Conference waylay::singles_chat

<from note 46>

On the role of beauty and handsomeness in love:

> "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in
> your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."  Anita C.,
> age 8

> "It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me.  I'm
> handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to
> marry me yet."      Brian, age 7

> "Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a long
> time."  Christine, age 9



;-)

B

         This note has been idle for awhile... I think Carol had a very
    good question. ie: what makes you weak in the knees.
    
         Obviously a drop dead gorgeous woman ;-)
         
         But beyond looks I think really connecting with someone and
    feeling "WOW I feel like I've know this person my whole life!"
    Wel I suppose that gives you those wonderful butterflies as well
    as weakness in the knees.
    
         Getting a rose or card from anonymous. Hey mystery and intrigue
    make this guy weak kneed. 
    
         Sometimes just being noticed by someone.. I had an instance in the
    coffee line in the cafe. Where an attractive woman gave me the up and
    down 2 or 3 times then had a devilish grin on her face.. Hmm weak knees
    and a bit of a blush from me.. I don't consider myself overly
    handsome.. Which is probably why I clown around in here so much. Gotta
    do somethin to mask that bit of insecurity..
    
         Weak in the knees.. The first time you gently reach over and
    attempt to hold hands and she gives you a shy smile..  Ahh I better 
    stop I'm giving myself butterflies....
    
    bb
         

    The "YOU MAKE ME HOT, LOOK'S" eventually get old. when you are with
    someone for a length of time the VISUAL INFATUATION DOES WARE OFF!!!!!
    any one who say's no is full of horse shi* 
    
    What really matters is friction and timing
    
                                     leon

    	Well, I'll jump in and argue that one in .-1. How long does it take
    to wear off, Leon? My first wife and I grew apart, but I never stopped
    thinking she was attractive. I *still* think she's an attractive woman.
    I've been with my second wife now for almost 3 years, and I think she
    looks hotter every time I look at her. She worries about her age and
    her weight, and I don't know what she's worrying about because she just
    looks better to me all the time. I think when the strong emotional and
    loving bond is there between two people, then the physical attraction
    is not only there but goes well beyond your short-lived infatuations.
    I'll report back in 15-20 years and let you know if I still feel that
    way.

    This is a real hot button for me...
    
    I was married for 11 years and my ex divorced me because he felt I was
    "too fat" ... for him the relationship was over 6 years before he ended
    it by taking up with someone else, 5'2" and petite.. 
    so, it happens, and it hurts...     
    
    If the visual is all you base your attraction on, then the relationship
    will end... there is so much more to love than sex...
    
    
    

          I agree 100% Kathleen. Anyone so hung up on looks is being
    awfully shallow. 
    
    bb

    	Big difference between "in fatuation" and "in love" to me anyway,
    the "infatuation" is usually physical only (very good looking person)
    the "in love" is when there's physical and emotional chemistry...
    
    	Yeah we're all attracted to great looking people, but if there's 
    nothing inside, it fades (or you're really shallow and appearance is 
    all that matters).
    
    	When you're "in love" they're spendid even when their hair is in 12
    directions :-)
    
    joyce

          Or even when their hair all falls out ;-)
    
          On the weight thing... I've had times when I felt I've been
    shunned by other women because I'm slender.. Or becuase I'm bald.
    Certainly neither thing is directly under my control. I suppose if
    I stopped running and otherwise working out I'd maybe put on 10-15
    pounds... But it does feel good to be in shape.. 
    
          bb
          

    
    >>If the visual is all you base your attraction on, then the relationship
    >>will end... there is so much more to love than sex...
    
    Agreed, but let me put a different spin on this, while being careful
    not to say anything that I don't really mean:
    
    There are almost as many different kinds of sex as there are different
    kinds of love (or ways to prepare shrimp, if you're a Gump fan).  I
    think that a fundamental problem is equating certain visual cues with
    the expectation of great sex.  Sex can be a very big part of a
    relationship without invalidating the relationship, if the participants
    have realistic expectations.  If I expect that the only great sex I'll
    ever have is with someone who looks like Kim Basinger, then I'll likely
    be self-limited and disappointed.  
    
    And from the other side of the gender gap:  Back when I was more
    in-shape than I am now, the lady I was with always made me feel like
    she was doing me a favor.  After acquiring the body I currently occupy,
    I was with a lady who always made me feel like she considered me a
    valued gift.  It was a LOT of fun doing what I could to live up to
    that. :-)
    
    Tony

    
    Do any of you feel that caring more about a person seems to make that
    person more attractive in your eyes?
    
    
    ???

    Absolutely Jan!  I've always said that!   It also makes you
    care less and less how they would appear in someone else's 
    eyes, too...and sometimes even more.
    
    I remember one man I was with for a long time.  Not the best
    looking man you've seen, believe me.  But there was something
    about him that just grabbed me.  And I'll be real honest, for
    a while I found myself thinking I was the only one who could
    see it.  I felt I wouldn't have to be jealous when he was "out 
    and about".   
    
    The more I cared about him, the more I worried that *anyone* could 
    see and feel the same way and I did not feel quite so secure.   Now 
    I see that my own thought process was shallow even as I didn't care 
    that he was homely.
    
    							cj *->

    definitely...  we've all been conditioned to accept external,
    arbitrary, culturally defined standards of "beauty."  As we come
    to know a persons, our internal filters open up, and we start
    seeing the other more as they truly are...
    
    and it works  both ways...  people  who [believe] that they don't
    meet the external standards very often  tighten up physically,
    so that they exude pain and stress...  as they begin to feel 
    comfortable, and loved, they tend to loosen up and let their
    natural beauty shine through...  I noticed this when I was
    taking pictures... there are some people who know that they
    just "take lousy pictures," so whenever a camera was around,
    they freeze up and guess what? they take a lousy picture...
    If I could just get them to trust me, to feel comfortable with
    me, I could get a much better picture, that they were much more
    likely to feel comfortable with...
    
    /bruce

    	So Bruce are you coming to Barb's party to take the next set of
    singles_chat party pictures?  :-)
    
    	I agree, the longer you know someone the more attractive they get.
    
    joyce

         re:55 Why of course Jan.. When you truly care about someone as cj
    put so well you see things in them that other people don't see. Also 
    when you're really in love not just lusting after somone I think you
    exude an air of self confidence that makes you more attractive. 
               
    bb 

�    	So Bruce are you coming to Barb's party to take the next set of
�    singles_chat party pictures?  :-)
    
    I may actually be able to make this gathering...
    but I'm not doing any photography right now...
    
    /b

    	S'ok - I'm sure Barb still has her camera...
    
    joyce

    
       After some thought I am replying to 18.49,50,51.
    The three of you have got allot of "balls" pointing a finger and labeling
    me a person who "has short lived infatuations(.49),If the visual is
    all you base your attraction on the relationship will end.(.50)" 
      and that I am a person who bases relationships on look's and sex.
    I believe you read allot more into my comment and it was taken out of
    context. As for my thought's,feelings and attractions they are mine and 
    I will not be judged by you!!!  YOU DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT ME
    
        As for note 18.50 "I agree Kathaleen anyone so hung up on looks is
    being awfully shallow"
    
         pokey smurf, if you must must make a observation/comment directed
    at me I suggest you get off of kathaleen's coat tale and do it!
    
                                              love Leon
    
       

    	In .48 Leon said the same thing so many of us has said - it isn't
    what you look like - its who you are and the chemistry between you...
    
    joyce

    
    Hi Leon,
    
    I wasn't commenting on you as a person.  I was commenting on what you
    said.   Yeah, people do change physically, but if the relationship 
    is what it should be, then it won't matter.
    
    What you said and how you said it just hit too close to home for me.
    Like I said "this is a big hot button for me"... 
    
    Kathleen                                         
        
    
      

         Hey Leon,,
    
      I also wasn't commenting directly to you either.. You've taken what
    you felt was directed at you out of context.. Fact is my response
    was based purely on Kathleen's note.. So I guess I was riding on her
    coatails not realizing she may or may not have been responding to
    another note??
      We've all had ahem if I might use the word relationships based at 
    first purely on lust..As I've grown older though I tend to be more 
    of the type that's more concerned with what's inside. 
    
          Bob

    	I think we all latched on to different things we said, and some
    taken out of context, and ended up in violent agreement. Hey, it's the
    DEC way. I originally focused on a line from Leon's note about how the
    physical attraction part of a relationship will wear off. What he was
    trying to say, I now believe, is that if you're talking strictly
    infatuation and that's all there is, it'll eventually wear off, and
    you'll have nothing. I thought he was saying that the physical
    attraction part of *any* relationship wears off eventually and argued
    that point. So, Leon, I think you can calm down now. I think we all
    agree.