The Test Ride
 -------------
    When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential.  The 
 test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which 
 can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to 
 the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the 
 arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you,
 Faith!").  CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look
 better."  Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and 
 acceleration.  The two questions you want to answer are: how
 fast, and how far?  Examine the detailing.  Does the bosom sag? 
 Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
 
 Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
 -----------------------
    Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, 
 and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model 
 and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory 
 is an option.  Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years
 (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the
 usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
 factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway. 
 
 Methodology
 -----------
    Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test 
 engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. 
 All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test
 facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and 
 at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility.  A
 series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according 
 to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
 initiative, looks, and performance. 
 
 Results
 -------
    Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. 
 Within each category, variation is not statistically significant. 
 
      Category        Comments
      --------       ---------------------------------------------------

      Goddess:        This is the woman of your dreams.  She comes
                      equipped with all the options you want and none of
                      the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of
                      philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, 
                      understand what you mean even if you don't say it,
                      and break a bed.  No mental or physical hang-ups. 
                      The drawback is that this model is not actually
                      available.
 
      Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes 
                      with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic 
                      ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father,
                      and a bratty kid.  This model tends to generate grey
                      hairs.
      
      Ms. Right:      The best all-around choice for most girlfriend
                      situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
                      Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair 
                      color.  Other than that, an excellent long-term
                      investment.  Availability is extremely limited but
                      can occasionally be found with luck.

      Babe:           This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all 
                      the options.  Unfortunately this model lacks
                      cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable
                      for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not
                      for your long-term girlfriend needs. 
 
      Friend:         The model with the most empathy..  Caring and kind
                      but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability
                      is poor to fair, depending on quality. 
 
      Yeah, Her:      The Ford Escort of girlfriends.  Widely
                      available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a 
                      pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be 
                      spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish. 
 

         Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting! 





% ====== Internet headers and postmarks (see DECWRL::GATEWAY.DOC) ======
% Date: Sat, 14 Dec 1996 23:09:06 -0500
% Subject: Fwd: Comsumer Reports:Girlfriends
------- End of Forwarded Message

    	Made me laugh...
    
    j

    > >THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
    > >
    > >
    > > Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
    > >
    > > Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
    > >
    > > "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
    > >
    > > Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
    > >
    > > Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
    > >
    > > Hand me that....uh...that uh....thingie.
    > >
    > > Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
    > >
    > > Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
    > >
    > > Darn, there go the lights again...
    > >
    > > "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of
    > >'em.
    > >
    > > Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    > >
    > > Could you stop that thing from beating?  It's throwing my
    concentration
    > >off..
    > >
    > > What's this doing here?
    > >
    > > I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
    > >
    > > That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
    > >
    > > I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
    > >
    > > Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
    > >
    > > Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
    > >
    > > What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change....!
    > >
    > > Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
    > >
    > > And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of
    the
    > >ape.
    > >
    > > OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
    > >nature.
    > >
    > > This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
    > >
    > > Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
    > >
    > > Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    > >
    > > What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
    > >
    > > She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
    > >
    > > FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
    > >
    > > Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing >>
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >

1. You can get chocolate.
2. When you have chocolate it does not keep up your neighbors.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts to hard, the chocolate does not mind.
8. The word commitment does not scare off chocolate.
9. You can have chocolate during work hours without upsetting your workmates.
10.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
11.You do not get hairs in your mouth from chocolate.
12.There is no need to fake it with chocolate.
13.Chocolate does not make you pregnant.
14.Good chocolate is hard to find.
15.You can have as many types of chocolate as you can handle.
16.You are never to young or old for chocolate.
17.With chocolate size does not matter,its always good.

I am leaving out 3 that might offend...

        Harry I knew if I held out long enough you'd post that..
    
    bb

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season.

Suddenly Bill grabs Hilliary by the collar and throws her onto the field.

The stunned umpire shouts to Bill, 

"No Mr. President! I said, "Throw the first PITCH!"

    I *like* Hillary...   and she's a lot  prettier than BobDull
    and NewtGrinch
    
    /b

    
    	Yeah, for an old lady she's quite the babe.
    

Good joke Harry. Old, but still good.

I'm sure Hill would be thrilled to know that she's considered 
more attractive than Bob Dole.

Prettier than Bob Dole. Bruce you certainly are a charmer.

�       <<< Note 54.34 by SALEM::DODA "Don't make me come down there..." >>>

� Prettier than Bob Dole. Bruce you certainly are a charmer.
    
    You don't know the half  of  it....  I'll bet she's prettier than
    you, too...
    
    /b

I think that may depend on who you ask.

    re: .36 by SALEM::DODA
    
    >> Bill & Hill : Dual Airbags
    
    Now a trio...  Bill, Hill, Chels

    
    Perhaps we could hold a vote.
    
    
    Daryll	Hillary
    prettier	prettier
    ------	------- 
    

Don't start.

           Heck that ones easy... Guys aren't pretty so Hillary beats him
    hands down. Daryll is however handsome whereas Hillary isn't ;-)
    
    bb

She could, however, probably kick my butt in arm wrestling.

	Have you heard that Kentucky Fried Chicken is coming out with
	"The Hillary Dinner"??

	2 small breasts
	2 large thighs
	2 left wings


							mike

    re .42
    
    snark!
    
    Actually.. I stopped eating that KFC crap when I heard it was making
    people pregnant. You know... it's finger licking good... then one thing
    leads to another....

    	The proper debate would be - who has nicer eyes - not who's
    prettier :-)
    
    joyce

         My boss was just in my office.. Anyone see the flaming sheep yet??
    It flies accross the screen and lands in a shower where the fire is
    exstinguished.. He was laughing so I'm safe.. 
    
    bob

    	Yep, drove Barb crazy cause I saw it, but she didn't :-)
    
    joyce

But I have seen it now!  ;-)

And the black sheep, and the spaceship and the martian and the flowers!  ;-)

         And lions and tigers and bears OH MY!!
    
    ;-)
    
    bb

    Have you seen the sheep blush?

    
    	The sheep appears to be sleeping now.
    
    	I woke him up when the pointer got too close.
    

    
    	In the last five minutes I've seen:
    
    	Sheep eats flower and then sneezes
    	Flaming sheep dives into bathtub
    	Black sheep
    

         Now you know what to do if you have trouble sleeping at night..
    Count electronic sheep ;-)
    
    bb

    
    	I brought SHEEP.EXE home on a disk and loaded and ran it and
    	turned on the sound, and it scared the CRAP out of me the first
    	time it made a noise ... because it doesn't do it all the time.
    
    	This is just the cutest thing.
    

    
    	Ummm, it just urinated on my task bar.

    	Yep - it does the darndest things :-)
    
    joyce

    re .54
    
    The sheep obviously has the same opinion of Windows that I do :-)
    
    Urinate away Mr. Sheep

    
    
    
    
    I just *had* to post this... it's a tad off color but it's so cute :-) 
    
    The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs.  As he is finishing his speech
    on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
    "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
    "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."
    "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey
    questions.
    "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
    "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere
    in the world?"
    "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
    the world."
    And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting,
    "Dopey did a penguin, Dopey did a penguin."

    James, just seeing your personal name reminded me.
    
    When I was first pregnant with Angeline and her father and I
    were still together, I was going to have her have his last
    name, Rapa.  
    
    Well, when it got to picking names, we were saying for a girl
    we would name her Candy.  (figure we're from New England...
    the words wrapper and Rapa sound the same ;-) ).   If it was
    a boy we were going to name him Bubba with the middle name
    Gum.  :-)  :-) 
    						cj *->
    
    p.s.
    For the record, Angeline's last name is Jacques ;->
    

    re .58
    
    that is *so* cute. I'd never do it to my kids... but it's still cute
    :-)
    
    Hopefully Angeline inherits some of her mom's personality... not all..
    just enough to make her lovable to everyone.
    
    James

         cj!! you wouldn't have would you???
    
         I went to school with a Marsha Mellow. Poor girl took a ribbing
    all of the time.
    
    bb

�         I went to school with a Marsha Mellow. Poor girl took a ribbing
�    all of the time.
    
    might even say she was toast!

     No actually she was well protected her best friend's dad was the chief
    of police in Arlington. Guess I shoulda spelled her name Marcia ;-)
    silly me..
    
    bob

    Come on guys!  Of course I wouldn't do that!  It was all in
    fun.  I thought Candy Rapa sounded like a stripper's name. :-)
    
    No, I wanted Angeline from the start (well, after he totally nixed
    Jillian Claire).  
    
    And James, she is a totally lovable girl, with a whole lot of her
    MaMa's personality.  Not always a good thing, but she's smart as
    a whip and I like that in her.  And what a FLIRT!  Who knows *where*
    that comes from!!!!!!  ;->
    					cj *->
                                              

CJ,

	Angeline or Develine if she takes after you.
But , I think this is a good thing. She will not be
shy, quiet, or bad with numbers. Remember, you are
still ahead of me on "the scoreboard". Hope you
are feeling better. I had the sore throat, caughing
thing all week also. It is good to see you branching
out from jinxing heating systems to spreading illness..

Happy Birthday again Barb, I wish I had a clone of my own.
so I could be at your party. 

Have a great weekend evryone!!!!

Bob, thanx for the chuckle. 
What is the last thing the tickle me Elmo doll gets
before leaving the factory?????

Two test tickles...........

     >>PRISON VS. FULL-TIME JOB

     >>* In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At
     work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. >>

     >>* In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break
     for one meal and you have to pay for that one. >>

     >>* In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get
     rewarded for good behavior with more work.
     >>
     >>* At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the
     doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for
     you. >>

     >>* In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired
     for watching TV and playing games.
     >>
     >>* In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work
     you're just ball-and-chained.
     >>
     >>* In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. >>
     * In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you
     can't even speak to your family and friends.

     >>* In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
     required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go work and then
     they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
     >>
     >>* In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from
     the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time
     wanting to get out and go to bars.
     >>
     >>* In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any
     time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. >>
     >>
     * In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have project
     managers.
     >

    
    Where is the joke about the Heavens Gate'r found under the sink?????
    
    I know I saw it in this file somewhere...

            <<< WAYLAY::DKA200:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SINGLES_CHAT.NOTE;5 >>>
                       -< A place for gabby single folk >-
================================================================================
Note 25.454                       MISCELLANEOUS                       454 of 457
ORION::KENYON "what about awe and wonder?"           13 lines  24-APR-1997 08:47
                             -< a little laugh... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    
    I got this in the email today  (-; 
    
    40TH BODY FOUND!
    
    Apparently one of the less astute members of the cult
    was found under the kitchen sink
    
    ...behind the Comet.

    
    Thank You very Much!
    

>Subject: A True Story.
>     
>        Farmington Hills, Michigan, USA.
>     
>     Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and 
>     has 400+ dollar monthly payments.  He immediately gets a hold of 
>     his friend and they go do some male bonding.  They go duck 
>     hunting, but at this time of year all of the lakes are frozen.
>     
>     These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the 
>     beer and of course the new vehicle.  They drive out onto the lake 
>     ice and get ready.  Now, they want to make some kind of a natural 
>     landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. 
>     Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough 
>     to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and 
>     land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice 
>     hole drill.
>     
>     Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of 
>     dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.
>     
>     Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if 
>     they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far 
>     from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they 
>     take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the 
>     burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting 
>     blast.  So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw 
>     the dynamite which is what they end up doing.
>     
>     Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the 
>     vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog.  A 
>     highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things 
>     thrown by the owner.
>     
>     You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed 
>     on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 
>     second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 
>     2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the 
>     hell to do now.
>     
>     The dog is happily performing its doggy duty, bouncing towards 
>     them with the sizzling stick of dynamite, when one of the guys 
>     starts to think, something that he has never done before this 
>     moment. He grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog.  The shotgun is 
>     loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab 
>     on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, stung and 
>     bewildered, and then continues on. Another shot and this time the 
>     dog, still standing, becomes really alarmed & now scared, 
>     thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes 
>     off to find cover, with the now really short  fuse burning on 
>     this stick of dynamite.
>     
>     The cover the dogs finds?  Underneath the brand new Grand 
>     Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle 
>     sitting on the lake ice.
>     
>     BOOM !
>     
>     Dog dies and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 
>     400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake 
>     leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe 
>     standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on 
>     their faces.
>     
>     Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which 
>     tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of 
>     explosives is not covered.  He had yet to make the first of those 
>     400+ a month payments.
>     
>     Still doesn't seem like adequate payback for what they did to 
>     that dog, though. When they made the movie Fargo they should have 
>     waited a few more months and this could have been added into it.
>     

    .70 - 
    
    (-;  that caught me off guard... thanks for the laugh.. (-;
    
    

Today's Farside!!

A living room with an open box sitting on a low coffee table.  A dog has it's
front paws up on the table and it's snout in the box.  There's a kitchen off the
back of the living room in which there is a scarecrow on the phone.

The caption...

"Yeah, I just got back!  And the wizard I mentioned?  He gave me a new brain!...
It's on the coffee table as we speak!"

;-)