| This is a tough, tough issue. I used to be a HC in charge of the
singles programs in our Stake. The basic message we were getting back
from singles was that, as a Church, we needed to make sure that OTHER
Church programs were addressing the needs of singles as well as for
couples and families. More, it was often NOT a good idea to "single
out" singles with respect to activities but to incorporate singles
(make sure activities have something to offer them). I remember also
getting some reports of emphasis on addressing the spiritual needs of
singles rather than trying to provide opportunities for dating -- many
of them were NOT looking for the Church to play matchmaker and resented
attempts (whether percieved or real) on the part of Church leaders to
get them married.
That said, as was pointed out, singles often DO want to marry and marry
within the Church. So, it is probably frustrating (often on top of
other frustrations unique to singles) when the way has apparently not
been provided by the Church. We're facing a dilemma.
I don't know of a singles network within the Church. However, if I
were suddenly single, I would probably start by contacting my ward or
branch single adult leaders. I might work my way up to Stake leaders
to see what they might know about in my area. Being a single guy, I'd
ask out lots of single sisters and date a lot. But, for sisters this
approach conflicts with society's rule that the men ask the women out
and NOT vice versa.
So, how can a sister date a faithful single Priesthood holder without
being thought of as forward or desparate? Tough call. I don't know
the answer. I suppose that there is no general rule. If I were a
single Priesthood holder (and too shy to ask someone out), I would be
thrilled if I was asked out by a lady. I wouldn't mind being asked to
pay for dinner and a movie for both of us. But, that's just me. I
think it all depends on who the people are. I would also respond well
to some sort of group date (breakfast, movie, bowling, whatever).
True experience that might add value here. Shortly after I got back
from my mission I got a job in another state and found myself at a
ward singles dance. I look and feel silly when I dance, so I planned
on being a wallflower. The female YSA leader asked me for a dance.
I refused. Next tune, she asked me again. I knew I would look and
feel like a fool dancing. But, now I felt like I'd be an even bigger
fool if I turned down the offer for a dance from a pretty girl *twice*.
I made sure that I danced with every girl at the dance that night and
at other dances they had later on. Later, I got to go on a date with her
and let her know what a positive influence she was on me. She
expressed interest in a relationship, but I was still too timid because
she had guys falling all over her. (As I recall, I had heard she was
planning to get married at the time. I didn't know that it was a
relationship that was apparently breaking up, so I missed the signal.)
Even then, she helped me to see that my problem was that I needed to be
more assertive in asking girls out on dates.
I learned my lesson and knew what I needed to work on next. Later, when I
went to BYU I dated a different girl about every week. I dated a lot,
but it was very innocent. By the time I met my wife, I knew what I wanted
in marriage. We've been married now for over 10 years. I'll always
appreciate how the femaile YSA leader helped pull me out of my shell.
Steve
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| Hi! Me again ... Actually, she was young and pretty, but that kind of
misses the point. Had she not been so young and not so pretty, she
would still have had profound affect on me. :) (Then again, I'm a
really nice guy, so take that for what it's worth ...)
Steve
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| re: 1 & 3 and 2
2 - thanks Ann 8-)) !!!
1 & 2
Thanks a lot Steve for your input , it does offer some insights ...
One of my best friends (male) told me once that I should ask people
(men) out or to dance etc if I think I'm interested, because guys
are just as shy as women and sometimes they may be wanting the same
thing but can't bring themselves to asking etc ...(fear of rejection
etc ...)
I have tried this approach at times, and it has been fun for the
most part, but the problem is the oportunity of meeting MORE
"elligible" (according to my standards ...of course) LDS single
men. The good ones seem to be taken, or do not go to singles
activities ...and I know that I won't meet them by chance in bars
(which I do not do, for obvious reasons ... 8-))) !!!).
You are right when you summarized that some of the singles are not
asking the Church to do match-making, we just want the oportunity to
meet others, and it's difficult in areas where we are a religious
minority ...
I continue to have a positive and uplifted attitude in spite of it
all ....
Thanks again, Ihope others will also have inputs and suggestions...
I'm considering starting a network myself because I suspect that
many others are in my case ...
May the Lord bless you
your sister in the Gospel
Mathilde
|
| Me again. I'm a bit hesitant to share this, but I also know of a
single sister who got fed up and went bar hopping. Her goal? To meet
a good, single man who could join the Church and then marry her. Wild
plan and I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND IT! However ...
She found the nicest guy you could ever meet. He happened to work at
the same facility I did, so we got to be good friends. He absolutely
embraced the church -- and they eventually got married. Excellent,
excellent people.
Before he joined, he was very, very concerned that he join because he
had now developed a testimony and not just because he was in love with
her. I took that as a good sign and up through the time I had to move
away they seemed to be doing fine.
Steve
|
| re .5
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's nice to hear a different sound.
I'm still going to singles activities in the church but have started
going to other singles dances etc because I know that oportunity will
not just come knocking at my door.
I am still seriously considering starting and LDS singles network
with a newsletter with ads about up-coming conferences in various
parts of the country (inasmch as I get information from others...!)
and singles ad.
I'm not ready with it yet, but will be working on it and doing a
presentation at a conference in July, just to get a feedback from
my single peers and I will also write to the G.A.'s for their
comments and feelings about it, because I hope that there will be
interest from various areas of the US and Canada.
As it is written in the Coran (no ... this is NOT a new LDS
scripture......!!! 8-)) ! "... if the mountain does not come to
Mohammed, then Mohammed goes to the mountain..."
My prayer would be that Church members and the Church as an
organization, try to be more mindful of the needs of singles of
all ages in the Church and especially for those with children
who indeed have special needs.
Thanks again for your loving input and sharing of yourself.
your sister in the Gospel
Mathilde
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