Conference tecrus::mormonism

    Here is a humorous Missionary story. 
    
    My friend Steve spent his mission in England.  As he left the US
    for his mission, he had many fears, misgivings, anxieties, etc.
    He hoped it would be very successful, but was fearful he might fail.
    
    When he stepped off the plane and into the terminal he was immediately
    taken by a bill board message which reassured him and dispelled
    his fears.  It said:
    
    	TAKE COURAGE!
    
    Nothing more, nor less was stated.  He saw this message as intended
    to bolster his courage and confidence.  This message, he said, set
    the tone for his whole mission effort.
    
    Later, he found out Courage is the name of an English beer!
    
    

    I was a missionary in Finland, which has one airline, Finnair. When
    missionaries completed their 18-24 month mission and headed home, they
    would just disappear into "Finnair". 
        
    Rich

    
    This would be a good note to collect LDS humor maybe?
    
    Here's a true story.
    
    My wife was in the kitchen one morning while my two young sons were
    running thru the house playing firemen. The older boy (about 6)
    had made two play walkie-talkies out of wood and he was saying things
    into his like 'Fire on Main Street! 10-4! Over and out!". The younger
    boy (2 years), running out of the kitchen responded,
    
    	"I'm coming! I'm coming! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!"
    
    /steve
    

    Perhaps you've heard of the congregation who was singing "O How
    Lovely Was the Morning". The ward chorister's name was Hope, and
    she was expecting a baby. The members of the ward could not contain
    their laughter when they got to the part...
    
         "There is hope smiling brightly before us, and we know that
         deliverance is nigh..." 
         
    Regards,
    Rich           
         

Soon after I arrived as a nonmember in Salt lake City, I was visited by
the missionaries.  During the visit they showed me a picture of Joseph
Fielding Smith, who was then President of the Church.  Now I had heard of
Joseph Smith, and I asked the missionaries, "You mean he's still alive!"

"Yes," they replied.  "He's old, but he's alive!"

 -- Debra G. Compton  (Ensign, August 1979)

    Last night while I was visiting a seminary class one of the students
    nudged me asked, 'Did you know there was a food fight in the Old
    Testament?'.  He told me to look up Zecharia 5:1.
    
    
    Steve

    sorry .. that should be Zechariah ...

    Brother Jones found some paint on sale. Unfortunately, there were only
    ten gallons available, but he needed twenty to paint his house.
    Fortunately, the paint thinner was also on sale, so he decided to buy
    some and to thin the ten gallons to twenty gallons. It was a beautiful
    day, so he set to work painting his house. 
    
    At the end of a busy day, he had completed the job, but by now a storm
    had rolled in, and it began to rain heavily. The rain caused the
    thinned paint to run badly, and the house looked terrible. 
    
    At this point, Brother Brown stopped by to visit. Upon observing the
    situation, he said, "Brother Jones,... 
    
    
    "REPAINT, REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!". 
    
    Regards,
    Rich 
    

    I heard the same told this way:
    Two painter were painting a church.  They were starting to run out
    of paint.  A storm was quickly coming.  So to finish up, they decided
    to thin the paint.  Just as they were finishing painting the steeple,
    a voice from the sky was heard:
    
    REPAINT, YOU THINNERS!

    I think I got this joke from my Stake President, 
    
    Two brothers who were avid baseball fans made a promise to each
    other that the first of them to die should come back and tell the
    other whether or not there was baseball in heaven.  Eventually,
    one of them died and, true to the promise, visited the other one
    evening.
    
    'I have good news and bad newe,' he said.  'First, the good news.
    There *is* baseball in heaven!  Now the bad news ...
    
    You're pitching this Wednesday ...'
    
    Steve

I heard this while I was out home teaching last night.

There was this old lady who gave out apples for Halloween every year.  One time 
her door bell rang and there was this little 5 year old dressed like a 
princess.  The little girl said "Twick or Tweat" and the lady dropped an apple 
in her bag.  With that the little girl looked up at the lady and, with big 
brown eyes, said, "You bwoke evewy one of my cookies."

    Back when there was much activity to bring in every PC software
    product under the sun there was a group that met every week to review
    activities.  I had been invited to attend the meetings to represent
    the DECmate group.  One day after attending the meeting for a few
    months the wp product MULTIMATE came up for review.  From one of
    the young women in the group came the question, "MULTIMATE, what's
    that?  A software program for Mormons?"               
                                                          
                                                          
                                                          

    A young boy returns home from school one day and initiates the
    following conversation with his father:
    
    Son:   Dad, we learned in school today that somewhere in the world
           there's a woman having a baby every minute.
    
    Father: That's right, son.  Isn't that great!?
    
    Son:   GREAT?!?!?!?  Dad, someone's got to FIND that woman and STOP
           her!!

This really happened to me.

The summer I was 17 (old enough to drive in New Jersey, where I lived, but 
not old enough to drive in New York City) I met a girl that I really wanted
to impress.  I thought the perfect date would be to take her to dinner and
a movie in New York.  Since I couldn't drive in the City, I asked my older
sister if she would be willing to drive.  She thought about it a moment and
agreed as long as she could bring a girl friend for company.  I agreed.

We went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner and when the waiter asked if we
wanted tea I just said no, but my sister said, "We don't drink tea.  We're 
Mormons."  The waiter looked at me sister, at my sister's girl friend,
at my date, then at me and said, "I know you Mormons.  You have many wives."  

As I assured him that Mormons no longer practice polygamy he just smiled
and said, "Ah yes, but tradition very strong!"


Bill

From:	DECWRL::"garys%[email protected]" "Gary Stringham  2-May-89 1513 MST"  2-MAY-1989 22:21
To:	decwrl::lds
Subj:	lds.jokes

			       lds.jokes
 
I haven't seen this subject talked about so I will start it.
 
-----
 
Isaiah forsaw my circumstance on my mission.  I am 6'3" and I went to El
Salvador and Guatemala.  
 
	Isa 28:20:  For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch
    himself on it: ...
 
-----
 
Toilet papering was forseen by Zechariah.
 
	Zech 5:1:  Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked,
    and behold a flying roll.
 
(Others have interpreted this scripture to mean a food fight.)
 
-----
 
I have seen a horse fly and a house fly, but what does an angel fly look
like that we sing about?
 
	Hymn #15:  "I Saw a Might Angel Fly"
 
-----
 
Q:  What do you get when you cross LDS with LSD?
A:  A high priest.
 
-----
 
Hi.  We are Mission Mormonaries of the Crutch of Cheese and Rice of
Rattle-day Snake, traveling without body, parts, or passion, preaching
of a God without purse or script.
 
-----
 
A member in California went into a store to buy a few things for a
Church activity.  She had it charged to the LDS Church.  She realized
the Spanish influence in the area when she looked at the bill and the
clerk had written "El Diaz Church".  (In Mirthwright in an Ensign a few
years back.)
 
-----
 
My dad was on his mission in Eastern Canada a few years ago.  At the
time, (it still may exist,) there was an insurance company called,
"Continental Life".  My dad and his companion were out tracting and they
knocked on a door.  The lady of the house was around back and came
around the corner.  Upon seeing the two suited gentleman, she asked,
"Continental Life?"  My dad's companion replied, "No, Eternal Life."
 
 
 
Gary "'Man is that he might have joy', so I tell jokes" Stringham
 
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    	Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
    
    	A: Five. One to replace the bulb. Two to fix refreshments and
    	   two to watch the kids.
    

    Chevrolet makes a vehicle called the Suburban, which is fairly large
    and can hold a lot of people. I happen to own one, because it is a
    great vehicle for hauling kids around (I have four), and I don't have
    to worry about my wife getting stuck in bad weather, like it is today
    with two feet of snow and 55 below zero wind chill factor, because it
    has four wheel drive.
    
    Anyway, yesterday a non-LDS friend in our local field service office
    told me that he was in Salt Lake City last week riding around with
    another field service person (also non-LDS). As they are driving, a
    Suburban cuts in front of them and the other guy says to my friend:
    "There goes another one", to which my friend says: "There goes another
    what?" 
    
    He replies:
    
    
    
    
    
    "There goes another one of those blasted Mormon Assault Vehicles!" 

    re: .18
    
    Actually, Rich, here in Salt Lake Suburbans are normally referred to as
    "Mormon Limousines".  There are a lot of them around here....

A true story - 

Back in November, I was taking a course in Frankfurt.  This was the
time when East Germany had just opened the border and the east germans 
came pouring through the Iron Curtain.   

On the way back to Munich from Frankfurt, I noticed that there were 
quite a lot of Trabants (an East German car affectionately known as 
a Trabi - pronounced trah-bee), where normally you would see one about
once every blue moon.

As I approached Nuernberg, I noticed that about every 2nd car was a
Trabi.  Soon the autobahn was full of East Germans in Trabis packed
to the roof with people & luggage.  I chuckled to myself as I realized 
that no one would believe what I saw - until I heard myself joyfully
singing - "Nobody knows the Trabis I've seen"!


Frank

    
    The other day my wife and I were sitting in the family room talking
    while our 3 year old was running around and playing as 3 year olds
    will. After listening to him make so much noise, my wife said to
    me "Who made this child, anyway?"
    
    Our 3 year old looked up and said:
    
    				"Jesus did"

    ================================================================================
Note 40.175         Signs, billboards, bumper stickers, etc.          175 of 176
FASDER::CRUSSELL "Antic the Fearless"                10 lines  20-FEB-1990 05:39
                           -< Welcome to Minnesota >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    
    I remember reading about a series of unused billboards in
    Minnesota (I think) that were acquired by the state for
    self-advertising.  There were lots of cute slogans put on
    them, but the one I remember is:
    
    	Welcome to Minnesota!  Many are Cold, but Few are Frozen!
    
    					~chris
    
    

My wife told me this morning that her Seminary teacher had a great sense of
humor and frequently admonished:

	When in worry, fear or doubt,
    
	Run in circles, scream and shout.

Steve

    I'm told this is an old one, but it's new to me!
    
    In another notes file, Mormons are being discussed and - of course -
    polygamy has been mentioned.  One note, and its response (with
    permission):
    
   	 	> Lots of obedient wymyn...
    
    		and lots of mother-in-laws.
    
    :)

                            A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD

                      'The World According to Student Bloopers'

                                 by Richard Lederer



          (Spring 1987, Verbatim, The Language Quarterly, Vol. XIII, No. 4)



          One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher

          is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an

          essay.  I have pasted together the following "history" of the

          world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by

          teachers throughout the U.S., from eighth grade through college.

          Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.



          The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies.  They lived

          in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the

          Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so

          certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.  The

          Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular

          cube.  They Pramids are a range mountains between France and

          Spain.



          The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book

          of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple

          tree.  One of their children, Cain.  once asked, "Am I my

          brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount

          Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.

          Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be

          patriarchs.  but they did not take to it.  One of Jacob's sons,

          Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.



          Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.

          Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,

          which is bread made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses

          went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  David was

          a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the

          Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

          Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.



          Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented

          three kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic.  They also

          had myths.  A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the

          mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became

          intollerable.  Achilles appears in The Illiad, by Homer.  Homer

          also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship

          that Ulysses endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not

          written by Homer but by another man of that name.



          Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people

          advice.  They killed him.  In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran

          races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.  The

          reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The government of

          Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own

          hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so

          high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors

          were doing.  When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were


                                                                Page 2





          outnumbered because the Persians had more men.



          Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.  History calls people

          Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.  At

          Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.  Julius

          Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The

          Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to

          be made king.  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his

          poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.



          Then came the Middle Ages.  King Alfred conquered the Dames, King

          Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his

          troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized

          by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on

          their necks.  Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man

          should be hanged twice for the same offense.



          In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.  The

          greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and

          verses and also wrote literature.  Another tale tells of William

          Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his

          son's head.



          The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the

          value of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the

          church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences.  He died

          a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.  It was an age

          of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the

          Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he

          invented cigarettes.  Another important invention was the

          circulation of blood.



          The government of England was a limited mockery.  Henry VIII

          found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

          Queen Elizabeth was a success because her navy went out and

          defeated the Spanish Armadillo.



          The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.

          Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of

          his plays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing

          tragedies, comedies, and errors.  Romeo and Juliet are an example

          of a heroic couplet.  Writing at the same time as Shakespear was

          Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author

          was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost.  Then his wife died

          and he wrote Paradise Regained.



          During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a

          great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the

          Atlantic.  His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the

          Santa Fe.  Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was

          known as Pilgrims Progress.  When they landed at Plymouth Rock,

          they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling

          their war hoops before them.  The Indian squabs carried porpoises

          on their back.  Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with

          their cabooses which proved very fatal to them.


                                                                Page 3





          One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was that the English

          put tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists would send parcels

          through the post without stamps.  During the War, the Red Coats

          and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs

          were barking and the peacocks were crowing.  Finally, The

          colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.



          Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented

          Congress.  Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two

          singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin invented

          electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse

          divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and

          is still dead.  George Washington married Martha Curtis and in

          due time became the Father of Our Country.  The Constitution was

          adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the Constitution the

          people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.



          Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's

          mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he

          built with his own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore

          only a tall silk hat.  He said, "In onion there is strength."

          Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from

          Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.  The

          Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.  But the

          Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other

          innocent victims.  It claimed it represented law and odor.  On

          the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got

          shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.

          The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly

          insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.



          Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.

          Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

          Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable

          in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.



          Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.

          Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was

          very large.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Beethoven wrote

          music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud

          music.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was

          calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for

          this.



          France was in a serious state.  The Marseillaise was the theme

          song of the French Revolution.  During the Napoleonic Wars, the

          crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the

          Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at

          Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,

          but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.



          The sun never set on the British Empire because the British

          Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen

          Victoria was the longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.

          Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were


                                                                Page 4





          exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final

          event which ended her reign.



          The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and

          thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of

          rivers to spring up.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.

          Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a

          naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman Curie

          discovered radium.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx

          brothers.  World War I, caused by the assignation of the

          Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in human history.